The high expectations he had for college life all came crashing down within the first month, but he tried (oh god he tried), and somehow managed to get passing grades for the semester. His mental situation, on the other hand, was not as fortunate. Right before finals, Josh finally decided to have a therapy appointment with a school counselor. He knew they were there for students struggling with adjusting to college, but they weren't supposed to be there for him (he was fine, he was fine, he was not).
Anxiety and depression. He should have known. He was the walking textbook definition for these two mental illnesses during his first semester. He remembers the anger, the panic, the desperation. He should have known he needed help.
He was better now. After grueling therapy sessions, and learning coping techniques for the next semester (and the rest of his life), he was better. He wasn't perfect, not back to where he was last year (before college, before panic attacks, before the numbness), but he wasn't drowning. He was floating, and determined to be flying again soon enough.
Josh ended the semester with a sense of readiness. He was ready to get back to normal, to get back to himself, and the most important part of Joshua Matthews was family (but he hadn't told them. not ever. they needed to be proud). Spending a couple of weeks with his New York family before heading down to Philadelphia would be good for him, even though all he wanted to do was sleep (turn it off. turn it off), he could finally be somewhat of a cool uncle again (one day at a time. he'll get there).
Without bothering to knock he walked into the Matthew's cozy apartment, "Hey family!"
Cory and Topanga were sitting down with Auggie at the table, "Uncle Josh!" the excited little boy ran up to his uncle and was lifted to his shoulders. Josh smiled, this felt like home.
"My brotha!" Cory said while walking up to the college student, "My brotha!" Josh repeated.
His sister-in-law hugged him, "Hi Josh, it's nice to have you here this week, we were just going to start family game night. Why don't you get settled into the guest room and come join us?"
Josh put Auggie down on the floor. He looked around the Matthew's apartment, noticing that his favorite niece and a certain blonde (not that he cared), weren't there. He figured they must be in Riley's room, doing whatever they do on the bay window. The girls would be downstairs by the time he finished unpacking.
Several board games were out on the table when he got back down, but still no sign of Riley or Maya (he didn't care). He knew that they were going through some love triangle (which never made sense to him anyways, last time he checked, Maya liked him), but he didn't think their friendship would suffer. They were RileyandMaya.
"Where's Riley?"
"Oh. She said she wasn't feeling well today," Topanga answered.
Cory nodded, "We were going to invite Maya when Riley told us she was sick, but then you showed up and the teams wouldn't be even."
Josh was puzzled, "You were going to have family game night? With Maya?" Without your daughter?
His brother nodded and Josh processed the information, "Do you think my favorite niece is up for a visitor?"
Topanga rolled her eyes, "Josh, she's your only niece. I'm sure she'd love to say hello."
He walked up the stairs and down the hallway until he was in front of Riley's room. He usually didn't knock (their family was full of pigs), but this time he did, "Mom, dad, I don't feel like talking," Riley said softly, he could barely hear her through the door.
"It's Josh, I just wanted to say hi." He heard some rustling in her room before she unlocked the door.
"Hi, come in," she looked tired. Exhausted even.
He closes the door behind him and sits down at the bay window with her, he notices that window is closed. Riley smiles at him, but it doesn't stop her from looking like she's dying.
He cuts straight to the chase, "Riley what's wrong?"
Riley widens her eyes, shocked that he believed that something was wrong, "Nothing. I'm perfectly fine."
He closes his eyes and hears her voice cracking, it brings him back the nights he spent alone in his cold college dorm room. It reminds him of his own voice talking to a suicide prevention hotline, begging for a reason to go on.
He takes a deep breath and looks her straight in the eyes, "Riley, I know something is wrong, you can talk to me. I won't judge you or get mad at you. So please-"
One second he's giving Riley a speech to help her open up, the next second he's holding her while she sobs. He lets her cry. It seems like an eternity before she stops.
"Do you want to tell me what's going on?"
She remains quiet. Sniffling softly while looking out the window.
"Is this about the love triangle?"
Riley turns to face him with tears in her eyes, "No. It's not, it's about me."
"Okay, what's wrong with you?"
She hiccups, "I just feel so tired all the time." Tired. It was the word he used to describe himself for months at school. Too tired to get out of bed. Too tired to eat. Too tired to shower. Tired.
His eyes softened, did she have depression (isn't it supposed to run in families)? He wasn't sure. But he did know that his niece was seriously hurting, "Riley…"
"It's just. I feel so alone and scared," she pauses, "I should be happy right? I have great parents, even if I feel like they like Maya more than me. And I've got great friends."
He quirks his eyebrow, "What do you mean they like Maya more than you?"
"It's nothing," Riley freezes, trying to regain her composure, "I'm dramatic. It doesn't mean anything."
"Riley of course it matters, if it makes you feel bad, it means something. I promise I won't say anything to them if you don't want me to, but talking to someone does help."
"Okay, I guess that makes sense," she starts, "Sometimes I feel like my parents love Maya, and I'm just an afterthought. Like with this triangle. My mom is constantly calling Maya an amazon warrior, and comforting her about her feelings for Lucas, but she never talks to me about how I feel."
The room is silent for a moment. He can tell she doesn't want to keep going. He squeezes her hand, hoping she won't keep everything bottled up, she doesn't, "And then there's my friends. I know they love me, but they make fun of me being goofy and happy. And don't get me started on Lucas. I can barely talk to him and Maya anymore."
He shakes his head, "Riles, you'll work it out. You and Maya are the best friends ever. You can't just let it die because of a boy." A part of him (a lot of him) still couldn't believe Maya had feelings for Lucas. What happened to the speech she gave him?
Riley groans, "I tried moving on. But he's the first boy I liked, the only boy I've ever really liked, and the universe must be against me because I still like him. I want Maya to be happy, and I want to keep Lucas in my life no matter what. Everything would have been fine if Farkle didn't spill my secret in front of the entire eighth grade class! And now I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to lose everyone. It's about time though, right? Who would actually want to be friends with me?"
She's sobbing again and all he can do is sit there. She stops for a moment, "Josh do you ever feel like everything is just too much? Like it would be better if you just disappeared?"
College. Grades. Friends (or lack of). Panic attacks. He needed to be the best. Matthews' were the best. Failure was not an option. They needed to be proud. 1-800-TALK. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.
He had never told anyone besides his therapist about what he was feeling, but as he looked into his niece's big brown eyes, he knew she needed to hear it, she needed to know it was okay to be feeling like this, "Yes. I've actually felt that way a lot of the time, especially recently."
"How do you make it stop?"
Josh shrugs, "You talk to someone. You take it one day at a time. You try to accept that you can't be perfect. You try to love yourself."
She's looking up at the moon again pondering the words of her uncle. Josh knows that she's young, that she wants to be the perfect, happy, quirky, Riley Matthews she's always been. He knows that it'll be hard (after all, it was hard for him), but his niece needed to stop her toxic way of thinking (before it's too late).
"Riley, I think you need to talk to someone. These thoughts you're having aren't healthy."
Riley stares at him, "How do you know Josh?"
He can't look at her. This is it. "Because I felt like this all semester at NYU. I even contemplated killing myself a couple of times. Eventually I decided to go to a psychologist, and learned I have depression and anxiety."
Her eyes widened, "Josh. I'm so sorry. I know I don't say it enough, but I love you. You're my favorite uncle."
He chuckles at her, "Thanks, but we're not talking about me. We're talking about you. I really think you should talk to someone, a professional. Even if you don't have a mental illness, it's good to talk to them in times of stress."
"Okay. But please don't tell my parents. Not yet."
He nods. Cory and Topanga would find out soon enough, and when they did, he planed to have a talk with them about favoritism, but for now, as long as Riley wasn't hurting herself, he'll give her privacy.
Riley bits her lip, "Josh?"
"Yes?"
"Can I talk to you sometimes about things? I know you probably don't want to hear my drama."
He smiles widely at the girl, she wanted to talk, talking meant healing, "Riley, you are not a burden. You can always come to me."
She lets a small smile slip out (she still looks so sad). They sit in silence. Two members of the Matthews' family (the perfect family) were shattered souls, but that's okay, they'll be okay.