TRIGGER WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SELF-INJURY.
A/N: My mind is often a scary place to be and tonight it was enamored with the idea that Arizona Robbins wasn't always the perky attending that we have always known. I know most people go for Callie being the dark one since she was "the one in the back of the class eating her hair" so I decided to attempt a different angle. This story is also super personal for me but it's also something I needed to share. Okay, I'll quit rambling now. Please be kind but honest in your reviews.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything recognizable. Nor do I wish to gain anything monetary from this endeavor.
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn,
It's always darkest before the dawn
-Florence & The Machine 'Shake It Out';
Arizona Noelle Robbins wasn't always the perky person that most know.
The truth dared to spill like blood in Calliope's dimly lit bedroom when they had been dating for three months. The raven haired woman had been laying on her stomach with her chin propped in one hand as the other traced over her girlfriend's body; fingers trailing like fire over a nearly invisible chickenpox scar on her eyebrow. She paused her mapping long enough to drop a kiss to the notch on Arizona's collarbone from a childhood break. Fingers chased Arizona's veins down her arm to her thin wrist where Callie turned the limb to kiss her palm but she pulled up short at the thin, faded scars that crossed the tanned skin of the blond's wrist. "What happened here?"
But she feared she already knew the answer.
She lifted herself onto her elbows to look down at what had caught the brunette's attention and her breathing hitched when she dawned with realization. "Noth-" she started with the well rehearsed lie but stopped herself. "Calliope, please."
Keeping hold of Arizona's wrist, Callie pulled the woman closer and pressed her lips against her temple. "Truth, Arizona."
"I was fourteen." Arizona shifted so she was engulfed in her Calliope's embrace while her eyes read the scars like they were a story in a language that only she could understand. "My dad was out on assignment half of the year and I had this huge crush on his CO's daughter... I was a lesbian growing up on a military base in a pre-Rent world." She faltered as memories washed over her. Callie's free hand danced in circles over her shoulder and held her in the present. "We were in a new schools, Tim and I, and I was on my own at the high school... I doubt that high school is kind to anyone but this was my third school in about as many years and these kids had all known each other since preschool. I was a freak. And unhappy. And not interested in joining the other girls while they gossiped over boys."
"Arizona..." She dipped her head to press a kiss to the crook of the woman's neck.
"It's okay, I'm past it." Arizona sighed and settled deeply into the embrace. "I was sad and I was alone and I wasn't 'normal'. Tim was busy with twelve different sports on any given day and my mom was always helping another mom out on base. I was left to run rampant most of the time because I was the responsible and careful one. I never put a toe over the line because of my issues with authority and I wasn't one for partying. Usually, more often than not, I kept my head down and my nose in a book. And that suited me fine. I never really felt all that lonely before that year in Mississippi but it hit me so hard that I felt like I couldn't breathe. So, I started cutting."
The word sent a shiver down Callie's spine and twisted her gut painfully; the scars had basically told her that was what Arizona had done but the word was so blunt and raw that it felt like glass pelting her.
Arizona's fingers replaced Callie's on the soft skin of her forearm; the jagged white lines had faded over the years so much that no one ever really noticed them. She rarely gave them much of a thought these days, just a dog-eared page from her misspent youth. "This one was the deepest." Her finger stopped on the thickest. "I had a fight with my mom, Timothy was at basketball camp, and the Colonel was gone."
Callie drew the skin to her lips and danced over the scar. "How did you stop?"
"Tim." His name still pulled at her heartstrings and probably always would – her baby brother had saved her life. "And Joanne."
"The first girlfriend." Arizona nodded.
"Joanne made me feel not alone, she made me feel normal." Arizona sighed. "She made me realize that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was normal. She made me believe that I wasn't disappearing. And Tim... he found my razor when he was snooping through my room and threw it away. We never really talked about it but he found me that night, looked me in the eyes while I was freaking out because it was missing, and he told me to stop. He asked me and so I did. It was hard as hell but I would've done anything for him."
"Your brother was one hell of a man."
Arizona nodded her agreement and turned in Callie's arm to drop a kiss just beneath her collarbone. "Thank you."
Callie's brow furrowed. "For what?"
"Listening and not judging." Arizona replied with a small, almost imperceptible shrug.
She dropped a kiss to the bridge of the blond's nose before lacing their fingers together and bring their joined hands up to rest above her heart, sandwiched between their bodies. "Your scars are a part of you, Arizona, and who you've become. I hate what you must have felt to have caused them but they don't change what I feel about you."
"Calliope?"
"Hmm?"
"Could you hold me for awhile?"
"As you wish." Her arms slipped around the smaller waist and their feet tangled beneath the sheets at the foot of the bed as her lips peppered the golden tresses with the ghosts of kisses. Arizona pressed a kiss to the hollow of her throat and she swallowed hard, pulling her closer. "I am so very glad you're here with me."
Arizona pondered the words for a moment, rejoicing in the warm hands spanning her back, while she dropped a kiss to the brunette's sternum. All of it passed her by in a matter of seconds and from it she could only draw one conclusion. "Me too, Calliope."
"May I kiss you now?"
"As you wish," she echoed and tipped her head to comply.
Yes, Arizona was glad for her life – even the not-so-perky moments – because it had all culminated in that very moment. Perfection in the darkest hour before the dawn.