For the hundredth time that night Peyton slammed her head back against the pillow. It had been like that the whole night, tossing and turning, going over everything over and over in her mind and at the end of the day it all came up to one thing, one name Lucas! She couldn't get him out of her mind, and she had tried, very hard. She had done the whole ice cream, alcohol and even the cheesy movies in the middle of the night but all it had made her do was think about him more and more. He was getting married today, to somebody who wasn't her as Haley had been so kind to point out the day before. For some reason as the hours ticked by it seemed to be more real. She just found it so hard to believe that she and Lucas wouldn't be spending their lives together like they had originally planned. Every day for the past four years she woke up hoping and feeling like this was all a dream or a sick joke. But no such luck, this was her life now, life without Lucas.
That thought was unbearable. It made her sick to her stomach, literally. She scrambled off the bed as she rushed to the bathroom and for the fourth time that night found herself sticking her head to the toilet. She couldn't deal with this, there was no way this was real. But deep down she knew it was and as reality set in the sickness only grew.
'P. Sawyer you okay?' Brooke shouted through the bathroom door. She had come in to tell her about the dress only to for her eyes to come into view of a slamming door.
'I'm okay.' Came a muffled reply through the door right before a horrible choked retching. Brooke shuddered. Oh but the wonderful wonders of alcohol. Peyton had been a bit drunk at the end of the night last night, but she hadn't thought that she was that bad.
'Well you better take a shower while you are in there otherwise we are gonna be late for the wedding.
'It starts at noon Brooke, that's hours away. Besides I'm not going!' she moaned.
'Yes you are Peyton Elizabeth, and you are going to look fabulous in the dress that I made especially for you. And you are going to show Lucas Scott exactly what he gave up. His a dick' She said sternly. She jumped back when the door was suddenly flung open.
'You want me to go to my ex-fiance's wedding so that I can witness him saying I do to another woman?' she asked incredulously. She couldn't even stand the thought of it. It made her want to throw up all over again.
'Well technically he wasn't really your fiancé was he?' 'Bitch!' it always amazed her how she always forgot that Peyton was always crabby first thing in the morning.
'Okay, maybe when he sees you there he will finally realize that his making a huge mistake and you are the one he is meant to be with and if not, seeing him get married will finally give you that closure that you need.' She amended.
'Your logic really sucks!' Brooke reared back as the door slammed in her face. Seconds later it was yanked open. 'Why do you even want me to go so bad?' she frowned at her, her hands on her hips glaring at her. 'Cause it will be so much fun, we can make fun of Lindsey and you can steal Luke back.' She said cheerfully, too cheerful.
'Steal him back? You can't steal someone who doesn't want to be stolen Brooke, and he has made it very clear on more than one occasion that he doesn't want to be 'stolen' or otherwise it would be me wearing that dress right now.'
'But you do still want him back?' 'Of course I do, but that's beside the point. I have done nothing but fight for him ever since I got back but he doesn't want me.' She said distraught and Brooke scoffed. 'If you think that then you are as stupid as he is, and one thing I know about you my dear Sawyer is that you are not stupid. You just have to show him that you are serious about wanting him and that he belongs with you.' Peyton sighed. She loved Brooke's optimism, she really did, but when it came to her relationship with Luke, any optimism she had ever had, had vanished. What if she ended doing something that made Lucas hate her, that she couldn't cope with.
'Don't you think I have tried?' she said defeated. 'I'm tired Brooke, I can't force him to be with me.' 'See that's not the attitude to have when you are trying to win back the love of your life.' She pointed out. 'Leave it Brooke. I can't go to his wedding. I don't want to see him pledge to love somebody else forever not just in front of everyone, but in front of god as well. I just can't. Seeing him say I do, will ruin me. So I'm not going.' She closed the door and started the shower signalling the end of the conversation. Brooke blinked several times trying to banish the tears that were threatening to fall.
'Oh Peyton what am I going to do with you?' she thought to herself. She didn't realize it but she needed to go to the wedding, to be able to let go if nothing else. Because she truly believed that unless she actually saw him get married she would never be able to truly let him go. And the way things were going she needed to let him go otherwise she was in for a life time of heartache. She sighed and went down stairs to start on breakfast. Peyton came down twenty minutes later dressed in black shorts; a rolling stones t-shirt and red converse shoes. Her hair was tied in a messy pony tail and she looked like the teenage Peyton again. 'I'm going for a drive.' She said swiping her keys and a ripe looking pear. 'No you are not!' Brooke said firmly, slapping the bottom of Peyton's hand and sending the pear flying. She caught it mid air and put it back in the fruit basket.
'What the..?' 'I have been slaving over the stove to soak up that alcohol of yours that you decided to down as if you had a tank for a stomach and you are gonna eat the breakfast that I made for you.' she said sternly placing a plate full of waffles and scrambled eggs in front of her accompanied by a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Peyton went for the coffee first, she really didn't feel like eating but then judging by the look on Brooke's face not eating wasn't an option. Besides she never really felt herself till she had a dose of coffee. She watched as Brooke pulled a chair opposite her and smiled at her brightly. Peyton stared at her in confusion. Something was up, when she smiled that brightly first thing in the morning even for her, something was up.
'And then maybe you can tell me why you were making out with my high school boyfriend yesterday. Twice!' she held out her fingers for emphasis. 'Oh shit.' She muttered under her breath pushing her plate aside. But apparently it was loud enough for Brooke to hear. 'Yeah...shit, so you wanna tell me what that was about?' she dropped her head on the counter. No, she really didn't want to explain. For a moment there she had completely forgotten about chase. Double crap. 'It was nothing I promise we were both drunk.' She said instead. 'Didn't look like nothing.' 'He was just trying to make Luke jealous and then you.' 'Really?' she said as it finally dawned on her what Peyton had really said.
'Do you really care?' 'No...Yes...no I'm with Owen now, so no I don't care.' Peyton didn't believe her, the way she had jumped at her about their kiss was no way a person who didn't care would. 'He still cares just in case you do actually care.' She turned and grabbed her keys and pretended not to see Brooke's sparkle of curiosity. She heard her shout that she didn't as she got out of the door. Peyton smiled to herself. Of course she didn't but right now she didn't have time to think about that, she was going for a drive to clear her head, to figure out what she was going to do next since the reason for her being here had suddenly vanished. As she drew her car off the driveway her thoughts were once again drawn to the previous night.
After her little argument with Haley she had gone back to the bar and told Skillz to keep them coming, and that she had and she had knocked them back one after the other none stop. She couldn't remember much after that. The next thing she knew she was outside leaning against chase. 'Heeeyy' she had slurred at him. He had just looked down at her amused. 'Having fun?' 'em Yeah loads.' She said between drunken hiccups.'You are a lousy drunk sawyer.' 'I'm not drunk.' She shook her head in denial but that didn't turn out to be a good idea as immediately her head began spinning. 'Oh.' She tilted almost losing her balance. Chase's arms had shot out to catch her before she fell. 'Easy there tiger. What happened when I left you with Haley?' his amusement quickly turned to concern. He didn't know Peyton that well but from what he knew about her she didn't seem like the type to get absolutely plastered. 'She is a bitch.' She said stumbling away from him to lean against the railing.
'Riiigghht.' He drawled following her. 'I assume this is about Luke?' it didn't take a genius to know that the girl was still in love with him. As soon as he said the name her face dissolved into tears. 'Oh no no no, I didn't mean to upset you.' he didn't do well with women in tears, they always unnerved him. 'He is getting married tomorrow and not to me!' she whined before she collapsed into heart wrenching sobs. Chase's eyes widened and he released a string of curses that would have made his grandmother was out his mouth with soap. He should have just kept his mouth shut that's what he should have done. but oh no he had to open his mouth and try to be all sensitive... look how well that turned out. He looked to Brooke for help but she was busy making out with Owen.
Peyton could feel herself losing control, that's the one thing she hated about being drunk, the loss of control. She lifted her eyes up to apologize to chase he planted his lips on hers. She froze shocked all the alcohol leaving her brain immediately. 'Errmmm, huh...' she chuckled nervously silently begging him to explain. 'Lucas is looking, 3 o'clock.' He explained. She turned around and her eyes met Luke's disapproving ones. 'Yeah.' Chase nodded smiling at her.
They started walking following slowly behind Brooke and Owen. Peyton watched him as he watched them. She wasn't the only one who had it really bad. 'You miss her.' she pointed out. He looked at her blankly and she pointed at Brooke. He nodded in understanding'.
'Everyday.' He said softly. 'I'm sorry.' She took his hand and squeezed it comfortingly. She knew hard it was to see somebody you couldn't get out of your mind. She would imagine that it would be doubly hard if the person they moved on with was your best friend. She didn't know what prompted her, whether it was the alcohol or something else but when Brooke stopped and looked their way she took his face in her hands and kissed him.
Later she would blame it all on the alcohol. This time it was he who froze and looked at her questioningly. 'Brooke was looking.' She explained and he nodded smiling at her softly. 'We are quite a pair you and I.' He took her hand again as they followed their best friends. She remembered throwing up a lot and not a lot after that. The next thing she knew she had been home in her bed.
Lucas smiled as he gave himself a final once over. He was getting married in less than an hour to the woman he loved. He should be happy, he was happy yet he still felt like there was something missing. 'Ready?' Nate offered him his jacket to put on. Yeah.' He smiled at his brother through the mirror. 'You sure you wanna do this.' Nate asked the question that every best man was supposed to ask his groom right before the wedding, only in his case he really meant it.
'Of course I do, after today I will be the happiest man on earth.' He smiled bashfully with such conviction that Nathan also believed him and hoped that it was true.
'Who would have thought six years ago that we would all be here?' He met his brother's eyes through the mirror which is why he was able to see the shadow that passed over his brother's eyes. Nathan sighed; he hoped it wasn't because of what he thought it was.
'Yeah well, its funny how things change, but I would say they have changed for the best.' He said brightly and for a moment Nathan wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. 'Really? You are on your own there cause I would say that my marriage being on the verge of a collapse is not 'for the best' as you so kindly put it.' Luke's face immediately fell in regret.
'I'm sorry man, I didn't think.' Nathan shook his head telling him not to worry about it. He tried to laugh it off but it just came out hollow and empty. 'How is that going anyway?' She's still not talking to me, even when I pick up Jamie.' He looked sadly.
'I don't know what else to do, I have done everything I can to fight for her but she is having none of it. I know that she needs time but I guess when she said that she should never have tried to change me and that she should have known I would never change that really got me. I just can't believe that she would readily take that nutter's word over mine just like that, after everything we've been through.' By the time he finished he sounded so angry and so broken that Lucas, a man of many words didn't know what to say to him.
'I'm sorry Nate.' it was all he could say. 'She'll come around' he offered feebly.
'I don't think so Luke, but thanks all the same.' he smiled sadly. 'Now let's not talk about this anymore. It's supposed to be a happy day, your day.' He smiled. Just then there was a knock on Luke's back door. 'Will you get that I need to get the flower thingy for my button hole from the fridge.' Nate chuckled at his brother relieving most of the tension in the room. He opened the door to find the last person he expected to find there, especially today.
'Sawyer?' he asked surprised.
He took in her disheveled appearance, unruly locks falling from her messy pony tail across the forehead.
She was nervous swaying from side to side on the balls of her feet. 'Can I talk to Luke?' she said hoarsely.
She had been crying. His heart went out to her. 'You sure that's a good idea?' he didn't, he knew how this would end, with her in tears and more heartbroken than she was now, if that was even possible. If there was one thing that he knew about his brother, it was that when he decided that he loved somebody, he bent over backwards proving it and poured his heart and soul into it, and right now he had decided that he loved Lindsey, which didn't spell good news for Peyton. 'I need to talk to him' Peyton wasn't really sure what she was doing here, even more what she was going to say to him when she saw him.
When she had left home she had driven around aimlessly with the top down trying to avoid anything that had to do with Lucas Scott, but all she had managed to be think of nothing but him. Talk about getting your own front row seat to a movie down memory lane.
Every place she had driven through had some memory or the other of them and it had ripped her apart.
Somehow she had found herself in front of the church. She had sat there, not sure why, thinking about that fateful night that had changed their lives forever, wishing that she had said yes, so that it would be her he was marrying today not somebody else.
She had stared at the doors endlessly and seen herself and Lucas smiling with all their friends around them, ecstatically happy...and married. Another car had honked furiously behind her snapping her out of her day dream that would never ever be, unless she did something about it. That's how she had found herself here, in front of his house. 'Sawyer...?' 'Nate asked seeming shocked.
'What's taking you so long? Who's at the door?' Luke asked coming behind him.
He stopped short when he realized who it was exactly at the door. Blue eyes clashed with green fiercely, Peyton's pleading and Luke's defiant as they were sent tumbling back into the tunnels of the past. 'What do you want?' Luke was the first one to snap out of it. He wasn't going to do this with her, especially not today. He was done with the past cause all it ever did was hurt him.
He didn't want to hurt anymore, and Lindsey offered him that world, one that was free of heartache.
'Hey Luke.' She tilted her head to her side the way she always did when she was nervous. He couldn't fail to notice her red rimmed swollen eyes she had been crying. Yet even with the bags under her eyes she still looked as beautiful as ever. He faltered, he could tell her to walk or he could ask her to come in and have her say, giving them both the closure they needed. He stepped aside and let her in. Nathan excused himself saying that he was going to bring the car around. He squeezed Peyton's shoulder in encouragement.
Lucas watched her as she walked around his bedroom. He couldn't help but remember the times she used to walk around like that in nothing but his t-shirt. He shook the mental image out of his head and looked at her now as she ran a hand over the pictures of his friends and family, but not quite touching them. When she came to Lindsey's she froze and her hand dropped to her side. 'What are you doing here Peyton?' he repeated harshly. She spun around facing him eyes wide. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out.
'You look good.' She finally said.
'Peyton...?' he barked impatiently causing her to jump and he immediately regretted it. She bowed her head and wouldn't look at him. He sighed running his hands through his hair impatiently, there was no point to this and he was about to tell her that when she looked up at him fresh tears streaming down her cheeks. 'You can't marry her.' she whispered through her sobs. He reared back as if she had struck him.
He didn't know what he had expected, but not this?
'What, why?' He queried impatiently.
'Because I love you.' She stated sincerely.
'I love Lindsey.'
'And I think you love me too.' She continued as if he hadn't spoken at all.
'Which is why you can't marry her Luke...marry me instead.' She clutched her hands to his chest desperately. He never wanted to see her like this, no matter what had happened between them, he had never wanted to see her like this.
'You said no Peyton, I asked you and you said no!'
'And I wish I had said yes Luke, I wake up every day wishing that I had said yes so that it would be you and me that were getting married today. But Luke if you do this the pain i'm feeling right now it's gonna get worse. And I can't do worse Luke okay...I didn't even think there was a worse' How many times had he wished for that? The two of them married just like he had envisioned since eighth grade. But she had squashed that dream with one single word. He didn't even realize that it was the first time they argued about it and she didn't say that she didn't say no, she said someday.
'But you didn't, now it's too late' He said coldly. 'No, no don't say that...please' She shook her head vehemently walking towards him. 'It's not too late Luke.' She took his face in her hands forcing him to look at her. When their eyes met, he felt the magnetizing pull that had always drawn him to her. He stared into those hypnotizing green pools and felt himself spiraling back into the past.
He mentally shook himself; he was getting married, to Lindsey! So he shouldn't be here!
'Peyton...' he covered her hands with his to release himself but she shook her head no.
'We can leave today, we can go to Vegas and get married, right now, or we can do anything you want, I don't care just please Luke I love you.' She pleaded desperately. Lucas opened his mouth to protest but she covered his lips with hers. She didn't want to give him the chance to reject her. When he didn't pull back she took the chance to deepen the kiss. Luke's mind blanked and all thoughts scrambled in his brain and he couldn't think. Rationally he knew that he shouldn't be doing this that this was wrong on so many levels it was way beyond wrong. But instead of pushing her away his hands snaked her around her and he pulled her close. She ran her tongue on the seam of his lips. He opened his mouth to protest pushing her away but she took the opportunity to thrust her tongue in his mouth.
He groaned as if in pain but he pulled her closer, molding her to him and pretty soon he began to respond, kissing her back, his tongue dueling with hers. A moan rang out between them, she wasn't sure whether it was him or her, she really didn't care.
All she knew was that it felt like coming home...she was home, right where she belonged. It was him and her again, the way it was supposed to be. There was a sound from somewhere in the room which caused them to spring apart. It was Nathan clearing his throat. They stared at each other in shock, Lucas not sure what exactly had happened or what had come over him, while Peyton couldn't believe what had happened and hoped that he wouldn't do the same thing he did the other time in his office.
'Am I interrupting something?' Nathan asked looking from Lucas's messy hair to Peyton's swollen lips.
'No.' Luke ground out running a hand over his hair trying to smooth it down.
He let out a string of curses. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. What the hell had he been thinking? The whole point of letting her in was so that they finally sort things out and shut that chapter of their lives once and for all, but what the hell had he gone and done? He might as well have gashed new ones with a blunt knife. He punched out the walls in anger and frustration making both Nathan and Peyton jump.
'Luke!' they both gasped out simultaneously. He was mad, furious even, At himself for letting this happen and at Peyton for coming here, for saying no in the first place, setting this whole thing in motion.
'Get out!' he barked turning to her ignoring the pain in his knuckles.
'Luke.' Nathan reprimanded his brother but Lucas ignored him. His eyes were on Peyton the whole time. She looked as if he had just shattered her whole world. And he just had. 'Luke please...' She whispered trying again stepping forward and looking somewhat like a puppy getting sent away from their master.
She wasn't going to give him up without a fight. But when he flinched as if she scalded him, she knew that was it, for good this time. If he had taken a bullet to her heart, that would have hurt less. 'Just go.' He said coldly, his face emotionless. Just then she didn't recognize him at all.
She looked at him, searching his eyes for any sign of the man she loved, the man who had promised to love her forever, wait for her, and she couldn't find him.
The eyes that used to bring her peace and tranquility by just looking at her now sent a chill down her spine and brought with them nothing but anguish.
She studied him trying to memorize his features then realized that she didn't want to remember this man, not him. The man she wanted to remember was the man who would just look at her and she would know that everything was alright in her world, the man who would kiss her and she would feel like she could do anything, be anyone. Not this man. She gave him one final look, his image blurry through her film of tears before walking out of his life.
When she was out the door she ran, ran until she was out of the his house and resting on the brick wall beside it. And then she let loose letting out a silenced scream of anguish and letting the hot tears fall.
A/N: Please read and REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! I hope you like this fic its called Innocence. Definitely a fic for the summer. This story explores the theme of Adultery.
LeytonFan4Eva x