Family Guy Meets Redneck Joe
A/N: This is a story about me visiting Family Guy. Please review. Comments & criticisms welcome. Thanks.
Chapter 1: Room For Rent
In the small town of Quahog, Rhode Island resided an ordinary family (by today's standards). The family was none other than the Griffin family. They were a family of six, and though they bickered a lot, they still enjoyed one another's company. The family members were Peter, the father, Lois, the mother, Meg, the daughter, Chris, the older son, Stewie, the evil toddler son, and Brian, the family dog that could talk and speak perfect English.
One summer afternoon, the Griffins were in the living room watching television except for Peter. He was expected to arrive home soon, though. He worked from 9:00 in the morning 'till 3:00 in the afternoon.
Peter opened the door and sat down on the couch with Lois, Brian, and Stewie to watch TV. "Hey, guys," Peter said. "I bought something that you're all really gonna love."
"What is it?" Lois asked.
"It's in the backyard. Follow me," Peter said. Everyone got off the couch and followed Peter into the backyard. "Ta-da!" Peter yelled. Everyone looked up in shock. Before their eyes, they saw a large mountain of used tires. They smelt, and they towered over the house. It was a big eyesore.
"Tires, Peter?" Brian asked.
"Oh, yeah. They're fun to play around in, ya know. I even invited Cleveland, and Quagmire to play in the tires," Peter said.
Suddenly, Cleveland burst out from the tires about 20 feet up. He wore a pot on his head and had a garden rake in his hand. Apparently he was supposed to be some sort of soldier. "Die, Quagmire!" he bellowed.
Quagmire burst from under the tires closer to the ground. He, too, was wearing a pot and held a garden rake. "Giggity giggity giggity!" he shouted. He turned to Peter. "Hey, Peter, I brought a friend over in the pile. I hope you don't mind," Quagmire said.
"Oh, no, Glen, I don't mind. The more the merrier!" Peter said. At that instant, a hot naked blonde popped out through the tire hole.
Quagmire stared at her. "Heh heh…ALRIGHT!"
Lois turned to Peter. "Peter, why do we really need a bunch of worn-out tires in our lawn? And more importantly…how much did they cost?"
"Umm…well…Lois, promise you won't get mad?" Peter asked.
"I promise," Lois said.
"Ha! Your promises are about as strong as the Tacoma Narrows Bridge," Peter said.
(Flashback: Tacoma Narrows Bridge, 1940. Two men are standing on the bridge. It is shaking. The first man says, "This bridge is kinda shaky. Maybe we should get off as soon as possible." The second man says, "Nah, this thing always shakes. It's perfectly safe." The first man says, "Why do you say that?" The second man says, "'Cause the government told us that it's safe." The first man says, "Oh…right…good old government. The government's always right!" The bridge then collapses with both men screaming as they are about to fall into the river. Flashback ends.)
"Peter, I just wanna know how much all those useless tires you bought cost," Lois said.
"Umm…well, let's see…you're 40, right. So, now, if you add another four zeros to the end of that, you might have the final answer," Peter said.
"FOUR-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! You spent four-hundred thousand dollars on TIRES!" Lois shouted.
"Yeah, who wouldn't?" Peter said. Lois growled and gave Peter a hard punch on the nose. "OW, Lois, easy!" Peter said.
"Peter, we don't even HAVE $400,000! How are we going to pay for those tires?"
"Umm…maybe we could donate the kids to science. I mean, look at Chris. He's so fat that he'd be real easy to dissect," Peter said.
"Mom!" Chris whined.
"It's okay, Chris. Peter, we're not donating the kids," Lois said. "Why don't you just get rid of the damned tires?"
"No way!" Peter said. "They're freakin' awesome!"
"Why don't we take a second mortgage?" Brian suggested.
"We can't do that! We're barely able to afford our first! Besides, I feel so stupid having to take out a second mortgage over TIRES," Lois said.
Cleveland climbed down from the tire mountain. "I couldn't help but hear your predicament. I have a suggestion. Why don't you make a room for rent? You could make some money and also get to know more people," he said.
"Hey, that's a great idea, Cleveland!" Peter said. He turned to Lois. "Lois, it's official. We're making a room for rent!"
"But we don't even have any free rooms," Lois said. "Besides…I don't know about opening our house to total strangers. There's a whole bunch of weirdos out there. You never know who's coming inside!"
"Relax, Lois," Peter said. "We don't use the basement that much. Plus, we've got a tractor down there, too. There's also a washer, a drier, a box, another box, and yet another box, and another box, and…I think there's another box, and –"
"Peter! We get it! Yes, there are a lot of boxes in the basement!" Lois said.
"Lois, why don't we just move some of the stuff to the side of the basement until the person's done renting the room?" suggested Brian.
"Good idea, Brian," Lois said.
"Thanks again, Cleveland," Peter said. Then, he and the Griffins went back inside. Cleveland turned back to the tire mountain, and he saw Quagmire naked on top of the naked blonde. "Quagmire, do you really have to do that in public?"
"Heh heh…ALRIGHT!" Quagmire said.
Inside, the Griffins were in the basement moving boxes to the sides of the walls. Stewie was looking through some of the boxes and found one of his old ray guns. "Oh yes…I remember this baby. I almost killed Lois with it…but it broke down before I could use it, and I never was able to fix it." Stewie sighed and put it back in the box.
Meg walked up to Lois. "Hey, Mom, where is the boarder going to sleep? There's not a bed down here."
"I think we have a cot down here someplace," Lois said. "Would you mind looking for it?"
"Sure, Mom," Meg said, leaving to look for the cot.
Peter left the basement to post a sign on the front lawn. The sign said, "ROOM FOR RENT…$950 a month." Then, Peter went back inside the house. He then went back out and hammered down another sign that said, "No Communists, Fascists, Whiggers, Goths, Geeks, or Total Morons." Peter giggled and went back to the basement.
"Here's the cot, Mom," Meg said.
"Thanks, honey," Lois said, unfolding the cot and placing it by the stairs.
"Wow, the basement looks great," Peter said. "It almost looks like a penthouse. I wish I were the boarder here."
"Peter, are you crazy? It's still a bit musty," Lois said.
"Everything's been an illusion to him since the time he got drunk with gasoline," Brian said.
(Flashback: Gas station, two weeks ago. The car is by a pump, and Peter placed the nozzle into the car. He then walked over to another pump while the other one was filling the car. Peter then placed the other nozzle in his mouth and began to drink the gas. "Hmm, this is a funny tasting beer," he said. Then, he instantly collapsed in the ground and passed out. He woke up several hours later at night. The gas from his car had overflowed, and the nozzle was still injecting gas. Peter looked up at the glowing gas station sign with the outrageously high prices. "Wow…" Peter commented. "Gas prices sure are dirt cheap." Flashback ends.)
"I put a sign out there. I hope we can get some boarders here soon," Peter said.
"Me too, Peter. I'm still mad at you for buying all those tires," Lois said.
"Okay, okay, fine, no sex for you tonight!" Peter said.
"What was that?" Lois asked.
"Nothing," lied Peter.