Hansel and... Hansel

Once upon a time there was a little cottage on the outskirts of a forest in which a bunch of poor people lived. The bossy poor people decided that the not-so-bossy poor people had to leave because they said so, and changed the locks on the doors just in case they tried to return. In the dead of night the house was then graffitied with limek faeces and the roof covered in tiny pebbles so everyone knew how horrible they were. After their revenge they found themselves in the forest alone, and after finding a gingerbread cave to live in, they decided that it was better than the cottage and so they'd stay. However it already had an occupant, an old lady, who scolded them for such reckless behaviour towards her home, and subsequently she turned them into ceryni. Thankfully she was only the size of a nose so her magic didn't affect them, and in desperation to get rid of her, they fed her to a mullook. And then they lived happily ever after for a little while. Alas, with little food and two hungry bellies to feed, the gingerbread was eaten bit by bit, until all that was left was the crumbs on their shirts. They then decided it was time to find a new home.

"Right, so we need a new home, possibly one which is not edible and also warm and free of ceryni, inava and stray gorin," Lorlen nodded speculatively.

"Especially free of gorin," Akkarin agreed, "although I must admit their fur is silky smooth."

"Do you have a map?"

"A map? If I had a map, do you think I would be currently sat on a rotting log looking for a new home?"

"Possibly. I have known you to do stranger things."

"Yes, you are right," he agreed with a smirk.

"Ok then-"

"We should also find better clothes."

"I think a home is more important right now."

"Says you who isn't currently wearing a discarded potato bag!" Akkarin exclaimed.

"And do you think a dress is any better, potato boy?"

"You must like it, cause you are wearing that pointy princess hat thingy too."

"My head is cold," Lorlen cried defensively.

"Of course little princess."

"Anyway, where do we start looking for a new home?"

"Shall we just wander aimlessly throughout the forest and see what we find?"

"I don't see where else this is going otherwise, so yes, let's do that." Jumping up off the rotten log, they started making their way through the forest to where it looked my brighter and not so evil.

"I don't think I should have eaten all the gingerbread," Akkarin moaned. "I feel so fat and-ahhhh!" His words were lost as a beanstalk shot up from the ground and catapulted him far away.

"That's much nicer!" Lorlen grinned, and started walking in the opposite direction. The forest was bright and cheerful and Lorlen began to wonder why he hadn't stumbled on it before, especially as it was just outside his old house. However it was rather quiet and even the birds had shut up (which Lorlen was incredibly thankful for), but it worried Lorlen's little naïve brain as something didn't seem right. The forest began to thin out rapidly and the ground became softer; soon Lorlen found himself standing on a beach, looking out into a murky sea. Waves crashed violently against gigantic rocks which lined against the shore, and Lorlen spotted a flash of green sparkling against them. A very beautiful mermaid sat combing her hair, singing in Vindo.

"Hey!" Lorlen said transfixed on her. Upon seeing Lorlen she jumped into the sea and disappeared. "Well that wasn't very nice." Looking back in the sea, Lorlen could see another mermaid, and hid quickly before she saw him. As the next wave splashed up on the shore, it brought the mermaid crashing against the rocks.

"Ouch," it said clutching hold of the rocks.

"Are you ok?" Lorlen replied peering over the rock he hid behind.

"I'll be fine," came a partial reply as they turned round to face Lorlen. As their face was revealed Lorlen began screaming.

"You're no mermaid!"

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"But why? Why do you look like that," he pointed at the body, "with a face like that," he finished pointing at the head.

"Punishment. They thought it would be funny if they switched my body to a female one."

"But you're a man? Aren't you?"

"Depends on what you are looking for," it grinned seductively at him.

"Get away from me," Lorlen cried, closed his eyes and ran round in circles trying to get away. "Whatever you are."

"That's not nice, I am merfolk! Just because I have boobs doesn't mean I don't get offended?"

"What?"

"I dunno, I heard some mermaids saying it so I thought I'd try it."

"I am going to run away now," Lorlen said hiding in his princess hat.

"Hey!"

"Go away!"

"You are a man too!"

"And?"

"You deceived me too!"

"Oh shush and get back in the sea," he said trying to be authoritative. "Before you scare more people away."

"But I need help."

"Yes, yes you do!" Lorlen nodded fervently in agreement, "but I cannot help you with that."

"You can," it protested, "I am looking for my son, he got lost in the forest as a child and I haven't seen him in so long and who knows if he is even alive. Oh my wife would kill me if she wasn't a tree."

"I don't even know how to respond to that..."

"How about by becoming my friend!"? It said happily. "Nobody wants to be my friend now because I am so mismatched."

"... Oh alright then, but just please please don't tell me what else is mismatched."

"Oh goodie! I haven't had a friend since my last one put on a dress and went to live in a castle where he was pricked by a talking cactus in a tutu singing something about dangerous cattle."

"Y'know what... I think I changed my mind."

"No don't do that! At least take my business card!" From it's shell bra came a pile of business cards shaped like toenails. Taking one he threw it like a boomerang at Lorlen.

"Why- Actually I am not going to ask why. Err, thank you... Rothen McMerfolk."

"Now, if you find my son bring him back! I want to see him again."

"How will I know who he is?"

"You'll know. IT IS YOUR DESTINY!" In awe Lorlen suddenly began to cry, and after wiping away his manly tears he stored the business card in his hat and went on his way.

It had been a long walk from the beach, and Lorlen was tired. He had no food, no drink, was bored and it was a little quiet without Akkarin around. After a few seconds of pining for his best friend, he sighed and sniffed really hard into the gentle wind. What's that smell? There was food nearby, warm food, precisely north of him, accompanied by someone who smelt of wine. How he knew this he wasn't sure, but part of him thought he may be related to sniffer dogs or a blood thirsty bear. Or possible his nose was so big, it was impossible to miss the whiffs in the air. Lorlen chuckled. Akkarin would be so impressed by my excellent whiffing. As he followed the scent north, he found himself within a fancy clearing surrounded by bright yellow flowers and sat right in the middle was a house. It was neither plain nor boring, nor anything in fact. It just was. The front door was wide open and it all looked very inviting; Lorlen decided to go inside and investigate before his stomach took hostages for being starved. However, he did not notice the huge footprints in the mud each ending in gigantic claws and a smiley face. In fact Lorlen didn't notice anything but the smell of porridge coming from the kitchen, and wine coming from the bathroom. Taking a left, Lorlen dove into the kitchen head first into a bucket of porridge. The consistency was so perfect, not too sloppy, not too dry than Lorlen found himself stuck, and no matter how much he pulled, he wouldn't move. This would be hilarious if it were not for the fact that I am suffocating... In a panic he began to wriggle and contort his body to be free of the bucket, and it became so dire that he even tried a back flip or two.

"Marvellous!" Cried a voice with an accompaniment of clapping. "Do it again!" Is this person some kind of idiot? Can they not see that I am suffocating? Are my back flips that marvellous? Deciding to continue, Lorlen strained himself and flipped once more, only to fall down as the lack of oxygen finally hit his muscles. "Oh dear, let's get this stupid bucket off of you."

"Thank you," Lorlen gasped once it was off. Laying partially in porridge, his stomach took over and began to eat it off the floor.

"Hey! Leave some for me! I came here to steal the porridge and I am not letting a commoner take it all!"

"I haven't eaten anything in ages!" Lorlen protested trying to see the person, but failed due to the food in his eyes.

"I haven't eaten anything in weeks."

"Well the last thing I ate was a partially cooked ceryni, which was empty inside."

"The last thing I ate was a rock," the blurry person wailed. "Though I must say it was rather tasty."

"Well I haven't washed in days, so if you really want to eat it after it's been on me, go ahead."

"I will," he replied, brought out a spoon and started to eat. Slowly Lorlen's vision started to return and he found himself looking at a young man (though he was almost so androgynous he couldn't tell) with dashing looks and a head full of golden locks falling in long tight curls.

"Who are you? I swear I have seen you before..."

"I am Goldilocks of Goldington, thirteenth child of the Curly chip man, seventy-fourth cousin of the Yeti from the Serengeti, and the godchild of a guy named Harold. But you can call me Tayend."

"Alright Tayend, but I swear I have seen you on something." Lorlen thought hard and long. "Maybe a tree or a decomposing log."

"Are you saying my face looks like a decomposing bog?"

"RAWR I AM A BIG SCARY BEAR- AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY KITCHEN?" Roared a bear in complete shock. "You even got porridge in the curtains and oh my, even in the tile grout, and what did you do to the oven? You two are very rude intruders and I must ask you to leave immediately!"

"But-"

"Get out, get out, get out!" The bear continued and began weeping over the spoilt wallpaper, "before I get out the mallet."

"Shall we leave Goldi?"

"Yes, lets." Tayend grabbed hold of Lorlen's hand and pulled him out of a conveniently placed door, and out into the beaming sunshine. "Now what should we do?"

"Well I am in search for a new home, some decent clothing, a food supply, my best friend, some transgendered merfolk's son and also I was hoping to find some sparkly things."

"Hmmm," Tayend replied bringing out a small book. "My schedule is free today now I have to cross off porridge eating and bear pointing and laughing.. Oh I did have an appointment with a fairy godmother, but she'll have to wait. How important can the life of seven dwarves really be? So, now I am free to do whatever, lets do one of your tasks. We really need to find you some clothes. That dress is ghastly and it doesn't even match your eyes. Whatever shall we do with you," he shook his head sadly and looked around the surrounding forest. "I could perhaps knit you a dress made of flowers..."

"I don't want a dress!" Lorlen exclaimed wandering off deeper into the trees.

"Are you sure? That skirt fits your waistline fabulously."

"Yes!" He stomped heavily on the ground. Beneath them the ground began to shake and quiver, and slowly the dirt fell away as a beanstalk burst from the floor. On it sat Akkarin with a cowboy hat screeching 'yee ha' over and over. "Akkarin!" Lorlen grinned, "you're back!"

Pulling on the reins attached to the stalk, Akkarin stopped it beside Lorlen "yo!"

"What are you doing with that... that... thing?"

"I brought this bad boy all the way from the sky. He is tame as a reber though, so hop on so we can go do something important. I hope this guy," Akkarin pointed to Tayend, "hasn't been harming you."

"No I have not!" Tayend squealed in protest, "in fact I saved his life twice and just emptied my schedule just so I can help him make clothes."

"Since when did you join the tailoring business, princess?"

"It is not-"

"HE HAS THE SACRED PEA!" Bellowed a small child from a hang-glider riding above. "Get him!" Grabbing a straw she spat out a red berry which splattered Akkarin's chest.

"Hey! I'll have you know this potato bag is not dye worthy!" From the clouds came more hang-gliders, each with a green clad occupant which suddenly let go and landed on the floor with a tight forward roll. Seeing Akkarin they all jumped on him, wrestling the beans from his hand. "Back you fiends!" Akkarin cried whipping them with a snake. "Back! Back! Ahhhh there are too many!" The children began biting and scratching him, tearing chunks of flesh from his legs and torso, sending Akkarin into a wild child whipping frenzy, accompanied by some cheesy dance music.

"I have the pea!" One cried with a mouth full of blood, "quick get the pillow!" From somewhere a red silk pillow was produced and all the children became subdued. A handful of beans were placed on the pillow and they all started prostrating in religious euphoria.

"We must get it back to the princess immediately! Or she will sleep silently without disturbance!" The leader child cried waving her sparkly wand.

"Leader! Leader! This is no pea!" A boy child wailed and hissed, "this is a bean."

"A bean? He must have eaten the pea!" The leader pointed at Akkarin in accusation, "we must retrieve it immediately."

"You are going nowhere near my stomach," Akkarin growled at them, then kicked his beanstalk into motion. Before the children could climb on, he was flying in the clouds; the children quickly jumped into their hang-gliders and zipped off after him with fury.

"Wow."

"I know."

"Do you reckon I can get one of those hang-gliders?"

"They may come with the ridiculously strong blood thirsty children though," Lorlen said scared.

"That is true... I never want to see that again."

Lorlen and Tayend had travelled for a long agonisingly painful two minutes and collapsed down exhausted.

"Maybe you'll find some clothes in there?" Tayend said pointing to a far away castle that sat on the horizon. "If nobody lives there you can also claim it as your own and that'll solve lots of your problems. Although castles sometimes have dragons in them, but also great stores of treasure, though they can get awfully cold, but then you can have the biggest bed in the world! That's it! I have decided. Lorlen you are going to claim that castle and I am going to live there too."

"Yes- wait, what?"

"Well after rescuing you twice, and travelling with you, and finding the castle, and not pointing out all your horrible fashion disasters, and telling you what to do, I deserve at least the biggest room. After all, what will you use it for? Hats?"

"After that insolence I may banish you to the tower!"

"Give me twelve and we have a deal."

"No I will not give you twelve. Geez you are pain in the posterior."

"Me? At least I have dignity and self-assured-" Tayend stopped abruptly as a lava lake appeared below the castle, flooding the whole area as far as they could see. "Wow! We have a lava moat lake defensive barrier?"

"How ever will we pass this now?" Lorlen cried. "It'll be night soon and I'm tired, my feet are sore, and I haven't yet found more clothes."

"Well that's easy-"

"Of course you think it is easy, you are some self absorbed eejit with more hair than brains!"

"No look!" Tayend yelled in his ear and pointed upwards. "There is a zip line which might take us all the way to the castle."

"But what if it drops us on the way? We'll be burnt alive!"

"There is only one way to find out," Tayend nodded, took out a coat hanger from his shoe and hopped on the wire. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee," he giggled and disappeared down into the valley.

"Don't leave me all alone," Lorlen wailed into the nothingness.

After much deliberation, coin tossing, and a really long hike, Lorlen finally managed to get to the castle. One side was polished fantastically so much that it sparkled, and below it sat an immaculately kept garden of little blue flowers. Lorlen looked up the wall to find a window marring the smooth wall, from it dangled a length of bright red hair, and he had a crazy need to climb it.

"Lorlen! Lorlen! I found a princess!" Tayend cried dragging a large body after him.

"Did you kill her?" Lorlen gasped and backed away. "Stay away before you kill me too!"

"No no, I didn't kill anyone," he laughed, "I found her this way. She is sleeping."

Lorlen peeked at the princess and frowned, "uhh, Tayend, that is a guy."

"What? Really? Oh boy! That's even better. Excuse me a minute while I, err, go and take him back to his bedroom. I might be a little while though. Cause, y'know, he is heavy and all." With a big grin Tayend dragged the body off back the way he came. Following, Lorlen tried to work out where the window with the red haired person was located, but found the castle almost completely overrun with weeds and petunias. In one corner, Tayend was undressing the poor man he had been dragging around.

"Tayend! What are you doing?"

"Oh! I didn't see you there, I was just, err, making him comfy, after all it is getting hot in here so I must take off all his clothes- I mean I must take off some of his clothes or he'll get too hot and dehydrate and that isn't good for the skin, and also I need a pillow and the only thing I can find is his clothes!" Tayend blurted out whilst his face turned bright red.

"Oh ok then. Just so long as you aren't doing something indecent to the poor man."

"Dannyl."

"Huh?"

"I named him Dannyl."

"I'm sure he has-"

"But I like Daaaaaaaaaaaaaannyl," Tayend cried.

"Alright then, I am sure Dannyl doesn't want anything indecent done to him whilst he is extremely vulnerable."

"You never know..."

"Yes, I do actually. It is written on his forehead," Lorlen pointed. "'No touching or cuddling'."

"But maybe I can-"

"No."

"Or I could-"

"No."

"How about if I-"

"Certainly not!"

"You could always join in-"

"Tayend," Lorlen sighed, "I am going to investigate the shiny wall now, and when I come back, I want to see that man untouched and still sleeping unless he wakes up himself."

"You're mean. I don't know if I want to live with you any more," Tayend sulked and started twiddling Dannyl's hair. Lorlen stuck his tongue out at Tayend and returned to the shiny wall, hoping it was still shiny. On the way back, he heard wailing coming from above. It sounded distinctly female, and Lorlen decided this was his chance to be brave at something for once. Seeing no way up to the window, he jumped up at the lock of red hair shaped like a ladder and grabbed hold. The wailing turned into screeching, and despite Lorlen's eardrums almost bursting several times over, he climbed up the hairy ladder until the window ledge was in sight. Finally he reached the window, however Lorlen's foot was still firmly rooted within the mass of hair. As the owner ran away, she pulled him flying across the room, and onto the bed.

"Oops," Lorlen said dazed. Before him stood a bald man nursing his head which now was speckled with red.

"You pulled off all my hair," he sobbed, using the hair as a tissue.

"I'm sorry, um..."

"Rapunzel."

"But I thought Rapunzel had blonde hair and was a woman?"

"Well I was, but then that damn Goldilocks had to ruin my parade! So I had a sex change -I go by Garrel now- and I dyed my hair red but then Fergulina got stuck in it. He's so small that he could be anywhere, oh no, you could have squished him! Fergulina, where are you? Come back to me my little Fergiwergie."

"I'm sure he is somewhere safe," Lorlen soothed, checking his hands and feet for blood. "And if not, you should start researching cloning so you can make more of him."

"There can only be one Fergiewergie!" Garrel gasped, "how dare you say otherwise."

"I didn't mean to-"

"As King and Queen of this castle, me and Fergiewergie banish you forever! Now leave my presence before I bring out the stinky socks."

"What is it with you lot all thinking I am afraid of everything? Stinky socks don't bother me, mallets don't bother me, the lava did bother me but that's because I hate frizzy hair-"

"Off you go, bye bye now," Garrel smirked, throwing him out of the window.

Why can't I find a house? Or at least something to make a house? Why is this forest so strange and insane? Where did Tayend go? Why am I hungry? Why do I have to question everything? When will I stop? I wonder if my bellybutton has any fluff in it? As Lorlen began to question the facts of life, he fell into a mud pit.

"Argh! I have mud all over my dress! Who the hell would leave some muddy mud here where anybody could step in it and die? These people need to learn consideration." Clambering out of the mud, he wiped himself off on some nearby straw.

"That's my house! You ruined my house! I have no house!" A pig squealed at him frantically.

"Excuse me?"

"Did you not hear me deafy, my house! You just destroyed it!"

"Oh, I am sorry. Well we can always remake it."

"No we can't! There is a wolf out to get me! I am a pig! These things always happen!"

"Maybe there is a nearby village-"

"They hate me! Why would they let me in! I am a pig! I have no house! The wolf will be here any moment!"

"Well, look here, whoever you are, how do you know a wolf is coming for you?" Lorlen asked confused.

"My name is Jolen! I have no house! I am a pig! The wolf eats pigs! Ones with no house! I am doomed!"

"There is a house there look, use that instead. It is made of sticks so will be more sturdy."

"Thank you! Whatever you are! I am a pig! I owe you a favour!"

"Don't mention it," Lorlen grumbled. As the pig sauntered over to the wooden house a harsh breeze collapsed it.

"Oh no! Not my house! I have no hou-"

"And you are a pig, yes I get it. Well what about that one over there made of bricks?"

"Excellent idea! I shall try it now! No wolf will get me!"

"See there you go, a good new home. Now I am going on my way quickly..." Feeling warm breath on his neck, Lorlen turned around and found himself face to face with a wolf. "Oh. Hi."

"You ain't no pig, but I could do with some good tasty flesh."

"Eep! No don't eat me! I am thin and bony, I haven't eaten in ages."

"Never mind, you smell good so you'll do," it whispered with gleaming eyes.

"Help!" Lorlen cried and tried to run away, but was stopped by the wolf's teeth. A small bottle smashed beneath his feet, and they were temporarily stunned for a moment. All Lorlen could smell was flowers.

"We did good, yai?" Came a questioning voice.

"Yes you did good Janola, now close your eyes so I can finish him. No, wait, you have to climb down first or you'll get hurt. That's it, be a good wife now and be ready for if he comes back." Lorlen stood stunned as a black eight legged beast helped down an incredibly short person carrying a bottle of perfume. Once safe the beast began to attack the wolf, spraying green juice at him.

"Faren, is that you?" The wolf said dodging the juice. Lorlen howled in pain at it covered him and started writhing in pain on the floor.

"... Balkan? Oh dear! I am sorry! I didn't recognise you there. It has been a long time since beast school, you've changed so much."

"That's quite alright. I have lost a lot of weight, and then I battled with oinkophobia and I didn't anything for a while. But what about you?"

"I am married now, to Janola over there. I imprisoned her ages ago and it ended up really well, those evil beast books really screwed up my head. Now we fight crime on a daily basis."

"Oh that's just wonderful... must be careful... children... " Lorlen stopped listening to them as he crawled away as quietly as he could, still writhing in pain. Pulling himself along he eventually made it to a small clearing where a little child was sat wearing a red hood.

"Help me please," Lorlen pleaded.

"And why should I do that? What will I get out of it?"

"I don't know, I have no possessions, but please help me." Grinning the child walked over to him. "My, what big teeth you have, little child."

"Little? Aw come on! I have been trying to shake that for years now. People are always going 'look at that little red' and 'why does little red look like a ceryni?' and I have had enough of it!"

"I'm sorry," Lorlen choked out. "I didn't know..."

"Well, I don't care. Y'know why? Cause you look tasty." Before his eyes, the little child transformed into a wolf and started drooling over Lorlen.

"Aw, no, not again," he wailed. "Why do wolves like to try and eat me?" However, as the wolf tried to take a nibble of Lorlen, a shower of arrows fell from the sky. From nowhere came a horde of reber which jumped and attacked the wolf from all sides. The wolf fought back, claws lashing out, but narrowly missing the reber. Lorlen quickly scrambled away as more arrows flew past and landed in the wolf's chest.

"Hey, that wasn't very nice," the wolf frowned. "Why did you do that for?"

"To save this poor man!" A valiant man swooped in, grabbed Lorlen and swooped out again. "Follow, my merry men," he called behind him to the reber and dashed off deep within the forest.

"I am Robin Hood, stealer of the monies from the rich snobby people, and giver to the poor and KFC-"

"KFC?"

"... I like their chicken," he admitted shamefully. "Anyway, you can call me Dorrien?"

"I thought your name was Robin," Lorlen said sceptically.

"That's my stage name. Do you really think I will tell people my real name? They'd hunt me down and kill me!" Nimbly he jumped into a nearby tree and hid. "You didn't tell anyone did you?"

"Err... No?"

"Good!" Dorrien replied springing up higher in the tree. Looking around he surveyed the area. "Come my little reber, come forth with the chickeny goodness." In the distance Lorlen heard a faint baa and could smell chicken directly south west. My whiffer surely is excellent today. That chicken is exactly 1 mile away. But... But... That chicken is fake! I can't eat that.

"Thank you for saving me, but I think I should be going now, I have things to do and whatnot."

"Will you not stay for chicken?"

"No... I really think I shouldn't."

"But why?" Dorrien frowned, jumped out of the tree and landed in front of him. "Why do you not want chicken goodness?"

"It's fake chicken!" Lorlen cried at him, "you are actually eating-"

"Don't say it!" He yelled and punched Lorlen in the face. "Don't say it ever." Lorlen lay on the floor stunned for a moment, then had a revelation.

"It's you!" He gasped, "you are that freaky mermaids son!"

"What?"

"I know your father-"

"I have no father!"

"Ok then, your mother-"

"My mother is a tree, you can't have met her."

"Then your father-mother-whatever. He told me I would know when I met you and that it was my destiny to bring you back. You need to go back!"

"Never!"

"Yes, and I will drag you if I have to, cause IT IS MY DESTINY."

"I am going nowhere," Dorrien said walking away.

"You are!" Lorlen screamed and launched himself at him. "You are, you are, you are!" From all sides, reber jumped out and blocked the attack. "Hey!"

"How dare you. Take him away. Put him in the chute of doom." The reber gasped suddenly.

"Let me go," Lorlen wailed, "I don't like chutes." Pouting he quickly continued, "or doom for that matter." One reber brought out duct tape and shut him up, then together they all transported him to the river. After binding his hands and feet, they dropped him a water chute, and waved as he slipped off downstream.

When Lorlen awoke, he wasn't entirely sure he was awake. He was gagged, blindfolded, his hands and feet were bound, his hair was tied up in a bun, and he was mostly naked. When he was finally released, he found he was wearing a top hat. And it was very dark. Very very dark.

"Ahhhh!"

"Shhhh! Before he hears!" A hushed voice whispered urgently.

"Who?"

"Snoe!"

"Snoe?"

"Shhhh!" Another hissed.

"Snoe is our master. He chooses who will go and who will stay."

"Riiiight. Well I have no idea why I am here, or why I am dressed like this, but could you possibly-" A bright light suddenly shone from above, and Lorlen fell to his knees. All around him he could feel people doing the same.

"Hello my little darlings," came a silky voice. "I hope you are all behaving in here. Now today I will take our newest friend. Pass him over, boys." Lorlen felt himself shoved forwards towards the bright light, where a hand grabbed him and pulled him into the light. "Lorlen," the voice screeched, "it's so good to see you once again."

"Excuse me," he said dumbfounded. "But do I know you?"

"Dear boy, you need to take another look, it's me! Your long lost cousin in law of a mother once removed by death."

"... Osen?"

"See, you do remember me," he beamed and sat Lorlen down on a rather phallic shaped chair. "Just make sure you call me Snow in public. That's my stage name; Snow White. Anyway, I must warn you now, if I treat you special in front of the guys, they'll get jealous, so I may just have to beat you... Often."

"Could you not just... let me go?"

"Never! You are here now. There is only one way you can escape my S&M dungeon."

"How?" Lorlen squeaked out terrified.

"Death."