"A collection of Hae Soos last smiles"
She wakes up lying next to him in his quarters; they had apparently fallen asleep talking ;she knows that she should hasten back to the Damiwon before her absence is discovered,but unable to stop herself,she smiles, reaching out to trace the thin scars surrounding his left eye. She loves him. She had made the mistake of resisting her feelings in the beginning, but they are now past that. She wishes for many more moments like this.
The canoe rocks slowly. She is in his arms. His heart beats beneath her ear, reassuring her. She is convinced her visions are wrong. Even if they aren't, she'll make them be. He is too good inside to be the Gwangjong of her visions, who kills the 10th prince in cold blood & laughs maniacally over the corpse. He cannot be the king standing in front of rows of executed ministers, in a courtyard bathed with blood, malice in his eyes. That soft look, whenever he turns her way,can never be replaced with one so alien. If, as he had said, she was his, then she will make sure that he stays hers. He will stay her tree loving Wang so, who hates the violence he is constantly forced to engage in, who never relishes it. She will stay by his side, loving him, always. He will never lose himself because she won't let him. The same way he stood by her in the rain, throwing his future away for her. The same way he came for her in the gyobang, when she was losing hope. The same way he threw himself in the way of a flying arrow to protect her. In the same way, she will protect him.
The clouds part above them, as sunlight falls on their faces.
"Soo yah"
"Yes"
"Let's stay for a while longer"
"Ye Pyeha"
"Pyeha"
"Ssh soo"
She tells him what she should have told him long ago
"I love you"
They are together in their little room. They eat together, feeding each other & arguing in jest. She is the 1rst concubine, but aside from her walks to lake Dongji for prayer she stays within the confines of their chambers, reading, experimenting with herbs, waiting for him. He comes everyday, and they are happy together. King Taejo's last words had been "life is fleeting" ; she knew this all too well,of course. According to Ji Mong, she only has 10 more years in this time. She will make the best of them,will love him as much as she wants, without reservation, for the time she has left, will be happy, as long as she is with him.
Her time has been shortened again, now barely a year left. She would feel cheated, if not for the fact that she is with child. She knows for a fact that she will not live to see it grow. Still,she is relieved she is leaving him someone to love, to light up his darkness when she is no longer with him, is elated that a part of them both is growing inside her, her only gift to him. She must hide it from him, till her bump begins to show through her clothes. He will attempt to terminate her pregnancy as soon as he hears the physicians opinion, will want to sacrifice their child to save her. She will not lose another person she loves, even if she has to forfeit her life. He will understand her, one day.
She tells him when they leave the palace secretly in the evening, to let lanterns loose in the sky, the day of the fall festval. She asks him for his hand & he complies, eyebrows raising in question as she places it against her stomach; he laughs, realisation in his eyes. He lifts her up and swings her around, putting her down and smiling sheepishly after, apologising for not being considerate toward her condition. They walk hand in hand to lake Dongji, where they stand, praying for their future together, his arms around her.
She holds the sharp end of her hairpin to her throat, backing away from him, the decree of the last king in her hands : it is her child's last hope.
He screams, and her heart constricts, feeling his anguish; she sinks to the floor, fist pounding against her chest, as she tries to breathe.
"You said you would never leave me"
He throws his arm over the long dressing table, sending the makeup & soap she had made recently crashing to the floor, leaning against it as he falls to his knees.
"I am so sorry"
He turns around quickly, alarm evident in his eyes, his own pain forgotten,sweeping her into his arms & laying her slowly, almost reverently, onto the bed.
She wants to console him, but can't seem to form the words,as her heart continues to twist painfully inside her .She gasps, hitting her chest again, wanting it to stop for a minute, so she can tell him not to panic.
He calls for the physician, holding her hand, tears streaming down his face.
She must say it now.
"You will have to choose between me living my last months here or at the 14th princes house"
"You really mean to abandon me as well?"
" I have lost so many people"
Her palm is sticky with his tears, but she knows she must stay calm, & finnish what she has to say.
" I have seen so much death, and it has ruined my body; the grief and fear, all of it, has crippled me"
"I failed to protect you"
She hooks a finger underneath his chin, making him look at her.
" You gave me life after I had decided to fade away, wangjanim,you came for me again and again"
Cradling his face in her hands, she leans forward, touching his forehead to hers.
" I love you more then I love life, and that is something I cannot help, anymore then you could stop yourself from throwing your future away by standing by my side in the rain the day I lost lady oh."
He has stilled, listening to her, and she takes this opportunity to wipe away his tears with her sleeve.
" I will die if I lose this baby."
"Don't talk about your own death so carelessly"
he says, standing, turning from her, signalling the end of the conversation.
She leans forward, grabbing his hand, desperate;
"My heart will not be able to reconcile itself with the loss, I will die anyway,at least let me leave you something to remember me by!"
She sags, spent from the exchange; "Please" she begs him, not letting go.
Perhaps he hears the resignation in her voice then, for in the next second he has taken her into his arms again.
" I won't lose you" he assures her & maybe himself as well, as she sobs into the front of his robes.
" I will get every doctor from here to Japan if I have to, but I will not let you go, so let's never talk about dying again, ok sooyah? "
She nods, hiccuping.
" I'm tired Pyeha" she says, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands.
" So let's sleep together then, huh? I'm free for the evening"
A soft snore is his answer.
Soel is born on a beautiful spring morning, & it is like the 'when' is a gift from a diety sympathetic to the intense battle that is Hae Soo's during labour. The baby has her mothers brown eyes and her fathers black hair. They gaze down at her together, & she feels complete ,even as her heart continues to give away inside her. She has accepted her fate, not wanting grief to overtake her last moments with them, her people.
She wonders about the whereabouts of the 13th prince & Woo hee. She smiles, perhaps they want to stay in Qing a while longer, away from everything. It seems she will have to call them back, does'nt it? The truth of her diseased heart will have to come out to her best friends now, to make sure Pyeha has someone to lean on once she is gone. It won't be long now.
"To his excellency, the 13th prince.
Pyeha has doctors examine me everyday, who all reach the same conclusion : that my remaining weeks are numbered, and few. I have a weak heart I never told you about.
The days have passed by for me, chingu; but I'm still smiling. I am sorry for leaving you , drinking partner. Take care of woo hee well , else I'll haunt you till the end of your days. I am sorry for telling you like this.I am dying, Beak ah nim & I will not be here upon your return.
I have a beautiful daughter who wants to see her uncle soon & Pyeha will need you more then ever now. I leave them in your hands. Live well, giving your wife,niece ,Pyeha & Jung much more love then they are due.
With love,
your sister in law
Hae soo"
"To the 14th prince
I am sorry Pyeha sent you away again ,because of me, but he will call you back in a little while.
I am going away on a long trip, the one we talked about when we last met by the prayer stones at lake Dongji. I may not return for a long time.
Please, you must take the first step in bridging the gap between you & Pyeha, alright? For my sake? Learn more about his life with those ghastly Kangs,try to understand him!
You grew up really well, wangjanim, and this friend of yours will always thank you for it. Do me a favour and be more careful when picking fights in the marketplace, alright? Try not to get very hurt while battling the Khitans. Take care of yourself, use the Bulgarian rose oil I recommended on your face,and for goodness sake, get married already! Have a baby boy just as cute as you are.
Visit your niece as often as you can.
With love,
Hae soo"
She smiles, watching him play with Seol. Their child. Her breaths are coming slower. She raises her hand, caressing his cheek.
"Pyeha"
He sees it in her eyes.
"Soo yah!"
"Pyeha, I want to hold Seol"
His eyes shining with unshed tears, he nods, smiling as he lays the infant in the crook of her arm. She rests against him as his hand comes up to support her arm from beneath & she hums contentedly, a sigh escaping her. She tilts her head , kissing him one last time, as she squeezes his hand with all the strength she can muster,as she looks him in the eye
"Be happy Pyeha"
"We will definitely-"
she has difficulty forming her last words
"Meet again"