The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is at a protest somewhere. This insane thought came into my mind from watching the news. I really do have weird ideas people.
Pam On The March
"I can't get out of the damn garage!" Mallory stormed over to the rest of the agents in the bullpen. Most of them were sitting down reading magazines.
"It usually helps if you push the button that opens the garage," Cheryl said as she chewed some gum.
"That's not why Gumby!" Mallory snapped. "There is a huge crowd of idiots blocking the street."
"I was wondering what all that shouting was about," Krieger remarked.
"I only came into work to check on you lazy slackers," Mallory fumed. "I was about to go to the hospital only to find out that I can't because a herd of bare breasted bimbos are roaming around outside. Like buffalo looking for a place to graze."
"WHAT?" Cyril did a double take.
"They're topless?" Pam gasped. "Topless women are outside?"
"A whole sea of nipples as far as the eye can see," Mallory snapped.
To this Cyril, Krieger, Pam and Cheryl nearly knocked each other over running to the window. "OUTTA MY WAY!" Pam whooped.
"MOVE IT!" Cyril agreed.
"Should have known that would be the one thing that would get them off the couch," Mallory groaned. Then she noticed Ray was still on the couch reading a magazine. "Well most of them…"
"I'll get up when there's a reason to get up," Ray told her.
"Ray help me corral the idiots here," Lana ordered.
"That's a reason," Ray admitted, closing his magazine with a sigh.
Soon everyone was at the window watching the protest. "Man Archer is going to be pissed he missed this," Krieger looked very happy. He took out his phone to film the protest.
"I know, right?" Cyril had a happy grin on his face.
"Holy bra-snaps!" Pam whooped. "Titties as far as the eye can see! WHOO!"
"Like we don't see enough of that around here," Ray clucked his tongue.
"Exactly!" Mallory agreed. "Why are those women baring their breasts like some drunken French whores?"
"Maybe Charlie Sheen is having some kind of casting call?" Pam quipped.
"No," Lana realized. "I remember reading about something like this. It's a breastfeeding protest. But I had no idea they'd have one here!"
"Why is there a breastfeeding protest in front of our agency?" Mallory asked.
"Technically they're not protesting us," Lana pointed. "They're protesting that building across the street."
"The Burrito Barn?" Cyril blinked.
"No, the other building across the street!" Lana pointed. "Associated International Bank."
"Okay am I just stupid or…?" Mallory began.
"No just old," Cheryl interrupted. "Old and stupid."
"You're going to be dead and stupid if you keep that up!" Mallory warned Cheryl. "Again…Why are these women taking off their tops to protest a bank? I don't get it."
"Apparently, there was an incident at one of the banks where an employee wanted to breast feed her child but wasn't allowed anywhere other than the bathroom and she got fired," Lana explained.
"Wait, you knew about this?" Mallory snapped. "And you didn't warn me this could happen?"
"Some detective, right?" Cheryl scoffed.
"There are at least seventeen different AI bank locations in the city of Los Angeles!" Lana snapped. "I just assumed it would be in front of one of those other ones!"
"It's just beautiful," Krieger grinned as he looked out. "So beautiful."
"God I love America," Cyril nodded.
"Me too," Pam grinned.
"Of all the stupid things I have seen in this stupid state…" Mallory grumbled.
"It's not stupid for working mothers to want rights for themselves and the well-being of their children!" Lana barked. "Although I do agree with you on how they are expressing themselves."
"What are you against freedom of expression now?" Cyril snapped at Lana.
"YEAH!" Pam and Krieger agreed.
"I think this is a very powerful statement," Cyril said.
"I think you're a pervert," Lana glared at him.
"You women of today are such spoiled little whiny brats!" Mallory snapped. "In my day, a mother was lucky to even get a job period! And half the time she had to hide the fact that she was a mother! And that was only to do laundry or waitress or some other menial task!"
"Said the woman who created her own illegal spy agency," Lana gave her a look.
"Exactly!" Mallory snapped. "Look I'm all for motherhood and women's rights…"
"You are?" Cheryl asked in disbelief.
"But the truth is," Mallory went on. "If you love your child you have to put that child first over a career."
"Again, from the woman who abandoned her son," Lana said. "With a heroin addicted servant so she could create her own spy agency!"
"I didn't do anything Mildred Pierce didn't do!" Mallory protested. "Except for the fact that instead of a restaurant I created a spy agency."
"And instead of serving pies," Ray added. "You killed people."
"Ironically," Cyril realized. "Both had vain spoiled children that killed people."
"I'm just saying," Mallory said. "These working single mothers aren't thinking! How is this supposed to get them a man? Seriously?"
"It's about women's rights!" Cyril snapped. "And I for one support them!"
"Me too!" Krieger cheered.
"Power to the proletariat!" Cheryl cheered.
"I think we should support them by not working and watching the protest," Krieger grinned.
"I second the motion," Cyril grinned. "And as the head of the agency I am officially allowing it!"
"Democracy in action bitches!" Pam whooped.
"Pass," Ray said as he walked away.
"I'm with her," Mallory agreed as she followed him. "Come on Ramona, let's see if we can find something better to watch. Since I'm going to be stuck here a while…"
"I have a copy of Magic Mike XXL on DVD," Ray told her.
"I've been meaning to watch that," Mallory said. "But I never found the time."
"Now's a good a time as any," Ray told her.
"Can't argue with that," Mallory admitted.
"Unbelievable," Lana groaned. "Watching a topless protest instead of doing…Well there's no work to be done. But still…"
"She's right," Pam nodded. "We should be part of the protest! CHARGE!"
"No! Nooooope!" Lana protested as Pam, Krieger and Cheryl ran off. "Cyril stop them!"
"Sorry Lana," Cyril apologized. "I left my elephant tranquillizer gun at home!"
"You're just going to stand there and watch topless women all day?" Lana asked. "What am I saying? That's pretty much what you do every day!"
"You know…?" Cyril glared at her before turning his attention back to the protesters. "Wow, there are a lot of really good looking mothers out there."
"Yes, and you don't even have to pay Internet fees to see them," Lana quipped.
"Oh, give it a rest Mallory Junior!" Cyril snapped. "You were allowed to breastfeed at the office."
"Only because you perverts wanted to see my breasts!" Lana barked. "Why do you think I only breast fed AJ at home?"
"Archer's idea," Cyril said quickly.
"Gasp," Lana said in a deadpanned tone.
"OUTTA THE WAY!" Pam's voice was heard. "RELEASE THE BEASTS!"
"And now Pam has joined the protest," Cyril sighed. "Funny how you can pick them out in a crowd."
"You're right…" Lana blinked. "They are pretty hard to miss."
"Give my tits liberty or death bitches!" Pam whooped.
"Where did she get that flag?" Lana did a double take.
"I think Krieger has a whole storage of them in his lab or something," Cyril sighed.
"What is on that flag?" Lana did a double take. "Is that a pair of breasts on a…? Why would Krieger…?"
"I don't know and I don't care," Cyril sighed. "Sometimes it's just easier to ignore what goes on in Krieger's lab."
"Well we can't ignore that…" Lana pointed.
"To me my sisters!" Pam whooped as she stood on top of a car waving her flag. "Especially my hot sisters who want a good time!"
"It's Poovey leading the people," Cyril quipped.
"SUCK IT EUGENE DELECROIX" Pam whooped. "Marianne got nothing on me!"
"YES! SOLIDARITY NOW!" Krieger whooped. He had taken off his shirt and was twirling around his lab coat over his head.
"Followed by Krieger in the rear," Lana rolled her eyes.
"Phrasing!" Ray called out.
"Stop that!" Lana shouted at him.
"BIG BREASTED BROADS RULE BITCHES!" Pam whooped.
"Okay so this film isn't exactly Citizen Kane?" Mallory was heard. "But this movie does have its appeal."
"You have to give the choreographer credit for the dance scenes," Ray added.
"I do," Mallory agreed. "Fred Astaire would be jealous of some of these moves."
"And those abs," Ray added.
"Speaking of jealousy…" Lana groaned.
"HEY! HEY!" Cheryl was on the street now. "YOU BITCHES THINK YOU'RE HOT STUFF! LOOK AT THESE! LOOK AT MY BREASTS!"
"And here comes Cheryl…" Cyril groaned. "As if this wasn't crazy enough."
"MY BREASTS ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF YOURS!" Cheryl was heard shouting.
"Only Cheryl would turn a protest into a vanity project," Lana groaned.
"Well that's an inventive way to pay for gas," Mallory was heard.
"I'd accept that currency," Ray agreed.
"Me too," Mallory agreed.
"Hey Siskell and Ebert!" Cyril snapped. "Will you cut out the commentary? We have a problem here!"
"We have a problem all right," Ray said. "We don't have any popcorn or snacks."
"We're gonna have to go with a liquid lunch," Mallory spoke up.
"You read my mind," Ray said. The sounds of glasses clinking was heard.
"It's blowing my mind how much those two are getting along," Cyril remarked as he looked back at Ray and Mallory.
"I think it's a combination of boredom and the drugs," Lana explained. "Speaking of which…"
"My breasts are better than yours!" Cheryl was heard. "And yours. And yours…Ugh! Hey Saggy Tits! Ever hear of a bra?"
"OW! OW! OW!" Krieger screamed as he was beaten viciously by several bare breasted women. "I wasn't taping you to put you on some kind of porn website! I swear! I'm just a fan of breasts! It was for personal…OWWWW!"
"I'm prettier than you! I'm prettier than you!" Cheryl taunted. "SUCK IT LOSERS! Especially you Saggy Tits!"
"I'm actually into this!" Krieger was heard. "OWWWWW!"
"I say we burn this bank to the ground!" Pam whooped.
"YES BURN IT!" Cheryl squealed. "Obviously Saggy Tits knows how to burn a bra so…"
That's when the violence started to escalate. Some of the crowd turned on Cheryl, Krieger and each other while the rest started to get wild in the street.
"Now they're turning over cars in the street!" Cyril gasped.
"That's why we park in a garage," Mallory called out.
"Ooh! That one woman is choking Cheryl!" Lana shouted.
"I am so…Into this!" Cheryl coughed.
"OWWW! OWWW! Still into this!" Krieger called out. "OWWW!"
"And here comes the riot police," Lana groaned.
"Phrasing," Ray called out.
"Seriously?" Lana barked.
"I'll get the checkbook for the bail money," Cyril groaned as he walked away.
"I need to get a new career," Lana groaned. "And new friends."