Cyril must have done something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Let's face it, this would probably most likely happen.
Cyril's Revenge Take Two
"Bills, bills, bills…" Cyril was alone in his office late at night. "I hate my life. I have to stay here late at the office while everyone else is out having the time of their life… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BILL FOR?"
"Snorkeling equipment?" Cyril looked at the bill in shock. "Why am I getting an invoice for snorkeling equipment? Oh, looks like Archer managed to charge this bill to the company! Why would he even want snorkeling equipment in the first place?"
"On second thought, I don't want to know."
"Oh and here's more bills Archer is responsible for!" Cyril grumbled. "The excise tax on his stupid car? Hospital bills? Overdue bar tabs? Damn it! Ms. Archer must be trying to sneak them into the expenses again! Lousy old cheapskate!"
"Even when he's in a coma, Archer manages to ruin my life!" Cyril seethed. "God damn it why doesn't he just die already?"
"I mean technically he could still die. For all kinds of reasons. Maybe heart failure? Or some kind of tumor or brain aneurism? Maybe one of his weird venereal diseases will mutate further and turn his body into a pound of rotting flesh?"
"Still that's unlikely. So Archer's just lying there oblivious to everything around him. Completely helpless. Unable to fight back…Hang on."
"I'm not the only one who hates Archer. Archer's made enemies all over the world," Cyril realized something. "People who probably wouldn't hesitate to get their revenge and kill him while he's in a coma. In a hospital with medium security. I mean I bet almost anyone could just waltz right in and…Huh."
"I mean that's pretty probable, right?" Cyril said to himself. "Very probable. And if Archer died that means he's never coming back. Especially if I make sure he's cremated before Krieger gets his creepy Nazi robot loving hands on him."
"And it would be very easy to let that information slip if it hasn't already," Cyril realized. "Oh but that's horrible. That's low. I mean even Archer doesn't deserve…Who am I kidding? Of course he does!"
"This could work," Cyril realized. "I mean Archer has so many enemies odds are one of them is willing to…And this way I wouldn't have to get my hands dirty. Or take the blame. Or a severe beating if either Ms. Archer or Lana find out."
"I wonder if there's such a thing as coma insurance? I mean insurance for not getting killed while you're in a coma? I should look into that. It could be a way to make some money for my secret account."
"Oh this opportunity is just too good to be true!" Cyril realized. "But am I really willing to let Archer be assassinated? Yes. I am. Just checking."
"I will have my revenge on Archer once and for all!" Cyril whooped aloud. "HA HA HA HA!"
Then he stopped and paused. "Technically I got revenge the first time was when I locked him up in the dungeon when I became dictator of San Marcos. I knew I should have paid extra for fast delivery on those scorpions! Eh. Live and learn."
"Now what was the name of that website…? Oh right. Of course. I Hate Archer Dot Alt Net. Yeah…" Cyril had a look in his eyes as he left the office. "Oh yeah this will be good…Heh, heh…"
Two days later…
Nearly the entire office was watching TV in the bullpen. Cyril walked in with Mallory. Mallory remarked. "It's so good to see you people do something productive today! And in case you dullards didn't catch that, that was sarcasm. Because you idiots are obviously not doing anything!"
"We're watching the news," Pam said. "Check this out!"
"Violence erupted at Memorial Hospital today," Darlene Love spoke on camera in front of a hospital with police cars in the background. "Where seven gunmen caused a massive shootout in a waiting room at this hospital."
"Isn't that the hospital where Archer is?" Ray realized.
"Oh my God!" Lana gasped.
"What?" Mallory gasped.
"Authorities have identified the gunmen from not one," Darlene reported. "But three different organizations. The Irish mob from New York City…"
"Just say New York," Mallory rolled her eyes.
"The terrorist group Shining Path," Darlene went on. "And two radicals from the Free Nova Scotia group. None of the shooters survived so police have no idea what their motives were for fighting each other."
"In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it," The police chief of LA said in an interview. "Three different kinds of terrorists from three different organizations with nothing in common just show up, get in an argument in a hospital waiting room and start shooting at each other. I've seen the tapes and I still can't believe it."
"Neither do I," Cyril groaned. "Un-freaking believable!"
"Why would assassins from Shining Path, the Irish Mob and Free Nova Scotian radicals all go to a hospital?" Mallory asked. "At the same time?"
"Unless…?" Lana realized.
"Archer!" Ray gasped. "They were there to assassinate Archer!"
"AAAAHHH!" Mallory screamed in horror.
"They must have all met up at the same time in some weird coincidence…" Lana realized. "Figured out they were all there for the same reason. And then probably got into an argument about who would kill him!"
"The dumb stupid insane luck," Cyril groaned. "Guess they don't make assassins like they used to."
"How the hell would they know what happened to Sterling?" Mallory gasped.
"Uh the news would be a clue?" Cyril said.
"Yes, but they didn't say what hospital he was in or his room number or anything like that!" Lana said. "How would they know where to go?"
"Well technically they could have hacked into the entire hospital system of LA," Krieger said. "Used a back-door encryption combined with hospital records…"
"That's probably how," Cyril said.
"Krieger went on. "Or it's more likely someone told them."
"What?" Cyril gave Krieger a look.
"It's possible someone fed them the information about Archer's condition," Krieger shrugged. "You know? In order to get rid of Archer."
"Who would do that to Sterling?" Mallory gasped.
"Who wouldn't do that to Archer is the better question," Ray remarked. "Man's made a lot of enemies."
"The CIA?" Cyril suggested hopefully.
"They were too lazy to even assassinate one of their own!" Mallory snapped.
"Exactly!" Cyril said quickly. "You know they hate us all! Especially Slater."
"Who especially hates Archer," Lana said. "I wouldn't put it past him."
"No, this doesn't feel like the CIA," Mallory shook her head. "Call it spymaster's intuition but it doesn't feel like one of their schemes. It seems more…amateurish. More random. More like someone saw an opportunity and seized it."
Cyril thought fast. "Cheryl when was the last time you were on your computer?"
"I don't know," Cheryl shrugged. "A couple of days ago. Why?"
"You don't think…?" Pam gasped. "Cheryl wouldn't…Hang on. She would."
"Would what?" Cheryl asked. "What?"
"Krieger…" Mallory ordered.
"Hey what are you doing at my computer?" Cheryl snapped as Krieger grabbed it and started to look through it.
"Checking your browser history and…" Krieger looked. "Oh yeah. You were on that I Hate Archer site again weren't you?"
"What? There's a lot of funny death threats to Mr. Archer!" Cheryl said.
"She didn't," Lana groaned.
"She did," Krieger groaned. "There's her post."
"Hey idiot assassins," Lana read. "If you want to kill Archer he's in a coma in Memorial Hospital Room 305. Now's your chance to get rid of him. This isn't from Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt."
"What?" Cheryl protested. "It said it wasn't from me!"
"Cheryl! How could you?" Cyril made a show of being horrified.
"You little snitch!" Ray snapped.
"Bad! Bad Cheryl!" Cyril snapped. "Bad! Bad! Bad Cheryl!"
"But I don't remember doing that!" Cheryl protested.
"Then how do you explain this post written in your particular style of vernacular?" Cyril drove the point home.
"I don't remember!" Cheryl shouted. "And what's vernacular?"
"You don't even remember your name half the time!" Mallory snapped.
"That's true," Cyril nodded.
"You have a point," Cheryl blinked. "Again what's vernacular?"
"How could you?" Cyril snapped for dramatic effect.
"I guess I was drunk and I just started typing after going into my favorites list…" Cheryl began.
"Not how did you use the computer, you idiot!" Mallory snapped. "How could you betray Sterling like that?"
"I guess I thought it might be funny?" Cheryl started to giggle. "And it kind of is…"
"Whose turn is it?" Mallory sighed.
"Mine," Ray said. Then he slapped Cheryl repeatedly.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Cheryl snapped. Ray slapped her one more time. "OW!"
"Thank you!" Mallory groaned. "But now we have a problem."
"A problem?" Cyril indicated Cheryl.
"Alright a different problem," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Sterling's life is in danger!"
"Technically his life was already in danger," Cyril corrected. "You know? From the shooting, drowning and coma."
"Cyril, we need to hire security in order to protect Sterling," Mallory said.
"Maybe changing his room wouldn't be a bad idea?" Lana suggested.
"Yes! A better room with better security and we can charge it to the agency!" Mallory agreed.
"We can't afford to spend extra money to protect Archer!" Cyril snapped.
"Correction," Mallory glared at him. "We can't afford not to spend extra money to protect my son!"
"I don't freaking believe it," Cyril groaned.
"I'll pay for most of it, as usual!" Mallory snapped. "You just contribute something for I don't know…credit or whatever. It's a legitimate expense!"
"Yeah don't we have some kind of health insurance now?" Pam spoke up.
"I was hoping you'd forget about that," Cyril groaned.
"Cyril…" Mallory glared.
"Fine! I'll go make some calls and see what I can do!" Cyril stormed away. "THANKS A LOT CHERYL!"
"You're welcome!" Cheryl said cheerfully. Everyone glared at her. "What?"
"I wonder if there's a way to prove Cheryl is clinically brain dead?" Lana grumbled. "Not like it would be hard."
"I wonder what Barry's e-mail is?" Cyril grumbled under his breath.