So this is my first time writing Star Trek and my first McKirk story. I've been obsessed with it since Into Darkness came out and I finally got around to write something. I changed up the scenes a little bit, added a bit of missing dialogue and things like that, but everything else is the same as in Into Darkness. The title is inspired by the fantastic fanvid !SPOILERS! INTO DARKNESS {McKirk} by RebellaShadow over on Youtube. Go check it out!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek. A fan can dream though... :)
Warnings: Major spoilers for Into Darkness. A few swears...
This is a companion piece to Flesh will Flee, which is from Jim's point of view. They need not be read together.
Leonard hadn't had a chance to take a breather since Admiral Marcus had launched the attack and the patients had started coming in. He'd seen Jim speaking to Khan but he was just going into another surgery and didn't have the time to speak to him. God how he wished he had.
Spock had been the one to inform him of Jim's mad plan to use Khan to infiltrate the enemy ship and take it over from the inside. Bones had very nearly punched the Vulcan for letting the captain to take the mission himself, but he managed to clamp down on the anger. Jim always managed to get himself into trouble and now he wished that he'd been there to talk him out of the nearly suicidal mission.
That had been nearly two hours ago, and though Leonard had briefly seen Jim since then, the only reason Bones wasn't panicking was because of the short comm message he'd recieved from Jim. His fiancé must have done something, because the ship was finally stable and there were no more reports of hull breaches or problems. He'd very nearly lost his last patient because of the jostling.
Scrubbing his hands clean, Leonard picked up his PADD and checked the information for his next patient. Human female with a shattered left leg and multiple burns. He sighed and put on some clean gloves, casting a longing glance towards the coffee machine as he went into surgery.
The operation was more complex than he expected it to be, but in the end they managed to save the science officer's leg. It wasn't perfect, but it was damn well better than having no leg at all. She was now sleeping peacefully, thanks to the milkshake of drugs that was coursing through her system.
Checking vitals one last time, Bones left the surgery scrolling through medical reports and mentally going through an inventory of remaining medication. They were dangerously low on strong painkillers, but they probably had enough to last until they could get planetside.
The first sign that there was anything wrong was the unnatural silence that filled the medbay. Normally there were nurses talking or patients grumbling. There was always something going on, and so the silence was unnerving.
The next was the body bag laying on a stretcher.
The third was the group of people standing around it, every one except Scotty trying not to meet his eyes.
His brain short-circuited.
No.
No, it couldn't...
It wasn't possible.
No.
Not Jim.
Anyone but Jim.
No.
No.
No...
There was a crash beside him. The sound seemed to snap something in him.
"Show me." Nurse Chapel opened her mouth to say something, but closed it just as quickly and just obliged. Her fingers were shaking as she reached for the zip, but Bones didn't care. He needed proof.
The thick fabric of the bag was flipped opened, and Bones saw only the stock of dirty blond hair before he needed to sit down. He didn't though. He needed to be strong. He was a doctor. He saw death everyday. He should be able to take this.
Should.
Someone had had the foresight to close Jim's eyes. Leonard didn't think he'd have been able to keep it together if he had to see those bright blue eye so lifeless. The rest of him was so still. Unmoving.
Bones had never thought that he would see Jim so still. Even when asleep, Jim had always been moving or at least breathing. Now, there was not even a flicker of an eyelid or the gradual rise of his chest.
His legs decided to give way then and he sat down in the nearest chair. He was just so tired.
Sure, he'd been tired before. Going through at least a dozen surguries without a break was exhausting on the best of days and then having the love of your life killed. Love of his life. It was so easy to admit that he was head over heels for James T. Kirk when he was gone. He hadn't truly admitted that he was in love even when Jim had gotten down on one knee last year and actually asked him to marry him.
He'd hidden away all those emotions, terrified that it would all end up like that mess with Jocelyn and his heart didn't want to get hurt again. Now he just wished that he'd insisted on getting married immediately instead of waiting until Joanna could come to the wedding.
The fingers of one hand twisted in his hair while the other fumbled with the engagement ring around his neck, trying to hold on to the one thing that still tied him to Jim. Soon, he would have to move, go through the motions that he normally did when one of the crew died. Except now it wasn't just any member of the crew. This was Jim. The captain of the newest ship in Starfleet.
Bones took a few more breaths, letting the sterilized air into his lungs and blowing it back out again. He looked up at everyone standing by the walls, giving him space. Taking another breath, Bones cleared his throat and asked the questions that he couldn't leave hanging any longer.
"How'd he die?" No one spoke. Something in the doctor snapped and he found himself seeing red and standing. He slammed his fist down on the desk, making everyone jump in surprise.
"Dammit! It's a simple question! I think that out of everyone here , I have the most right to know!" Something made him pause, and he took another look around.
"Where's Spock?" The crew looked towards Scotty. The Scotsman cleared his throat, but otherwise didn't say anything. Realization hit the doctor and his jaw clenched. If Spock was already going after Khan, before Bones himself had even been informed, then Spock must have been there. Been there when Kirk died and been unable to stop it.
"I'll repeat it once more and I want an answer. How did he die and where is that bloody hobgoblin!"
"The warp core housings were misaligned and... And he went in. I don't remember much, he knocked me out before going in. I woke up and he was crawling towards the door. He told me to call Spock and so..."
"Stop right there." The engineer closed his mouth with an audible clank of teeth. Bones ran a hand through his hair. Jim had known he was dying and yet he'd asked for his First Officer instead of the man he'd promise to spend the rest of his life with. Leonard immediately stopped thinking about those thoughts. It wasn't going to do him any good to blame Spock or Jim. Right now he wanted to rip Khan into the smallest possible pieces and burn them while he danced around the flames.
There was a soft purr from beside him
He wanted to feel the life slowly leave the superhuman's body, his Hippocratic Oath be damned. He wanted to watch those eyes close for the last time. Have the blood stream out of arteries and veins in rivers and know that he'd avenged Jim's death.
There was a soft purr from beside him.
Maybe he'd torture the man before killing him, but even in his shocked state he realized that that was something that Jim wouldn't want him to do. His Jim wouldn't want him to become a pyschopath. He'd have to settle with just a couple well-placed phaser shots.
There was a soft purr from beside him.
Wait.
Bones opened his eyes and lifted his head enough to see the brown ball of fluff move and purr again. The tribble was alive. The tribble wasn't supposed to be alive.
Suddenly, everything made sense. The miracle recovery in London. The way Khan's blood cells reproduced so fast. Why he seemed to heal so much faster than anyone else he'd ever seen.
Bones switched over to Dr. McCoy with little hesitation. The man who'd lost everything just minutes before, changed to the man that had the faintest hope of getting it back. A man who'd fight through anything to get it.
He was calling for medical supplies, a cryotube, more of Khan's blood. Yelling out orders this way and that. Dr. Marcus was helping him as much as she could with her broken leg, but in the end it was Bones who put Jim in the cryotube. He hesitated briefly before leaning down to kiss his fiancé on the forehead. He stood back up and switched back into doctor mode.
The next few days passed by in a blur of of hope, red blood, bourbon and no sleep. Leonard was so focused on developing a serum from Khan's blood that he barely noticed it when he'd made it. When those sleepless nights had finally paid off. Christine had had to point it out to him after he'd stared at it for several long minutes trying to figure out if it was right.
Then his head nurse had taken it upon herself to stab him with a sedative filed hypospray and send him into a fourteen hour sleep.
When he finally woke up, he panicked, thinking that without him there, Jim would have passed the point of no return and that Bones would be left all alone for a second time. The note on the door stopped him.
Len. Don't get up please. I know you want to be with Kirk, but just take a little time for yourself. Please, Len. The doctors have been using the serum you developed and it's worked. He's alive but unconcious. They suspect that he'll be out for another week or two at least so just take it easy. Please.
Christine (9:40am)
Bones checked his watch and noted that she'd left the note about two hours ago. Sighing, Leonard decided to actually do what she'd asked. Everything that he'd been keeping bottled up came to the surface. It was only now that what had happened caught up to him. Leonard hadn't let himself cry since that moment where the fabric had been pulled away, revealing Jim's face. Even as shocked as he'd been he couldn't let it show how much he was affected when there were patients around.
Now though, in the privacy of someone's office that had turned into his, Bones let the last of his shields down. He didn't cry, but he finally let himself deal with all the emotions that had been coursing through his mind since the body bag had been wheeled into the Sickbay on the Enterprise almost a week ago.
A part of him wanted to see Jim, hold his hand and reassure him that everything was going to be alright, that he was here for him. The other part of him wanted Jim to know what it was like for the people he'd left behind. Granted, it was a small part of him, but it still had a loud voice inside his head. It was telling him to let Jim wake up alone and give him just a taste of the pain he'd caused his fiancé. But he just couldn't do that, so he got up, showered with actual water, shaved, changed his clothes and went to see Jim.
The doctors let him in without question, probably forewarned not to get in the way. There was a machine beeping away in the corner, monitoring vitals and all the important things. There was a chair already there by the side of the bed and Bones collapsed into it and gently reached for Jim's hand, entwining there fingers.
He stayed there for hours, waiting for Jim to open up those beautiful blue eyes.
By the third day of waiting, the doctors allowed him to take over the treatment, finally giving him something to do. It kept him busy at least. Bones knew that Jim wasn't out of the woods yet. There were still so many things that cold go wrong. His body could have a delayed allergic reaction to the medication, or he could just give up. Leonard tried not to get his hopes up too much.
He talked to Jim while he worked. He changed the sheets and tucked the man in like a child. He'd even shaved him, knowing that Jim hated having a beard. He did all he could do to keep his mind away from the place that held the memories of that day. That nightmare.
Crew members came by often, but didn't stay long. They probably realized that the doctor would gladly sedate them and drag them out if they over stayed their welcome by even a second. Spock was the one that came by the most often. He came in for maybe ten minutes twice a day, just to make sure that Kirk was still alive.
Bones ignored the Vulcan on these visits, still wounded by the fact that Jim had asked for the science officer instead of him.
Scotty was the one that made sure to visit once a day when he wasn't busy with the repairs being carried out on the Enterprise. The engineer would talk to Jim about the changes they were making and how the modifications would greatly improve performance.
Uhura had come by a couple times with Spock, but had that had mainly been to ask Bones how he was doing and to lend an ear if necessary.
Chekov and Sulu had both come at the same time when they'd come. Even grouchy old McCoy couldn't help the faint quirk of his lips in the direction of what was probably the cutest couple on the Enterprise even if it hurt to see them together. It reminded him too much about how he'd felt around Jim. Just seeing the look of complete adoration that Chekov would send Sulu and the gentleness that the pilot would return, hit him worse than a punch to the gut.
When they were leaving, the doctor had pulled the Japanese-American into one of the empty rooms where they could see both the unconcious captain and the curly haired ensign.
"Take care of him, Sulu. Don't lose him."
"I won't doctor."
They'd parted ways with only a brief nod from both of them.
The day Jim woke up was the best day of his life. He'd panicked when Spock had first called him into the room, the only thoughts running through his mind were ones of possible complications. When he'd realized that Jim was actually waking up, Leonard switched into doctor mode, pushing Spock to the back of the room and grabbing a tricorder as...
Jim's eyes were open.
The momentary hesitation at finally seeing Jim alive, changed into the relief that he hadn't let himself feel.
His mouth was moving and there were words coming out, but Bones didn't really know what he was saying. It wasn't what he wanted to say anyway, not with Spock hovering behind him. He was resorting to the tried and true method of snark and sarcasm.
When he'd gotten a few answers, Bones quickly brought Spock into the conversation so that the Vulcan could saw his piece and leave. He tried not to let it show how much it hurt when Jim thanked Spock for saving his life.
When Spock left, Bones kept his back to Jim. He didn't know why, but he didn't want to speak to Jim about what had happened. He felt that if he got started, he would never stop. He would go on and on, ranting at a man who had only just regained consciousness.
"Bones..."
"Yes Jim." He tried to sound casual, but he knew that Jim could pick up on his stress.
"C'mere."
Leonard sighed, but walked over to the bed. Jim lifted a hand of the blankets and spread it out palm up for Bones to take. He did, curling his fingers around Jim's suddenly warm skin.
That was the last straw. The realization that Jim was here, that he was alive and going to be fine. That his skin was warm to the touch and that he had a pulse that Bones could feel with his fingers.
A hand was rubbing against his cheek and Bones realized that he'd begun to cry. He shook away Jim's hand and rubbed at his eyes, drying them roughly with his sleeve. Jim was looking at him with a worried expression on his face, probably waiting for an explination as to the unexpected emotional outburst from a man who was supposed to have only two emotions. Grumpy or downright pissed.
"I wanted you there you know, I really did. But I didn't want to die with you there but unable to touch you. I was selfish Bones." Nothing more was said between them for at least ten minutes as Bones rolled the words over and over in his mind.
He understood. He really did and Bones could see why Jim would ask for a man with no emotions to be there when he died. It was probably easier to know that a friend was mourning you, than having proof that your lover was brokenhearted.
Kicking off his shoes, Bones lifted Jim up and then put him down so that there was a little more room in the bed. He climbed on top of the blankets and buried his face in the crook of Jim's neck, breathing in a scent that was purely Jim. A hand came up to his head and began to gently card through his hair.
"Don't ever do that to me again." Bones mumbled, unsure if Jim could hear him.
"Never Bones. Never."
Please let me know what you thought of it. I'd love to know how I did with my first Star Trek fanfic.
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