Pairing: Phan
Genre: Angst. Also drabble
Trigger Warnings: character death, implied self-harm, implied drug-use, mentions of suicide and death, possibly delusional thinking, strange and screwy narrative
you are the one
Dan kissed death once.
It was just a brush of the lips, really, but it was cold and sickly sweet and something he never forgot. The taste still lingers on the tip of his tongue when he digs the blade a bit deeper, when his legs dangle over the side of the rooftop, when his thumb is just a bit heavier on the plunger than the last time. Dan is soaring and he's sure it's not the smack.
He can taste it, and each time it's never strong enough.
He can see it sometimes, too, lurking in the edge of his peripheral vision, and when he glances over it's gone and yet somehow he knows it's still there. It's a blur of black and white and blue, indistinguishable, but Dan knows what it is; he's sure of it. He's known since he was very small. It's been creeping nearby for his entire life, not quite close enough to touch, but he keeps chasing, and every time, he gets a little bit closer.
Dan knows it's just a few steps away now.
He's been sad all his life, but he hasn't really, because mostly he's just tired. And he's been tired for a long time. When he was seven he held his breath to see if he could die, when he was twelve he picked up a pocketknife and wielded it like a paintbrush, and when he was fourteen, he had his first kiss. The taste still lingers on the tip of his tongue.
Dan is seventeen now, and he's much the same as that fourteen-year-old boy, but his veins are little dirtier and hands are a little less steady. It's neither cold nor warm outside and it's a thoroughly unremarkable night, except for the fact that perhaps most teenagers don't walk down empty alleyways at three in the morning. But Dan isn't afraid because he's never been afraid and it's not like he's alone anyway. He never has been, because the boy with blue eyes is always two steps behind. Dan sees a glimpse of white behind him, and he turns. And there he is.
The boy is even more perfect than Dan's memory had dreamed up, tall and lanky and angled and not a day older than he had been all those years ago, but his eyes are sad. Three steps and Dan could reach out his hand and-
"It's been a while," Dan smiles at him, his oldest friend, his only friend.
"Not long enough," the boy says, and Dan wishes he wouldn't be so sad. He takes a step forward.
"I've missed you."
"I never left."
Dan closes the gap and kisses him then, and it's different and the same all at once. It's what he's been looking for and could never quite replicate, and it's no longer a brush of the lips. It's perfect this time, because his mother isn't crying in the background and Dan is clinging so tight because he can't let him get away again.
He doesn't know if it's the heroin or the taste that has been on his lips since he was young, but his heart is close to bursting and the world is still at last and he's finally home. Home in the arms of a boy that's he's met twice but loved his entire life, and their entire dancing, lilting romance plays out on the back of his eyelids before he opens his eyes and sees-
Blue.
And then nothing.
A/N: I hope you liked it! Please review if you have the time. The title is taken from the song by Placebo (x), but isn't necessarily based upon it. Also this is my first phanfiction so please be gentle with me xx
My tumblr is bemydaddydaniel, and I'll be posting my stories there as well. Thanks for reading!