A/N: I do not own D.G., either, but thanks to the response of you readers, I'm taking a stab at the other characters. Baum wrote it, SciFi adapted it, and I want a series, not a miniseries, dammit. Hints of DG/Cain are not your imagination. For the record, the idea of a user guide is not mine. I have no idea who originated it, but as I've never said it was mine, deal with it. Nor is any similarity to any other's work intended.
THE USERS GUIDE AND MANUAL FOR
D.G. ("Dorothy Gale")
Copyright Tin Man, Ltd.
Crown Princess Azkadelia, Senior Technical Advisor
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a D.G. unit. To obtain the most pleasure from your princess, please follow the instructions below.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: D.G.
Type: Human (O.Z. Princess)
Height: 1.68 m
Weight: 115 lbs.
Colour: Eyes: Blue Hair: Dark Brown
ACCESSORIES
Your D.G. will be shipped to you as soon as possible. Units arrive astride a panhead motorcycle via travel storm. Included is the blue-and-white checked "Dorothy" dress worn at the Hilltop Cafe, as well as apron and rubber bands to allow your D.G. to wear her hair in pigtails. Also included is the green-gowned princess doll complete with golden crown and leather-bound sketchbook and drawing and painting supplies. She comes dressed in a white stretchy undershirt, dark jeans with gold embroidery on the back pockets, dark leather jacket and wide-eyed innocence.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS
It is recommended that upon receipt of your D.G. unit that you remove all clothing, check all moving parts and clean the unit thoroughly. The road is after all very dusty and tornadoes, by any other name, are not vortexes of cleanliness. Once clean and dressed, allow your D.G. to greet your other units. Be advised, this will involve hugging and longing looks where your WYATT CAIN unit is involved.
As well as being a spunky princess, your D.G. unit serves a variety of other functions.
Singer
Forgot to hire the entertainment for your soiree? Set your DG in the shower and she'll belt out Eartha Kitt's greatest hits. Especially on point for Christmas, her rendition of "Santa Baby" will have your male guests scrambling for their Christmas lists.
Empowerment Specialist
Does your five year old have a fear of the dark? Do you need a bit of moral support before tackling that darkened basement with its cadre of spiders and creepy-crawlers? Simply allow your DG unit to use her deep insight to see past your fear and draw out your inner champion. Hugging is involved, so be advised.
Labyrinth Walker
Can't get through the corn maze at the local fairground? Then your DG unit will come in handy. Simply set her at the outer boundary and let her go. Be advised, she will run through the maze, an expression of joyful innocence on her face. She will not answer when called and if you do not wish to be lost yourself, best run after her.
Waitress
We cannot promise the quality of her waitress skills, as she tends to have her head in the clouds while doing this task. But in a pinch she can take orders, deliver food to tables and keep light banter going. This will be a help to those who need to take a night off from their witnessing job for a marathon session of watching TIN MAN. She will wear her Hilltop Café dress if so desired.
Portrait Artist
Can't figure out what to give your Aunt Mabel? Simply give your DG an old picture of said Aunt Mabel and your DG will turn out a professional quality portrait of your elderly aunt before the moustache made an appearance. This also comes in handy for that extra bit of effort on school reports or projects as her artistic skills are quite fine.
Children's Party Entertainer
Tired of the standard fare for little Johnny's party? Don't think you can deal with Snappy the Clown and his balloon animals another year? Simply hand your D.G. her princess doll and let her go to town. She'll have the doll dancing, spinning and twirling so quickly that your guests will be stumped. And, should you not have a green thumb, let her heal your garden. As the flowers bloom and color come back to your cucumbers, your guests will be amazed. It is not recommended to loan your D.G. unit out, as evidenced by Mrs. Simms vs. The Hammond Farm, it is very difficult to retrieve the unit from determined farmers.
CLEANING
While your DG unit may sometimes appear only tousled, she does periodically need a good cleaning. She is comfortable with the modern amenities such as showers and bathtubs and will require shampoo and body cleansing products that are feminine but not "girly." While she is more than capable of cleaning herself, depending on your preferences, it can be very pleasurable to assist with this activity.
Do not dry clean or tumble dry your DG unit. Hand washing is strongly recommended.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS AND TROUBLESHOOTING
My DG is going into a nearby cave, then crumpling to her knees and then crying while mourning having left Azkadelia in the clutches of the witch. This is disturbing the neighbors. Any suggestions?
This would be called survivors guilt. As DG had her memories of childhood magically wiped from her mind, it can be traumatic as she slowly regains them. The best remedy for this behavior is the CAIN unit. He has an uncanny knack for knowing when DG is in a self-destructive spiral and takes a not-so-paternal interest in her well-being. After a brief quiet chat and a long, comforting hug, the two will return and DG will feel much better. Moreover, simply requesting the CAIN unit to keep an eye on her will eliminate the DG unit's ever being able to go to said cave again.
I keep expecting plagues of locust or death of all the cattle. DG is a disaster magnet! She released a wicked witch, got her sister possessed, caused the CAIN unit to be imprisoned for numerous years, the land to be deadened, and the GLITCH unit to lose half of his brain. Shouldn't I be worried about what's going to happen next now that the princess is in my home?
Well, when you put it like that…we strongly recommend that you purchase a CAIN unit. All of your concerns are valid, though we would like to point out that all of the actions you describe were performed when DG was five years old. Moreover, a strong sense of guilt and responsibility is already instilled in the DG unit, making it highly unlikely that she would influence any small children to follow her example. And should she do anything likely to bring down the plagues of Egypt on your home, the CAIN unit will nip it in the bud.
My DG has an expression best described as "little girl lost" in those big blue eyes. Is everything alright or should I start therapy immediately for her?
She's supposed to look like that. All is normal. Though if crying begins, just put your CAIN unit near her and they'll take care of it on their own.
My DG has an aversion to turkey feathers and hanging baskets. Is there a particular reason for this or does she just not like Thanksgiving?
Following the capture of the DG and GLITCH units by the FREEDOM FIGHTERS OF THE NORTHERN GUILD (hereafter known as the MUNCHKINS), the two were held in a hanging basket and threatened with an ominous torture device called the "Flayer" (available in the MUNCHKIN ACCESSORY PACK). Since the MUNCHKINS sported body paint and turkey feathers, DG has an understandable dislike for the abovementioned. It is not recommended to take her to a craft shop such as Michael's.
My DG arrived wearing a green elf costume and has short, bleached her hair. She's singing "Santa Baby" and she's wrapping everything in the house in Christmas wrapping. Help!
Apologies. You have received a JOVIE unit. She is especially popular for those who might need some sarcasm and pretty Christmas carols to spice up the holiday. However, we will be sending a GIMBELS DEPARTMENT STORE truck to retrieve her and upon receipt back into inventory, will send out your DG unit forthwith. For the mistake, we will also include at no additional charge the magical SILVER SLIPPERS as mentioned in Baum's book.
FINAL NOTE
We here in quality control hope that your thoroughly enjoy your DG unit and, provided that all instructions are followed are certain that she will provide you with years of enjoyment. If you are presenting DG as a gift, please be advised that we follow the rules and regulations as set out by the Royal House of Gale of the Outer Zone. Remember, a DG is a gift forever, not just for birthdays and holidays.