AN: Notice there wasn't a lot of Archer fanfiction and I was bored and recently fell in love with the show. It had started off as a small joke, "What if Archer joined tumblr, how long would he last?" Here's my spin on it. A bit OOC on some parts, but still fun to write.

"It has been drawn to my attention" Malory glared at Krieger, "That while the threat is always lurking on the streets, it is now lurking online."

"On what line?" Carol/Cheryl asked, "The phone line! Why didn't anyone tell me?!" Malory pinched the bridge of her nose and continued to sip on her morning beverage, if the girl wasn't a billionaire she would have fired her long ago. Maybe she would get more death threats and need ISIS' help, anything was possible.

"Online, like computers." Pam reassured her.

"Oh, I was worried." Carol/Cheryl wiped her sweaty brow.

"You mean like cyborgs!" Archer eyed the computer monitor on the desk behind his mother warily. "What did I say? I said the threat was always there, didn't I? Didn't I Lana!?" Lana shook her head and turned to Cyril who in turn shrugged and looked at Krieger.

"You banged a freakin cyborg!" Pam interjected while holding onto her bearclaw closely.

"And he was engaged to it." Cyril added.

"Didn't she leave him for another Cyborg?" Carol/Cheryl added quickly.

"Shut up! Mother, what about this cyborg threat?" Archer quickly turned his attention back to his mother at the dry erase board.

"Yes, as I was saying, the threat is online. While Archer and Lana are away on the Santiago mission, I request that you all sign up for accounts on social network websites."

"You want to pay us to sit and dick around online?" Pam asked, pieces of the bearclaw flew out of her mouth as she spoke.

"Isn't that what I pay you to do already?" Malory retorted bitingly.

"It's my blog, people! Jesus Christ, you would think no one reads the newsletter." The room was deathly silent, "Someone has read it," Lana turned to look out the window, Cyril admired Lana's leg while Archer tried to hold in his laughter. "Gillette!" Ray turned away before Pam stomped out, leaving her bearclaw on the floor.

"Dukes." Ray said to himself.

"That's how you get ants, Pam! That is exactly how you get ants!" Archer yelled out the door behind her. "Yes mother, we'll all sign up for websites."

"Not you, Archer." Malory said before turning, everyone knew that they were dismissed.

"Why not? I've gotten over my fear of cyborgs, sort of." Archer stood up and walked over to his mothers desk.

"It's not a cyborg. It's a computer and-"

"There's a difference suddenly?"

"AND!" she said loudly, "I don't want you having any part of it. You don't know how to keep your mouth shut, you would probably reveal ISIS secrets."

"Mother, don't be so dramatic. Pam has it on her blog that you slept with the Head of the KGB, well the old one anyways." Archer alked over and poured himself a glass.

"What! Why that fat slob will be fired-"

"I was kidding but see how convincing I was. Just imagine me online-"

"No."

"Mother."

"No."

"Come on, mother."

"Yes!" Archer sat on the airplane with a laptop on his lap as he signed up for tumblr.

"Didn't your mother tell you not to do sign up for any social networking websites?" Lana said plainly while looking at her phone.

"Yep."

"Then why are you signed up for Tumblr?"

"Because Lana," Archer said matter of factly, "Woodhouse said I could."

"Woodhouse, since when do you listen to your care provider?"

"I prefer the term, man servant, and I told him to tell me it's OK."

"Woodhouse, mother won't let me sign up for the social networking websites. Even freaking Cyril gets to sign up, Cyril of all people! Tell me that I can sign up."

"But sir, your mother pays my salary."

"You were practically my mother! Tell me it's OK Woodhouse."

"But sir,"

"Woodhouse you are going to eat so many spiderwebs if you don't tell me I can sign up for the social networking websites!" Archer raved at Woodhouse until he gave in, after eating ten large spiderwebs.

"He sort of said it was OK."

"Archer, you're a grown man. This is pathetic." Lana tucked her phone away and folded her arms across her chest

"NO, what's pathetic is the fact is that she let Cyril sign up and even Krieger!"

"Krieger has ten thousand followers already." Lana looked out the windows.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. Mother never lets me have any fun,"

"We're here, mamas boy."

"Archer, did you have to shot the guy in the head?" Lana asked, they had made it to the drop off point. The drug lord in Italy had been shopping casually, and Archer ran right into him.

"I didn't even know it was him, dumb luck?"

"I can only imagine." Lana walked quickly to the jeep. "Where is the map?"

"What map?"

"I gave you the map."

"Lana, did I not tell you to never give me things, now shush I'm downloading the latest app." Archer continued tinkering with his phone while Lana banged her head against the wheel.

"Cyril? Is that internet porn?" Pam walked into his office and looked at his screen.

"No, it's just the people I follow they post so much more porn. Especially this splooshgirl person." Cyril tried to minimize the screen. "It's you! You're splooshpacman"

"Bingo." Pam walked back to the door, "Oh yeah, Kreiger won the bet."

"What bet?" Cyril asked.

"Archer didn't even make it to the Santiago mission before joining."

"So this was a stupid bet?" Cyril looked at his screen and then turned to Pam and frowned.

"Yeah, what else would it be? And here's a copy of the newsletter." Pam tossed a small packet on his desk.

Archer walked cheerfully into ISIS and made his way to Malory's office with Lana walking (or clomping) beside him.

"Mother, mission complete."

"Obviously, Sterling." Malory flipped through a magazine on her desk. "You couldn't even make it twenty four hours without disobeying me."

"I'm a grown man, mother! I have followers, and all three love what I have to-" Archer's phone vibrated in his pocket. "See! I got a question!"

"What does it say?" Lana looked over but Archer moved so she couldn't see it.

"I told you! Lana, this is all your fault!" Archer threw his phone out of his mothers open window, "A stupid bot asked me a question! A cyborg! Dammit Lana." Lana rolled her eyes and walked from the office. "Mother, I am not signing up for any more social networks no matter how much you beg."

"Yes, Sterling, dear." Malory drained the rest of her brown liquor.