I had the idea of this one-shot for a while, but it was on a plane that the words were begging to be released and I ended up typing 500+ words on the notebook app of my ipod. And this is now the fastest I've posted a one-shot since editing. I hope you like it and would love to hear your thoughts. My OTP is James and Lily, so enjoy!
In the Moment Before You Sink or Soar
"Mischief managed," James whispered to the map. He stuffed it into his back pocket as the ink faded. He had found what he was looking for and no longer needed the floating banner to show him the location of the object of his search.
There, standing in the middle of the covered bridge, staring into the rocky canyon, was Lily Evans. She was leaning over the edge of the siding to the point where it looked like she might fall into the abyss below. But James knew better. To her, it felt like she was on the edge of something great, the moment before sinking or soaring. It was the moment, as she described, where "anything and everything was possible".
James took a couple of deep breathes, trying to summon that same feeling of doomed optimism from within himself. He held onto the what little fleeting feeling he could muster as he approached her. With every step, her beauty and grace struck him like he was seeing her for the first time. But it was not the first time, possibly the last, which reminded him of just how important this conversation was. He would never forgive himself if he did not at least try.
He could see her perfectly. It was almost a full moon and the whole castle grounds were illuminated in the soft glow of the magic kissed night. The moonlight shown in her vibrant red hair, making it gleam like the stars had become embedded in every strand. The breeze from the gorge ruffled her fiery locks to make it appear like the Milky Way was present on earth instead of the cosmos.
For certain she was soaring.
James was now close enough to take his own leap of faith.
"Lily?" He didn't want to startle her, thus making her tumble over the edge. She dangled for a moment more before hauling herself back over the railing, which she had had nearly all her weight supported on. With both feet planted firmly on the wooden planks, she turned to face him.
"James." She responded, not with surprise, but with more of a sigh of sadness.
"Please, I just have to…" James started to say. He had rehearsed in the halls all the way to the bridge, following her footsteps on the map, and yet he still felt like he was flying by the edge of his cloak.
A warm wind blew a few strands of her hair across her face, intensifying the look her emerald eyes were already fixing on him. "No James," Lily interrupted, "we've been over this a thousand times and we leave in just a couple days. Why can't we let lying dragons lie?"
It was true, the end of the term had come. There was one more N.E.W.T. to be taken, neither which James or Lily were enrolled in. Instead, seventh years like them had been spending the past week packing, playing chess, relaxing by the lake… and being both terrified and devoted to reading The Daily Prophet. Each day brought more news of the wizarding war being waged outside the walls of Hogwarts.
While being inspired to join the cause after commencement, James was also secretly thankful for the last few days of blissful safety. It had escalated to the point where even pure bloods who sympathized with the persecuted were no longer safe. Knowing full well this was the category he fell in and that some people would label him with the foul name of 'blood traitor', James wore his label with pride. Of course, it was far worse for those with any Muggle heritages, most of all Muggle-borns. Which was the category the person he was confronting fell into. Muggle-borns, like the one standing in front of him, were the ones in the most danger. Both persons standing on the bridge knew that.
In fact, it was the underlying issue that started their whole row. After a solid week of deaths in Muggle London, caused by dark magic, were the families and loved-ones of Muggle-borns, Lily had made her decision. The one James wanted to convince her to give up.
By this point, Lily was attempting to move past him and return to the castle. He caught the crux of her elbow and still facing forward, he spoke, "I know. Do you think I've been able to think about anything else besides the ticking clock of when we leave? About how much less time there is? But please, ten minutes, Lily. After that, I promise you won't ever have to speak to me again."
Lily was frozen in place. Chills had run through her arms from the place James had made contact with her bare skin, just like they always did. Not even the summer air could soothe the goosebumps appearing on her arm. She took another deep breath, and whispered under her breath, "It's not that I don't want to talk, it's just that it's so hard."
"Ten minutes," James pleaded.
He felt her weight shift and she turned to face him. He pivoted as well and met those green eyes once more. Having moved from the edge, Lily's face was cast in shadows. A slight fear was present in her eyes, the moonlight's absence taking all the hopeless confidence from her persona. James couldn't tell if the fear was due to him in the moment or the fast approaching future. After an instant's hesitation, Lily gave a curt nod.
He turned forward again and started heading towards the opposite end of the bridge. He felt her familiar cadence fall into step with him. How many times had they walked side by side while on patrol? How many times did he swing his arm in hope of brushing his knuckles with hers? How many times had they dragged each other around corners by their clasped hands to escape prying eyes for the thrill of secrecy?
But now James walked with his hands thrusted deep into his pockets. His mind was not focusing on the destination, but was not at all surprised to find his feet taking him on the familiar path to the Quidditch pitch.
Their silence continued until they were approximately half way to the stadium, its silhouette visible in front of the moon's reflection over the Black Lake. There James stopped, causing the slightly startled halt of Lily. She raised her eyebrow, begging the unspoken question if this was it. Were they just going on a walk?
James hesitated for a couple moments more, just staring into the night. But before he could start on the mini-speech he had prepared, Lily quipped, "Seven minutes."
James let out a short puff of air through his nose, shaking his head. "Will you give is a rest Evans, I've got something to say."
"Oh, Evans, is it?"
James lifted his head to see the slight smirk playing on her lips.
"Lily," he corrected. Though he had still called her Evans when they became friends, they had agreed to use first names when they were discussing serious issues. And this was one of those times. The heaviness of it was practically tangible in James' stomach.
Due to Lily's eye contact being too much in the moment, James turned back to the view. An owl swooped over the lake on its way to the Owlery, looking for haven after a long flight. Ripples appeared in the middle of the lake, giving evidence of the creatures that rested below. James took a deep breath, he could still feel her eyes on his head. Unconsciously, he ran his fingers through his dark locks. That earned him a chuckle from behind.
"Honestly, James, please just speak." Lily stated with the same amount of lightheartedness and hesitance present in her voice.
Spinning around on account of her urging, James began with words nowhere neared the rehearsed declaration he was planning, "You know the Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson a while back? The one about the Patronus charm?"
Now Lily was looking at him with some concern in her eyes, like he had just dived off the deep end, but James plunged ahead anyway.
"Of course, you know, you were there. Brilliant. Anyway, we were tasked with practicing the spell, right? Because it's very difficult magic, I mean, not really difficult because you were able to get some silver wisps on the third try." Another raised eyebrow from the red-head. "I was watching and you knew I was, don't deny it."
Here James paused to catch his breath. He hadn't realized that he had said that all in one exhale. In the momentary gap Lily reassured him.
"No, you're right it is a difficult charm. Considered by some wizards to be the most difficult defensive charm ever. Only a fifth of us, possibly, was supposed to succeed in class. And even then, everyone needs practice."
"Exactly. Anyway, there are the levels as the professor was saying," James continued.
Lily nodded, "Incorporeal and corporeal."
"Right, you know, duh. Well, I don't know if you were watching me. I mean, probably not, which is completely reasonable. I understand, but if you were… or weren't… or," James stopped again because he realized he was stuttering out almost only nonsense. He started again, surer of his words. "My point is, that in class I was part of the fifth, as you called it, and could produce an incorporeal Patronus by the end of the period."
Lily broke the eye contact, looking down at her feet. "For what it's worth, I was watching."
James couldn't help but let a short smile cross his face, "Brilliant, well, I was struggling and looked over at Pete who has laughing at something dumb Sirius said and Remus had the glint in his eye that lets you know he was laughing on the inside, and well, yeah." James chuckled at the memory.
After finishing his story, James saw what appeared to be a strained smile on Lily's face. "That's great for you James, really, I'm happy for you. You're going to need it outside these walls." She looked like she was making to leave.
"Thanks, but it's not as good as a corporeal one, you know."
She paused, letting out a sigh upon realizing they weren't done talking. Which made sense, but Lily just had the urge to put as much space between her and James because then no one could get hurt. "Of course," she agreed.
"And I'm sure you know the list of people who can produce a corporeal one is even shorter. A couple Ravenclaws, Amos from Hufflepuff and Longbottom of course, brilliant bastard."
Lily grinned at the recollection. There had been a group of them studying down by the lake when it just happened. One moment Frank was waving his wand around in frustration and the next a silver lion burst forth, prancing around the group. It was a sight to behold. "Yeah, a lion, it was fitting."
"Exactly, you know they say your Patronus gives an indication of what you're like on the inside? Naturally, Longbottom shows he's a Gryffindor through and through," James added, "both the courage and strength."
"Is there a point to this?"
James shook his head slightly, getting himself back on track. "Of course. As you are aware, I'm highly competitive and when Longbottom could, I threw myself into trying. There were so many good moments to choose from with the lads, pranks and explorations and such. But none of them worked. None of them truly and utterly filled me with the happiness needed to produce a corporeal Patronus."
Lily was looking at him again, an unreadable expression in her eyes. If James had to try to name it, it was confusion, laced with… anticipation?
"And?" she questioned.
"And, then I found one. A memory that filled me with so much hope it couldn't help but burst forth in the form of a silvery Patronus." James paused to look deep into her eyes, answering the question he knew she was about to ask, "I thought about you, about us, about how I lo…"
"No!" Lily burst out, throwing her hand over James' mouth to stop him from saying the next words.
James was thrown by her reaction and did not have the reflexes to stop her from moving past him, rushing back towards the castle, muttering "No" over and over again. Regaining his senses, James sprinted to catch the fleeing red-head.
"Lily," he called, grabbing onto her shoulder.
"You have NO RIGHT!" Lily yelled, whipping around at the contact, suddenly having her wand pointed right at James.
"Woah, Lily, calm down." James tried to back-peddle.
"You have no right to say something like that. After we agreed to let the matter drop, to live our own lives and call it that." There were tears in the corners of her eyes.
Not having seen her wet eyes, James pulled his own wand from his pocket. He was starting to get annoyed with the reaction he was receiving for the declaration he had been agonizing over for weeks. "I never agreed to any of that! That was all you, two months ago when you called it quits. I never had a choice, because if I did, I would not have chosen THIS!"
At the end of his rant when the rage had cleared from his eyes, James looked up to see that Lily had stopped pointing her wand and had her head turned in a stand-still flinch. A single tear rolled from her eye and down her cheek. James reached out and cupped her face, slowly turning it back to him. There the pair stood face to face in silence until Lily found the words to speak.
"James, I did it for us. You saw the news, you saw how all Muggle-borns and their loved ones are being hunted down. It will not be safe for me outside of Hogwarts, you know that, and I can't have you by my side if they find me."
"And why's that?" James asked, his hands shaking with emotion but his eyes wild with passion. He had heard this speech before, two months ago in the halls. He had stood speechless as Lily intended to give him a final kiss goodbye and break up in order to keep him safe. Never mind the seven months of relationship they had and the fact she was the only girl to meet his parents. Never mind all the plans they had for after graduation and that he had asked his mother for the family ring. Never mind the fact that he had been in love with her since his fourth year and they had finally become a couple and he was the happiest he had ever been.
No, never mind all that. Lily broke up with him all the same on that fateful day in April.
"Because you'll be safer if you're not associated with me," Lily whispered as an attempt of a response.
"You know I don't care about any of that." James countered.
Lily paused a moment more. James could now feel her own trembling under his hand where it still rested on her cheek. She had her eyes squeezed shut, like she didn't want to let out whatever she was about to say.
Suddenly her eyes flew open and James gazed into two brilliantly lit green orbs. There was something dark hidden in them.
"Because if I was the reason you died, I couldn't live with myself. At least that's what I told myself at first. But in this time apart, I learned something about us." She paused, studying his reaction before continuing, "I figured out that never belonged together in the first place. It was a miracle we were ever civil to each other and as a result we mistook it for a relationship, even affection. Whatever is between us, it is nothing."
Lily's speech was a new one and being unready for it, every word smacked James in the gut until all he could mutter was one last single question, "You don't really mean that, do you?"
Her eyes were squeezed shut again as she prepared for the answer. They opened and Lily spoke two simple words that would have shattered James' heart for good if not for a flicker in her eyes. As she spoke the damning words of "I do," intended to drive James from her life, he saw her tell that she was lying. That give-away in the eye and slight scrunch of the nose indicated Lily's words were those of fiction.
Only he failed to miss the part where Lily smacked his hand away, causing him to stumble back on the hill. And in that time, Lily started to flee again to the castle, successfully putting a great distance between the two of them.
Having recovered from his trip, "You're lying!" James called after her. "I know you are! And that we belong together! Lily, stop!" But she continued her climb.
"Stop!" James shouted again to no avail. Finally, knowing that he alone could never close the gap between them, he lifted his wand yelled, "Expecto Patronum!"
Instantly, silver wisps of air burst forth from his wand and twisted together to form a glowing whiteish stag that galloped towards Lily. It soared through the air of the speed of the wind, cutting Lily off and causing her to stop in shock. James' Patronus stag continued to trot around the frozen red-head, strutting its large rack with pride.
James worked to catch his breath from the powerful spell he had cast and was just as dazed to see Lily's reaction to his Patronus as Lily was to see it herself. Slowly she turned to face James, still several meters down the hill, a completely changed look on her face. The calm was almost unsettling in comparison to the yelling that had been happening moments before.
"Your Patronus is a stag?" He heard her ask as he attempted to close the gap between them.
The animal in question happily glided towards him, circling him before going back to Lily. It was effectively corralling them like some sheep dog. As James neared the still frozen Lily, he could not figure out the reason for her reaction.
"Yes, it is. I've always had a certain affinity for the creature, so I wasn't that surprised. But look, Lilly, and no running away this time, I can cast a corporeal Patronus because of you. You give me the hope and happiness. Even some of our worst moments still fill me with hope because I swear to Merlin I can, and never will, stop loving you."
At the end of his speech, James was standing about an arm's length away from Lily. He watched her eyes dart from him to the Patronus standing nearby and back to him. Her look was almost if she had not been paying attention to his words at all.
"Your Patronus is a stag?" she asked again.
James was slightly taken aback by the question since it was asked a second time, failing to pick up on the subtle notes of disbelief and happiness in Lily's voice. "Yes, I thought that would be sort of obvious…" James stated, stopping mid-sentence as Lily lifted her wand again.
James instinctively tensed for the jinx that would be sent his way, but instead heard the chillingly beautiful utterance, "Expectro Patronum." His eyes were blinded by a glorious silver light as it rushed past him and formed the figure of what looked to be a… deer? James followed the creatures' movement as it trotted towards his own Patronus and nuzzled against its neck. His stag returned the affectionate greeting. With shock and confusion etched onto his face, James turned to face the caster of the second Patronus.
But as his face rotated forward, it was clasped between Lily's two hands as she launched herself into his arms. Wasting no time, she attached her lips to his in the most passionate kiss James ever had and ever would experience. When Lily finally pulled away after several moments of bliss, she had one of the biggest grins on her face.
"Your Patronus is a stag," she whispered in glee.
James' face displayed multiple layers of confusion. Due is part from the yelling to the charm casting to the questions and finally the snogging. It was all a lot to take in. All he could manage was a half-calculated, "Huh?"
"Your Patronus is a stag!" Lily repeated for the fourth time, "And you see, mine is a doe which I never understood until now." She looked briefly at the silvery animals still snuggling each other, then back to James, "I thought it was because I was gentle or something but it makes much more sense after seeing yours!"
Her words were being heard by James, but not entirely processed due to all the excitement of the moment. And the fact his heart was beating like he was in a nose-dive on his broom with no way to stop.
"What are saying?" he asked.
"I'm saying," Lily answered, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer, "that Patronuses are indicative of their caster's inner nature, the true desire of their souls and the fact that our two are coupled together must be far from a coincidence."
The gravity of her implications and what their Patronuses meant finally sunk into James' head. A grin of his own spread across his face as he gazed into Lily's emerald eyes and saw hope, "Some might even say it was fate."
Lily's smile twitched as she closed the gap between their mouths. "Some might say that you can't deny your destiny," she whispered before kissing James again. He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her for the first time in two months and deepened the kiss with absolute certainty that she was his destiny and had no intention of ever denying it.
After several more moments of pure heaven, James pulled away with a look of inquiry on his face. Lily laughed, relishing in the butterflies gathering in her stomach, a feeling she had missed, as she gazed into James' eyes. "What?" she questioned with a small giggle.
He cocked his head and studied her closer. The scrunch in the nose was gone and there was no off gleam in her eye. It was amazing how well they had gotten to know each other. James knew her down to the very last freckled detail. "You really expected me to believe that you thought we didn't belong together?" he questioned.
Lily's smile faltered for a second, remembering that she had attempted to lie to him and had prayed he would over look her tells, which he knew by heart. Only now she was grateful he had chased after her despite the story she had created to drive him away. Grinning again and with a shrug of her shoulders, she replied, "It was worth a shot."
"And what about now? Still believe we don't belong together." James stole another quick kiss.
Stealing a kiss of her own. Lily gestured to the two silvery animals still together but were starting to fade. "Who can deny that we don't?" She mimicked the Patronuses' movements, burying her own head in the niche between James' jaw and shoulder, breathing his scent in deeply.
He took a beat longer to soak in all that she was before turning to the view around them. The stars were going to sleep as the sky lightened in preparation of the rising sun. As much as he wanted to stay and soak in the new day with Lily by his side, James knew it was best they go back inside before they were caught. He had spent many a night outside and knew how critical it was to sneak through the halls before the residents of the castle started to stir.
Grabbing her hand and interlacing their fingers, James nudged Lily to start back up the hill. They walked in silence, savoring each other and the gap, that had been empty for two months, now filled. When they reached the covered bridge again, James felt compelled to say one more truth before the conversation was lost to the reminiscence of yesterday.
"I just wanted to show you that it was you by the way, the memory I think of. All I had to think about to cast a Patronus is you, and all that you are and all that you mean to me."
Lily beamed at him and teased, "Oh, and what is that?"
"That I love you Lily Evans."
It was several more meters down the path before Lily broke their comfortable silence again with a confession of her own. "If it's any conciliation, I think about you when I cast the charm"
Now James had the ridiculously happy grin on his face. "Oh, you do, do you?" James gave her a look characteristic of the Marauder he was, full of mischief and implication.
Breaking their hands to swat his arm, Lily said, "Not like that you dolt." She was laughing, having missed how good it was to laugh with him and continued towards the castle. "It's a good thing I love you," she called over her shoulder.
"What's that?" James asked, bounding to catch her and grabbing onto her shoulders so they faced each other. He wanted to look into her eyes when she said it. They were standing almost where James had spotted her much longer than ten minutes ago.
"I said I love you James Potter."
Not being able to help himself and using the excuse that they were making up for the two months of lost time, James swooped in and kissed Lily. He tried to pour all joy and glee he felt into the kiss, breaking it off momentarily to clarify, "And that we belong together?" She hadn't actually said the words when he asked before.
Lily grinned again, reflecting her own happiness and delight back. She moved her hands from his shoulders to the dark curls on the back of his neck, pulling him into the kiss again, but not before answering. "And that we truly belong together."
James had been right, she had been on the edge of something great when he had found her on the bridge. And in the moment before sinking and soaring, anything and everything had been possible. It had even been possible for a stag and a doe to soar.