Hello again, whoever is crazy enough to attempt to read this. I tried making it crack fic-ish, but I don't think it turned out well...anyway, I DO NOT own Naruto or Harry Potter, the characters or the books. All I own is a Samsung laptop (which my dad has stolen), two iPods, a DSlite and my new, $129 value haircut. :) ENJOY! I really hope your brain doesn't melt...

Warnings: Attempt at humour, slight blood-scene, slight-sadistic!Naruto...mention/s?/ of Sasuke.

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A Mission to Try to Remember

The Hokage was drunk. Again.

Naruto was hungry. But when is he not?

Sakura was annoyed at her master and exasperated with Naruto's whining of how he needed food or he would die.

Sai was smiling in that infuriating way, keeping his head slightly bowed.

Kakashi wasn't there. He was lost on the road of life. For real, this time.

Anyway, the Hokage was drunk and decided the reformed Team 7 needed an S-rank mission.

"Now," The Hokage started started, pausing to burp, "this mission is highly-did you see that-never mind, it's gone now." She paused again. "What was I saying?"

"About our mission!" Naruto said, his eyes scrunching up in displeasure.

"Oh yes!" Tsunade stood, swaying slightly and smiling. "It is very dangerous and you should complete it as soon as possible." She sat down again, her chair squeaking slighlty in protest. "Here's the folder, I think." She squinted down at the writing on the folder. Sakura sighed and leaned over, studying the file.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama, it is." Tsunade nodded and handed the file to Sakura.

"Get it completed as soon as possible. The guy's paying a lot of money." With that, her head dropped on her desk and she started snoring. Naruto immediately got a mischevious expression on his face.

"Don't even think about it, Naruto." Sakura growled as he picked up a conviently placed Sharpie.

"Aw, come on, Sakura-chan!" He whined. Sakura gave him a stern look and he sighed. "Fine." He placed the pen back down reluctantly, pouting. The door burst open and Kakashi stood there, panting. Sakura had the urge to shout at him but only lifted an eyebrow at his ripped appearance.

"I got lost on the road of life." He said in a wondering voice. Naruto stared at him oddly.

"Hey..." Naruto looked around. "Where the hell did Sai go?" Sakura shrugged.

"He's unimportant to the plot at the moment." Naruto 'ah'ed at her explanation and proceeded to defying gravity, bouncing up and down the walls and across the ceiling.

"So he's not coming on this mission I'm not supposed to know about yet?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes-wait-no(A/N: I wrote 'yes' but I couldn't be bothered backspacing it XD)." Sakura frowned. "He's coming on the mission." She said. Kakashi nodded.

"What's the mission?" He asked.

Sakura opened the file. "It's to assasinate some kid named Harry Potter...and an old man." She frowned. "Seems easy enough. Why would it be S-rank?"

Kakashi pointed to a note the client made.

Subject likes to annoy everyone and defy death.

"Oh. Why would they want him assassinated?"

Kakashi pointed to another note.

Subject is annoying. And rude. And arrogant. And he keeps interferring in my plans to take over the world. He needs to be eliminated. And he's so MEAN!

"Wow. This client thought things through, didn't he?" Kakashi shrugged. Sakura picked up a colour photo of a black-haired, green-eyed boy wearing glasses and a lightning-bolt scar on his forehead.

"Cool scar!" Naruto said appreciatevly. "But mine of the Chidori Sasuke got me with is better..."

"Why mention Sasuke all of a sudden?" Kakashi asked.

"Because he has to be mentioned in every story. Otherwise, people won't read it!"

"True, true..." Kakashi tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Anyway, where do we need to go?"

"Some crackpot placed called Hogwarts." Sakura snorted.

"It's very unlady-like to snort, Sakura." Naruto informed her. "At least, that's what other people say..."

"Shut up, pea-brain!"

"Hey! I'm not a pea-brain!"

"Both of you pea-brains shut up. And Naruto?" A hopeful look up. "You are a pea-brain." A depressed pout. "How do we get to...'Hogwarts?'" Kakashi questioned.

"By a...portkey?"

"The hell's that?"

"How am I supposed to know, idiot?"

"You're the smart one!"

"Thanks, but I know nothing about these people!"

"Maybe you should find something!"

"Shut up, idiot!" *Punch*

"OW!"

Kakashi sighed and examined the file again. A piece of cardboard fell from it, a note pinned to it.

This will be your portkey. It is schedualed to leave on the second of February at 2:30 pm, your time. Do not miss it.

Kakashi checked the time and saw it was two minutes to 2:30. "Stop bickering! This is our portkey and it leaves in two minutes, with or without you two." Two pairs of hands immediately grabbed hold of the cardboard, a third, paper white pair joining a moment later. "What were you doing, Sai?" Kakashi questioned.

"What was I doing? Ino..." They didn't have much time to process this answer before they were pulled forwards by their belly buttons, landing hard on a Stone Cold (A/N: Also not mine...)concrete floor.

"Ah...I see you are here." Said a high, cold voice, which came from a high-bakced chair. A snake was coiled on the rug underneath it, hissing faintly. A carton of milk was sitting innocently on the floor, a picture of a cow facing them.

"He he." Kakashi chuckled. "Moo."

Naruto, however, was gaping at the snake. It slithered towards them, turning the chair around as it did so. Naruto's gape moved to the...urm...thing sitting in the chair. He had red eyes, pale, almost see-through (A/N: I can't spell the other word... TT_TT) skin and no nose.

"G-gah!" Naruto exclaimed. "You have no nose!"

"I am aware." The man said haughtily.

"Can you still smell things?"

The man's non-existant eyebrow twitched.

"Are you our client?" Sakura asked, studying the man's clothes with slight distaste. Long, black robes and an equally long, equally black cape. No colours... she almost shuddered but just settled for smiling nervously.

"Yes." The man answered. "I suppose you read the file?"

"Of course."

"Tell me who you are assassinating." He demanded.

"Some kid named Harry Potter and an old man named Albus Dumbledore."

"Good. At least there is some common sense among you." He sniffed.

"Stupid poms..."(A/N: I have nothing against British people, but for the sake of this fanfic, Naruto doesn't like them.) Naruto muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"

"Thought so." A pause. "Well, what are you still standing here for?"

"You have to tell us how to get to Hogwarts." Sakura pointed out.

"Wormtail will sort that out. WORMTAIL!" The man suddenly screeched, making Naruto scream like a girl and leap onto the ceiling.

"Naruto! Get down from there! And stop screaming like a girl. Honestly, it's disgraceful!"

"No! And shut up!"

A man entered, staring at the four new people with wide eyes. "Activate that portkey, Wormtail." The man in the chair said dangerously.

"Y-yes, m-my lord. W-whatever you w-wish, m-my lord."

A few minutes and a lot of awkward silence, hisses and lame jokes about a draft from Naruto later, Wormtail returned with a rusty old can. "Kill as many others as you wish, except for the students wearing green..."

That same pull and they were standing in the middle of a large dining hall, full of black-clothed youths.

"Hello?" Naruto asked, unsure. They saw Harry Potter sitting at one of the tables, staring. There were two people beside him, one with shocking red hair, to which Naruto cringed at and a girl with bushy brown hair, brown eyes and a stern look on her face, despite her surprise. The can clattered to the ground between Naruto's fingers, startling everyone from their shock. Whispers broke out among the hall but the four ninjas were only focused on Harry Potter. Jumping over food, heads and flailing arms proved difficult but they eventually go to where the boy was sitting.

"Harry Potter?" Kakashi asked in his Epic Voice™.

"Y-yeah?"

"Blimey!" The red-head exclaimed. "Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Who we are does not matter, but the message we bring." Naruto said, using his own Epic Voice™, which was much more Epic than Kakashi's.

"A-alright. What's the message?"

Naruto looked at Sakura, who shook her head. Sai was studying the hall curiously, so he was out. Kakashi claimed to be too old so Naruto sighed. He discreetly prepared a senbon in case someone got close and leaned down to the boy's ear. "The message of your death." He whispered and quickly slit the boy's throat, watching with slight amusement as blood spurted from the cut, the boy's eyes widening before he crumpled to the ground. The hall was silent for a second until one of his friends, the girl, started screaming, noticing how Harry Potter's blood covered her from head to toe. Naruto looked away, up to an old man. "Albus Dumbledore?" he asked, still using his Epic Epic Voice™ (A/N: this makes sense, right?...).

The old man nodded and Naruto flicked a senbon at him, watching with satisfaction as the needle buried deeply in his neck, releasing the fast-acting poison into his blood stream. He quickly keeled over into his mashed potatoes, dead as Harry Potter. Soon the halls were filled with screams, except from one table, who looked delighted.

"Let's go home." Sakura said, but Kakashi was staring at something across the room. "Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hehe. Moo." With that said, they retraced their chakra (A/N: can they do that? Well, they can in this fic! XD) back to the man in the chair. His eyes widened when he noticed the blood splattered on Naruto's uniform and face.

"Objective complete. Both targets neutralized." Naruto said, grinning.

"Good." The man still seemed shocked. "Here's your money and a portkey back to where you came from." Taking the portkey, they were pulled back to the Hokage's office to see her wide awake, an angry Shizune watching over her.

"How'd it go?"

Naruto dropped the bag of money on her desk and she whistled at how large the size was. "I gotta go home. I'm hungry." With that, Naruto bounded out of the office.

"D'you think he noticed he was covered in blood?"

"Probably not."

"...Want to go get some Dango?"

"...Sure."

"Hey...Sai..."

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean when you said you were doing Ino?"

"What do you think I meant?"

A glance. "...Don't worry..."

"...I wasn't..."

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I told my mum I needed help! She wouldn't listen! Now I'm stuck here waiting for that jacket that makes me hug myself that my dad said he ordered... :D

oh, and the 'hehe, moo' comments from Kakashi are from 'Naruto: the Abridged Series' on YouTube. :D I DO NOT OWN THEM!

I don't own Sharpie either...I don't even think I own a Sharpie pen O.o

Edit: I also do not own the Epic Voices Naruto and Kakashi used...but I do wonder who does...

Also, I have nothing against British people, Harry Potter or cows. I made this for FUN.

'Stone Cold' belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin...I think...

Me: 'Please review! Or I will ask Hidan-sama to sacrafice you!' :D

Gaara: 'Why not Sand Coffin?'

Me: 'Not messy enough...' *looks at Gaara, who's grinning evilly* "Oh, shi...PLEASE REVIEW!' *runs away from Gaara screaming*