Things seemed so fragile since mom and dad died. There was this fragile balance to everything. Darry and Ponyboy were always on the edge. Darry worked so much and wanted so much for him, and I saw that. And Ponyboy was just devastated all the time about everything, because he saw things differently and experienced things differently than Darry and I did, and I saw that. I was in the middle, and that was lousy.
Sandy was my light in the darkness. Man, did I love her. That soft blond hair and soft blue eyes, and the way she'd smile at me. I loved her. I was gonna marry her someday.
I was at work, watching Steve work on a car, wiping some windshield of a mustang owned by a soc. Ever since mom and dad died it was like I was always just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen, even though I still acted like I was happy go lucky. It was kind of an act now. There was a sadness deep inside of me now, I think it was in all of us. Our parents dying, it was the first wrenching away, you know? The world wrenches things away from you, everything you thought would be forever just dissolves, just blows away like smoke.
Ponyboy showed up, wanting free cokes, which I snuck him. That kid. So smart, so good in school, but so sensitive. He couldn't take it when Darry yelled at him. I tried to tell Darry to lay off, and I tried to tell Ponyboy not to take it so hard, but neither listened.
Quitting time, time to walk home since Steve's car wasn't working worth a shit. We headed home in the fading light, passed by the lot and Steve noticed Johnny's jacket crumpled up in the grass. He picked it up. So Johnny left his jacket here, so what? We'd bring it to him. It was his only jacket, but Steve was examining it and saw rust colored stains across the collar. In the grass there were more, and when I looked from the stains in the grass and then across the field I saw someone lying motionless there. It was Johnny, of course, and I felt a kind of light headed panic. Not someone else. Not another death, I couldn't take it. I ran toward him, needing to know now if he was dead or not.
He moaned so I knew he was alive and I dropped to my knees besides him and turned him over, he had been laying face down and when I did I gasped. His face was covered in blood and bruises and swollen, and there was blood all over his white T-shirt. Jesus.
"Johnny? Hey, kid…" I shook him gently, wondering if he was conscious or not.
"Soda?" he said, his voice so soft, and he didn't open his eyes. Jesus.
He was pretty hurt but not as bad as we first thought, blood spreads and makes everything look so much worse. We got him to our house and cleaned up. It was the socs that did it.
That night with Sandy I was kind of quiet.
"What's wrong?" she said, brushing my hair behind my ears. I glanced up at her, swallowed hard.
"I don't know. Finding Johnny all beat up and hurt like that, my parents…Ponyboy and Darry always at each other's throats. It's wearing on me," I said, wanting to be that happy go lucky kid I used to be. He was seeming to be more and more different from me with every passing day.
"Yeah," Sandy said, her voice sympathetic, but I knew she didn't really get it, but I didn't blame her. The big thing was my parents' death. That was the big thing. I couldn't believe that they were both gone, gone in an instant like that. It was tough to go on, to try and enjoy things at all. I was seeing the darker side of things.
I couldn't wish them back. I had to accept it. I had to somehow deal with things, maybe focus on Sandy, the good thing in my life. I leaned in toward her and kissed her, a long and slow kiss, trying to live in this kiss for a lifetime, an eternity.