Hey, everyone :) I just followed Randomness Is Cool and rewrote this three-hundred-percent TROLL FIC by ian kabras grllfrnd.
My apologies for the really late posting. I got writer's block and I went on a trip with not much time to write, and then I had writer's block again… -_-
~Dedicated to Randomness Is Cool, music is freedom, IceHeartEli, and all my other friends in The 39 Clues Archive. ;)
And to Randomness Is Cool, if you're reading this, thank you for inspiring me, and you are awesome :D
Rebelina Jasmia di Maganda* was so stunned that she found out that she was related to her super-ultra-mega-dream crush: Ian Kabra.
She couldn't sleep. She kept on jumping up and down, squealing in excitement, and telling all her friends.
Yes, she told all of her friends. She even ran to the Principal's Office, grabbed the microphone from him just as he was about to give his daily morning announcement, and yelled, "I'm related to Ian Kabra!" just for the sake of popularity.
Well, she had no hope in being popular. She was fat, like a pig, plus in cooking class she wore an apron with hot pink straps and black-and-white stripes like a zebra, so her classmates called her "The Zebra Pig"** (which, in actuality, is a very appropriate nickname for her).
Her breath smelled like rotten onions, as if she had never brushed in her life. Plus she had truckloads of dandruff flakes the size of potato chips—totally gross, with absolutely no respect for personal hygiene.
One day she was going home from school, she hailed a taxi and said the directions to the Madrigal stronghold in the vicinity. (Well, at least she wasn't stupid/excited enough to say, "To the Madrigal stronghold, please!".)
When she arrived, she paid the fare and got off. The driver was absolutely relieved to see her get off; he pulled up on the side of the road, went to the back, and started cleaning and spraying a lot of air freshener on where Rebelina Jasmia sat.
Meanwhile, Rebelina Jasmia was skipping to the entrance of the stronghold, her body fats jiggling. As usual, people everywhere thought she was just a regular hyperactive girl who was excited for no good reason.
She put her red eye (that looked like she had sore eyes) to the retina scanner and heard a beep and an automated voice: Rebelina Jasmia di Maganda. Access granted.
She happily entered the automatic door and looked around. Some agents were walking around. Some were talking in hushed voices, in pairs or trios. Then she spotted him.
He was leaning against the wall, talking to an agent with long reddish-brown hair and wore a green shirt, jeans, and sneakers.
Rebelina Jasmia took a deep breath and shrieked, "IAAAN!"
The Lucian branch leader*** groaned. The female agent turned around: Amy Cahill! Rebelina frowned. She looked around for a good weapon and found a book. She sprinted to get it, her body fats once again jiggling. What a horrid sight to see.
She grabbed hold of the book and with considerably passable aim, she threw it at Amy, hoping to stop the Madrigal agent for a while and ran after Ian.
Ian ran upstairs to the second floor where some agents were talking. "Excuse me!" he panted, weaving in and out of the small groups who gladly made way for the Lucian then immediately reassembled, resuming their chat. But Rebelina wasn't so lucky. Since she just plowed into the people in front, the succeeding agents tripped her. "Ow!" she cried. She shrieked at those who made her fall, stood up with great effort, and continued running. "Ian, wait!"
"Oh no," Ian groaned, running faster.
The chase took him to the laboratory where two Ekaterina agents were building a huge mechanical bronze dragon, like Festus from The Lost Hero. "Excuse me!" Ian panted, moving.
A face peered at him from around the dragon. "Ian?" Sinead Starling said in surprise. "What are you doing here? Oh, and this is my friend, Nessi. She's helping me build this dragon." She fondly patted the huge automaton.
"Hello," Ian said, still catching his breath.
"Hi," Nessi said. "Playing a game?"
"No, I'm running from a rabid monster," he replied.
"Who?" Sinead asked as she examined the dragon's control panel.
He glanced out the window and saw Rebelina running in the direction of the lab. "Oh no," he muttered. "She's here!"
Nessi followed his gaze. "Whoa, that sure is one ugly pig," she said.
Ian ran and hid under one of the tables. Good thing the table he hid behind was hard to see because it was a bit dark.
The doors burst open, and Rebelina appeared. "Ian!" she called. She looked around and saw the giant mechanical dragon. Her eyes widened with delight. "Ian! I didn't know you were a dragon in disguise!" She ran straight for the dragon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sinead and Nessi screamed as their creation collapsed and fell in bronze heaps.
"That took us three months," they wailed. Their eyes trained on Rebelina, who was busy searching for Ian through the metal.
Sinead held out her hand, and Nessi gave her a dart gun. She aimed and fired.
The dart hit Rebelina's chest. The poor girl—er, freak show—fell on top of the metal.
"You can come out now, Ian," Nessi said. "Your fan girl is out cold."
Ian carefully made his way over to the mess. "What about your dragon?" he asked.
"We're going to make new blueprints first," Sinead replied nonchalantly. "I'm going to think of ways to make it sturdier, harder to knock down."
He furrowed his brow and thought about what she said. "Oh," he said. "I hope you succeed in rebuilding your dragon."
"Wait," Nessi said just as he was about to leave. "What about this?" She nudged Rebelina's head with her foot, then stared in disgust at the gigantic dandruff flakes on her shoe. She shook them off and sprayed her shoe with alcohol, then wiped it off with a tissue paper and threw the tissue into the trash can. "Gross! So… what are we gonna do with it?"
Ian and Sinead glanced at each other. "Lock her up," they said simultaneously.
Nessi called on another agent to help lock up Rebelina. The lab doors opened, and there stood another girl.
"Hey, Alix," Nessi said. "Brought the stuffs?"
"Sure did," Alix replied. She opened an XXXXL garbage bag and brought out a crowbar and a large sack of the same size (XXXXL).
"Where did you get such a large garbage bag and sack?" Sinead asked.
"I have suppliers," Alix replied. She took one glance at the still-unconscious Rebelina and wrinkled her nose. "Fan girl, Ian?"
"Yes," Ian sighed.
"Whoa. I thought it was Echidna from Greek mythology. Uh, Nessi, can you please hold the sack?" she asked.
"Okay," Nessi said, opening the large sack.
"Leave her to claw her way out; that sack's hard to tear," Alix muttered. She used the crowbar to push Rebelina into the sack, then she pulled out a long rope and tightly tied the sack shut.
"Don't worry, there's a hole under her for airflow," she assured. "But she's too fat to even try to move to see it. Let's haul her into the storeroom."
~fast forward to nighttime~
"So if that fan girl is a Cahill," Dan Cahill said, "that would be total chaos…"
"And a disgrace," Natalie Kabra hissed. "We have to get rid of her!"
"We have an idea," Sinead and Nessi blurted at the same time.
"What is it?" Amy asked.
"We're making new plans for our mechanical dragon," Sinead explained. "So since that monster broke our first dragon, why not use this second one to get rid of her?"
Everyone exchanged glances and murmured assent. "That's a great idea," Ian said.
"Let's all help," Alix suggested. "That way it'll be done in no time!"
"All right!" Sinead beamed. "We just finished the plans a while ago, so let's go!"
~fast forward to two weeks later~
"That's one awesometastic replica of Festus," Alix said.
"From The Lost Hero?" Amy asked.
"Yes! You read that too?"
"Of course! It's great!"
"I hate to interrupt your cheerful conversation, but we have to get this dragon out," Ian said.
Sinead pressed one of the buttons on the control panel she held. "All right, move!" she said. The dragon's eyes glowed red. It put one foot in front, then the other, and pretty soon it already got the hang of walking without stepping on something.
"Whoa!" Alix exclaimed. "How tall is that thing?"
Nessi grinned. "I think it's around fifteen feet."
"Whoa!" Alix repeated. "Oh, uh, Ian, for the plan to work, you have to get Rebelina out."
"What?" Ian cried.
She repeated her statement. He groaned. "Fine," he grumbled. "But I don't know the way to the storeroom."
"Excuses, excuses… whatever, come with me," she sighed.
Ian and Alix pulled the extra-extra-extra-extra large sack out into the sunlight. Sinead really did copy the wonderful things Festus could do into the dragon she made, including the dragon-into-suitcase-with-one-switch-of-a-lever thing, because when they arrived, the giant bronze dragon was already the "world's heaviest suitcase."
Alix glanced at Ian. "You know how to act." She handed him a bolo.
"What in the world is this?" he exclaimed.
"It's called a bolo. Use it to cut the sack open, and everyone prepare your oxygen masks," she called.
Everyone braced for stench impact as Ian sliced the huge sack. Even he got tears in his eyes as the putrid odor wafted out of the sack. He stood back and blinked a few times, then returned the bolo to Alix.
Sinead got ready as they heard Rebelina's voice: "Ian! You came to save me!"
Ian glanced at Amy and Sinead for an idea of what to say. They shrugged. "Uh…. Yeah," he said. "Of course I did." He shuddered.
"Help me get out of here!" she shrieked.
"Uh…" He glanced at Amy and Sinead again, asking a silent question: Should I help her?
They nodded.
I really need to clean up after this, he thought as he hesitantly reached out his slightly shaking hand. A fat, warty hand immediately grabbed it, and he hauled the heavy modern-day Echidna out. Nessi tossed Ian a bottle of alcohol, which he gladly used.
Rebelina was on the ground, trying to stand. She reached for Ian, but he always managed to stay out of reach. She whimpered and called for him to help her, but he discreetly moved farther and farther away.
"Ian, I love you! Help me!" Rebelina screamed. Ian glanced at Sinead: Activate that dragon NOW!
She did the universal "calm down, wait" sign. He groaned (mentally).
"Ian!" the fat girl shouted. "Ignore them! They're not right for you! I AM!"
Amy and Sinead looked at each other and nodded. Sinead pressed a button on her control panel (which is actually her iPad) and the suitcase revered to its original dragon form. Rebelina screamed in fright and quickly scrambled back, only to bump a hollow block. She finally managed to get up (with tremendous effort) and run, shouting for Ian to come to her rescue, but he never did.
The giant mechanical dragon only stopped walking (and leaving giant footprints in the ground) when Rebelina tripped and fell. She looked up to see who tripped her and saw Nessi and Alix. She tried to grab them, and missed Nessi, but caught Alix's ankle and pulled her down, so she fell.
The unfortunate thing was that Alix had her bolo in her hand, so when she fell down, the blade sank deep into Rebelina's body fat. The wound immediately produced a lot of blood. Alix kicked Rebelina in the face, and while the freak show was in pain, she jumped back up and ran with Nessi.
"Beat that, sucker!" Alix yelled over her shoulder at the still-struggling-and-bleeding fan girl.
"The dragon's near!" Nessi said with glee. "I see Amy, Ian, and Sinead over there, hiding in the bushes, and all of them are grinning."
"Then let's grin too!" The two also flashed wide grins as the dragon came.
"Whoa, wait!" Nessi yelled. "Amy and Ian!"
With only those three words, Alix was already able to piece together the plan. "Oh, so to make Rebelina suffer even more in the afterlife, they want her last image to be…"
"Amy and Ian," her friend confirmed.
Rebelina cried, "Ian, ditch her and help me!"
"I'm sorry, but I can't," Ian said with his signature smirk. "I don't like you, or in any way, have any feelings towards you except disgust with every cell in my body. So forgive me if I do this." He pulled Amy close and pressed his lips to hers.
Amy never expected this to happen. Once she felt Ian's lips on hers, she tensed. But when his arms snaked around her waist, she relaxed a bit.
She ignored Rebelina's pig-like squeals, the loudness of the mechanical dragon's stomps, and the sound of it breathing fire. All she knew was that Ian was kissing her, and she was kissing him back.
A few more seconds later, she broke away, her eyes wide with surprise. She could see Nessi and Alix grinning at her and flashing two thumbs up from the bushes, then they slapped high-fives. Her gaze rested on Ian, who seemed to be trying not to smile but failed; the corners of his mouth turned up.
"I-Ian," she whispered, still unable to register what happened.
"Yes, I did kiss you," he said, answering the question he knew she was going to ask. "Finally, that bloody wretched pig is gone."
"Magdiwang na kayo!" Alix yelled.
"What?" Amy, Sinead, Ian, and Nessi asked.
"I said, 'You should party now!'"
Yes, so the amazing replica of Festus that Sinead Starling and my friend Nessi (Randomness Is Cool) built opened its large mechanical mouth and released a blast of real flames, therefore burning Rebelina Jasmia di Maganda to ashes. Then the wind blew the ashes into the air, and to this day nobody knows where those ashes are.
* : di Maganda is short for "hindi maganda", which means not pretty.
** : Zebra Pig is... something in TLE (Technology and Livelihood Education) class—one of my classmates wore an apron just like the one described.
*** : If Isabel and Vikram are out of the picture, who will lead the Lucian branch now?
~o~o~o~
Okay… so I hope it wasn't too long, and I really hope you enjoyed this fic!
Please review, guys. I know those who add me to their Story Alerts or Favorite Authors or Author Alerts, but don't review. I know who you are. And that previous statement wasn't meant to be a scary/dark one.
~Alix