Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.

Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?

Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI

Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?

Chapter 1: One Can Only Handle So Much Pain

It hurt me watching them. Maybe because even though he hated both of us he had a preference for Lavi. I sat there peering around a corner as I watch them talk. Lavi laughed and poked at him, just trying to draw a smile out of my stoic crush. He looked like he couldn't care less, but I knew that if it were me I'd be running because he'd have tried to kill me by now. What did I do to have him hate me so much? Why was I so throughly annoying to him? What do I do that makes him mad? So many questions buzzed through my mind. I couldn't watch Lavi attempt to flirt with Yuu any more.

I plodded to my room rather upset and locked the door. It was nearly lunch time but after watching that I couldn't help but not feel the least bit hungry. Some one would come eventually for me wondering if I had died because I wasn't down in the mess hall eating. It'd likely be Lenalee or Lavi and I hope if they did send someone it'd be Lenalee I don't think I could look at Lavi right now...

As expected not even 10 minutes after 12, my usual eating time, a knock sounded on my door and I opened it. However I didn't expect to see a long haired samuri at my door. He seemed throughly angry about having to be sent to get me and not wanting him to come all this way for nothing I followed him out to the mess hall.

I didn't order nearly half as much as I normally do and Jerry seemed confused but he didn't press on. People tried talking to me but my word comprehension just wasn't there today. I tried not to stare over at Yuu sitting across from me. It was hard but I did it. I mainly kept my eyes on Lenalee's and talked as I normally would. She seemed to catch on though and when I was done eating she pulled me aside. She asked me what was wrong, why wasn't I eating, was I sick, was I hurt. So many questions it began to hurt my head and then she asked the one question I couldn't handle.

"Is it Kanda? I've noticed how strained you seem around him," She just didn't know how right that was.

The tears I've been holding back for months streamed down my face. Lenalee was shocked she was used to seeing me cry. She didn't know to react she just hugged me and tried to calm me down. It's like she could read exactly what I thought. "It's okay Allen, don't cry, maybe he just doesn't realize how you feel," Her words didn't help me I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

Eventually I did calm down however, I spilled my long held secret to her and she said that she had a feeling that's how I felt for a while now. She tried her best to comfort me, from telling me I could move on to even trying to hep me better confess my feelings. "I love you," I stated, the words seemed foreign in my mouth. She told me I just needed to practice it and maybe it'll be easier just to come out and confess. Until then she said I could come to her to talk about it.

It meant a lot to me knowing there was someone here I could talk to without getting judged.

From that day I would go on with my normal routine but every so often when no one was around I'd sneak into Lenalee's room and we'd sit there and talk. It wasn't always about Yuu sometimes we'd talk about the hard ships of being an exorsist among other things. Yuu was our main subject though.

While talking with Lenalee did help what didn't was it seemed Yuu only began to hate me more and more. He refused missions with me insisting upon someone else or he wouldn't go. He refused to talk to me and I watched as he and Lavi only got closer and closer. I don't know if I could possibly watch another minute of him near Lavi instead of me. It was driving me insane to watch this.

Lenalee left for a big mission by herself and Lavi and Kanda are off on a mission together. I couldn't have felt more alone or upset. I couldn't smile anymore it hurt me to even think of smiling. One night, shortly after Yuu and Lavi's return, I was coming back to my room after a late night meal to see Yuu walking out of Lavi's room saying, "Good Night Lavi and next time try not to be so rough." I couldn't take it I ran to my room and slammed the door locking it. I couldn't handle this on my own and Lenalee wasn't here for me now either. I saw a small razor blade glisten in the moonlight in my room and I reached for it. I released every emotion in me last night as I sobbed.

The next day I wore my coat lucky it was winter so it wasn't abnormal looking. Lenalee hasn't been heard from for a week now. I walked around like I was fine a fake smiling mask on my face. I was about to turn a corner when I heard Yuu's voice. "Lavi, shut up, don't let anyone hear you!"

"Oh come on Yuu, it's going to get out sooner or later," Lavi's voice sounded back.

I really didn't like the sound of this but what Kanda said next, I just couldn't hold it together. "Shut up! I'm not as open about being gay as you are! No don't touch me!"

I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. It was true, he was with Lavi, I could feel my whole exsistence shatter infront of me. I couldn't take it I ran to my room, wrote a quick note grabbed my things and left. I didn't grab timcampy, I didn't close my door, I didn't clean the mess I had made last night, and I didn't look back. I couldn't look back I knew if I had looked back I wouldn't have been able to leave. I had to leave being there with him killed me. I couldn't go on living there so I left. To go where, I didn't know I just left. Leaving Timcampy, the one who held my heart, and a note that read,

"To who ever reads this note,

I have run off and I shall not be coming back. I can not stand to be there any longer as the one thing that could bound me this mortal exsistance hates me. Do not look for me and if you see Yuu tell him, I'm sorry.

Allen"