Disclaimer: Do you think I'd be writing fan fiction if I owned it? Probably not. Most definitely not. And if I did, Sara and Grissom would finally have a scene where they kiss!
A/N: We're all just going to play make-believe here and pretend that all of the songs listed in this fic were written by the character listed (I don't want to give away who..) and not by their famous singer/band. Thanks for that. All Mistakes are mine. Please read and review - I long for your input.
-Songs of the Heart-
Sitting in the break room once again was Sara, writing, once again. Nobody seemed to know what she wrote into that very thick notebook of hers, it had actually become a running bet in the lab as to its contents. Greg personally chose to believe that she was writing all about her secret love for him. Nick thought it was her way of 'talking' about rough cases, Warrick thought it was her journal, Catherine was pretty sure it was a book of her fantasies, and Brass thought she was writing some sort of novel. Grissom however, knew the truth to a point, for he was there when that notebook was brought into her life some ten years ago. It was in a way a journal of sorts. The last time she ever let him catch a glimpse of its contents there were only a few pages filled. Now, the book looked worn and old. The pages were frayed on the edges and the cover looked as though it had been duct taped back on, many times. Her writings were getting closer and closer to the end of the book. He couldn't help but wonder what filled all of the pages since he last saw a page. Sara was nothing if not adamant on keeping her book private. When someone would enter the room, she would close the notebook and only open it again when she was sure no one was around. Not one single person has ever gotten up the guts to ask her what it is, except for Greg. But he learned his lesson and the rest of the lab learned it with him. The lesson - Sara is scary. Greg feared for his life that day when he tried to be funny and take it from her, expressing that he loves her too, and that it's okay to express her feelings for him. For him it was a joke, for her it was Greg getting his hands on her most personal and private moments and thoughts since the day that she met Gil Grissom.
Everyone, well except for Brass, were right to a degree as to what was in that book. No, it did not contain any love pairings with Greg, but it did express her love, for Grissom. Nick was right when he thought that she used it as an escape from tough cases, because she did that too, along with tough moments in her life. Warrick with his thought of it being a journal was probably the closest. It was in a way a journal. The entries didn't start with 'Dear Diary' but she did write about her life, its events and her emotions, most relating back to Grissom in some way. This leads to Catherine's book of fantasies. Sara didn't spell out her fantasies in it, but more her dreams and hopes for a future with the man that held her heart. And combined in to it all, she wrote music; the songs of her heart.
Today was a day like any other. Sara was sitting, writing, writing her latest thoughts, well, until Grissom came in and she instantly slammed the cover shut and folded her hands on top of it.
"Hey Sara." He said casually as he headed straight to the coffee pot. The slamming of the notebook was nothing new; no one was fazed by it anymore.
"Hey." She said distantly. She had been working a case for three days straight now with very little success. She was exhausted and hungry and anxious, to the point where she was beginning to worry Grissom.
"Sara, why don't you go home? You have been here for what 60 hours in the last couple days. Go home. No offence, but you look like hell." He said as honestly as he could. She did in fact look like hell, actually that would be a nice way to describe her right now.
"70, and no, I'm not going home. Brass is getting me a warrant right now for my suspects house and I'll be damned if I'm not here when it comes through. I finally have something to go on. I'm not leaving now." She replied as she got up and grabbed the cup of coffee he offered, leaving the notebook on the table.
"Well, at least promise that after you get the warrant and process whatever it is you need to process, you'll go home and sleep?" His voice laced with concern.
"Yes mom." She replied sarcastically as she sipped the hot liquid. Just as the scorching heat reached her throat she was startled by her pager beeping rather loudly, causing her to choke on said coffee. "Holy...shit." She gasped between coughs as Grissom rubbed her back, making them both feel a little awkward once her breathing was under control.
"Are you okay?" He asked dropping his hand rather quickly given the tension now in the room.
"I'm fine..." trailing off as she checked her pager."I got to go, Brass got the warrant!" She said almost giddily.
"Good luck." He said as she ran out the door. Then he noticed her notebook, sitting alone on the table. He ran and picked it up and then ran to the door but with her long legs and adrenaline now pumping through her veins, she was long gone. "Damn it." He said softly before looking down at the raggedy book. "I'll just take it to my office and keep it there until she gets back...for safe keeping. Yeah. Safe keeping." He said to himself, trying to convince himself that he couldn't read it.
Once he arrived at his office, he closed the door and shut the blinds. There was a never ending stack of paperwork and files to review and fill out on his desk and he didn't want to be disturbed. Or at least that was the story he came up with as an excuse for locking himself inside, with Sara's book. Gently he placed it down on top of one of the stacks and began working, or at least pretending to.
"Having Sara around me isn't even this tempting. Okay, wait, yes, yes it is." He muttered to the empty room as he stared at the notebook that seemed to be calling him in. After several minutes of dire temptation he picked up the book without thinking and opened it up to the first page.
September 7, 1995
Dr. Gil Grissom, oh boy. I think it's official that I have a major crush on my professor. No, it's more than that. The moment I walked in to that lecture hall I was captivated. First by his looks and that butt, but then he looked up at me. Those eyes are so incredible. It was like staring into the ocean and I swear something happened in the moment our eyes met, and I'm pretty sure he felt it too. It was like an electric current running through me. I've never felt that before. It was very strange. I heard that he was supposedly dull speaker and old. Let me clear this up. No and no. I loved just listening to him talk. Okay there was that really cheesy joke he told, which was horrible. But for some reason I found myself still laughing at it. The words he would choose and the way they rolled off of his tongue so effortlessly, ugh. I was mesmerized. And as for him being old, no way. Sure he's older than me, but that doesn't bother me one bit. He looks young. Maybe I can find something about him online or something, find out how old he actually is. Old? No. He could run circles around most of the jocks in that room today. So me, Sara Sidle, the spinster of sorts, has finally found herself a man to dote on, and naturally, as if this was some joke being played on me, he is pretty much off limits. At first I thought it was just me, but then I noticed him staring at me during his lecture and we started exchanging these flirty little smiles, in front of the entire class. It was so strange, because I don't flirt, but it just felt so normal, like we do it all the time and he didn't even know my name. I rectified that after his lecture ended. I saved my questions so I could ask him in person and have an excuse to introduce myself. Let's say that the electricity I felt when we looked at each other was nothing compared to when our hands touched. My whole body was on fire. And again, I think he felt it too. There was this look in his eyes as he shifted his glance from me to our hands and back, like he, Mr. Scientist, was trying to figure out the phenomenon of attraction. I found it to be quite amusing actually. So that was that. I had to get to work and so I said goodbye and left. I haven't stopped thinking about him since. I must know more about this mystery man that makes my heart jump!
Now he was truly intrigued by her writing. The first entry and already the memories were flooding his mind. He remembered that day as if it were yesterday. She was right. He felt it all too, and he was completely taken aback by her. There was just something about the girl with the brown hair and long legs and that smile that later became known as the 'Sara-Smile', he was equally captivated with her and just as determined to find out more about her. Turning the page he read on.
September 9, 1995
So he took me out for coffee after class. So I could finish asking all of my questions of course. ;) I wonder if there were any ulterior motives to that. I know I had mine. Just another question to add to the mystery that is Dr. Grissom. I can't believe how off track we got. We sat there for hours just talking. About him, about me, well as much as we would divulge. I think it's safe to say we're both pretty private people. He's a CSI in Vegas, and I'm finishing grad-school to get my degree so I can become a CSI. So we had a lot to talk about. He explained the horrors of the job and the crime scene, as if he were trying to look out for me. If only he knew that it would hardly be the first crime scene I was in, or a part of. But we'll save all that for another conversation. I don't want him running for the woods just yet. So anyway, we had a good time, or at least I did. I hope he did too. The he insisted on paying the check. What a gentleman. He's just so adorable like that. So I'm about to say good bye and walk home as he says it's not safe and that he'll walk me. How could I refuse that? Well, I tried, but it didn't work. Apparently he's just as stubborn as I am. Which I like, it's a very sexy quality in him. So we're walking and he takes my hand in his. I seriously thought that I might faint from the contact. It was amazing. And then we get to my apartment and he kisses my cheek goodnight. What a man. He's perfect. This is ridiculous. I feel giddy. And I can't wait for Friday's lecture. Oh someone help me, I'm falling in love.
Again Grissom was completely caught up in the memory. He was falling for her that day as well. That was the day that he began to let down his defenses and take chance. It was perfect. She was perfect. Turning the page to the next entry, the date immediately caught his attention. It was a date he'd never forget.
September 18, 1995
He's asleep, in my bed. And naked. This is so not happening. I'm going to wake up and realize that I dozed off in his class and this has just been one incredible dream. Well, I hope not. Tonight was by far the best night of my life. Griss is incredible. I couldn't get enough of him. Everything was romantic and thoughtful. He was so gentle with his touches and with me, always seeking silent permission from me, which I readily gave of course. Simply put, I now know for sure that I am in love with this man. I never want to let him go. I wonder how he knew that today was my birthday. Happy birthday to me! Gil Grissom making passionate love to me was by far the best gift a girl could ever ask for. I'm the big 25 today. Weird to think about really. Me and my math ready mind. My life, by all statistical standards is about a third over. But at the same time, with this new, incredible man, it's only just beginning. I'm hopeless. He came over and surprised me for my b-day. It was awesome. He made me dinner and well, dinner turned into desert. Not that I'm complaining. I thoroughly enjoyed him as desert. He saw my guitar and piano. Asked me to play for him. I think he noticed how old my guitar is. He had this look on his face that I can't quite describe. Maybe someday, but not yet. I did write a new song though.
The sun is shining everyday
The clouds never get in the way
For you and me
I've known you just a week or two
But baby I'm so in to you
Can hardly breathe.
I am so totally
Wrapped up emotionally
Attracted so physically
Acting so recklessly
I need you so desperately
As sure as the sky is blue
Baby, I love you.
I love you.
I never knew that I could feel like this
Can hardly wait till our next kiss
You're so cool
If I'm dreaming please don't wake me up
'Cause baby I can't get enough of what you do
I feel so electrically
Charged up kinetically
Acting erratically
Need you fanatically
You get to me magically
As sure as the sky is blue
Baby, I love you.
I can't believe
That this is real
The way I feel
Baby I've gone
Head over heals
I am so totally
Wrapped up emotionally
Attracted so physically
Acting so recklessly
I need you so desperately
Sure as the sky is blue
I feel so electrically
Charged up kinetically
Acting erratically
Need you fanatically
You get to me magically
Sure as the sky is blue
Baby, I love you
Baby, I love you.
Do you love me too?
Baby, I love you.
So I'm still debating on whether to play it for him or not. Maybe some day. Just not today. Overall, best birthday ever.
Sitting back in his chair with the notebook in his hands, his face is flushed. He remembered the song. He never forgot it. She played it for him the next day right after he told her that he loved her. Taking a deep breath he moved on to the next entry.
October 23, 1995
New song. I think Griss is my muse. For some reason I have all these thoughts in my head for new songs.
I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you.
Now you're here and
Everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you
In your eyes I see forever
It makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
We're shaping my heart for the day that I found you
You're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you
Yeah, yeah
Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you
Was the last day that I ever lived alone
And I'm never going back
No, I'm never going back
Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you
Yeah I will never have to go back to
The day before you
The day before you.
I never thought I could ever be so in love and now I'm just another hopeless romantic.
Grissom sat there and pondered that song for a while. He remembered that one too. But now he felt that something was missing from his life and he knew exactly what it was. Her. She did go back to the day before him, sort of. She held out hope that someday that could be together again, but he just kept pushing her away.
November 23, 1995
waking
up i see that everything is ok i wouldn't
change a thing about it (chorus) i found a place so safe,
not a single tear [Innocence lyrics on
wouldn't change a thing about
it (chorus) it's a state of
bliss, you think you're dreaming it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry (chorus)
the first time in my life and now
it's so great
slowing down i look around and i am so amazed
i
think about the little things that make life great
this is the best feeling
this
innocence is brilliant
i hope that it will stay
this moment is
perfect
please don't go away
i need you now
and i'll hold on
to it
don't you let it pass you by
the first time in my life and now it's so
clear
feel calm, i belong, i'm so happy here
it's so strong and
now i let myself be sincere
this is the best feeling
it's the happiness inside that
you're feeling
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
it's a
state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
it's the happiness
inside that you're feeling
it's so beautiful it makes you wanna
cry
this innocence
is brilliant
makes you wanna cry
this innocence is
brilliant
please don't go away
cus i need you now
and i'll
hold on to it
don't you let it pass you by
Thanksgiving has never been anything more than another day to me, but now all of that has changed. For the first time in my life I felt like I really had something to be thankful for. I have him. It was a hard day given my 'family' if you could even claim them as that. I think he sensed something was wrong, but he didn't mention anything, and I'm not quite ready to let him in to that part of my life just yet. But that's okay. He made me happy today. It was the perfect holiday.
Smile at the memory he released a long breath. Knowing what he knows now about her family he can understand what was wrong with her that day. Flipping ahead a few pages he found what he was looking for, Christmas.
December 25, 1995
It's Christmas, and today was perfect. Griss gave me the most incredible and thoughtful gift I have ever received. Actually now that I think of it, this is really the first 'real' Christmas I have ever had, and he made it perfect. He got me a new guitar. It's amazing and must have cost him a fortune. I asked but he refused to answer and said that I was worth it. It's made of the most beautiful wood I've ever seen and he had the back engraved. It says, 'My lovely Sara, Merry Christmas '95. I love you. Love, Griss.' He is too amazing. And I have to say that I love that the whole 'Griss' thing stuck. I really enjoy having my own name for him. So anyway, I wrote a new song the last few days and I played it for him for Christmas and I got him the butterfly that he's been looking for since he got here. I can't even begin to describe the torture I went through to find that thing. But it was all worth it when I saw his face. He looked like a four year old opening his gift to find a brand new fire truck or something. It was truly and adorable sight. My heart melted. God, I love him.
Out of all the boys, you're not like the others.
From the very first day, I knew we'd be lovers.
In my wildest dreams, my darkest desire.
Would I declare to you your love takes me higher.
Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone.
They shone a light and brought us together.
We are two in a million.
We've got all the luck we should be given.
If the world should stop we'll still have each other,
And no matter what we'll be forever as one.
It's a crazy world where everything's changing.
One minute you're up and the next thing you're breaking.
When I lose my way and the skies they get heavy,
It'll be okay the moment you're with me.
No one would have guessed,
We'd be standing strong today.
Solid as a rock and perfect in every way.
Merry Christmas. The Best ever!
Turning in his chair he looked behind him where the butterfly she gave him hung proudly on his wall. He treasured that more than anything else he owned. He had searched for it for months with no luck using his resources as an entomologist; he couldn't even begin to imagine the lengths that she had gone to find it. That was the best Christmas he had ever had as well. And now, they always spent Christmas together, but for other reasons. They both would always volunteer to work since they had no where else to go. He wondered if she still had the guitar. Or if she had smashed it to a million tiny pieces on one of the many times he had hurt her since that one beautiful Christmas. He had been to her apartment a few times since she moved here but he never saw it. Although he did remember that she usually kept her keyboard and guitar in her bedroom. She didn't like people knowing that she played. Flipping ahead a few more pages, he opened up to the hardest time of his life. Saying goodbye.
January 27, 1996
Today was the hardest day of my life. I said goodbye to the one person I love more than anything in this world. All because of what? A job? I couldn't possibly hate myself more right now. I got my degree in the December graduation and applied to different labs. I got the job at the San Francisco Crime Lab. I guess it just never occurred to me that Griss would be going home to Vegas. I was so excited about my new job. I start next week. But now, I'm not at all caring about it. This job was a chance in a lifetime opportunity for me. I know that. He knew that. I've been waiting all of my life for this; for a chance to help people to bring justice to the victims. But now I'm not so sure.
He told me to take the job. He said that I was right, that this was my one chance. That if there was a way he could get me a job in Vegas he would have but there's no openings. He had just hired two new CSI's, Nick and Warrick I think; something like that. How can I do this? How can I take this job and give him up? I miss him so much already. He helped me get here. He pushed me and never let me give up on myself or my goals. He was wrong. He was all I wanted. Love was the only goal I had, and I found it, but I let him leave.
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost the day I let you go
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I've finally realized it was forever that I've found
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost the day I let you go
I really want to hear you say that you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round
Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry)
Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking?
Looking down the road you should be taking
I should know, (I should know) 'cause I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go
I'm so lost. My entire life I never imagined I could feel what I feel for him, but I do and now he's gone. I miss you Gil Grissom. I love you.
A silent tear fell from his cheek as he finished the entry. His life in many ways ended that day. He didn't want to be the reason for her giving up on everything she'd worked for, not to be with him. She deserved the world. It wasn't until this moment that he realized that the world to her was him. The tears continued to fall as he thumbed through the pages to about a year later.
February 3, 1997
So, I'm in Vegas, and needless to say I am nervous as all hell. My case brought me here. But well let's face the facts, I didn't have to come, my heart was what brought me here. I've tried moving on, unsuccessfully I might add. Every guy I talk to just never seems to be worthy in comparison to Griss. No one ever will. And now, I'm sitting in the airport and my mind is racing. Although the flight did count for something. I came up with a new song.
I
thought about calling you when I got off the plane I
can see clear to the mountains as I head up our old street Saying you've been waiting all your life for a
break like this But you were wrong I thought about
calling you when I got off the plane But you were wrong
Every time I
see this city through the clouds I get that way
Call me crazy for
missing you like this but I do
By now I figured you had all your
numbers changed
It's been at least a year since I called you up to
say
We need to talk I got this job and I think I'm going to take
it
Cause I been waiting all my life
For a break like this
It's
my chance of a lifetime I just know it is
I got to go find these
dreams
Was the last thing that I said
And then I did
I
remember how we'd call in sick on days like these
And turn the
music up roll the windows down and just drive
You talked me out of
giving up on myself so many times
Convinced me to get in while I
could regrets hang heavy on the mind
But you never doubted me you
kept pushing me
It's your chance of a lifetime you just know it
is
You got to go find those dreams
Was the last thing that you
said
And then I did
Love was what I
wanted all along
And now you're gone
Every time I see this city
through the clouds I get that way
Love
was what I wanted all along
Now he was confused. She was in Vegas and he never knew? This was before he was supervisor, so granted, he wouldn't have been informed of her presence but why couldn't she have called? Now that he thinks about it, right after this entry is when he started hearing from her again. For over a year they hadn't spoken, but what seemed out of the blue he had gotten an email from her. It started with the simple emails, 'hello' and 'how have you been?' but then their words began to form into long lost emotion and longing for each other, then the phone calls started; after a hard case, or bad day, or sometimes just because. Those started off innocently as well, but through time they became much more than that.
July 19, 1998
So I'm pretty sure that I was very drunk last night and I really hope that I didn't do what I think I did. But as usual, I'm pretty sure I did. Calling Griss while very drunk bad idea. Eliciting very…stimulating…erotic conversations is well…fun, but when we're not together anymore and I have a hard enough time not thinking about him, become sexually frustrated is very difficult. Although, I'm pretty sure that he was not drunk and he was a very…willing…participant. How ridiculous am I that after almost three years I still can't get over him? Ugh…just kill me now. Somehow I don't think that last night's conversation is going to be the last of those. And I'm not exactly sure how to react to that. Wow, I miss sex. No, I miss Griss sex. I'm hopeless.
Now Grissom was to say a little, aroused. He remembered that night very clearly. It had been his night off and he was watching a documentary on the discovery channel when his phone rang. He had been almost surprised that it was Sara, given the time was about 3:00 am, and she worked the day shift. It hadn't taken him very long to realize that she was drunk. Very, very drunk. And when she started to tell him, in grave detail, everything that she missed about his body and things she wished she could do to him, fire rose in his skin and blood flowed in large volumes to places south of his belt. Within minutes he was complying with her and telling her all of the things he wanted to do to her, and inevitably they ended up having very heated phone sex, leaving them both very aroused and very frustrated for days to come. And she was right; it was not the last time it had happened. And now, they could barely have a two minute conversation. Taking a shaky breath he flipped forward a few more pages and read on.
May 27, 1999
I talked to Griss last night, but something was different. I don't know what it was, he just seemed off. Maybe it's just me. I'm starting to think that I may be losing him for good. Maybe it's just time to move on for good. But I can't. I love him too much. Today was a very hard day, a little girl is dead all because of parents to wrapped up in their own problems to notice her. If there was ever a time I needed Griss here with me, it's right now.
I
always needed time on my own When you walk
away When you're gone I've never
felt this way before When you walk away
I never thought I'd need you there
when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the
bed where you lie
is made up on your side
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need
you right now?
The pieces of my heart are
missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing
too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get
me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And
the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just
like you
I love the things that you do
I
count the steps that you take
Do
you see how much I need you right now? When you're gone We were made for each other All I ever wanted was for you to
know When you're
gone
The
pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I
came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I
need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I
miss you
Out here forever
I
know we were
Yeah Yeah
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly
breathe, I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're
gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're
gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the
day
And make it OK
I miss you
He remembered that time in his life. He had been the same thing about her, which he needed to finally move on. Thus starting the endless train of pushing her away. But he had noticed how sad she had sounded on the phone. Wiping away an errant tear from his cheek, he moved ahead to when he brought her here.
October 10, 2000
So I'm again sitting in the airport awaiting my flight, only this time is different. Griss has asked me to come to Vegas. He said he needed me. Well, for a case, but I can be hopeful right? God, I haven't seen him since the day I brought him to this very airport to say goodbye. I think it's safe to say that I'm a little nervous. Okay I'm down right terrified. That poor girl that was shot, I hope that I can help. I'm confident in my CSI abilities, that's not the problem. Seeing him again after all these years, I don't know what I'm going to do. Professional. Stay professional. It's just a few days anyways. I just wish I knew his true motives. I wish I knew mine. I barely even let me ask before I was packing my suitcase. I miss him. And now I am more anxious than I have ever been.
He remembered himself being just as anxious and confused that day. Everything in his life was changing and he wasn't sure how to deal with that, so he called her, and without a moment's hesitation she was on her way. Throwing 'Norman' dummies off of the roof worked as a nice distraction until he heard her voice sing through the crowd. 'Wouldn't you if you were married to Mrs. Roper?' He was caught breathless at the sound of her voice. An instant smile grew to his eyes and slowly he turned around and his heart stopped. She looked just as beautiful as he remembered, if not more so. He drank in the sight of her, the curly brown hair that encased her soft face, that heart-melting smile, that voluptuous body that he had dreamed of for too many years now, all of it. And when she removed her sun glasses and he was met with those eyes, those eyes that had trapped his heart from the first day, he was once again lost in her. A few days later he asked her to stay. She did. But hen he realized that he was now her supervisor, things were different now, things were different with her here. So he pushed her away. They flirted constantly, and they would have simple lunches or breakfasts together, but they remained simply friends. Until the day that lab blew up. That's when everything changed.
May 8, 2003
How could I be so stupid to think things could change? To think that somehow he could change? I can't even begin to believe how much everything has changed for the worse. I hate where we are now. I miss us being able to talk for hours on end, to just be near each other. I love him, and I know he loves me. What is he so afraid of? The fact that he's my supervisor is bullshit. He was definitely sleeping with me when he was my professor, so that's just a stupid excuse to mask the real reason. I wish he could at least just talk to me.
Are you
aware of what you make me feel, baby? I
was left to cry there, waiting outside there Why should I care? Am I just some chick you placed
beside you, I
was left to cry there Why should I care? Crying out loud Open your eyes
Why should I care
Right now I feel invisible
to you, like I'm not real..
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around
you?
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say...
Grinning with a lost
stare,
That's when I decided...
'Cause
you weren't there when I was scared
I was so alone...
You, you
need to listen!
I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip
And
I'm in this thing alone...
To take somebody's place?
When you turn around can
you recognize my face..?
You used to love me, you used to hug
me
But that wasn't the case,
Everything wasn't okay..
Waiting outside there
bring me with lost
stare
that's when I decided...
'Cause
you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
You, you
need to listen
I'm starting to trip
I'm losing my grip
And
I'm in this thing alone
I'm crying out
loud
Crying out loud
I'm crying out loud
Open up wide
'Cause you weren't there
when I was scared,
I was so alone
Why should I care?
'Cause
you weren't there when I was scared,
I was so alone
Why should
I care?
If you don't care, then I don't care
We're not going
anywhere
Why should I care?
'Cause you weren't there when I
was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care?
If you don't
care, then I don't care
We're not going anywhere
He had been a fool and a coward, it was that simple. She was right. He did love her, he still does, and the fact that he is her supervisor truly is just a stupid excuse. The truth being that he was afraid of losing her again. He still hadn't gotten over the first time. He couldn't take the risk to have her and lose her all over again. It would kill him. But now, as he sat in his office reading through her notebook, he realized that in protecting himself, he was killing her. That spark that she used to carry around with her was dying out, and if he didn't do anything soon it would be lost forever, she would gone forever.
January 15, 2004
I officially don't know what to do anymore. I knew something was wrong from the start when Grissom wouldn't let me into the house or see the body of Debbie Marlin. Frankly, I was pissed. How dare he make me do a rookies job. Then I saw how worked up he was getting about the case and how he wouldn't talk to me, was avoiding me at all costs. I had to hear it from Catherine that he hadn't gone home in three days. Something was off, I knew it. So the first chance I got I went to the morgue. Catherine had made a comment about the victim looking just like me. I was curious so I took a look for myself. That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life. Seeing yourself, lifeless and laying on a metal slab was a very surreal thing. I suddenly knew why Grissom was taking this case so hard, why he wouldn't look at me. He saw me when he looked at her. Naturally, then I read through the case file, only to find out that she was killed by her former lover, who just happened to be her boss. Her much older boss. The resemblance between us went far further than physical. It was creepy. And Grissom saw that too. So to pique my curiosity further, I did the one thing I will regret forever. I went to the observation room when Grissom and Brass were interrogating Dr. Lurie. What I heard in there I will never be able to forget. He can't come to me and tell me the truth, but he can admit everything to a stone cold psychotic murderer. That hurt. He looked so lost, so tired, so defeated. And I stood there behind the glass watching, listening as he told this man that he couldn't risk being with me. I have so many emotions running through me right now that I don't even know what to feel anymore.
Shock was a subtle way of stating what he was feeling right now. He had no idea that she had heard him. How does he always seem to hurt her in the worst possible way? Now the tears were coming in a full silent stream.
March 1, 2004
Brass seems to think I have a problem because I had a beer with breakfast. Just because I had a drink or two doesn't make me some alcoholic or something. I really wish he would just stay out of my life sometimes.
This caught Grissom by surprise. Granted months later he had picked her up after her DUI, but he had no idea that Brass had known. Or that it had been taking place for that long. Guilt was now an overwhelming feeling, knowing that he in part pushed her to that point.
May 14, 2004
I can't believe this, now not only am I not good enough to be with, but apparently I'm not good enough for a promotion either. I can't handle his damn head games anymore. And his excuse? Bullshit. Nick wanted that promotion just as much as I did, if not more. And we all know that I was the better candidate for it. Pissed off doesn't even begin to describe my feelings right now. Betrayed is up there too.
Tensing up as he read that, he remembered the cold stare she had given him when he gave her that 'excuse.' Truth is he had heard the rumors that he was going to choose her because of their history together and he didn't want her to have to deal with that. With people not giving her the respect she deserved because they thought she only got the position from sleeping with the boss. He was trying to protect her, but once again, in trying to do so, he had hurt her further. In trying to give her respect he had taken it all away.
May 20, 2004
Of all the things that could go wrong. I'm home now thanks to Grissom driving me from the police station after being arrested for DUI. I was expecting him to yell, to get angry, to lecture. Anything, but all I got was a gentle hand squeezing mine and a 'Come on, I'll take you home.' It was even possible, Gil Grissom has confused my already bemused mind even more. Why is life so damn complicated? I keep thinking about my parents lately. About how despite the abuse, they always seemed to have everything figured out. I keep thinking of the why's. I mean, I know WHY she killed him, but why was she laughing when she did it? Why did she not think of the two kids she was leaving behind when she was taken away? Everything is consuming me, and I don't know how much more I can take.
I
couldn't tell you Whats wrong,whats wrong now? She wants to go home Open your eyes Be strong, be strong
now She wants to go home Her feelings she hides Yeah... She wants to
go home She's lost inside, lost inside
Why she felt that way
She felt it
everyday
And I couldnt help her
I just watched her make
The
same mistakes again
Too many,
too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she
belongs
But nobodys home
It's where
she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to
go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
And
look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And
now you can't find what you left behind
too many, too many problems
Don't know where she
belongs
Where she belongs
But
nobodys home
It's where she lies
Broken inside
With no
place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken
inside
Her dreams she can't
find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't
find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from
grace
She's all over the place
But nobodys home
It's where she lies
Broken
Inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her
eyes
Broken Inside
Oh,
ohh
She's lost inside, lost inside
Oh, Oh... oh... ooohhh
Back were the tears as he remembered the day she was arrested. The feeling of despair and guilt that he felt when he saw her in that waiting room. The electricity that still remained when he took her hand. He drove her home in silence. He found himself looking at her every few minutes and feeling his heart stop. She had been looking out the side window, trying to avoid his gaze, but he caught sight of her reflection and saw the tears overflowing from her tired eyes.
December 11, 2004
As if I weren't thinking about my past enough lately, I was confronted with a poor, helpless little boy that was let down by the system. Seeing those foster kids sitting at the police station was like a flashback. I knew exactly what they were feeling. And as if the day couldn't get worse, there's Sofia Curtis. I hate the woman, flat out hate her. To add to that she so obviously is all over Grissom, and I don't even think he's noticed. He flirts back, but if there's one thing I know about him is that he doesn't realize when he's flirting. At least I can hope that he wasn't deliberately leading her on, but then again, I seem to always be wrong about him. The team being split up sucks, but having to work with her when she so blatantly wants to get in his pants, just makes it all that much worse. I looked up my mother's case. I don't know why exactly. She's dead, suicide. He's dead, murdered. And my brother, well who knows. Sure the file spills out the details, and the photos. Photos of me, a bruised and battered thirteen year old girl. That was rough. I'm starting to think that I'm losing the battle with myself. That thirteen year old self that still remains within me.
Conversations
with my thirteen year old self You're angry Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you
darling You're
laughing The
pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare Conversations with my
thirteen year old self Until we meet again
Conversations with my thirteen
year old self
I know this
The world
couldn't care less
You're lonely
I feel this
And you wish
you were the best
No teachers
Or guidance
And you always
walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is
home
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There
are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to
be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell
I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time
But
you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter
that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed
off complicated thirteen year old me
Conversations with my thirteen year old
self
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish
you well
Little girl
Until we meet again
Oh
I wish
you well
Little girl
I wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me
Another time in his life he'd rather not remember. Sofia Curtis had definitely intrigued him. She had been somewhat of a distraction to him, keeping his mind off of Sara. He had been a fool, yet again. He knew that case she was talking about. He had seen the way she seemed to affected by it, but he hadn't put too much thought into it. In fact he tried to not put too much thought into anything concerning Sara, it was safer that way. But now, regret was pouring in. Her life was basically falling apart at that time and he saw it, he just ignored it. 'Ignore it and it will go away.' He couldn't have been more wrong. Had he just sucked up his damn pride he could have helped her but instead he had simply lit the fuse for what was bound to be a very explosive reality slap.
February 3, 2004
Heart wrenching and confusing would describe my day. Let's see, abuse, abuse and some more abuse. I saw my mother in every one of those abuse victim photos. That led to the anger and as a result saying some nasty things to Catherine, which I don't necessarily regret, they were the truth and it was about time someone said them. But my luck played out once again and Ecklie heard it all. So being me, I decided that what the hell, if I'm going down, I might as well make it worth it. So Ecklie got a nice piece of my mind. DEFINITELY didn't regret that one. So now I'm suspended for a week.
Abandoned my notebook to answer the door. Of course it was Grissom. Sparking the fire that is my emotions. But that was just the beginning. Ecklie wanted him to fire me, but he didn't. He just wanted to talk. He wanted to know what's been going on with me. If there is one thing about the whole Grissom-Sara tango, it's that we're both too stubborn for our own good. He wasn't leaving until I spoke up, and I really wanted him to leave. So eventually I caved. If he wanted to know, what the hell, I'll tell him so much that it'll scare him away. In the moment of my adrenaline rush I didn't think about what confessing my past would do to me, and of course, I broke down like an idiot, right there in front of him. I was expecting yet again, for a lecture, some stupid consoling that I heard most of my life of how sorry he was or something stupid like that. I should have known better. Gil Grissom is nothing is not unpredictable. He sat there, he held my hand and eventually pulled me to him and let me soak his shirt with my tears. Surprisingly, I have never felt better in my life. I've been carry around this secret, keeping it from him in fear of him freaking out, that I never realized what it was doing to me. I'm finally taking the steps in the right direction and it's all thanks to Grissom. Of course.
He was proud of her. More than proud. He knew how difficult it must have been for her to tell him about her past, but she had and ever since she had been truly getting better. Working to be better. She looked better. She seemed to have a new aura, a cleansed one. And ever since they had been closer. Friendship wise anyways. He was helping her as best he could to get through her past. He had to admit, she was taking him by surprise with how well she was doing. He had expected her to fall back, to fight, to deny that she had a problem to face. But she didn't. She took it all in stride. One thing he should have known was that Sara Sidle was nothing if not unpredictable.
April 28, 2005
Life as usual sucks. Another day that brought back more fun memories of my childhood. Note to self: Mental hospitals suck. Greatly. It reminded me of when mom was brought to one after the 'incident' and when I was forced to visit her there. I remember running away that night.
I've
got my things packed To run away I was just trying to be myself I'm too young to be I might have nowhere left to go It don't make any sense to me I could
sing for change I was just trying to be myself This life makes no sense
to me
My favorite pillow
Got my sleeping
bag
Climb out the window
All the pictures and pain
I left
behind
All the freedom and fame
I've gotta find
And I
wonder
How long it'll take them to notice that I'm gone
And I
wonder
How far it'll take me
It don't make
any sense to me
Run away
This life makes no sense to me
Run
away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
It don't make
any sense to me
You go your
way I'll meet you in hell
It's all these secrets that I shouldn't
tell I've got to run away
It's hypocritical of you
Do as you
say not as you do
I'll never be your perfect girl
I've got to
run away
Taken seriously
But I'm too
old to believe
All this hypocrisy
And I wonder
How long
it'll take them to see my bed is made
And I wonder
If I was a
mistake
But I know that I
cannot go home
These words are strapped inside my head
Tell me
to run before I'm dead
Chase the rainbows in my mind
And I will
try to stay alive
Maybe the world will know one day
Why won't
you help me run away
Run
away
This life makes no sense to me
Run away
On a Paris street
Be a red light dancer
In
New Orleans
I could start again
To the family
I could change
my name
Come and go as I please
In the dead of night
You'll
wonder where I've gone
Wasn't it you
Wasn't it you
Wasn't it
you that made me run away
You
go your way I'll meet you in hell
All these secrets that I
shouldn't tell I've got to run away
It's hypocritical of you
Do
as you say not as you do
Never be your perfect girl
I've got to
run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run away
This life
makes no sense to me
Run away
It don't make any sense to me
Run
away
It don't make any sense to me
It don't make no sense to me
It don't make any sense to
me
Life don't make any sense to me
If only the foster folks hadn't found me at the bus station.
He never knew that she ran away. Another piece of the Sara puzzle. He flipped to the next page, the day of the attack.
April 29, 2005
Like I said, life sucks. Note to self: Don't get trapped in a room with a psychotic rapist and murderer. I thought I was going to die. Then I saw him in the window. The look in his eyes, he was more afraid than I was. And for one small moment I let myself wonder if he'd even miss me. But then I saw him, read his lips as he begged for someone to open the door. For the first time in a long time I saw the love in his eyes, the vulnerability. I knew then that if I made it out of there minus a body bag, things would change. I hope they do. Had Griss not been there to keep me strong I don't know what could have happened. On the way back to the lab he kept staring at me, at my neck where the nice purple bruise has formed, but there was something very serene about it. Like he finally realized that it's possible he could have really lost me. It was weird; I don't know how to describe it. He hasn't let me out of his sight since. Like he's afraid I'll just disappear or something. So now I'm sitting in the break room waiting for him to take me home, he insisted. I just hope he doesn't camp out outside my door or anything weird like that. He's so strange sometimes. But what can I say, even after all the years, the bullshit and the pain, I still love my Bugman.
He had to take a shaky breath as he finished that entry. She still loves him. 'Bugman.' He loves that. She always had a way of making him feel slightly giddy. And she was again right about him. He had been terrified that she would somehow disappear if she wasn't in his sight. It had been two weeks since that horrible ordeal and every time he closed his eyes he saw Adam Trent holding that shard to her throat, and in his nightmares, he watched at he killed her right in front of him. He had been petrified beyond belief. Losing Sara was by far his worse fear. Turning to the last written page, he took a deep breath as he read.
May 12, 2005
I'm tired. Three days working this case and we've gotten no where. It figures.
I'm not sure what's going on anymore. Griss has been…well…strange lately. Like for the first time he's actually seeing me. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it makes me a bit nervous. I don't want to get hurt again. And our little push pull game can't continue. I can't do that anymore. Maybe he's seen the light. Ha. Yeah, probably not. If only. I wish he would just suck it up and
"And what? AND WHAT!" He yelled to the book. Apparently that's where he had walked in to the break room and interrupted her. Well, he's made one decision. He's going to take the risk. Take the chance. Taking out a piece of stationary he began writing. Folding the letter and placing it in a plain envelope, he placed that and the notebook in a large manila envelope and sealed it. Writing simply 'Sara' on the front. Taking a hesitant breath he brought the package to the locker room and leaned it against her locker.
About an hour later Sara returned to the lab and headed to the lab in hopes of finally going home for some much needed sleep. As soon as she opened the door to the locker room she noticed the package and as she got closer, the handwriting spelling out her name. Breathing in deeply and taking a long look around the room she picked up the package and sat down on the bench behind her. Carefully she turned the large envelope over and opened the flap. Reaching her hand in to the wrapping, she pulled out another envelope and her notebook.
"Oh god." She gasped at the realization that she had left her notebook…with Grissom. Taking another shaky breath that seemed to match the movements of her trembling hands, she opened the second envelope and pulled out the letter.
My Dearest Sara,
Words cannot begin to describe the remorse I feel for having hurt you so much over the years. No excuses can ever change that therefore I will not give you any. All I can tell you is that I love you. I have always loved you. From the first day I saw you back in San Francisco until the day I part from this Earth I will love you. You are my reason for breathing, and I have been a fool. A coward and a fool. I was so afraid of being hurt, of losing you again, that I in turn did the worst thing imaginable. I hurt you. I pushed you away and I can never change that. All I can hope for is that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't deserve it, I know this. I want to have a life with Sara Sidle. You are my everything. I wish we could go back to the way we once were, but I know that cannot be. For I, the stupid man that I am, have destroyed that ability, but I hope beyond hope that we can at least restore a part of ourselves together. My life means nothing without you in it, and if that means simply just as my friend I will accept that. Because having you as a friend and in my life is better than not having you at all. But know one thing Sara, you will forever hold my heart. I love you and the songs of my heart will forever by sung from your lips. When you're ready, I'll be there.
Love Always,
Griss
"Oh…my…god." She gasped as she let go of the tears clouding her eyes. Placing down the letter she felt something else in the envelope. Reaching in, she couldn't believe what she saw. The butterfly that she had given him for Christmas ten years ago. More tears trickled down her cheeks as she swallowed the lump in her throat. She didn't hear the doors open and was startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you." Catherine said quietly. When Sara turned around to face her, she was taken aback by the young woman's demeanor. "Sara, are you okay? What's wrong?" She asked, genuinely concerned. For a moment Sara just sat there staring at Catherine, but as if she wasn't even seeing her, she was lost in her mind somewhere. And then out of the blue, she jumped up, gathering up the contents of the packages and bolted out the door. "Sara!" Catherine tried calling after her, but to no avail. "Now that's a woman on a mission." She mumbled to herself.
Sara was taken over by adrenaline as she ran through the corridors, knocking down several lab techs and almost hitting Ecklie in the process. She faintly heard him yelling after her, but couldn't find the means to care. Her mind was racing and her heart was beating furiously, not giving her a chance to rethink anything. Marching down the final hallway, she found her destination. Taking one deep breath, she stormed through the door, startling the man seated behind the desk.
"Sara…I…umm…" He stuttered, rising to his feet and coming around the front of his desk as she slammed his door shut, making him flinch a bit. There was a fire in her eyes that he couldn't quite read and that scared him.
"Did you mean this?" She basically yelled at him waving the letter at him.
"I…I…" He wasn't sure he knew what to say, what would be the right thing to say given her fierce energy.
"Damn it Grissom! For once, just be honest with me." She demanded, moving slightly closer, making him back up, a little afraid of this woman.
"Every word." He replied honestly. Hell, if she was going to kill him, she was going to do it no matter what he said, might as well go with the truth. But then the unexpected happened, she started to cry. Silently, but still undeniable tears. Now he was confused. "Sara…I…uh…I…" He stammered as he moved closer to her, very cautiously.
"Shut up." She said forcefully.
"I uh…" He was a little in shock to say the least.
"I said shut up." She interrupted as she moved to him with grace and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissing him with all the passion she'd held for ten years. After several minutes and a shortage of oxygen she reluctantly pulled away only to rest her forehead against his. "I love you too, you stupid, stupid man." She said with a saddened smile as she kissed him again.
Three months later –
Waking up with a smile on his face, he reached over to where Sara slept, only to find cold sheets. Instantly wide awake, he sat up and looked around the room, it was just as empty.
"Sara?" He called out, but received nothing in response. Grabbing his boxers from the floor he quickly put them on and walked out of the bedroom, to be greeted with the best site there is to offer. Sara, in candlelight, clad only in a silk robe sitting before her keyboard, singing.
"You've been the first in my life
Who has ever made me feel this way
And I will not deny
I'm need you right here by my side
Baby, I can't wait
Come and hold my hand and let me lead the way
Let me take your breath away
By holding and kissing and loving and touching you
Never will be too late
See myself through your eyes
Baby, I can't wait
Until the day I hear you say
You are mine
There's no other one for me
Keep in mind
You make my life complete
And tonight
We'll make love endlessly
Cause you're mine
You're the one that I'll keep for all time
Now that you're here boy,
I'm never gonna let you go
Can I touch there, oh
Do you mind if we kiss real slow
You're my everything
You're my hopes and dreams
Baby, you know it ain't no lie
I'm gonna be with you till the day that I die
Baby, I can't wait
Come and hold my hand and let me lead the way
Let me take your breath away
Holding and kissing and loving and touching you
Never will be too late
See myself through your eyes
Baby, I can't wait
No, no till the day I hear you say
You are mine
There's no other one for me
Keep in mind
You make my life complete
And tonight
We'll make love endlessly
Cause you're mine
You're the one that I'll keep for all time
You're the one that lights my fire
You're the one that keeps me strong
You're the one that I depend on
When my world is going wrong
You're the one that I hold closer
You're the man I'm dreaming of
And I really, really love you
I just want you to know that
You are mine
There's no other one for me
Keep in mind
You make my life complete
And tonight
We'll make love endlessly
Cause you're mine
You're the one that I'll keep for all time
You are mine
There's no other one for me
Keep in mind
You make my life complete
And tonight
We'll make love endlessly
Cause you're mine
You're the one that I'll keep for all time
I can't wait till the day
When I'll hear you say
You're the one that I need
You're the one that I'll keep
For all time"
About half way through the song she noticed Grissom was there. She hadn't heard him come out. This was the first time since San Francisco that she was singing for him. He came up behind her and kissed her cheek as he listened to her play the music and sing the words. It was a new song she's been working on, and this was the first time she sang it completely through.
"You're the one that I need; you're the one that I'll keep for all time." Grissom stated fondly as he stared in to those beautiful eyes of hers.
"Well, that's good to know." She said as she moved from her seat to sit on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply.
"Mmm. Did I hear something about making love endlessly tonight?" He asked with hopeful banter.
"Hmm. Well I suppose that could be...arranged." She said as she pulled the belt from her robe, letting it fall open and delighting in the noise he made. Walking away from him and back to the bedroom she let the robe fall from her shoulders and hit the floor, revealing her naked flesh. "Are you coming?" She asked with a seductive grin when the shocked Grissom hadn't moved.
"Uh…yeah…" He replied as reality caught up with him and wide-eyed he followed her to the bedroom.
Hours later, lying in bed, Sara traced the words 'I love you' on Grissom's chest with her fingertips.
"I'm glad you kept the guitar." He said quietly and he felt her smile in to his chest.
"There were a few times that I thought about throwing at the wall, or beating you with it, but I could never do it. I'm glad you kept the butterfly."
"Well I never thought about smashing it to pieces, but I'm glad I kept it too." He said smiling into her hair.
She let out a light chuckle at the thought of Grissom harming an insect.
"I love you Bugman." She said as she leaned up and gave him a light kiss.
"Mmm. I love you too." He replied hugging her closer.
-The End-