I watched as Tracy cried, tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the sofa below, and wished there was something I could do.
It wasn't fair. She'd suffered enough today as it was.
Although, with a heavy heart, I noted it probably wasn't just today.
Her usually silky hair was unwashed and tangled, her makeup nonexistent, and her clothes creased.
"Trace," I said gently. "What's going on?"
Rewind
That morning
It had only been that morning that I'd really started to notice something was up. I'd suspected something in previous days and had been keeping an eye on her, but nothing had happened until that day.
"Morning, Trace," I said as she entered the office. "You alright?"
"Yeah, thanks," said Tracy. "You?"
That was when the first cracks had started to appear.
"Yeah, I'm good," I said. I then noticed that Tracy hadn't brought her usual jacket, despite it being cold outside. "Tracy?"
Tracy turned to me.
"Did you not need your jacket today?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, I, um, forgot it," she answered. "And by the time I noticed I was already running late and was nearly at work, so thought I'd leave it."
I gave her a small look of concern. I would have noticed straight away if I'd forgotten my coat this morning. "Did you want to borrow one for going home?"
"I'll be alright," said Tracy, though she still looked cold. "Thanks, though."
She gave me a smile before she left the room.
Something wasn't right. Really wasn't right.
And I was going to find out what it was.
Later that day I was in the office when Gina called for lunch. I made my way down to the kitchen and greeted her and Tracy, who had been helping.
"Looks good," I said, helping to put some of the dishes on the table.
As I was finishing off I noticed Tracy leaving the room.
"Trace?" I called. "Where are you going?"
"Oh, just, to the office," said Tracy. She paused. "I'm not hungry."
I was about to smile and tell her OK, before I suddenly realised that she'd been doing this for a few days.
Five days in fact.
"Hang on, Tracy," I said. I followed her as she continued to leave the kitchen. "Tracy, you haven't had lunch for five days now." I paused as she whirled around to face me. "Are you OK?"
Tracy nodded fiercely. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I just, I'm not hungry at the moment."
I sighed slightly. "Tracy, it's me. You can tell me what's going on." I gestured with my hand. "We can go to the quiet room, or the office if you prefer." I paused. "And I promise I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to."
Tracy nearly gave in. I saw her hesitate as the tears came to her eyes. However, the tears were quickly replaced by a look of defiance, one that I knew meant she was going to carry on no matter what.
"I'm just not hungry," she said. "I'll eat when I am."
And with that she went into the office and closed the door behind her.
I gave another sigh, before I went back to the kitchen to get lunch. I'd have to talk to Gina about this.
"I've noticed it as well," said Gina. "She's struggling at the moment."
The fact that I wasn't the only one who'd noticed the change in Tracy was worrying.
"What with, though?" I asked. "Nothing's changed. She's still home, with Cam, still got us here..." I sighed.
"Well something has changed," said Gina. "She wouldn't be like this if it hadn't."
Gina paused for a moment before she continued.
"Maybe it's something internal," she said. "Maybe something's happened that's just flipped a switch in her brain. Maybe not even something big."
My eyes widened for a moment. "So you're saying it might be, like, something mental?"
"I don't know," said Gina. "But at the moment I can't think of anything else." She paused again. "She needs something to eat."
"I know," I said. I paused for a moment. "Maybe she's been put off by food though. I have an idea."
And with that I left and went down to the kitchen.
I placed the glass of strawberry milkshake complete with a straw on the table next to Tracy.
"I'm not hungry," she said, dismissing it immediately.
"It's a drink," I said. I then went over to the other side of the room to do some paperwork of my own.
I watched as Tracy eyed the glass, before putting the straw in her mouth and taking a small sip. I gave a small smile. Hopefully with a few calories in her Tracy would be feeling a bit better.
I continued to watch her as she slowly drank the milkshake, and tears began to roll down her cheeks.
I was about to say something before I stopped myself. I wasn't really supposed to be watching and didn't want to startle her, at least not until she'd finished the milkshake.
I watched as she finished it, before putting the glass back down and carrying on with her paperwork. I waited a few minutes, sorting through my own, before I stood up.
"I'm going to get a cup of tea," I said. "Do you want anything?"
She shook her head.
I gave a small smile before I went over and picked up the glass, and then went down to the kitchen to get myself a cup of tea and report back to Gina.
Gina was already in the kitchen when I got there.
"I just got her to drink a milkshake," I said.
Gina turned to me and looked at the empty glass. "She just drank all that?"
I smiled. "Yep." I put the empty glass down triumphantly on the side, before I boiled a kettle. "Do you want one?"
"No thanks," said Gina. "And I'm surprised you do this soon after lunch."
"I made an excuse to put the glass away," I explained. "I didn't want her to have to have it on her desk, or put it away herself."
Gina gave me a smile.
I made my cup of tea, and grabbed some biscuits, before I made my way back to the office.
Tracy was still there when I got back. She turned to me as I entered the room, and as I passed her with the biscuits, her stomach rumbled.
I gave her a small smile. "Want one?"
Tracy hesitated for a moment. I picked up one of the smaller, less daunting biscuits, and put it on the desk next to her.
"You don't have to have it, I just need to get on so it's there if you want it," I said. I watched as Tracy was about to refuse the biscuit, but guessed that she might refuse it when offered but actually want it later. I went over to my desk and got engrossed in my paperwork.
Sure enough though, when Tracy left to go to the bathroom, the biscuit was gone.
Unfortunately, that was just the first of my battles.
Tracy was eating, well, sort of. She had something in her anyway.
But nothing prepared me for her reaction when the kids started yelling.
I expected her to shout at them to be quiet, or in her current state to revert back to her child self and yell back at them until her throat hurt.
I didn't expect her to give up.
I followed her as she went to sort out the arguing, just being cautious, making sure she was OK.
I was right to.
Rather than telling them to be quiet, rather than yelling back, Tracy did something I'd never seen her do before.
Something that, to be honest, shocked me.
She sank to the ground, tears rolling down her cheeks, quietly murmuring something to herself.
"Please stop, please stop, please stop."
"Kids!" I took it upon myself to stop the noise. "Stop!"
I noticed as Tracy tried to shakily get up, and quickly knelt by her side.
"No no no, stay there. Stay there, Trace," I said softly. "It's OK. It's alright." I paused as I hugged Tracy and she hugged me back tight. "I know. I know. It's OK." I paused again. "I'm here."
By this point all the kids were staring, probably as shocked as I was at Tracy's reaction. They'd probably never seen her cry, and now she was sobbing, unable to do anything else.
"Kids," I said gently. "Could you possibly give us a minute?" I paused. "Actually, could you give us as long as Tracy needs, and could one of you go and tell Gina what's happened as well, please?"
As the kids nodded and left, I turned my attention back to Tracy. She was still sobbing, and as I held her tight I wished I could take it all away from her.
"Trace," I said gently. "Do you want to go on the sofa?"
Tracy gave me a weak nod.
I gave her a small smile before we stood up and moved the few feet to the sofa, before Tracy lay down and I knelt next to her, not wanting to sit on the other sofa as she needed my support.
I watched as Tracy cried, tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the sofa below, and wished there was something I could do.
It wasn't fair. She'd suffered enough today as it was.
Although, with a heavy heart, I noted it probably wasn't just today.
Her usually silky hair was unwashed and tangled (and although it looked like she had brushed it that morning, it looked like it hadn't been washed for days, which was probably resulting in more tangles), her makeup nonexistent (something I now realised had been the case for the last few days, maybe even week), and her clothes creased (and, if my memory was correct, were the same clothes she'd worn yesterday, and the day before).
"Trace," I said gently. "What's going on?"
I wasn't really expecting and answer, and at first I didn't get one.
I gently ran my fingers through her hair, noticing how greasy it was, but said nothing to spare her the worry.
Besides, she probably already knew anyway.
"I don't know."
"What do you mean?" I asked gently.
"I don't know what's going on," said Tracy, more tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just, I just feel like rubbish. And I can't do anything to stop it."
Gina was right.
"Is that why you haven't been looking after yourself?" I asked, keeping my voice soft.
She nodded. "I just don't care anymore."
"About anything?" I asked.
She nodded. "Like, this morning with my jacket, I realised I didn't have it as soon as I locked the door, but I figured I'd rather be cold than have to go back and get it."
I felt my heart crack. Poor, poor Tracy.
"Has anything actually happened?" I asked, wondering if there was a reason for all of this.
Tracy shook her head. "No," she said, a hint of anger in her voice, "I just feel rubbish!"
I didn't quite know how to respond to Tracy's anger. Usually I'd scold her or the kids if they talked to me like that, but...
"OK," I said. "It's alright. I was only wondering."
Tracy's anger seemed to leave her, and then a fresh wave of tears came.
To be honest, I preferred angry Tracy.
I'd rather have her screaming at me until I got so angry I screamed back then have her like this, feeling sad and empty, feeling nothing and not caring.
But at least I could do something.
I wrapped my arms around her tightly, wanting to do anything I could to help.
I could tell it wasn't working.
"I'm not giving up on you, Tracy," I said. "I'll do anything you want or need to make you happy again."
Tracy remained still and silent.
"Do you know what would make you feel better?" I asked.
Tracy shook her head.
I sighed: it was as I'd predicted.
Tracy sighed. "All my college grades are dropping as well."
My eyes widened. "What?"
"I don't know why, I just can't remember anything anymore, and every little test we have I just can't do, and..."
"It's OK," I said calmly, though my mind was racing. "Have you been going?"
"Mostly," said Tracy. "This past week I haven't, but..."
"We can sort it," I said.
Tracy sighed. "I don't want to go at all though. I mean, I know I need to go, but I just don't want to do anything anymore."
I sighed too. I didn't know what to say. I'd always had Tracy as someone who never gave up, who kept going no matter what happened.
Maybe she'd just been going for so long she couldn't anymore, like a runner trying to keep running without water or food.
That probably wasn't helping either.
"Why haven't you been eating properly?" I asked, changing the subject.
"I don't know," said Tracy. "I just haven't felt like anything. You know like when you feel like eating a pizza or some ice cream or whatever. I don't feel like anything."
I didn't answer for a moment. It was understandable, but made it hard.
I wished I could just take all this from Tracy. Wished I could make her better.
I'd call her college tomorrow and sort out if they could meet with Tracy to discuss how to improve her grades.
That was if I could persuade Tracy to go in.
I'd find a way.
Somehow.