A/N: An angsty little one shot for the holiday 'cause I miss my girlfriend and it totally blows being apart on a day when you get to see everyboy else get to be with the one they love...have I mentioned how much long-distance relationships suck?
Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day once again and Dean was in a random town in Bumfuck nowhere USA. Dean was just barely 13 years old and he was once again sitting in a stupid class, in "Homeroom" while they took the rest of the day off from studies and celebrated Valentine's Day. There was all sorts of treats, which the sugar addict in him appreciated immensely, but the rest of the crap they were supposed to do was just stupid to him. He was supposed to make a mailbox/basket thingy for people to put Valentine's Day cards in, he was supposed to make or bring cards for others. He was also supposed to bring a treat to share with the class, just as Sammy was supposed to, but, seeing as how Dad was gone, and the money he left for the week (already passed by another week after his supposed return date) was dwindling to non-existence, he'd only been able to afford a cheap pack of cards for Sammy and a bag of the crappy kiddie mix candy for Sammy to take with him and share. Dean was S.O.L. on being able to take anything and he sure as hell wasn't doing the stupid damn cards, even if he'd had the money for them.
Dean felt slightly guilty eating the treats the other kids had brought but only just as this was the most food he'd had in days because he'd been giving practically every morsel to Sammy and only eating himself every other day or so so that the money and food could be extended as long as possible in the hopes dad came back before it ran out. He hoped, but he didn't hold his breath. It wouldn't be the first time John Winchester had left them without funds and food and Dean had always managed to make the money stretch to the breaking point and then found a way to pick up more funds. Some times he had to do things that he wasn't proud of, things that made him shudder if he thought on them too long, but now, he was old enough that he had other options. He could sweet talk the local grocery store owner into letting him be a temp shelf stocker, or a mom & pop restaurant into letting him be a dishwasher or even do errands and odd jobs for little old ladies and mow lawns and stuff like that. He'd already decided he'd give his dad 1 more day before he went out to seek a job. He always hated leaving Sammy alone when he had to go work to keep them in food, especially since Sammy couldn't really protect himself form the bad things that lurked out there that he'd only so recently found out about. Dean loathed to leave the kid so under-protected but he knew he had no choice.
All that though, wasn't what was really bothering him today. No, what was really bothering him was how little he knew the other kids. Sure, some of the girls were pretty and he totally wouldn't mind a little making out 'cause he knew about sex and stuff that went with it, it was hard not to when the crappy no-tell motels they stayed in had free, unblocked porn channels and his body had already started to notice and feel things…No, what bothered him deep down was how lonely he felt sometimes around the other children. He simply had nothing in common with them, he supposed he hadn't since he he'd had to rush outside in the middle of the night frantically hugging baby Sammy tight and watched his house and his mom burn into oblivion. Those kind of things tended to make you see and do things differently and then, of course, add to the mix hunting the evil bastard that had done the deed and ripped his family apart, well…Dean knew he'd never fit in their world again, that he'd always be outside looking in. All he had was his tiny, tattered and worn family. Anything else was just a temporary bandage on a never-healing wound.
Certain days seemed to exacerbate that loneliness all the more. Days like Christmas and Thanksgiving, like Mother's Day, and, of course, today….Valentine's Day. Dean knew he was good-looking, he often used it to his advantage to get things from people that he needed without being taken advantage of, so he knew he'd get a pretty fair amount of cards in his box because of that. Of course, he had a bad boy reputation to keep so he'd play the part, flirt and tease and be his heartbreaker image to the "T". Deep down though, he could feel the loneliness crash over him in silent waves. Deep inside, behind an impenetrable fortress he'd built so diligently over the years, the boy that had had love, that had seen the love his mother and father had for each other, even though they fought terribly sometimes, and the love he'd felt from them for him, curled further and further inside himself.
The aching absence of love was almost overwhelming sometimes. He loved his father and brother, almost unhealthily so. It wasn't the same as when they been a real family, though. Sammy loved him and he loved his baby brother, would die for him, and he loved his father and practically worshipped him. Problem was, he wasn't sure how much his father loved him back. He thought he did, surely, because he was a father and fathers were supposed to love their kids but he was never told and never shown it by his dad so how could he really be sure? He knew there was the other type of love, too, the kind you see in the cheesy chick-flick movies, the kind he hazily remembered seeing his mom and dad have. It was that love that he was growing ever more sure he'd never have. He'd never have a wife to sweep up in his arms and make smile with a simple kiss. He'd never have a home to go to every night, the white picket fence and plush green lawn were never going to be his. He'd never have kids to love and protect and care for, to raise and guide and be there for as no one had been there for him…
No, he'd never have any of that. He was resigned to the fact that he'd always be a hunter, a tool and soldier for his father and nothing more. The small, wide-eyed boy inside him that had longed for home and family long after they'd been ripped away was slowly becoming a quiet, ever-yearning part of him, seeking out what he'd never get to have in every touch, and in stranger after stranger as the years passed. He'd never understand why he craved the one thing he'd never have so badly, and so he'd funneled that into loving his family and the few friends of the family that he considered family all the more. He poured his loved into everyone else until he had nothing left for himself.
Dean sighed, rolling his eyes mentally as he dragged himself out of the black hole of his emotions. Sometimes he wished he didn't feel anything, wondering if it might make it easier to live the life he lived. It was an answer he'd probably never find, he knew that, but sometimes he just couldn't help falling into that dark hole inside himself. Each time he let it happen, it became harder and harder to crawl back out again, so he worked harder than ever to not let himself fall again. He put up his mask instead, never letting anything get to him, never letting anyone close. That he could do, he plenty of practice after all…
Dean slipped out of the room to go to the bathroom and when he'd come back, and was at his desk again, sure enough, in the lame-ass basket he'd been forced to put up by the teacher was full of card and treats of all shapes and sizes. Inside himself, Dean's head hung low and his eyes drifted closed and the loneliness seemed to crawl up his throat and form a lump as so many colorful little reminders of things he could never have sat seemingly innocuous in front of him. Letting out a mental sigh of resignation, he called forth his most stunning, charming mask and became the devilish, bad boy everyone thought he was. He tugged all the cards and treats free, making a big show of flirting with each girl as he read each card, making each one feel like a princess and playing the role he'd worked hard to make everybody believe was who he was. Inside, though…the sucking darkness just widened a bit more at the unbearable lie that he called his life.
A/N: Ok, I know...again with the agnst...I couldn't help it, I was feely shitty, for reasons explained above and I had to let it out somehow...
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