Title: She Cries Your Name
Author: Canonisation
Part: 1/1
Pairing: Well, if you squint a bit, you might see one :)
Rating: 12
Set after episode 13x26, 'Boy Valentine, Girl Valentine'. Contains spoilers for that episode.
Synopsis: Penny is gone, but certainly not forgotten...
1
Night had fallen in Holby. It was a cold night, the sky overcast, the moon and stars completely hidden. A light rain was falling. For anyone looking out over the city, it was a grim sight. However, appreciating the view was the last thing Frieda Petrenko was in the mood for. She pushed the door to the roof open roughly, not caring as it slammed back against her as she passed through. She was still clad in her emergency overalls from earlier, still caked in dirt and blood, her make-up smudged, her hair working its way free from the usual tight bun.
She didn't care one bit how she looked. The stares she'd received on the way up to the roof had barely registered at all. Other people's opinions of Frieda had rarely concerned her, and certainly wouldn't now. The only other person's opinion that mattered was one she'd never hear again.
Frieda slumped down hard onto the roof, her back against a wall. As she did so, some of the feeling she was trying so very hard to suppress slipped out and she gave a strangulated sob. That was enough to open the floodgates, and she began openly weeping, head in her hands. After a few moments, she managed to regain control, and angrily wiped the tears from her eyes with her sleeve, ignoring the pain of the dirt fragments roughly rubbing against her.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes, grabbing one from the packet. She lit it, and breathed in the smoke deeply. She'd quit a few years ago, just after all of the...unpleasantness...that had caused her to leave the Ukraine, and quit being a doctor. She'd never been tempted to start again, not until now. In her grief, she hadn't even bought them, just rifled through pockets in the locker room until she found some.
Frieda closed her eyes again, fighting the urge to break down again. She was still hoping that she was going to wake up at some point, that this whole horrible day had been a horrible nightmare. That she was going to come into work and be greeted by that beautiful, smiling face, that irritatingly perky manner, that wonderful, annoying optimism. But that wasn't going to happen - ever again.
Penny Valentine was dead.
Even the thought of it made Frieda's stomach lurch. How could it have happened? It had started out such a good day. Penny had finally returned from her long holiday, and had hugged Frieda warmly on her return. Frieda had missed her greatly, and had been slightly hurt that Penny hadn't seen fit to contact her at all when she was away. Penny had seemed to recognise that this had hurt Frieda and assured her that there was a reason - just one that she wasn't able to talk about at that point.
Then she'd gone off to find Oliver - after being seemingly shocked that he was still there - something Frieda didn't quite understand. That was when news of the train crash had hit. Frieda and Penny had both volunteered to go out to the scene. Once they'd arrived, that was when Frieda had her final conversation with Penny. She'd been upset, and wouldn't tell Frieda why. She'd assured Frieda that she would tell her why, but it had to wait until the end of the day. Then they'd agreed to meet after work for a drink, and set off to do their duty at the crash site.
"I'll see you for a drink later, then?" Those had been the final words that Penny had ever spoken to Frieda. Frieda's reply had been "Of course," said with a smile. Those would not have been the words Frieda would have chosen had she known that was the last conversation they would ever share. There had been so much she'd wanted to say to Penny, so much she should have said. Words she would never have the chance to say.
Taking a drag on her cigarette, Frieda was surprised at the sound of the roof door opening. She frowned - she didn't want to be disturbed now, of all times. Hopefully whoever it was could be scared off pretty easily. All Frieda wanted to do right now was be alone.
To her surprise, Sacha Levy appeared round the corner. He gave a smile as he saw her. "There you are!" he said. "I was afraid I'd missed you."
"Go away," growled Frieda, turning away from him.
"That's a bad habit," he said, not moving.
"Don't care."
"Look..." Sacha sighed, and sat down next to Frieda. "I heard...about Penny. I'm really sorry."
"Why? You didn't do anything," snapped Frieda, turning to him angrily, fully prepared to repeat her suggestion to leave - a lot more forcefully this time. Her anger waned as she saw his face. He was trying to keep his usual boisterous mood up, but she could see from the redness of his eyes that he'd been crying too. "I'm...I'm sorry," she said softly. "I'm just..."
"I know. You don't need to apologise." Sacha's expression grew more serious. "How are you doing, Spidermonkey?"
Despite herself, Frieda smiled slightly at the nickname. "I'm..." She shook her head, exhaling smoke. "It is not fair," she whispered. "Why her? Of all the people at the hospital, why her? Not that I would want anyone to die, of course, but..."
"I know."
"Why did she have to crawl under that train? Is so like her, too. Thinking she could help someone that seemed hopeless." Frieda smiled. "She was always stupid that way." She looked at Sacha, tears gleaming in her eyes. "She was going to be an incredible doctor. I teased her, but...she was good."
"She certainly was."
"Her life..." Frieda closed her eyes. "She always felt like she was second best. Her parents - they ignored her for idiot brother. She felt under his shadow...never feeling that things were going well, or that she had what it took. People undermined her, and she was so underconfident...she wanted to quit at times." She took a deep breath. "But now...she was excelling. She was getting more confident. She was starting to realise just how much worth she had, and now...now she's gone."
"It doesn't seem fair," agreed Sacha.
"Such wasted life," muttered Frieda. "She should be going on to prove them all wrong...to believe in herself, and become great doctor. Instead she is crushed under train, and..." The thought made her choke up and she tailed off, unable to complete the sentance.
Sacha tried to give a supportive smile. "It isn't fair. But...she died doing something she loved. She loved being a doctor - you know that. It's all she ever wanted to be."
"I know..." Frieda sighed. "But she should have had...there should have been more happiness in her life. More chances for her to see how amazing she was. More people backing her up." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I should have supported her more."
"She knew how much you cared."
Frieda looked at Sacha, shaking her head sadly. "She did not. I should have...I should have told her how great she was all the time. How good a doctor she was. That, no matter what, I would have been there for her when she felt alone. How much I lo..." Her voice cracked again and she stopped. "Listen to me," she whispered. "I am making this all about me."
Sacha shook his head, smiling sadly. "You aren't, trust me. You just wanted her to have had the respect and inner peace she deserved when she was alive. And trust me, I'm not stupid. She knew that you were always there for her, in your own way."
"That is polite way of saying that I was not," muttered Frieda.
"No, it isn't." said Sacha firmly. "Trust me...she knew how much you cared."
"I wish you a painful and lonely death," muttered Frieda to Sacha's surprise. She turned to him, eyes full of regret. "That is what I said to her once, when she told everyone I had been doctor. At the time, I was so mad...I wasn't thinking. I did not mean it, but..." Her gaze fell to the ground. "She did die painfully and alone, didn't she?"
"Come on. That was months ago...you'd made up since then," said Sacha warmly. "It was a turn of phrase...you couldn't have known."
"I always do that," mumbled Frieda angrily through gritted teeth. "I lose my temper, and I say these things, and I don't think...and I hurt people..."
"You're slipping into self-pity here. Would Penny want you to hate yourself? For wrongs that you've done that, quite frankly, exist only in your own head?" Sacha looked her in the eyes. "That was a casual phrase, used ages ago - I'm definite Penny had already forgotten about it."
Frieda was silent for a few moments, before shaking her head. "No. She would not want me to hate myself."
"You know she really liked you, right?"
Frieda nodded sadly. "She is why I am doing this - the doctor thing. If it was not for her, I would have left...kept being nurse. She pushed me...wanted me to live up to potential." She looked down at her outfit. "Seems stupid now. Now that she is...gone."
Sacha frowned. "You're not thinking of packing it in, are you?"
Frieda didn't say anything.
"Come on! You're a fantastic doctor. Sure, your fashion sense is a bit lacking, and you could stand to be a little nicer to people, but..."
Frieda raised an eyebrow. "Fashion advice? From you? I have seen your shirt collection."
Sacha smiled. "See? That's what I mean about being nicer to people. But really...you know how much Penny wanted you to be a doctor."
Frieda nodded slowly. "I am not quitting. I could not dishonour her memory in that way."
"Glad to hear it."
Frieda finished her cigarette and flicked it away. She stared out over the city, remaining silent for a long time. Finally, she placed her head in her hands. "I wish..." she said softly. "I wish she had not died alone. I was somewhere else...I did not even realise she was in trouble. Instead, she died by herself, with no-one to comfort her..." She took a deep breath. "This will sound selfish."
"What?"
Frieda looked over at Sacha. "I wish I had got to say goodbye."
Sacha nodded, thinking for a moment. "Do you..." He paused, steeling himself. "Do you want to do that now?"
Frieda's eyes widened. "You mean...see her? Now? While she is..." She turned away, shaking her head vigorously. "No. I can't. I can't see her like that."
"Frieda," said Sacha softly. "Trust me. I know it'll be hard, and frankly, I don't want to do it either...but you'll regret it if you don't."
Frieda stared out over the city for a long time, finally giving a curt nod. "Okay. You're right." She turned to Sacha. "Let's go." Sacha nodded, and the two got up and made their way back inside.
2
Frieda gazed at herself in the bathroom mirror. No wonder people had been staring at her while she was walking through the corridors. Her face was still dirty, and now it was covered with smeared make-up from crying. She splashed herself with water, cleaning her face, making sure everything was gone. She also tied her hair back up - it had started to escape from its bun in large clumps. She'd discarded her overalls from the crash site, and changed back into a clean pair of scrubs.
She was not going to say goodbye to Penny looking like a mess. Penny deserved better.
Taking a final look at herself in the mirror, Frieda steeled herself. She didn't want to do this. She didn't want to see Penny's lifeless body. Deep down, Frieda was still half hoping that this was all going to be a terrible nightmare, and that she would wake up eventually. Seeing Penny now would finally bring it all home to Frieda - that Penny was gone.
However, Sacha was right. She needed to say her goodbyes. She owed Penny that. So, this was something she had to do. Walking out of the bathroom decisively, she found Sacha waiting for her. He looked as apprehensive as she felt.
"Ready?" he said nervously.
Frieda nodded, trying to look more confident than she felt. She and Sacha walked down the corridor to the morgue, her stomach churning in fear all the way. They reached the door, and Frieda took a deep breath, theen went in. The attendant looked up as they entered.
"We're here to see Doctor Valentine," said Frieda softly.
The attendant nodded, her expression softening. She indicated the drawer they needed, and stood back. "Do you...do you want to be alone?" she asked quietly.
Frieda gave a curt nod, and she left, leaving Frieda and Sacha standing in the room. Sacha stayed back near the door, and Frieda walked over to the drawer. She reached her hand out and stopped, hand resting above the handle. This was not something she wanted to do. However, she forced herself to place her hand on there, pulling the drawer open before she had a chance to back out.
It slid out, revealing Penny - no, Penny's body - under a sheet. Frieda stared at the sheet for what seemed like an eternity, wrestling with her desire to run, to escape from this nightmare. All she wanted to do was get out of here, pretend that this horrible day had never happened, that her closest colleague and friend was still alive, that she would someday get the courage to admit her true feelings.
No, she thought, this was something she had to do - for Penny's sake. She deserved a proper farewell - for Frieda to tell her how much she would be missed, and how much Penny had meant to her. Gathering her strength, Frieda slowly drew back the sheet, revealing Penny's body lying on the slab. Her beautiful face was peaceful, her eyes closed. For a moment, it almost looked as if she was just sleeping.
When she saw Penny, Frieda immediately choked back a sob, raising a hand to her face as tears ran freely down her cheeks. Sacha held back, giving Frieda all the space she needed to express her feelings. Frieda wept openly as she silently cursed whatever powers that be about the sheer unfairness of this - how Penny Valentine had deserved more. How she deserved to go and receive recognition for her brilliant skills, after a lifetime of being marginalized and pushed down. How she deserved to find happiness in her life, after repressing it for so long in pursuit of a dream few people had supported her in. How she deserved success and love, far, far more than anyone Frieda had ever known.
Frieda gazed down at Penny, brushing a lock of her gorgeous hair out of her eyes. She bent over over Penny, and whispered her final goodbye, allowing the tears to fall as she did so. When she was done, she leaned down and kissed Penny softly, letting her skin linger against Penny's as she did so.
She stood back up, and wiped her eyes. Taking a final, lingering look at Penny's flawless beauty, she pulled the sheet back over her and closed the drawer again. When it was closed, she allowed herself a few moments to compose herself before turning and walking back over to Sacha, who was still waiting by the door.
His eyes were moist as well. "Are you ready?" he asked softly. "Did you say everything you needed to?"
Frieda nodded. "I said..." She paused. "I said things to her I should have said while she was alive, but that I...I never had the courage to..."
Sacha reached out and placed his hand supportively on Frieda's shoulder. "She knew," he whispered. "Believe me, she knew."
"I hope so," said Frieda softly. There was a pause, before she looked up to meet Sacha's gaze. "Thank you," she whispered emotionally.
Sacha tried to give his usual beaming grin, but it didn't quite work. "No problem," he said warmly. "Hey, what am I here for?"
Frieda pursed her lips a little. "People have been trying to work that out, I think..." She managed a small smile as she said it.
"Now, that's the Frieda I know." Sacha's expression grew more serious. "Are you okay? What are you going to do tonight?"
Frieda raised an eyebrow. "Why, worried?"
Sacha dithered for a second, before confessing that he was.
"Don't worry," said Frieda. "Is not what I am going to do - is what we are going to do." At Sacha's confused look, she continued: "We are going to go out. I will buy you drink, and we are going to celebrate Penny's life and achievements. Because she deserves to be honoured, and remembered for the brilliant person she was."
Sacha smiled again. "I couldn't agree more," he said, and walked out of the morgue.
Frieda lingered for a few seconds more, giving a final, longing gaze to where Penny lay, before turning and walking out of the morgue. The light was flicked off, leaving Penny Valentine resting there peacefully, gone from this world, but never to leave the hearts and minds of those that would always, forever love her.
The End