Hi, okay so my last fanfiction about Darcy was really weird. Almost all of my reviewers said it was disturbing! They liked it, but it was disturbing. This may also be disturbing...disturbance rocks(...)! It's about Liberty and her eating disrorder. I think that if anyone was going to get an eating disorder, it would have been Liberty, cause she's a total perfectionist. Inspiration for this fanfiction is from my own diary, so the general details about bulimia/anorexia are pretty accurate. The title is something that Liberty feels throughout her disorder. She's close to reaching "perfection", but she'll never reach it. No matter how many pounds she loses, she'll never be thin enough. A note, this story uses the American system of measuring, when needed. I know Canada uses metric (as in kilograms instead of pounds), but I'm not Canadian and I don't feel like converting everything...sorry :(.

October 15, 2006

Breakfast:

Nothing

Lunch:

1 bag of pretzels (140 calories)

Dinner:

Chinese take-out (Not to worry, it's in the toilet now)

Dessert:

peanut butter cup (90 calories)

Other:

brownie (200 calories...it makes me ill to even be writing this)

Total: 330 calories (20 less than yesterday!)

My jeans are a little bit looser today. But a size three is just atrocious, regardless of how tight or loose they are. (a/n: No offense to anyone who is a size three, you guys aren't fat, I just need to demonstrate how anorexia distorts your perception of what is "thin") I jogged for an hour today, I was aiming for two, but I felt like I was going to collapse. How many calories is that? At least 500, which means I'm in negative today. That puts me one step closer to being thin.

I close my food diary and get ready to go to bed. I'm known at Degrassi as the overacheiving perfectionist. I used to take great pride in this, what was wrong with being perfect anyways? That was what I thought, before she realized that I wasn't near perfect.

Perfect people aren't fat. And I, Liberty Van Zandt am. I need to be thin, just as much as I needed to be perfect. So I did what everyone else did when they wanted to be thin: I went on a diet. I started out on a low-carb diet, but the results weren't as fast as I had hoped. I needed instant results, and the best way to do that was not eat. So I didn't.

But Mom had started getting suspicious. Was it possible that I was never hungry at dinner, that I always ate a "big lunch"? I knew Mom would suspect the worst, and say I am "anorexic". (I am not anorexic or bulimic. I'm just on a diet, and I will end this diet as soon as I become thinner.) Anyways,back to my story, I had to show Mom that I didn't have an eating disorder. So I ate as much as normally did, but I normally ate like a pig. So I just went upstairs and got rid of the food. It made me feel happy, superior almost. I could eat as much as I wanted without gaining a pound, meanwhile my peers had to control what they ate, otherwise they's get fat. When I threw up I felt like I was in control, not my father who controlled my parents, who controlled my future, Not J.T., who controlled my feelings, me.

But that was two months ago, before I started throwing up blood. Before I started to faint, due to "stress". Before I'd wake up bloodshot eyes because of the desperate purging I had done the night before. I look like a drug addict. And I am addicted. To food, to purging, to being thin. I know what I do is wrong, but I can't stop. I need to be thinner. No matter how much I feel I'm in control when I throw up, it's not me who's in control...it's anorexia.

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(a/n: I was thinking of making this a one-shot, but I'll make intoa Jiberty fic, yay!)

"Tobes, have you talked to Liberty lately?" J.T. asked in a concerned voice one day at lunch.

"Well, in Student Council, but I get the feeling you're thinking about something else. What do you want to know?" Toby said in an all-knowing voice.

"She just seems, different. She never eats, and if she does it's like, an apple, she always looks tired. She's lost a lot of weight, too. And she lost that...glow she used to have," J.T. explained.

"Glow?" Toby questioned before grin spread across his face.

"You know what I mean! She's just not the same anymore."

"Okay, well, what do you think is wrong with her?"

"I don't know, I barely talk to her now. That's why I asked you, you guys are friends right?" J.T. reasoned.

"Yeah, but, it's mostly on a school basis,"

"Oh..." J.T. uttered.

"Yeah, well, I have a Student Council meeting in a few minutes, so I'll see you later," Toby rushed off, rolling his eyes. Why couldn't J.T. just break up with Mia and admit his feelings for Liberty?

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Liberty Van Zandt was in a rush to get home, such a rush, she forgot one of her most private possesions in the crowded Degrassi hallways.

"Liberty, you forgot something!" J.T. called. But Liberty was already halfway down the noisy hall, unable to hear J.T..

J.T. felt the inclination to look through the marble notebook. After all, it was probably just a notebook for school. He opened the book and began to look through it. It seemed to be a food diary. But unlike mst food diaries, this one was almost blank. When he read the notes Liberty had written in the margins, he realized that whatever Liberty did eat she "got rid of". It scared him, that Liberty had been doing this on and off for two months. If anything happened to her...he didn't want to imagine that. He knew he needed to help her before it got to that point. But how would he approach Liberty about this?

Dun, dun, dun! So, yeah, review! Public Service Announcement: Eating disorders are bad...so stay away...

Mina