I, the King of Hell, the Lord of the Crossroads and the Snazziest Dresser in Every Plain of Existence, write this in my own hand.
It is that time again. These last four years have been a highlight of my illustrious career as an evil Overlord, and I only have the little people to thank. But now, as time slips by us, we are reminded that the position of King is voted upon by the public of hell. That being said, I would like to bring in five hundred and thirty eight more worthy candidates (one for every fuck I give) to vote for me. You may vote upon that as well.
Here are a few of the halftime highlights for my next term as King:
- I hereby promise to set up video monitors every five-hundred feet of my lovely waiting lines. You will not get to pick the shows, and it may be reruns of Full House for a month, but you'll have something to drown out the constant sorrow.
- We will fix the nasty drainage leak underneath the Sodomites' cage. I do apologize for the feces. God hopes you do too.
- If you like my facebook page, you'll receive a year off your sentence.*
- Taco Tuesdays will resume.
- The Musical Stylings of Moose and Squirrel CD will be available July 31st for pre-order.
- Any demon who has followed Abbadon in the past will be allowed to repent and regain my trust. That being said, it will count as a renewal of your contract and be consummated by a lovely kiss with yours truly. (Tongue is not encouraged, please see Terms and Conditions for full details.)
- Those who are worthy may receive my wifi password.
- All children will receive swift kicks in the noggin.
- Human blood is a banned substance, unless you've brought enough to share with the class.
Angels are not allowed to vote. This is final. (Applies to both Gabriel and Castiel, who didn't appear to see the disclaimer last term.)
Sam and Dean Winchester are banned from the voting booths, and will be shot if seen on the premise.
Please note that, as I am the only one running, there will be large lines and civil unrest.**
It may take up to four hours to process your vote, but like all of them, we won't bother to count or care.
We hope you agree with the Terms and Conditions allotted to you at the end of this informative pamphlet.
I look forward to crushing your dreams for another four years!
~CROWLEY~
*Not to be combined with any other discount or promotion, valid until 12/21/15.
**Just kidding: There's always long lines and civil unrest.