Forward Dedications:

In the here and now of this-moment-ness, I can honesty say that these ficlets were created with the best of intentions, and will, hopefully, not cause permanent brain damage to any courageous enough to brave them. Most of my humorous endeavors end precisely where they began, badly, and I've zigged and zagged my way through (or been beaned with) more than my share of impromptu projectiles. ("One more pun... just one more more, and I won't be held responsible for whatever bodily harm I attempt.") Be warned.

The first section was lovingly created for someone I care a great deal for, when they were feeling down – and they were generous enough to suggest it share-worthy, and donated their time to its improvement. For that, and many other reasons – I offer my deepest appreciation to Nocturne – they for whom the humor tolls.

The last two sections were my way of continuing my game of tag with a beloved friend (bounce bounce bounce, pounce, TAG!, giggle, RUN AWAY!) – affectionately crafted to ease and lighten their mood in a similar (though more playful) fashion. Reprinted here with Hoppy-chan's consent (a present belongs to its owner), thus am I able to share another form of my ever-varied humor.

And, should I be lucky enough to evoke a chuckle, crinkle the side of another's eyes, lift the corner of their lip in ghostly appreciation, truly have I succeeded in my intent. I live to amuse, bemused by others.

::coughs:: Mmmm, there is another, less selfless aim in posting this foray into crack-dom (by hook or by crook). I continue my efforts on the next chapter of If There Be Thorns, and will, with muse's grace, be able to share this belabored love with everyone on a special day, very very soon. That is my fondest wish – a gift to all, so kind and generous with their praise, on this most auspicious of days. To prove my heart is where it was, and I haven't forsaken either our vision, nor the reader's boons so graciously bestowed upon me.

So – as I'm the selfish sort, and thrive and bask and sun myself in your well wishes – consider this a bantered bribe, a shameless plug. ('My what big a big tongue you have on that grin, Ms. Author.' 'All the better to slobbering profess my idiocy with, my dear.') Proof, perhaps, that concern concerning my demise, (that fading away into fictoral malcontent – leaving both writer and reader stranded in skivvies-clad consternation, wondering where that dog got off to with their homework), was a tad premature; that your faith, thus entrusted to my keeping, wasn't entirely misplaced.

I remind you that I am here – that I haven't forgotten (and hopefully haven't been forgotten, so lengthy a sojourn have I cowered within) why I began, why I curtsy-bowed and bid you accept my hand, nor how grateful I am that this invitation was accepted. I am nothing – neither creator, nor artist, nor scoundrel magician – without the affectioned support of those I tempt. ::bows:: Thank you.

III

II

I

Mission start!

A brief mental image as I work on other writings:

Tate turns to Mai with a smile and leans forward to claim their first kiss (having been stymied at every prior attempt by the appearance of a certain octopus haired girl). Mai, discerning his intent, instantly whips the script up between them, saying. "Umm... no."

Tate brows furrowed folds arms across his chest and demands to know why.

Mai rolls her eyes. "Mou, I shouldn't have to explain! Figure it out for yourself, harem boy."

Thus spurned, Tate saunters over to Natsuki, clearing his throat to get her attention. Shizuru, sensing the potential danger, taps Takeda on the shoulder and softly informs him that Tate is about to make a move on Natsuki.

Takeda rushes off to retrieve a pair of bokken, and an epic battle ensues. Shizuru calmly returns to sipping her tea.

Natsuki, ignorant of the reason behind this contest, or why clashing wooden swords would result in fanservice level explosions blossoming around the heated pair must remind the prop department to remove C4 from our weapons, stands watching with a confused expression on her face. She mutters, "Tate Yuuichi... Takeda Masashi," in her signature terse, ominously foreboding tone – blithely unaware this merely accentuates her cluelessness.

With a final, fateful swing, Tate stands victorious over the fallen Takeda, bellowing victory to the heavens, and lifts his eyes towards the conspicuous patch of grass where his rewards should be standing (and were not) – the pair, soaked by the deluge of excess testosterone, had retreated some time ago for a little light lingerie shopping. ("Natsuki looks so stunning in purple." "Shizuru!!" "Natsuki's so seductive when she puts me in a headlock…")

Tate sighs as his hopes for a threesome with the hot lesbians are dashed. But... idea! Speaking of hot lesbians... He glances over at the hands-on-her-hips, glowering Haruka and her timid-yet-fanatically-grammatical fangirl, Yukino, love on his mind... only to have his id yanked short as Haruka grabs his ear and drags him off to be reprimanded by the Director for his indiscriminate thoughts.

Wondering why nothing seems to be going right for him lately, Tate sulks in the corner, waiting for Fumi to finish bathing Mashiro – but an hour and some eavesdropping later, he realizes (by the sounds wafting through the crack under the bathroom door) this could be a long, long wait.

"They're gay? Why doesn't anyone ever tell me anything!!"

Tate stomps away, deciding that with all the velvet tipping going round, he might actually have better luck with yaoi. After being evicted from several pubs for behavior unbecoming the romantic lead, he approaches Reito, reclining next to Natsuki in the Rosh bar, as the pair peevishly commiserate with one another on the perils of being tall, dark and mysterious. ("Whom have they paired you with?" "Everyone but Sakomizu." "Even Smith?" "Urusai! Don't give them any ideas! And you?" "All the males… and one I'd rather not mention." Somewhere in the distance, Shizuru sneezes. " … Oi.")

Tate throws his arms around Reito and professes undying awe for his beloved sempai. Reito smiles uncomfortably, extricating himself from Tate's embrace.

"Tate-kun...despite my somewhat misleading mannerisms - genteel and feminine as they are - your affection is not something I can return."

Tate slumps, wondering how he can possibly be a harem character, when he gets so little play.

Natsuki smirks, thinking to herself, Don't waste your breath – that speech doesn't work. She also briefly wonders, in retrospect, if beaning Shizuru in the head with her bottle of mayo might not have been a more successful approach. If only our insurance covered assault with a deadly condiment. She grunts into her drink as Tate slinks away. "Still in love with you?"

Reito ducks his head in a charming fashion and brushes microscopic motes of dust from his suit, nodding. "And Fujino-kaichou..." he tentatively ventures, but quickly changes the subject as the temperature plummets and Natsuki's eyebrow begins its dance of doom.

Meanwhile, Tate decides he's going to give it one last try as he nears Takumi's dorm room, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. (After all, Takumi's obviously gay, and if he can't have Mai; well...Takumi seems a fair enough substitution. A cute one. A gentle, effeminate, won't-slap-him-about one, even...)

Taking a moment to check his breath, he approaches the sensitive young man. But just as he's about to ask if Takumi would like to become part of Tate's Pokem... er... harem collection (which would, were he successful, be a whole whopping collection of one - but that's not the point), when calamity strikes – Takumi doubles over in pain, clutching at his chest, and Akira (who rather conveniently appeared out of nowhere, as usual) promptly administers his medicine to him - orally.

Disillusioned, Tate staggers away as Takumi sits up, grinning, and tickles Akira. (Not knowing he'd just missed out on a 'once-in-a-lifetime chance'– at least in Tate's opinion.)

"Oi! How many times have I told you not to get my attention by pretending your chest pains are back?"

Takumi thinks to himself, about as many times as I've tricked you into kissing me, but wisely keeps this to himself.

Akira mutters darkly, pulling Takumi to her in a rough, yet sensual embrace. "Bakayaro!"

Takumi shoots the audience two thumbs up behind Akira's back, blinding several with the flash of his teeth, and makes a mental note to thank Mai for suggesting he join the drama club.

Returning to our erstwhile plot device, we find Tate stomping towards the Student Council room, thoroughly frustrated. He kicks the door in, shouting, "Why doesn't anyone want to sleep with me!?" just as he suavely trips over the splintered remains.

Those assembled (basically everyone, including the writing staff of Sunrise – the cast was in the midst of 'aggressive negotiations' to substitute Midori as the token harem character instead) are quite taken aback, looking uncomfortable ("Mai, what is 'sleep with'? Is it yummie like you?" "Shhh!!! Mikoto!"), and the silence is deafening.

Tate runs away tears streaming down his face and wailing wretchedly, "Nnnniiiiiiinnaaaaaaaa! They're being mean to me again!"

Natsuki stares out the window in a stern, yet anxious show of stoicism. "Oh no! Someone's activated their robe! That breaks the treaty! The sky is falling!"

Shizuru pats Natsuki on the head "Now, now... we both know thinking isn't Natsuki's strong point. Lets see - someone had to certify Nina..." Shizuru holds up a box of Scooby Snacks(tm), magically producing one of the mayo-flavored num-nums between her fingers.

"Can Natsuki tell me who has jurisdiction to do that?"

Kruger wags from stem to stern, tail thumping the floor in dire earnest as she sits up and begs, head cocked (sexily) to one side in the classic arou? pose.

"Natsuki is so kawaii! But she's in charge of the school, and Otome - I need Natsuki to concentrate." Just as magically, another Scooby Snack(tm) 'materializes' between Viola's fingers. "Can Natsuki tell me the name of the only person in allllll of Windbloom who has the authority to certify an Otome, for two Scooby Snacks?"

Natsuki thinks very hard, duly noted by the pulse pounding in her forehead, and the smoke coming out of her ears. "Princess Mashiro!" Kruger breathes in awe.

Shizuru squeals happily, bouncing up and down, and Natsuki watches her wife's chest, completely forgetting about everything else. The gakuenchou recovers a portion of her wits as Viola feeds the younger woman her well-earned reward, and scritches between Natsuki-pup's ears.

"And wouldn't they cancel each other out... Mashiro-hime-sama using her power to certify an Otome, and that Otome accepting the contract?"

"Ahhh... yes?"

Shizuru lavishes affection upon her Kruger for guessing correctly.

In an interview with Meister Shizuru Viola for an upcoming episode of 'This Weeks Armitage!', the third Pillar was asked, "Why is your girlfriend so utterly useless, and how did she manage (to land) the position as principal of Garderobe?" Meister Viola's answer, though a tad more Valley than we anticipated, shed a good deal of light on the situation.

"Oh my Gwad! You didn't really think Natsuki (Kruger) was in charge, did you? No wonder the populace (of Earl) has been so tense lately. No no, you see, back when Natsuki and I were learning the ropes (on how to become Otome), she asked me to hack into the system and change her grades, because she'd flunked Etiquette 101, and was in danger of not moving up to the Pearl class (for the second time). I took pity on her, and changed her grades."

Here the Meister giggled, slipping a hand in front of her lips charmingly. "I think I did too thorough a job. I continued changing her grades after deciding not to graduate for a year, turning down the first three Meister positions I was offered. Natsuki would be jealous, and our relationship was pretty rocky in those early years. I didn't want to risk losing her as a room attendant."

Meister Viola smiled, melting this reporter's (and most of the audience's) hearts as her hands clasped in front of her waist. "By the time we graduated, we were both immediately offered positions as Pillars, much to my surprise; it occurred to me Natsuki's wouldn't last long (in her position) once they'd observed her (in action). I had to arrange some other occupation for my Natsuki, to distract her from Pillar obligations, until she was mature enough to legitimately fulfill her duties. I couldn't really think of anything more tedious and time consuming, or harmless, than gakuenchou of Garderobe."

Meister Viola dipped her head embarrassedly at this point in the interview, lowering those startling maple-hued eyes. "It really wasn't fair, I suppose, to deceive everyone, but you know, I'd do it all over again - anything for my most precious person."

When asked what position (if any) Kruger really held, Viola's smile turned mischievous. "Oh well, Natsuki is really quite talented. She can master almost any task, given the proper incentive."

As for why they fell in love?

"That much should be painfully obvious - stoic in the face of adversity, passionately pursuing unattainable goals, graced with long, flowing, ebony locks and flashing emerald eyes... she (Kruger) is the quintessential bishoujo heart-throb."

Our favorite Pillar leaned forward with a wink and a grin, whispering, "And have you seen her butt? Kami-sama save me, it's enough to make an otaku weep."