Parody of the Caribbean: Dumb Man's Composition

Weddings are for Losers

Rain falls on beautiful porcelain tea cups and saucers and all manner of tableware set out for a wedding. The bride, Elizabeth Swann, also sits in the rain. She believes that that damn Will Turner stood her up, but boy will she be disappointed surprised.

Out in Port Royal's harbor a fleet of longboats are being rowed to shore from a fleet of big nasty ships with funky logos. In one of the longboats a man sits astride a horse. The boats pull up and the horse jumps out creating an awesome entrance for an obviously sinister person. Troops run along after the horse. Troops march through the city and mothers bring their children in. The door of the blacksmith's shop is kicked in.

Elizabeth hears something, turns around and runs towards a building where there are people waiting. Will has just been brought in chains. So far, there is nothing funny about this situation.

Elizabeth: OMG Will! What's happening?

Will: I've not the faintest idea.

Elizabeth: It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.

Will: Somehow I get the feeling there isn't going to be a wedding today but you still look beautiful.

Governor Swann comes charging through saying what he's so good at saying.

The Governator: Stand your men down, stop pointing guns at my daughter. I'm the King's Governor of this bloody city and you'll listen to what I say!

Elizabeth: Daddy, shut up, you're not helping.

Voice: Indeed he isn't.

The man from the horse walks in. Some servant removes his cloak and we see that he isn't awesome and powerful looking like he was on the horse in the shadows, he's actually quite short. HA! The Governator obviously knows him.

Governator: Cutler Beckett? I remember you. Back in London you were...chuckles to himself for unknown reasons

Cutler Beckett does not appreciate the sniggering on his part.

Beckett: It's Lord now, Weatherby.

That shuts the Governator up.

Governator: Well you still can't arrest this man, much as I think he's an idiot and I'd rather have Elizabeth marry Gillette than him. Nonetheless my daughter loves him and I just want her to get married already.

LORD Beckett: Sorry but I can and I will. Mercer, can I have the warrant for Mr. Turner please.

Mercer, who looks like he would have made a good pirate hands Lord Beckett a warrant, who hands it to the Governator.

Governator: But this is for Elizabeth.

Lord Beckett: Oopsie, how embarrassing. Clap her in irons.

Elizabeth struggles for all the good it will do. If only Jack was here with Madam Zelda and the donkey contraption.

Elizabeth: What are the charges!

Beckett ignores her and hands the Governator the warrant for Will.

Lord Beckett: Here's the one for William Turner and I have another one here for a Mr. James Norrington, is he present?

Governator: No.

Lord Beckett: Oh really?

Governator: Yeah, he quit because Jack Sparrow made him jealous.

Will: Beckett, why that hell are we being arrested!

Elizabeth: Yeah, I know legal jargon so don't make me say it and just tell us already.

Governator (reading from the warrants): It says you sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet fraternized with pirates and sprung a man from jail again. It also says things like 'obstruction of justice' and...Beckett are you honestly arresting her for breaking her engagement?

Lord Beckett: Yep, 'fraid I am. The penalty for both of you, and Mr. Norrington, should we find him, is death by firing squad or lethal injection, you pick.

Governator: The hell? Why not gallows?

Elizabeth: Daddy, you're not helping.

Lord Beckett: It's more fun that way. But back to business since I see you still think you're innocent. Do you recall a certain pirate by the name of Jack Sparrow?

Will and Elizabeth: CAPTAIN!11!1! CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!111!1

Lord Beckett is bleeding from the ears but smiling nonetheless.

Lord Beckett: That's what I thought. Mercer, add verbal abuse to their list of crimes. This is just not your day is it?