Complete And Utter Nonsense
Rating: K+
Summary: Raito can do anything better than L...this fic is on CRACK, HEROINE, LSD and every other thing that kills brain cells. But I think it's funny.
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L glared at Raito heatedly, his wide, fierce eyes piercing the living man. He'd been killed not too long ago, and now he was an angel, come to show Raito that he was better than him, once and for all. Raito walked into his room and stared in shock at the apparition in front of him, and was no less flabbergasted when the man began to sing.
L:
Anything you can do,
I can do better!
Raito:
I can do anything
Better than you!
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can.
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can.
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!
They glared at each other for another long moment, Raito's dark eyes clashing with the dead Detective's quite harshly. He picked up his Death Note and turned, starting to walk down the hall, and L followed, floating. Raito turned to look at the older man as he strolled, holding the Death Note tauntingly in his fingers.
Raito:
Anything you can be
I can be greater.
L:
Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you.
L:
No, you're not.
Raito:
Yes, I am..
L:
No, you're not.
Raito:
Yes, I am..
L:
No, you're NOT!
Raito:
Yes, I am,
Yes, I am!
They walked over to the dartboard that hung in the living room, and L saw his picture was hanging in the center. Raito picked up and dart, and began to sing again, throwing the dart and hitting the photo of L in the forehead.
Raito:
I can shoot a partridge
With a single cartridge.
L then grabbed a dart as well and threw it too, only at a picture of Raito in a frame, with Misa beside him. It hit the picture Raito in the heart.
L:
I can get a sparrow
With a bow and arrow.
Raito:
I can live on bread and cheese.
L:
And only on that?
Raito (smugly):
Yes.
L:
So can a rat!
Raito:
Any note you can reach
I can go higher.
L:
I can sing anything
Higher than you.
Raito:
No, you can't. (High)
L:
Yes, I can. (Higher)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Higher)
L:
Yes, I can. (Higher)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Higher)
L:
Yes, I can. (Higher)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Higher)
L:
Yes, I CAN! (Highest)
Raito picked up a box that held his newest meaningless present for Misa and showed L the gorgeous diamond necklace within arrogantly.
Raito:
Anything you can buy
I can buy cheaper.
L:
I can buy anything
Cheaper than you.
Raito:
Fifty cents?
L:
Forty cents!
Raito:
Thirty cents?
L:
Twenty cents!
Raito:
No, you can't!
L:
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!
Raito put the necklace away and turned back to L quickly, hovering over the hunched angel in a way he hope was intimidating.
Raito:
Anything you can say
I can say softer.
L:
I can say anything
Softer than you.
Raito:
No, you can't. (Softly)
L:
Yes, I can. (Softer)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Softer)
L:
Yes, I can. (Softer)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Softer)
L:
Yes, I can. (Softer)
Raito:
YES, I CAN! (Full volume)
Raito reached into the cabinet and pulled out a large bottle of Vodka, threw his head back and took a large gulp, before coming back up and singing once more.
Raito:
I can drink my liquor
Faster than a flicker.
L(taking a drink):
I can drink it quicker
And get even sicker!
Raito:
I can open any safe.
L:
Without being' caught?
Raito(smirking):
Sure.
L:
That's what I thought--
you crook!
Raito glared and put the bottle of Vodka back in the cabinet and L kept on.
L:
Any note you can hold
I can hold longer.
Raito:
I can hold any note
Longer than you.
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can
L:
No, you can't.
Raito:
Yes, I can!
L:
Yes, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I C-A-A-A-A-A-N!
Raito:
No, you C-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-N'T--
CA-A-A-A-N! (Cough, cough!)
Yes, you ca-a-a-an!
Raito gestured to his Armani suit and strutted confidently.
Raito:
Anything you can wear
I can wear better.
L:
In what you wear
I'd look better than you.
Raito:
In my coat?
L:
In your vest!
Raito:
In my shoes?
L(making a face at the thought of wearing shoes):
In your hat!
Raito:
No, you can't!
L:
Yes, I can
Yes, I CAN!
Raito (explaining):
No, really, L. You can't.
L(sighing):
….Okay, you got me there.
There was a small pause, an then;
Raito:
Anything you say
I can say faster.
L:
I can say anything
Faster than you.
Raito:
No, you can't. (Fast)
L:
Yes, I can. (Faster)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Faster)
L:
Yes, I can. (Faster)
Raito:
Noyoucan't! (Faster)
L:
YesIcan! (Fastest)
Raito glared, and L smiled superiorly, and started again.
L:
I can knit a sweater.
Raito:
I can fill it better!
I can do most anything!
L:
Can you bake a pie?
Raito:
…No.
L:
…Neither can I.
They looked sheepishly at each other.
Raito:
Anything you can sing
I can sing sweeter.
L:
I can sing anything
Sweeter than you.
Raito:
No, you can't. (Sweetly)
L:
Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Sweeter)
L:
Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Raito:
No, you can't. (Sweeter)
L:
Yes, I can. (Sweeter)
Raito:
No, you can't, can't, can't (sweeter)
L:
Yes, I can, can, can (Sugary)
Yes, I can!
Raito:
No, you can't!
By now they were nose-to-nose, snarling and spitting in each other's faces. L stepped back after a long minute and just smiled, lifting a thumb to his mouth.
L:
Actually, Raito, do you remember my death? It was friggin awesome. You don't get much more dramatic and suspenseful than that. My fans cried.
Raito blinked and gasped.
Raito:
Oh my Kira, you're right! I must outdo the excellence of your death!
Raito grabbed a knife from the drawer and held it up, creating apprehension and the air of tragedy before plunging it deep within his heart. A few moments and liters of blood later, Raito's spirit was standing next to L's, quite conceitedly.
Raito:
It doesn't get much more tragic and melodramatic than suicide, L. Admit it, I won!
L (staring):
Yes, Raito. You win.
Raito walked away, content with his victory.
L(sniggering evilly):
Well, that went according to plan….
I hope no one's had this idea before, and if they have, oh well. This was just for my amusement, and hopefully yours. I understand there if complete and utter OOCness but, eh, it's just a 'for fun' thing.
M'kay, Please review!
Nilah