Legal: I own nothing but the idea.

Welcome to my new Tuesday night Clew fic! This first chapter contains a trigger warning so read with caution.

This story is going to be an emotional tempest, along the lines of How'd I Let You Slip Away and Dangerous Secret only probably with more tear jerker moments. So if you have a tendency to tear up at movies like "Listen to Your Heart", "Untamed Heart" or "Terms of Endearment" I recommend keeping a box of tissues handy when reading this.

While this will be a drama and tear jerker there will be some very tender moments, some fluff and some smut as well.

All the important stuff you need to know before reading:

*Clare did have cancer and was with Eli at the time

*Adam did not die or even crash Becky died

*Clare was never pregnant in high school and began dating Drew after the hoe down because Dallas didn't ruin everything

Okay that pretty much does it the rest of the background stuff you need to know is in Clare's pov as she monologues near the end so be sure and read it.

If you went to the DeGrassi Saviors website and saw the clue for this chapter and the picture then you should have at least a vague idea of what to expect.

Ch. 1 This World Don't Give you Nothing it Can't Take Away

(CLARE)

"HELP!" I scream running into the ER with Ezra clutched to my chest. His tiny body is like a little oven, his fevered brow nearly burning my chest. Drew runs at my side, his hand on my back, our eyes full of tears and our thoughts on our son. "Please help," I beg even as nurses rush to us because help cannot come fast enough.

"What's wrong? How old is the child?" A nurse asks taking Ezra from my arms.

"Nine weeks, he's had a fever the last few days, on and off but now he's not breathing well. We don't know what's wrong we've taken him to the doctor, they didn't know either they told us it was a cold and gave us medicine," Drew explains.

With our son out of my arms I turn and cling to my husband, gripping his t-shirt and doing all I can not to just crumble to the floor. Drew's arm is around me tightly, he's shaking, trembling just a little with anxiety and fear. It's a vulnerability he only shows when he's really upset or worried. A vulnerability I've only seen in him a few times in the six and a half years we've been together.

A nurse is talking and people are rushing and all I want to do is hold Ezra. I hear Drew talking; I hear his heart pounding and his voice reverberate through his chest as he talks to the nurse. I hear alarms and sirens, beeping and people yelling but the sound I'm concentrating on is my husband's heartbeat, pumping blood through his body, blood that also runs in the veins of our son.

"Clare come on we can go be with Ezra," Drew tells me and we start walking.

We follow a nurse into a room shielded by a curtain. Ezra is lying on a bed; they have him protected by pillows and blankets with wires, monitors and oxygen attached to his tiny body. The sight of it is heartbreaking, he looks so fragile and so small, I want to hold him but I can't and I turn into Drew again breaking down and sobbing on his chest. I hear Drew talking to the nurse again or maybe a doctor, I hear them talking, Drew's chest vibrating with his voice but I can't hear the words. I'm amazed Drew can keep it together as well as he is because I don't think I could form words right now through my tears.

"Clare," Drew says lifting my head up, "we can sit with him. They took some blood and they're running some tests but they don't know what's going on."

"I want to hold him," I sob sitting at my son's feet on the bed.

"I know, she said we could hold his hand," Drew tells me sitting in a chair and holding Ezra's right hand. I reach up taking Ezra's left hand, his little fingers curl around mine and I feel like I'm going to break down again.

"He has to be okay," I cry watching my son who looks like he's sleeping only he has tubes and wires all over.

"He'll be okay," Drew nods, "he'll be just fine he had to have gotten some of your stubbornness."

I smile ever so slightly at this comment, one corner of my mouth turning up just the tiniest bit. I take a deep breath trying to calm down and be strong for my son.

"Where is the nurse? Why isn't someone telling us what's going on?" I demand when it's been several minutes and no one has come back in the room.

"They don't know what's going on, they're giving him medicine to try and take his fever down. They took an x-ray too because he's struggling to breathe," Drew says.

"So far all of Ezra's tests have come back normal," a female doctor tells us coming into the room. "The x-ray didn't show any fluid or blockage in the lungs, we can do an MRI or CT to be sure but those tests come with their own risks and at the moment I don't want to put him through that. Hopefully if we can bring down the fever the rest of his vitals will return to normal, I believe his body is just working hard to combat the high fever right now which is why he's having some trouble breathing. We're going to keep him on the oxygen and keep him over night while we run tests to look for viral infection."

"And if you can't find anything? What if he gets worse? This fever has been going on and off for days and his pediatrician and the last ER doctor we saw told us he had a cold or maybe a flu. They gave him infant acetaminophen and sent us home, his fever would go away for a few hours and then come back," I inform the doctor with a shrill voice full of anxiety and anguish.

"I know right now the diagnosis is an FUO or fever of unknown origin. We don't know what's causing it but we do know how to treat fevers. If it gets worse we'll transfer him to the children's hospital. Right now he just needs to rest, to let the medicine take effect and bring his fever down. Someone will be back to check on you in a few moments," she says and then leaves.

"Drew he's burning up still the medicine isn't working," I say with a desperation in my voice.

"They just gave it to him, give them some time the doctors know what they're doing. I should call Adam, he can go to our apartment and bring us some clothes if we're going to be here all night," Drew tells me and leaves the room to call his brother.

I ran out of the house in my thick bathrobe, shoes and my nightie, Drew quickly put on some sweats and a t-shirt. I woke up out of instinct I think, Ezra didn't cry to let me know he was hungry between midnight and one like he always does. When I woke up suddenly and looked at the clock seeing that it was after 1:30 I just knew something was wrong and picked Ezra up. He was burning up, his breathing was a little funny and he was so motionless even when I was holding him to my chest, he just barely reacted it was like my child wasn't in there. I screamed for Drew to wake up, we threw enough on to be out in public and jumped in the car to rush to the hospital. It never even occurred to us to call an ambulance because the hospital is only a couple of blocks from our apartment.

Ezra is still lying just as motionless, other than his tiny fingers curled around my index finger he's not even reacting to my touch. All I can do is sit on the bed watching my son and silently praying that he'll be okay. He looks even worse with all the wires and monitors and I'm trying to be strong but I can't stop crying.

"Adam and Paige will go by our place and grab a change of clothes and some stuff so we don't have to leave," Drew tells me sitting behind me on the bed. He puts his arm around me stroking Ezra's foot under the blanket and I lean back on Drew. He's always been my rock, well ever since senior year anyway.

Every few minutes a nurse or doctor comes to check Ezra's vitals and tell us they still don't know anything. After an hour Ezra's fever has gone down but they're still keeping him overnight and neither Drew nor I is leaving his side.

"Hey we brought you some clothes and some things you'll need," Paige says walking in with Adam and each of them carrying a bag.

"Thanks," Drew replies taking the bags and setting them down.

"How is he?" Adam questions coming around the bed to look at his nephew.

"His fever is down again but they don't know what caused it and they have no answers for us other than to say it's a fever of unknown origin," Drew tells them and I feel like crying again, I thought I was all cried out and knowing his fever was down I wouldn't shed anymore tears but now all I want to do is cry.

"You want us to stay?" Paige asks.

"No you should go home you guys have work in a few hours," I tell them but I haven't taken my eyes off Ezra.

"We'll stop by in the morning call us if there's anything else you need," Adam says he kisses my cheek and gives Drew a consoling pat on the back. Paige hugs us both and then they go.

"I'll close the curtain we can change here so we don't have to leave him," Drew comments when Adam and Paige leave.

"He's barely moving, he's just so lifeless," I remark and my voice is strained with the agony I feel.

"He's sleeping Clare his little body needs to rest," Drew tries to assure me.

"No that's not what it looks like when he sleeps, why haven't they done anything? Why haven't they been in to look at him?"

"The doctors know what they're doing Clare he's going to be okay."

I nod and pick up the bad, Drew is right the doctors know what they're doing and if something was wrong they would tell us or transfer us. That's what they said they'd transfer us to another hospital. I have to trust that they know what they're doing and they'll make Ezra better.

Drew holds the curtains closed while I get dressed, at least until I'm covered and if someone opens the curtain it won't expose me. He's pretty dressed but they brought him a change of clothes anyway, the one thing he did run out of the house without was shoes so he puts those on. They also brought Drew a sweater which he puts on because the hospital is chilly. Then we sit back on the bed and watch Ezra, watch him sleep and silently pray that he gets better. Every hour or so a nurse or doctor comes in to check his vitals and make a note in his chart but they say very little to us. After a few hours of watching Ezra exhaustion sets in and my body begins to succumb to the feeling of sleep. I lean a little heavier on Drew, and my eyes flutter closed, Drew's arm goes around me a little tighter I feel the heaviness in his body as he too begins to fall asleep.

I wake up not to a hospital alarm, a doctor coming in, someone yelling or Ezra crying. I wake up when Ezra's body starts to radiate heat. I feel it; his hand in mine becomes so hot it almost burns to hold it. His fever is back.

"Drew, Drew wake up he has a fever again," I say frantically shaking my husband.

Drew wakes up instantly and reaches over to feel Ezra's skin, "DOCTOR!"

A nurse and a doctor come running in when Drew yells. They look at Ezra and quickly take his temperature while the nurse looks at his vitals. They're panicked I see it in their eyes and suddenly the doctor is saying a lot of things very quickly. He orders ice and more acetaminophen, more blood drawn, a respirator and an MRI. After saying a lot of stuff very quickly to the nurse the doctor pulls us out of the room and by the look on his face I know it's not good.

"I'm Doctor Quayle I just got on shift and was being briefed on your son's case when you yelled. Your son's fever has spiked again there are some things to worry about so I'm going to take some more blood and we'll send him for an MRI. We'll try it without sedation first because he is already lying still and is lethargic due to the fever. If he begins to move we'll need to sedate him and that comes with its own risks. As soon as we've drawn the blood and done the MRI we'll get his fever down with medicine and cold packs. His temperature is dangerously high and I will do everything I can to find the cause. They're taking him down to MRI now, if you take a seat in the room we'll bring him back in a few moments."

I can't move, I just turn into Drew and start crying again, my head on his chest. Drew's arms tighten around me and I feel him crying too. It feels like an eternity before Ezra is brought back to the room, carried back by a nurse. He's hooked up to the monitors again and given an oxygen mask.

"Why does he have the mask?" I question the nurse.

"His breathing is labored, most likely because of how hard his body is working with the fever. It's just to help him breathe so we're sure that his cells are getting enough oxygen it's not breathing for him. The doctor should be in to speak with you in a few moments," she replies and leaves the room.

Drew and I sit on the bed again and watch our son, just watch him lie there hooked up to the machines. Adam and Paige stop by to check on us but the only thing we need is for Ezra to get better and they can't give us that. They tell us to call if we need anything or if anything changes before they go to work. A nurse has already come in to give him another shot of acetaminophen and they have an insulated ice pack under him to help cool him down. The doctor comes in to tell us that the MRI looks normal and they're running more extensive tests on his bloodwork but they still have no idea what's causing it. If one more person tells me it's an FUO I'll scream.

After an hour his fever hasn't come down and the doctors are rushing around, giving him medicine, ice, and a sponge bath with luke warm water. Nothing is working and I'm watching my son, still so very new to this world, slip away. He's red and yet pale, he's fighting so hard but he's not strong enough. I can't bear to the watch the doctors and nurses so busily doing so many things and at the same time be scratching their heads trying to figure out why our son is sick. I turn and bury my head into Drew's chest sobbing as I listen to my husband's heartbeat and the chaos around me.

Beep…beep…beep…beep…beeeee the sound of the heart monitor slowing and then flat lining makes me look up again. Ezra is slipping away, he's dying before my eyes, he looks grey and pallid, his eyes open for just a brief second. His tiny little eyes are clouded but they lock with mine and with Drew's and then Ezra closes his eyes and he's gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I scream before all the breath leaves my body and my son's brief life is over.

A few weeks ago I was on top of the world I had everything, everything I wanted anyway. I was married to the man I'd been in love with since my senior year of high school. After jumping him in the storage room and breaking up with Eli a few moments later Drew and I became official. Everyone but Adam was shocked, he saw us growing close since I had cancer that summer. We were prom king and queen, and Drew didn't have to owe anyone a favor to get us elected we were actually voted in. I went to Columbia in the fall and best of all Adam got in too, Drew followed me to New York and took classes at a community college while working at an elementary school. The three of us got an apartment together and Adam began the final stages of his transformation to male.

Adam got a part time job at a radio station in Manhattan and that's where he met Paige. She was dating a girl named Mandy at the time and Adam was dating girl called Ariana but he and Paige hit it off pretty quickly. They became close friends and when both their relationships ended they began a relationship together. One that is four and half years strong now and they are engaged, their wedding is in June, just a few months away. Drew proposed to me during my senior year at Columbia on the anniversary of the first time we slept together. We were married that August in a beautiful ceremony back in Toronto. Drew had graduated with a degree in education and had a job as a kindergarten teacher. Right after the wedding I got my dream job, well the first step to my dream job anyway, as a journalist at the New York Post.

Then last May I found out I was pregnant, when I told Drew he was so happy. That big happy, goofy grin that he has stretched off his face, he yelled happily and excitedly, picked me up twirling me around the living room so many times we both got dizzy. He called everyone we knew, everyone we could track down and told them he was going to be a dad. I had a pretty easy pregnancy and even carried to term, Ezra Adam Torres was born at 6:29am on February 4th after six hours of labor. Drew was floating on air he was so happy, every time he looked at Ezra he was happy, beaming with pride and love for his first born child. He was the proudest father I'd ever seen and he relished every moment he got with Ezra. I had been working from home and had only gone back to work last week. Drew always took Ezra for the evening and he never complained once about diaper changing, late night feedings or having to soothe Ezra to sleep.

Our son had taken over our world, become our entire world and now our entire world was gone.

(DREW)

"Time of death 11:34am April 4th," the doctor pronounces our son dead and my world stops. I had no idea words could cut so deeply and hurt so much. It feels like everything is dark and crumbling, Clare collapses into my arms, she's screaming and crying so hard she can't even breathe. All I can do is hold her, hold my wife in my arms and look at my son that I love so much and he's dead. It doesn't seem possible, how can a life be so brief?

The doctor and nurses leave, they say something to us as they go, something like they'll give us some time but we're crying so hard I can't hear what they say. When they're gone Clare pulls out of my arms to look at Ezra, they've unhooked him from all the machines and monitors and he's just our son. Clare picks him up, holding him tight against her chest and wailing over the body of our baby boy. I hold them both, it's all I can do hold them and cry. This pain I'm feeling, this pain is so deep and sharp and like no other pain I've felt and I never want to feel it again, I want this pain to stop.

"You two should go home and get some rest," a nurse tells us coming in the room after some time.

"No no I won't leave him," Clare shakes her head gripping him tighter.

"There's nothing more you can do, you really should go home a…"

"NOOOOOOO!" Clare screams so loud it brings more nurses and doctors in here and Clare starts coughing to get air after using it all to scream.

"We need more time," I tell them and they all just nod and leave through the curtains.

We stay like that for I don't how long, at some point they moved the gurney into a private waiting room or something. I don't even remember them doing it but I guess they needed the ER bay. I don't even realize we're in the room until I feel my brother's hand on my shoulder. I look up and my little brother is crying, mourning the loss of his nephew, mourning our loss, Paige is here too sitting next to Clare but we don't say anything there's nothing we can say.

"Drew she needs to go home, she's shaking, she hasn't eaten or slept and if she keeps crying this way she's going to pass out," Adam tells me after watching Clare for a few minutes. I didn't even realize she was shaking so much or maybe I just thought it was the sobbing but Adam is right.

"She won't let him go and I don't think either of us are in any condition to drive," I reply but the words hardly come out my voice is so thin from crying and the heart wrenching pain I'm feeling.

"I'll talk to Clare, Adam find their stuff and get a doctor or someone. Adam can drive your car to your place and I'll follow in ours," Paige says taking charge. Adam leaves the room and Paige kneels down in front of Clare. "This isn't Ezra anymore Clare, he's in your hearts now, his love is always with you but this is just his shell and it's time to let go," Paige tells her.

Clare doesn't say anything but she lets Paige take Ezra and then Clare crumbles even further. A nurse comes in and rushes out again; he returns with a wheelchair and helps Clare into it. I get my keys from my pocket and hand them to Paige.

"Get her home we'll follow in a few minutes," I say to Paige and take my son from her.

"Take your time I'll take care of her," Paige assures me.

Adam goes out with them to get our stuff in the car and make sure Clare gets in the car okay. Now I'm alone with my son, no not my son anymore just his lifeless body that's becoming cold and stiff. He looks like one of the porcelain dolls at my grandma's house now. I sit in a chair cradling Ezra's body along my arms, his head in my hands and his little tiny feet hanging off my elbows.

"You can't be gone, how can you be gone you never even got a chance at life. I barely got to know you, to hold you, to love you. I never got to show you how to throw a football, see you off to your first day of school. I love you so much, I'd kill to protect you, how can you be gone just like that? I love you Ezra, I'm sorry I couldn't protect you; I'm sorry I failed you and let you down. I should have…should have done something, there had to be something we could have done to keep you in this world. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry my beautiful son I am so sorry," I apologize and break down in tears again. Saltwater pours from my eyes onto his body, my eyes close and a part of me never wants to open them again.

"Come on Drew we should get you home to Clare," Adam tells me and I feel someone taking Ezra from me.

I let him be taken from my arms and Adam helps me to stand. I don't see anything on the short drive home, even if my eyes weren't so bleary with tears I couldn't see. The only thing I see is every moment I had with my son and wishing I'd had a million more. Adam parks at our apartment building and we go up to our apartment. Nothing has changed in the apartment itself but it feels so empty now, so very empty and cold. Paige is on the sofa, she's on the phone but hangs up when she sees us.

"I called Owen and Ash they'll be here in an hour, they'll help us make the arrangements," Paige tells me.

"I'll call Mom and Dad and Jenna and K.C., I'm sure Mom and Dad will want to come down. We'll call everyone, Jake and Clare's parents and everyone else. You and Clare just be there for each other," Adam says.

"Speaking of my wife where is she?" I question.

"I went to the washroom and when I came out she'd locked herself in the nursery. I tried to get her to open the door but she just keeps crying," Paige informs me.

I nod and walk upstairs to the bedrooms, we moved to a two bedroom as soon as we knew Clare was pregnant. We started designing the nursery as soon as we moved in, painted it blue as soon as we knew we were having a son and he never even spent a single night in the nursery. We changed him in there and played with him in there sometimes but he was still sleeping in a bassinet in our room.

"Clare, Pretty Eyes it's me open up," I call knocking on the door. My head is pounding but my heart feels like it's just been wrenched open. My voice is hoarse and I'm so exhausted I can barely stand. "Clare open the door," I call again but she doesn't answer and I can't stand anymore. I lean my back against the door and sink to the floor, bringing up my knees and laying my arms on them, my head falls down and new tears come. "Clare," I say again knocking weakly and thinking I may just collapse here on the floor to sleep.

Clare says nothing but something hits the door and shatters, the sound of breaking glass startles me awake but the smell of alcohol is what's chilling. Clare doesn't drink, not ever she barely even has wine at special occasions she's such a light weight she gets tipsy after a single glass. I smell whiskey and knowing she hasn't eaten or slept in over 18 hours, knowing she was so dehydrated after crying I envision her passed out amidst broken glass on the other side of the door.

"CLARE OPEN THE DOOR!"

Well how was that for an emotional first chapter and the ride ain't over yet. Next chapter will pick up from here, include the arrival of some family and friends and probably also include Ezra's funeral.