**Sneaks back after a very long time away** So I'm back, miraculously. Maybe got kind of caught up in my university degree (engineering). But with my amazing new boyfriend encouraging my writing and actually enjoying my fanfictions I am returning to finish my fics. This is just something to tide you all over for a bit. Enjoy.
Retina and the Sky-Idiot Pilot
The end of the battle is always the hardest part. Its easy to tear the opponent apart, caring only for the location of your sibling in the chaos that surrounds you. At the end though, at the end you have to check on your teammates, you have to stop the racing of your spark, you have to take stock of your injuries.
My own injuries never bother me, only Sideswipe's. During the rush of battle, I can't feel the pain across our spark bond, I can only feel the exhilaration. As the battle concludes and our processors have room to catalogue our injuries, that's when I feel it.
I could stay in the hectic battle for eons, stay there until Cybertron was whole again. I know Sideswipe feels the same. It's the one time we both feel wholly alive. There is no one to lecture us about what we aren't doing right. We have grown up fighting for our lives, striving to free ourselves from the rings of Kaon. On the battlefield we reign supreme, this is something that we can do. It's the one time where our Autobot brethren are not afraid of us but embrace everything we are. If only the battle lasted forever.
But as this battle comes to a close I feel the pain from Sideswipe and know that we have lost that alive feeling for another vorn. One day the battle will last.
My Place-T-Pain
In the downtime though, there is too much time to think. About all of the things we have never had, the things we probably never will have. Relationships, passions other than fighting, freedom. None of those are achievable anymore for us.
Sunstreaker has his painting, but even that is hard to do on Earth. Before the war he could make the most beautiful masterpieces, when we had the resources. Now there is nothing and there is no point in creating art anymore, there is nowhere to put it. Who knows how long we will even stay on this planet for. The inhabitants either hate us or support us to their own detriment. The Decepticons will never stop trying to control everything. The only thing we have time to focus on is the fight.
There's a part of my spark though that is so empty, that wishes we could have had a relationship at some point. Added a third to our bond and felt completely whole. It'll never happen, but I can always hope. I don't think one of these fleshlings could ever bond with us and there are no unattached mechs or femmes with us now. It will only be the two of us on our bond, completing each other's sparks but not filling to the brim with anything but brotherly love and affection.
If only it had all been different.
Monster-Eminem
There's a part of me that is a monster, that is screaming to come out of my chassis at any point in time. When everything is quiet it is hardest to restrain this feeling. I have to zone out, spend time alone so I don't accidentally snap at one of the other autoboots, or worse yet my brother. He doesn't understand completely. I've always protected him, taken more battles in the ring than he has. My spark is so much more broken, twisted and destroyed than his.
I don't regret doing that for him, I am glad one of us is still somewhat pure of spark. This war though, its forced him to become more like me than he can even understand. But still, I can tell my spark is so much darker than his. Its an advantage on the battlefield, I know that. It was an advantage while I was floating through space alone on my journey here. It helped me when I had to fight off so many Decepticons in my travels. It stopped me from thinking about all the mech's I've destroyed. Not just killed, but absolutely destroyed, ripping them limb from limb.
One day I thought I could be normal. Fix my spark, find someone to love and put everything I've done behind me. That's not the case now, not with this war and Cybertron in ruins. The only thing for me now is fighting until our sparks extinguish. I have to brace the fighter, the monster inside of me in order to protect the Autobots, Sideswipe and myself. It's the only way. The others think I'm crazy, its not fair and I can understand why they think that. Life isn't fair.
Like I Can-Sam Smith
I caught a glance of this person, a human nonetheless. We don't spend much time in the cities these days. She's gorgeous. Maybe not by human standards but by mine she is. A human but so perfect for Sunny and I. She's on a date, I can tell that. She's standing with this human, and she is letting him down gently.
Standing there in my holoform I can feel her eyes land on my body. I can see the way she looks at this form appreciatively and I wish, oh I wish that I could walk up to her and say something. I wish that I could introduce her to Sunny, show her our real forms and invite her into the bond. But I can't, I can't ever love her the way I want to.
It shows just how long that sunny and I have been alone in this bond. I've gotten to the point of loving human women. Just this one but still. I know that our sparks could cherish her for all of time, but that's not something we can ever subject someone to. Much less a human who I absolutely love already. Instead of meeting her gaze, I walk away. Spark slowly breaking.
War is the Answer-Five Finger Death Punch
During the fall of Cybertron, it was so easy to be lost in the mindset of battle. To just sink into it. Sunstreaker's processor was already gone, completely replaced with his base instincts. I was just hovering above that point myself. It was absolutely time to fight for our lives. To fight until the absolute end, we only had each other.
In the fight we had the answer to everything, to the pain in our sparks and the disjointed thoughts in our processors. This is something we had trained for our entire lives. Using our swords to slash into our enemies, take them to the ground and extinguish their sparks.
The others, they were fools. They didn't know how to fight, and I could hear the other autoboots losing their lives all around the two of us. Sunstreaker and I though, we were like a beautiful dance. Our swords glinting in the light from the burning structures all around. Energon dripped from our swords and made masterpieces on the ground.
This is the time when we are truly alive. This is when we come into our element. Everything that had been discussed about us, behind our backs in the headquarters meant nothing now. Now the autoboots would see our worth. The battle was the answer to everything.