Beautiful Disaster

by Peggy Sawyer

Tonks is in love with Remus, but he can't let himself love her. Here's the love story inside of HPB, the love of a Metamorphagi and a Werewolf. Set to Kelly Clarkson's song Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams

an exquisite extreme I know

he's as damned as he seems

and more heaven than a heart could hold...

x x x

"Well, I think we showed him."

Tonks couldn't help but smirk at Mad-Eye as his magical eye rolled to the back of his head to watch the large, beefy man who had come to pick up Harry. He smiled when he saw the man turn a vivid shade of purple when his nephew led the way to his car. Apparently, he didn't fancy trailing behind such a freak he had for a relative.

"I think the talk went rather well," said Arthur Weasley, who was also watching Harry disappear into the crowd. "It could've been a lot worse."

"Oh, what's a Muggle to do?" said Mad-Eye. "He wouldn't be so tough with a few silent spells attached to his-"

"Thank you, Mad-Eye, I don't think I need a visual," said Tonks with a grimace. Mad-Eye scowled at her.

Remus, who was standing to the side, chuckled at Tonks's remark. She flashed him a smile, trying to ignore the pleasant tingling in the pit of her stomach. He hadn't cracked a smile in days, and it made Tonks feel rather special that it had been her to make the corners of his lips turn up instead of the Weasley twins' cruel imitations of the way the large man who picked up Harry waddled when he walked.

Who was she kidding? It made her feel practically giddy.

Tonks laughed at the twins and turned to see Hermione, who had finally found her parents. Her father, a tall, older looking man with a kind face, held her trunk. Her mother, almost the identical twin of her daughter, was petting Crookshanks. Hermione had her arms around Ginny, saying goodbye, as Ron stood awkwardly beside them. He accepted Hermione's hug after Ginny's with a rather red face. Tonks gave him a small wink when he caught her eye over his best friend's shoulder and he turned, if possible, even redder. Tonks knew that Ron was absolutely smitten with his bushy-haired friend, and it was rather amusing to watch him try and hide any of the thousands of feelings he had for her.

Tonks turned to Remus, who had his hand on the solid barrier of Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. He was gazing at the brick, a far-off look in his eyes. Tonks lightly punched his shoulder.

"Knut for your thoughts, Remus?" she asked.

Remus looked at her for a moment and shook his head, giving her a twisted smile as he did so.

"Nothing important," he said, but Tonks knew better.

"Remus, I need to talk to you," she said seriously. "I know you're hurting as much as I am, but..."

She paused, glancing at him for a reaction. He kept his face quite impassive, however.

"I just need someone to talk to," she finished. Then an idea popped into her head. "Mind if I pop by your flat a little later?"

Remus nodded, smiling.

For some odd reason, Tonks felt like giggling.

"Hey Moody!" said George, approaching the scarred Auror with Fred at his heels. "Remember when you taught us wandless magic?"

"I remember receiving a thorough telling-off from Molly, but yes, continue lads."

"We just put it to good use," said Fred.

"Did you?" said Moody, reaching for his hip-flask.

The twins nodded in unison and George pulled a patch of thick, silver hair from behind his back. Mad-Eye looked at it over his flask and choked on his drink as a look of comprehension dawned on his face.

"The man wears a toupe'?" he asked, wiping his mouth and returning his flask to his belt.

"Toupe'?" said Mr. Weasley, confused. "What's a toupe'?"

"It's what Muggle men wear when they don't want anyone to see they're bald," said Fred, shaking with suppressed laughter.

Mad-Eye started at the clump of hair and burst out laughing. Tonks nearly jumped a foot in the air in shock. That was something she never thought she'd see before.

"Bravo, lads, bravo!" wheezed Mad-Eye, wiping his non-magical eye of tears. "Wonderful use of silent magic! Not a whisper out of either of you!"

The twins looked smugly pleased with themselves. Tonks rolled her eyes but laughed as well.

x x x

And if I try to save him

my whole world could cave in

it just ain't right

no it just ain't right...

x x x

Tonks remembered the night of his death perfectly.

She was at headquarters when she and some of the other Order members received a message from Snape: Voldemort was in the Department of Mysteries, along with a handful of his followers and six very brave and stupid teenagers. Tonks didn't need to know who the teens were; she already knew.

Wherever there was Voldemort, there was bound to be Harry.

Her, Kingsley and Remus Apperated there immediately. Harry, apparently, had some dream that his godfather was being tortured to death. Tonks would've believed it (after the vision of the snake and Arthur), but Sirius was in the same room as her when they got the message. It wasn't hard to figure out that Harry had been set up. Lupin practically had to beg Sirius to stay at headquarters; Sirius was halfway out the door when he heard the words "Harry" "The Dark Lord" and "The Department of Mysteries". Tonks's heart went out to her cousin, she knew how much he hated being cooped up in his old house. But they needed someone to stay behind incase anything else happened or if one of the kids tried to contact the Order. Besides, it wouldn't look too good if Sirius Black, the escaped convict and unfairly branded murderer was running around the Ministry of Magic like the madman he was claimed to be. It only made sense that he stayed. Remus told him with a serious tone to stay put and not to leave the house for anything. He knew his best friend only wanted to help (after all, Sirius was Harry's godfather), but he couldn't risk Sirius being captured by the Ministry - or worse, the Dementors.

Sirius never really was a good listener.

Tonks recalled bursting into the Department of Mysteries and finding Harry and a bleeding Neville cornered by five Death Eaters. Two she recognized: Lucious Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange. When they caught sight of three Aurors charging at them, wands at the ready, they immediately tried to run. Tonks Stunned one. The others were already through some of the many doors lined along the wall.

Bloody cowards.

It was a full-fledged battle after that. Somehow, all of them - the Death Eaters (there were more than five of them, apparently), Remus, Kingsley, Harry, Neville, an unconscious Hermione, and Tonks herself - managed to fight their way into the same room. Hexes were flying everywhere, rebounding off the walls and each other. Tonks managed to stun a Death Eater called Nott, and saw Kingsley taking on two men at once. Tonks didn't have time to be amazed at her partner's dueling ability; Remus yanked on her arm and pulled her down.

"Tonks, I need you to listen to me," he said, his eyes darting over her head incase any stray spells came to close. "Ginny, Luna and Ron are in the Knowledge of the World room-"

"You mean the one with the brains in the tank?" asked Tonks.

"Yes, that one. The three of them are waiting in there. From what I know, Ginny has a broken ankle and Ron sustained a few injuries from the brains; he tried to touch them."

Tonks's eyes went wide. She didn't know what the brains were for, but she did know how much damage they could do to someone curious and foolish enough to touch one. She hoped that Ron was able to get away before anything serious settled into his mind.

"I need you to go find them, Tonks," said Remus. "I need you to set up a Portkey and send them back to - GET DOWN!"

Before Tonks could do anything, Remus tackled her to the floor. A streak of red light went whizzing by them, missing the top of Remus's hair by inches. He looked around for a moment, then turned his head back to Tonks.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Tonks was about to say "Fine" when her brain registered how much of compromising position they were in. When Remus pushed her to the ground, he landed right on top of her. His face was very close to hers, and she could feel his breath on her cheeks. His fingers were gripping her upper arms and somehow her hands managed to wind themselves around his back.

Yes, for the moment she was perfectly fine.

Tonks blushed and shook her head. There were more pressing matters to deal with. The battle raging around them, for example, and the fact that she couldn't breathe - Remus's chest had temporarily cut off her air supply.

"I'm ok, but you're crushing me," she said.

Remus rolled off her and helped her up. He grabbed her shoulders, and looked her dead in the eye.

"Find them, Tonks, Kingsley and I will be alright here for the moment. More members of the Order are on their way, Dumbledore as well."

"Dumbledore?" Tonks gasped.

"Yes, he should be here shortly," said Remus, pulling her out of the way of another spell. "Go, Tonks, find Ginny, Luna and Ron and set up a Portkey back to headquarters. Sirius will be waiting for them."

"Okay," said Tonks, turning to leave, but Remus grabbed her wrist.

"And," he said, as Tonks faced him again. He looked right into her eyes and nodded. "Be careful."

Tonks didn't say a word, but she threw her arms around him in a quick hug.

"You too," she whispered, and with that, she ran toward one of the doors.

But out of the corner of her eye, she caught a black haired witch sneaking quietly and unnoticed by anyone but Tonks out of the commotion. Tonks looked at the door she was in front of and then back at the witch. She made up her mind in a second, and sprinted, as fast as she could, towards the witch.

"Where do you think you're going, Aunt Bella?"

Bellatrix, who had her hand on the door she was in front of, turned around slowly. She gave Tonks a long look, and cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, well, well, look who it is. My dear niece Nymphadora. You're all grown up I see! Dear, dear, how time flies..."

"Yes, it must fly so fast when you're sitting in a cell in Azkaban," said Tonks, smiling sweetly.

Bellatrix smiled back. "Indeed. You seemed to have acquired the Black sense of humor, Nymphadora."

"I don't go by that name anymore, Auntie," said Tonks. "It's Tonks."

"Tonks? The last name of the Muggle man my disowned sister married?"

"The one and the same."

"I always thought little Andromeda was a bit of a disappointment. It seems you're going down the same road, dear niece-,"

"- And proud of it." Tonks raised her wand and leaned her weight on her back foot. "But why waste time chatting? Lets finish what we started before you were thrown into Azkaban."

"Yes lets," said Bellatrix, drawing her own wand, confidence gleaming in her eyes. "I haven't forgotten that little comment about my nose."

Tonks chuckled at the memory.

"Think it's funny, do you?" said Bellatrix, sounding a bit annoyed. "I'm sure you won't think it's funny when I'm through with you." She threw her long sheet of black hair out of her eyes and smiled scathingly. "Have at it."

"Have at it," said Tonks.

They stared at each other for a moment, then the duel began.

"Crucio!"

"Stupefy!"

"Avada Kedavera!"

"Expelliarmus!"

"SUCTEMSEMPRA!"

Tonks barely missed Bellatrix's last curse; she had to dive on the ground to avoid it. She

flicked her wand upward and thought: Pertrificus Totalus!

Instantly, Bellatrix's arms and legs sprang together. She swayed on the spot and fell flat on her pretty little face. Tonks laughed, finally getting revenge on the Aunt that caused her so much misery as a child.

"Auntie Bella, don't you know any other curses besides what I've already seen? It's getting rather old, you see."

Wrong thing to say.

Suddenly, Bellatrix swung her left leg out and tripped Tonks. She crashed to the floor and

felt her wrist snap. She bit back a cry of pain, her wand falling out of her limp fingers. Bellarix was standing, pointing her wand at Tonk's heart, circling her slowly.

Guess she knew the counter-curse for the Full-Body Bind. Tonks thought.

"Why yes, Tonks," she replied, saying the last word as though it gave her a bad taste in her mouth. "I do know one."

Taking a deep breath, she bellowed "OVULARUPTUTIA!"

The force of the curse was so strong, it actually blasted Tonks off the ground. She slammed into the wall and fell hard onto the floor, knocking the wind out of her. The next thing she felt was excruciating pain. Her lower abdomen was being ripped to shreds inside of her. She doubled over, trying to cry out, but she couldn't make a sound. Darkness was seeping around her eyes and the last thing she before she gave into the pain that was fighting to control her was her Aunt giving a cry of triumph.

She wasn't awake when Sirius died.

Later on, she found out Bellatrix had killed him.

Tonks leaned her head on the door, her hand gripping the doorknob.

Now to tell Remus all this.

She was standing outside his house. It was a shabby sort of home. Shingles were missing from the roof and the paint on the window pains were chipping. The cobbled stone walkway leading to the front step was wet with the evening dew and weedy grass was growing between the cracks. There were bricks missing from the chimney. The sides were overgrown with bushes and a thick web of ivy was creeping it's way across the house; the whole right side was compleatly covered and it was starting to inch it's way up the chimney as well.

Tonks let her forehead rest on the door, closing her eyes as well. She thought about all she had to say, all that she needed to tell him. There was so much; the list started at Sirius's death. She hadn't confided in anyone how she felt, she hadn't shed a tear. But she needed to talk to someone who would understand. Someone who she could pour her soul into without fear of awkwardness, limitations or boundaries. She needed someone who really cared.

That someone was Remus.

Tonks lifted her head off the door and, before she could stop herself, knocked three times.

It only took a few moments for Remus to open the door; he was always quick with answering calls He smiled at Tonks and she felt her heart leap as she grinned back.

"Hello, Nymphadora," he said.

The grin was gone.

"It's Tonks, Remus, Tonks," she said, slightly cross. "I've told you about a million times-"

"-And yet I still manage to forget," Remus said, still smiling and he pulled her into a hug.

"Hello, Tonks," he said.

Tonks smiled into his chest.

"That's more like it."

Remus pulled away and moved aside to let her pass. She stepped inside, breathing in the air. Remus's house always smelled interesting, and Tonks could never figure out what it was. It was an odd mixture of gingerbread and morning dew, new parchment and old textbooks, and something intoxicating that could have been the night air itself. It was exotic, yet simple. It was a scent that could only be - well - Remus.

Tonks loved it.

She undid the clasp of her traveling cloak and felt a pair of warm hands slide it off her shoulders. Her heart did a flip-flop as she look over her shoulder and saw Remus hang her cloak on a coat hanger by the door.

"Thanks, Remus," she said.

Remus smiled in reply.

They both walked into the sitting room, where a warm fire danced in the bottom of the fireplace. The room was shabby, like the rest of the house, but it was clean as Remus could make it. Two book shelves sat on either side of the fireplace, crammed full of books. An ebony table, complete with two matching chairs, sat in the corner. There were several papers and books piled neatly on it. The couch facing the fire was a plain brown color, with crimson pillows to match. There was a Muggle broom sitting in the corner, several cobwebs caught in the bristles.

"I was cleaning before you arrived," Remus explained, gesturing toward the broom. Tonks smiled to herself. She knew Remus never used magic to clean. For whatever the reason, he preferred the Muggle way of cleaning.

"Can I get you some tea?" he offered.

"Yes, please," said Tonks.

Remus nodded and walked into the kitchen. Tonks settled herself on the couch, leaning on one of the pillows. The couch was warm and squishy, and she was reminded instantly of the armchairs in the Gryffindor common room.

Remus came back a few minutes later, carrying a tray laden with two steaming cups of tea and a small plate of cookies. He set in down on the couch between them before falling into the couch as well.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" he asked politely.

Tonks, who was half-way through a sip of tea, nearly choked.

That was fast, she thought.

"Um-," she started, after she gulped down her tea. "Well, I-I - uh...I-"

Remus looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"I've never heard you stutter before, Tonks."

She blushed pink like her hair and cleared her throat.

"I really - er - I... I really don't know where to start," she confessed truthfully. Remus gave her a small grin.

"You can tell me anything, Tonks. I'm not one to be afraid of... even if I seem a bit - er - wolfish at times."

Tonks laughed and to her amazement, it helped her calm her nerves.

"Its, um... it's like this," she said, her smile fading. "I guess I have to start with S-Sirius's death."

Just as she suspected, Remus stiffened and took a hasty drink of tea at the sound of Sirius's name. Tonks had an odd feeling that he had been suspecting she would ask this, but was hoping she wouldn't.

"I remember Dumbledore coming into St. Mungo's to see me. He told me what happened after - well, you know, I couldn't believe it."

She knew by the look on Remus's face that he didn't want to be discussing Sirius, but Tonks had to get it out. It would kill her if she didn't.

"Is he really gone, Remus? Half of me believes that if I just go to headquarters, he'll be there, kicking Kreacher out or feeding Buckbea-"

"Stop," said Remus suddenly. Tonks fell silent at the tone of his voice. He looked into the fire for a moment, then continued. "You have to understand where I stand. I don't like talking about Sirius -"

"Why Remus, why?" said Tonks, cutting him off. "You never talk about your feelings to anyone! You didn't seem like you cared when he died..."

"I cared very much, Tonks," Remus said quietly. "I don't like to show my emotions in public."

"Why?" Tonks asked.

Remus stared at her, as though trying to decide what to say, then he looked away.

"Sirius and I... we were very good friends in school. Not best friends, he and James were closer than he and I. When we left school, all of us - James, Sirius, Peter and I - promised to stay good friends. Then, James married Lily and everything changed. Sirius was the best man at their wedding, of course, and Peter and I were the other groomsmen - it was the last time the four of us would be together. After the wedding, Sirius and I became closer friends. James was busy starting a family, he didn't have time for his old school friends. Then, when the Potters were killed and Sirius was blamed, I felt like everything I knew, everything I believed in, was a lie. Twelve years later Sirius came back an innocent man. I found out that Peter was James's secret keeper and I felt left out, somehow. I felt like I was nothing to James - both Peter and Sirius had important roles in James's life. I felt alone, unimportant. When Sirius came back, the old friendship we had years before started to grow. By the time the Order was set up, we were best friends again. Then... Sirius died," At this Remus heaved a great sigh. "And my best friend was taken away from me. Again. This time, however, there isn't any hope to get him back; not in this lifetime, anyway."

Tonks's eyes were sparkling with tears. She'd had no idea - no idea... as if being a werewolf wasn't hard enough...now he had his best friend's death to cope with; two wounds that would never heal.

"Oh, Remus -" Tonks began, but he cut her off.

"Let me finish, Tonks. If you're under the impression that I don't care about Sirius, you're very wrong. I did cry over his death - just not in public. It's not as though I'm trying to appear though or strong, I just don't like for others to see me upset. I'm sure you understand."

Tonks did. She hadn't cried at all when her favorite cousin died. She barely cried in front of anyone - she didn't like to cry in front of anyone. It made her feel uncomfortable and she'd much rather do it alone where no one could judge her or point fingers. Even though she was with Remus, she hated the tears that were threatening to fall. She didn't want him to see her lose it.

"Bottom line is, when I talk about Sirius, I feel the tears come to my eyes. The only way to stop them is to not mention Sirius at all. In order not to cry in public, I choose to shy away from the subject of Sirius when it's brought up. That's all there is to it, Tonks, plain and simple."

"You're talking about Sirius now and you're not crying," Tonks pointed out.

"I'm fighting real hard to keep it in."

Remus said the last sentence without any anger or snap in his voice, he said it more like an explanation

They sat there in silence for what seemed like hours. Neither moved, but stared, almost unblinkingly, at the fire. It crackled lower and lower in the hearth before it was reduced to smoldering ashes. Remus checked his watch.

"It's late, Tonks. You should get home."

"But-"she started. She still had one last thing to tell him...

"Tonks, I'm sure anything else you have to ask me can wait until another time. Unless it's urgent, of course."

Tonks bit her lip and felt her heart drop. She couldn't tell him tonight. Tomorrow, maybe, but not tonight. It didn't seem right to ask him when they just got off such a sensitive issue.

Sighing, Tonks rose out of her seat. Remus got up as well, walking her to the door. She picked up her cloak from the coat rack and swung it around her, fastening it at the neck. Remus opened the door for her.

"Thanks for letting me over, Remus," she said.

"No, thank you," said Remus. "You're the first person I've talked to about Sirius. Besides Albus, of course."

Tonks nodded and smiled.

"I'm honored," she said

She flung her arms around him and gave him a quick hug.

"Take care of yourself," she whispered in his ear.

"And you, Tonks," he replied, chuckling as she pulled away.

"Bye, Remus."

"Goodbye."

Tonks walked out the door and onto the front steps. She began to make her way up the walkway, but something popped into her head. She spun around, relieved that he still had the door open.

"Remus?" she said.

"Yes?"

"He really was my favorite cousin."

Remus smiled.

"I know. Goodnight, Nymphadora."

Tonks cringed at the sound of her real name. But catching his grin, she decided to let it slide.

Just for tonight.

"Goodnight, Mooney," she said, snickering.

Remus raised his eyebrows at her, but looked amused all the same. On that note he closed the door. Tonks grinned to herself before striding up the rest of the driveway and Dissapearating at the end of it.

x x x

Oh cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster...

x x x

It wasn't anything special. It was just a gold locket. It had engravings of flowers on the front and it hung on fine gold chain. The inside was empty. The clasp on the chain was broken and the back of it was badly scratched. To a passerby, it was just a regular old locket.

But to Tonks, it meant the world.

She'd worn it ever since the night of Sirius's death. He had been the one who gave it to her last Christmas. He hadn't known what to put in it at the time, there were no pictures of them together. He promised to find something to put in it later. Tonks stored it in a small box on her dresser; she didn't normally wear jewelry. But now, she wore it all the time. It was the only part of him she could hold on to. She mended the chain and smoothed the back; she didn't care that the locket was empty. Just the fact that she had something of his that she could wear close to her heart was more than enough.

Tonks clenched the tiny locket in her fist for a second, then released it.

The lake was beautiful, as always. Tonks sat on a fallen tree trunk, gazing at the small breakers that washed up on the shore. There was a sloping hill underneath her and her feet barely grazed the ground. There were other trees surrounding her, tall trees that seemed to graze the sky. They created a canopy of leaves above, shading the sun and blocking the rain. Below the hill was a large gap in the trees and a large lake was visible through it. It twisted around a bend and on the opposite shore stood the most beautiful weeping willow tree Tonks had ever seen. It's trunk was thick and the branches cascaded to the ground. The tiny green leaves spilled over the shore and just kissed the water below it.

If Tonks were asked where her happy place was, this would be it.

She gazed across the gently rippling water and watched the willow tree sway with the breeze. There was so much she needed to tell Remus. She'd gotten the topic of Sirius out of the way. Now, she needed to work on the bigger issue: how she felt.

Tonks knew she fancied Remus, she'd known it for nearly a year. She knew she liked him when they first met at headquarters. She knew he was a werewolf - it had been all over The Prophet two years prior to the rebuilding of the Order. She also knew she didn't care. In truth, Tonks actually found that part of Remus intriguing; he was far more interesting than any of the boys she had dated in school.

And besides, she always liked a man with a bit of an edge.

Tonks didn't hear the footsteps behind her, nor did she register someone was behind her until she felt the tree she was sitting on sink with the weight of someone new.

"Hello, Tonks."

Three guesses who that is, Tonks thought with a smile.

"Hi, Remus," she said, still gazing at the lake.

"I haven't talked to you all this week," said Remus, swinging his legs around so he was facing the same way Tonks was.

"Kingsley and I had some investigating to do. Did you know that Fudge -"

"-Was thrown out of office?" Remus finished. "Yes, I knew."

A fish leaped into the air. Remus and Tonks watched the water ripple around where it had landed back in the lake.

"It seems odd, doesn't it? That Fudge was suddenly sacked just like that? I mean, we tried hundreds of times to get him out since this time last summer and nothing ever worked. Then, two days ago, he gets the boot? It doesn't make any sense-"

"You don't know the full story, Tonks," Remus interrupted. "Fudge saw Voldemort vanish in the Department of Mysteries along with twelve other eyewitnesses who were with him. He was forced right then and there to believe what he'd worked so hard in fighting against. When the public found out Voldemort had returned over a year ago and Fudge knew and ignored him, they weren't so found of him anymore."

"Oh," said Tonks.

There was silence between them. Remus was looking at the clouds, his fingers gently drumming against the back of his hand. Tonks clenched her hands tightly together. There was a raging battle going on inside her head.

Tell him! Tell him now!

I can't, she told herself.

If you don't tell him now, you might not get another chance!

I don't know how to tell him.

It's easy! Just tell him how you feel. You've done it before with other guys!

It's not that simple this time.

Just tell him!

I can't.

You can't keep it inside of you forever!

I can try.

"Tonks?" Remus said, waving a hand in front of her face. "Are you there?"

Tonks blinked. She was staring inot space, listening to the voices arguing inside her head.

She didn't know which one to believe.

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head. "I was just thinking..."

"About what? I could do with a good story."

Tell him! Tell him! Tell him! Now's your chance!

"I don't know if you'd want to hear it." Tonks said feebly.

"Oh, come on, you always have a good story on mind! Tell me what you're thinking."

Tonks gulped.

Well, here it goes.

"I- I was thinking... I was thinking about - er - you." she said, turning pink.

Remus raised his eyebrows at her.

"Me?"

"Yeah."

Remus didn't say anything. He just stared at her, a puzzled look on his face. Tonks looked at her nails (which had just become very interesting at the moment) and continued.

"It's just... Well, it's like this... Ever since I met you, I've been having these - these feelings about you. I wasn't sure what they were at first; I thought you were just a friend. But as I got to know you, that changed. I wanted to be more, though I didn't admit that to myself until a few weeks ago... but I reckon I always have wanted to be more than just friends..."

She looked at him for some kind of reaction. Remus, however, didn't say a word. His hazel eyes bored into her sapphire ones. She stared right back, fire blazing in her eyes.

"I really like you, Remus. I like talking to you, working with you, laughing with you, being around you - hell, I like everything about you! You're never out of my mind; you're all I ever think about! I want to be more than just friends, Remus, and I know I'm risking a lot by saying this, but I have to... I want us to be together. Not just as friends, but more. I know there's something more between us, I can feel it. Can't you?"

Tonks stared at him. He stared right back at her. A few awkward moments passed by, the wind rustling the leaves beneath where they sat.

"Er... that's it," Tonks finished lamely. Her insides were wriggling like snakes.

Remus sighed and put a hand to cover his eyes.

"Tonks... I can't... we can't... we can't be anything more than friends."

The snakes in Tonks's stomach suddenly turned to rocks.

"What?" she said breathlessly.

Remus kept his eyes covered as he sopke.

"We can only be friends, Tonks. Only friends. Nothing more. Now don't go getting the wrong idea, I like you too... But not in the way you like me... We could never be anything more than good friends."

"Why?" was all Tonks could manage to say.

Remus took his head out of his hand and brought his eyes to hers.

"It wouldn't work between us. We're better off as friends."

We're better off as friends.

Tonks stared at Remus, who has a sad look on his face. She could feel tears welling in her eyes, and she tried to hold them back. She tried to be strong. But she felt herself shaking; her hand was quaking on her knee.

We're better off as friends.

"I'm sorry, Tonks, I was afraid this would happen but..." Remus sighed. "I was hoping I would be wrong for once."

Tonks could hear the sincerity in his voice. She hated it.

Tonks let out a shaky breath that could have turned into a weak sob if she hadn't clamped her teeth down on her tongue a second before. She looked away from him; she couldn't stand his eyes burning into hers as she tried to blink back tears. She didn't want him to see her cry. She clenched her hand to stop it from shaking.

We're better off as friends.

The birds had stopped singing and the tress stood deathly still. The sun was obscured by thick dark clouds that reflected themselves in the glassy surface of the lake. It looked as if it were about to pour any second. The once welcoming and beautiful scene that lay before her was now forbidding and ugly.

We're better off as friends.

She couldn't take it anymore. She could feel Remus's eyes on her and she suddenly felt the urge to run - run away from him, run away from his pitying eyes, run away from everything. She had to get away.

So she ran.

She ran and didn't stop.

She didn't remember leaping from the log and streaking away from him, leaving him sitting there alone. She didn't remember running wildly through the trees, unsure of where she was going. She didn't remember tripping on a log and falling hard on her stomach. She didn't remember when the rain started to fall or how long she lay on the ground. She didn't remember crying. She didn't remember when or even if she got up to go home. She didn't remember anything.

What she did remember was that she ran and never looked back.

We're better off as friends.

And yes, she most defiantly remembered that.

x x x

His magic and myth

as strong as what I believe

a tragedy with

more damage than a soul should see...

x x x

"Here's your tea, dear."

Tonks took the cup and muttered a thank you.

It had been a long day. Kingsley and her had a tip-off early in the morning that a women called Gwendolyn Hicopuff was passing information to Voldemort. Tonks went on the assignment very unwillingly; she seriously doubted that a woman with the last name of "Hicopuff" would be in cahoots with dark magic They went to house on the corner of Welch and Maple some thirty minutes away from headquarters. If anything, this only furthered Tonk's scepticism. The house was a shocking shade of pink. It was, if possible, even pinker than her hair (which was saying a lot). The house looked completely harmless. Sickening, yes, but harmless nonetheless.

They were ambushed on the front steps.

So much for harmless.

"How many were there?"

Tonks rubbed her head, beery-eyed, and tried to remember.

"Not many - maybe three or four? I dunno... They weren't very good though. Kingsley got one and two of them clocked heads."

Molly Weasley gave a warm chuckle and Tonks felt herself smiling despite how tired she felt. Molly did have that effect on people, to make them feel better even in the worst situations. I guess that's why she had eight kids, Tonks thought.

"So what happened afterwards?"

"We tied them up and Kingsley took them back to headquarters. When he got back, we went to see the lady," Tonks said, gulping her tea.

"Was she a Death Eater?" asked Molly.

Tonks shrugged. "Dunno, didn't get to ask. She was dead."

Molly nearly dropped her cup. Tonks sighed and shook her head.

"She had something they wanted - they must've just killed her when we got there."

"Was she a Muggle?"

Tonks nodded, taking huge drinks of tea. A tiny dribble trickled down her chin.

Molly looked at her, confused, over the brim of her cup.

"What could a Muggle possibly have that would interest a couple Death Eaters?"

"Information, probably," said Tonks, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "We don't know a lot, but we do know that she was under the Imperious Curse for quite some time. Maybe she was related to someone they wanted... but I don't know Molly. I think they killed her to get rid of the evedence. I mean, when a person is under that curse they will wake from it, eventually. They knew that when she wasn't any use to them anymore they either had to kill her or modify her memory. Killing her would probably be easier, no chance of her somehow breaking the Memory Charm and spilling the beans on them."

Molly kept staring at her over the rim of her cup.

"You seem to have given this a lot of thought."

Tonks shrugged again. "You have to think like a Death Eater to understand how they work. Remember, I had an aunt who turned out to be one."

Molly gave a small nod of understanding and sipped her tea, her eyes still hovering on Tonks.

"You look horrible, dear, are you sure you're all right?" she said, worriedly. Tonks got the feeling she was itching to ask that the moment she walked in the door. She nodded, however and finished her tea.

In truth, she did look horrible. She looked like crap and felt like it too. Her hair was a mop of mousy brown hair, hanging limp at her shoulders. Under her tired eyes were deep circles gouged in her skin from lack of sleep. There was no life in her cheeks and her skin looked ghostly pale. Her head was pounding and her eyes were drooping. On her shoulders at the moment was the interrogation of four stubborn men who wouldn't give information even if she cut their toes off (which she almost got away with), the death of a Muggle - how she died, why she died, if she was under the Imperious curse or not - and the mystery of what they wanted with her. It could have been just a quick killing just for the 'fun' of it (though Tonks seriously doubted it), or it could have been all an act. Were they Death Eaters? Or were they just sick people killing a woman because she had too many cats or something odd like that? There were so many questions, so many possibilities on what could have or could not have happened...

Yes, it had been a long day.

She, of course, had other issues to deal with. Her hair had changed color and length on it's own overnight and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't change it. She couldn't change anything anymore. She had no idea what happened, but she woke up one morning and couldn't change her appearance.

"And that's never happened before!" Tonks said to Molly when she confided in her about it.

"I don't know what to say, Tonks," Molly said sympathetically. "I don't know too much about Metemorphagi." Tonks continued to look downcast and at this Molly added "Stress maybe?"

"Yeah, maybe..." said Tonks.

"Perhaps you should see a specialist in St. Mungos or something?" Molly suggested.

Tonks shook her head and waved her hand as though to push the matter away. "No thank you. I spent enough time in that hospital to last me a good fifty years..."

Molly smiled and drank her tea. Tonks looked out of the window and saw small gnomes sneaking their way back into Molly's garden. The Burrow, for some reason, always had problems with gnomes. This, oddly, made Tonks remember something else. "My Patronus changed too."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I dunno why either."

"Well that certainly is strange," said Molly. "I've never heard of someone's Patronus changing. What was it before?"

"A penguin," Tonks said, grinning weakly.

"Mmm.." Molly said, chuckling. "And what is it now?"

Tonks hesitated before she answered. She didn't know exactly what is was, but she had an inkling...

"A dog of some sort," she said.

"Oh dear," Molly said, suddenly sounding like she had a bad head cold. "I'm so sorry... I know how much you liked him..."

Tonks eyes widened. How did she know...?

"...We all miss him, the twins took it particularly hard you know... they said he was the only jokester better than them both... I'm sure Remus isn't coping very well either..."

Tonks blinked. What? She thought. Then it hit her.

She's talking about Sirius...

"Oh! Oh, yes Molly, I miss him a lot too," Tonks said, nodding vigorously to hide her confusion. "But... you think he's my Patronus?"

"Well, I would guess so!" said Molly. "You were his favorite cousin and he transformed into a dog... unless you had someone else in mind?"

Tonks looked away from her. Goodness, the woman didn't miss a thing. Molly could put two and two together in a heart beat. She realized from the look of confusion on Tonks's face that she wasn't thinking about Sirius. There was only one other man she knew who changed into a dog... He was rather wolfish actually...

"No, I - I dunno, Molly," Tonks said, though her face was flushed. "I had a dog when I was younger, maybe it's him."

"Maybe," said Molly, though she had an all-knowing glint in her eye. "What are you doing for dinner tomorrow? Harry's coming by and Author's off for the weekend. I also think Remus might be stopping by..."

"I -I've got work, Molly," Tonks said shakily.

"Mmm... I was under the impression you were too tired to work for the rest of the weekend?"

Tonks didn't say anything. She could feel Molly's eyes peeling the layers off her, trying to get some hint that what she suspected was true. Tonks kept her mouth clenched tight; she really didn't want Molly to know she was right or she wouldn't hear the end of it.

"You know, Tonks, ever since you two met, I saw you grow a little weak side everyday for Mooney."

DAMMIT! The woman is good!

"I -," Tonks started, intending to put up a fight, but Molly cut in.

" And you know, I do catch his eye once in a while wondering over to watch a certain pink-haired witch at meetings."

"Couldn't be me could it?" Tonks said with a touch of sarcasm as she picked up a lock of her thin brown hair. Molly laughed.

Then, there was a knock on the door. Molly jumped. She pulled her green dressing gown tightly around her and drew her wand while she headed for the door. Tonks didn't get up, but kept her teacup raised to her lips while she grasped her wand inside the pocket of her robes.

"Who's there?" Molly shouted through the door, nervousness evident in her voice. "Declare yourself!"

"It is I, Dumbledore, bringing Harry!"

Even though she felt like dragon dung, Tonks couldn't help but laugh.

Molly opened the door and the tall, wizened Albus Dumbledore came gliding through the door, his hands on the shoulders of Harry Potter.

That's an interesting sight, Tonks thought as she watched Molly ramble to the Headmaster of Hogwarts and fuss over Harry. The greatest wizard of our time and the Chosen One. The Prophet would have a field day...

"We were lucky," said Dumbledore, ushering Harry over the threshold. "Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"

Tonks instantly shuddered at her name and her hands tightened around her cup. She kept the bitterness out of her voice, however, when she spoke.

"Hello, Professor," she said, and she forced a smile. "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hi, Tonks," said Harry politely. Tonks saw his large green eyes surveying her behind his round glasses and she knew he was surprised to see her hair wasn't bubble-gum pink as it had been the last time they met. There was something in Harry's gaze that made her feel suddenly uncomfortable. Was it worry? Immediately, Tonks felt she should leave; she didn't need Harry worrying about her - he already had enough to worry about.

"I better be off," she said quickly, standing up and putting her cloak on. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly," she added, giving her a nod.

"Please don't leave on my account," Dumbledore said, his blue eyes looking over her as well. Tonks averted her gaze; she knew Dumbledore was a skilled Legimas and she really didn't want him digging into her mind to find out what was wrong with her. "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."

"No, no, I need to get going," she said, keeping her eyes firmly away from Dumbledore's. "Night -."

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend? Remus and Mad-Eye are coming-?"

"No, really, Molly..." Tonks said, giving a little start at Remus's name. God, that woman doesn't give up without a fight! "Thanks anyway... Goodnight everyone."

Tonks hurried past Dumbledore and Harry into the yard. Voiced that sounded like Molly's were swimming through her head: And you know, I do catch his eye once in a while wandering over to a certain pink-haired witch at meetings... Tonks got butterflies in her stomach at the thought. Maybe, just maybe... but no, Remus had already said no to her. He didn't like her that way, not one bit.

Still, she thought as she turned on the spot and Dissaperated from the Burrow, it was nice to dream...

x x x

And do I try to change him

It's so hard not to blame him

Hold on tight

Baby hold on tight...

x x x

Tonks knew who was standing outside her door a second before she opened it.She didn't know how she knew or why she didn't slam the door shut after seeing who itwas on her doorstep, but she felt like she had to see him to make sure she wasn't going crazy.Ever since the incident at the lake, a bridge had divided Tonks's relationship with Remus-or at least she thought so. There wasn't a moment where she was in the same room as him and she wasn't flushed maroon or purposely avoiding his eyes. She couldn't speak to him the same way. There was always an awkward silence between them when they were together ( and that in itself rarely occurred anymore) and no matter how hard Tonks tried to push him from her mind, he never seemed to go away. Even when she was trying hard not to think about him, she was still thinking about him; a thought that confused her beyond all reason.

"Hello, Tonks," said Remus.

Tonks stared at him for a second and put on a falsely happy smile.

"Hey, Remus. Um... W-why are you here?"

Remus shrugged. "I was in the neighborhood," Bullshit, Tonks thought. "Did I come at a bad time?"

"No, why do you say that?"

Remus flicked his eyes downward as an answer. Tonks looked down at herself.

SHIT!

She was wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her like a toga.

Tonks looked up and saw Remus dig his hands into his pockets, his eyes determinedly looking anywhere but at her. She tried her best to laugh it off, but her face was beet red and her stomach writhing in horror.

"Um... I'll be - uh... w-w-would you excuse me for just a minute?"

Without waiting for an answer, she quickly shut the door.

She had completely forgotten that she had just gotten out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She thought it was Kingsley; she left some important documents on the killing of Gwendolyn Hicopuff at headquarters and he promised to drop them off sometime this week. She didn't care if Kingsley saw her in a towel - he was like her brother for Merlin's sake - so she had raced to the door, with her towel on. But Remus was standing at the door, not Kingsley...

What the bloody hell was I thinking!

Tonks was still dripping wet when she opened the door again - now fully clothed and her hair combed back and drying on her shoulders. Most of the blush had faded, though she was still a bit pink in the nose, and she hitched a smile on her lips.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," Remus said, smiling as well.

They stood there for a moment, staring at each other. Then something clicked in her head.

"W-would you like to come in?" she asked.

"Yes, please," said Remus.

Tonks let Remus pass her as he donned off his think winter cloak. There was snow in his hair, matching the wisps of silver smatted almost artfully in his hair. Tonks twiddled her figures nervously. What could she say to him? For the first time in history, Nymphadora Tonks was rendered speechless.

"So-," she said, trying feebly to make small talk. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No thank you," said Remus, but he seated himself in a stool at the kitchen table. Tonks sat down across from him.

"What are you doing here Remus?" she asked, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about them.

"I was under the impression everyone's friends and relatives visits them on Christmas Day," he replied.

Christmas? Tonks thought. She cast a bewildered glance at her calender and saw it was indeed December twenty-fifth.

"That's today?" Tonks asked. That would explain the gifts under the tree, she thought, a tad amused by her own stupidity.

Remus chuckled. "Molly hinted that you were spending Christmas alone, so I thought I might drop by."

He doesn't mean it like that, he doesn't mean it like that! Her mind screamed as something in the bottom her stomach started tingling in a very pleasant way. He's just a friend stopping by, not anything more!

"You didn't have to do that," said Tonks. Remus shrugged again.

"No one should be alone on Christmas."

Damn you, Remus! Tonks thought, but she smiled as her reply.

"Thanks," she said.

They fell into silence. Remus's hands were folded on the table and his head was bowed, as though praying. Tonks drummed her figures on the side of her thigh.

Say something! her mind screamed.

Say what? she answered herself.

Anything! Something! Just don't sit there! Ask him about work -

We work together!

Ask him how he's been...

No way.

The weather! Say something about the bloody weather for Merlin's sake!

"Erm..." she started and she nearly kicked herself. Why did she have to be so weak, especially around him! "So Remus -"

But he put up a hand to silence her.

"Tonks," he said and he took a deep breath. "I want to show you something."

Oh great, she thought

"What?" she said.

"You'll see," he said. He stood up and held out his hand. Tonks looked at him apprehensively.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"Don't you trust me?"

Tonks stared at him, the swooping sensation returning full force to her stomach. He stood there patiently, waiting for her to answer, and she felt words dropping out of her mouth before she could think about them.

"With all my heart," she replied. Remus broke eye contact and Tonks almost kicked herself again. Every word was true, and she hated herself for it. Quickly, before she could say anything else, she stood and slid her hand into his. She tried not to think about how warm his hand was or how perfectly their fingers fit together. In fact, she tried not to think about anything at all when Remus led her into the middle of the living room and they Dissaperated together. She didn't think about anything at all.

She just enjoyed how wonderful it felt to have his hand wrapped around hers.

They appeared in Remus's basement. Remus let go of her hand immediately and busied himself by lighting all the lights. Tonks stood awkwardly watching him, rubbing her arms. It was freezing and she wished she had thought ti bring a coat.

Although, she had to admit, all the warmth had left her when Remus let go of her hand.

He began shuffling through the cellar, looking into one rummaging the thousands of cardboard boxes jumbled around the cement floor. It was a complete contrast ton the house above them; through true it was a tad shabby, Remus's house was spotless. There was no clutter, rubbish or anything out of place. The basement, however, looked like a disaster zone. Items everywhere from broken broomsticks to dusty textbooks where thrown haphazardly over the sea of boxes. There were cobwebs in every nook and cranny. Clumps of dust huddled in the corners and broken shards of what looked like fire whisky bottles glittered in the candlelight.

Remus was digging through boxes like a dog after a buried bone. He shoved things out of his way, throwing them hurriedly over his shoulders, and when he didn't find what he was looking for, he threw the box behind him too.

Tonks watched him with a small smile on her face. Remus was never in this much of a hurry. It was funny to see calm and collected Remus Lupin looking like a frantic treasure hunter.

"You want me to help?" she asked, when a heavy book with the title Animagi 101 came too close for comfort at her nose.

"No," said Remus, a tidal wave of objects flying over his head. "I almost - no... wait here- no, that's not it... where did I put it!" Another box went flying.

"What are you looking for?"

"Something important-" Another airborne box. "I need to show you... Where did I-? Ah! Here-! No..."

A thick book landed on a box next to Tonks, who was sitting on an old upturned cauldron and was watching Remus's escapade through his neglected belongings. She picked the book up and brushed the dusk off the top of it. The How To's of becoming an Animagi was the title. Tonks flicked through it and saw the date of publication: 1974.

"It looks like you haven't touched these in years," said Tonks, picking up half of a crystal ball that had just smashed at her feet.

"What?" said Remus, looking around at her. Tonks held up the part of the ball she had and Remus gave a nod, going back to work. "These are mostly all my possessions from school..." He was about to throw what looked like another book over his shoulder when he paused and looked at it for a moment. He laid it down next to him and muttered something that Tonks only caught the tail-end of: "...at that later..."

She smirked and threw the broken crystal ball over her shoulder. It landed with a loud crash behind her and she started. Remus stopped his rummaging again and stared at her.

"Sorry," she said. Remus chuckled and went back to his digging.

Tonks got up and began looking in boxes herself. In one she found a set of old potion vials and a scale. In another was a badly chipped telescope. She went through a box full of books and opened another one that looked contained a gigantic copper cauldron. There was a sort of eerie glow that illuminated the rim and when she peered inside an odd silvery liquid met her gaze, swirling around in lazy spirals. It took her a minute to figure out what it was exactly; she knew she'd seen it before, she just couldn't place who had it. Then, she remembered.

"Remus?" she said.

"Yes?" came his voice, and Tonks had to turn around to hear him properly; his voice sounded strangely muffled. She almost doubled up with laughter when she saw him. The whole upper part of his body was inside a large box resting against the wall. His legs barely touched the floor and by the look of it, he was trying to get back out. "No, it's not in here. Now let me - WAAAAGHH!"

Tonks had to stick her fist in her mouth to keep her from laughing out loud as Remus moved a little too far to the left and he toppled over on his side, half his body still inside the box. He wriggled around in the box for a bit before he could finally extract himself from it. He shook his head and glared at Tonks, who was still trying not to laugh.

"Ha ha, very funny," he said, getting up and brushing himself off. "Now what did you want to ask me?"

"It this yours?" Tonks said, pointing into the box the cauldron was in. Remus looked inside and his face split into a wide grin.

"Brilliant, Tonks!" she exclaimed, reaching inside and lifting the cauldron out of the box. "Absolutely, brilliant! This was just what I was looking for!"

"So it is yours then?"

"Yes, it is." Remus kicked a few boxes out of his way and set the cauldron down carefully, as though it was a dragon egg about ready to hatch. " Do you know what it is?"

"A Pensive right?"

Remus nodded. "I purchased it a long time ago in my youth. I spent hours staying up all night and siphoning all my thoughts and memories into it. I lost track of it, however, when I graduated school. I haven't touched it in a few good years, as you can see."

Tonks did see. Though beautiful the cauldron was, the copper was obviously not as polished and dusted like it was in it's better days. Clumps of what looked like mold was stuck in the engravings around the rim. A heavy sheet of dust covered the entire thing and Tonks could see the finger marks in the dust where Remus had touched it seconds before. She was sure with a good wash and buff, the Pensive would look brand new.

"Why did you want to show me this?" Tonks asked.

"I'm not showing you that I own it," said Remus with a light chuckle. "I'm going to show you a memory, for that's what a Pensive holds."

Tonks stared at him. His eyes were gazing at his thoughts, the silver light reflecting in his brown eyes. The lines in his face were more pronounced than ever and it was at that moment that Tonks realized how along in his years Remus was getting. Tonks looked into the cauldron for a moment, then back up at him.

"Why?" she asked.

Remus brought his brown eyes to hers, completely serious.

"You'll see."

With that he grabbed her hand and plunged himself face-first into the cauldron, taking Tonks along for the ride.

She felt her feet hit solid ground after a fleeting moment where she felt like she was doing somersaults. When her head realized she was standing, not tumbling, she shook her head so her eyes could focus on her surroundings.

She and Remus were on a grassy hill. An enormous lake stood before them, reflecting the cloudy night. Tonks looked at Remus in confusion, but when she caught sight of what was behind him, she thought she'd cry of happiness.

There behind her was the majestic Hogwarts school.

Tonks gasped as she turned to view the castle in full. It had been quite a while since she had been at Hogwarts. The torrents and towers grazed the night sky and she could see the largest windows that held the Great Hall. It must've been around dinner, for the lights were on. She looked to the left and saw the Quidditch Stadium, the three golden goal hoops standing tall on both ends of the pitch. For one bittersweet moment, Tonks recalled all of the memories she'd made in this magical place. For a moment, she was laughing with her friends, spending a long afternoon playing Quidditch, sneaking out at midnight... for a moment, she was a Gryffindor again. All the memories she held near and dear to her heart, even some she'd forgotten about, all came flooding back. For some reason, it made her want to cry.

Remus tapped her shoulder and pointed. Tonks tore her eyes away from Hogwarts, trying to hold back the tears, and followed his hand. He was pointing to a boy sitting at the top of the hill. His chin was perched on his arms that were wrapped around his knees. He wore a Hogwarts uniform, a coal black cloak with the Hogwarts crest stitched onto it, and his wizard hat lying next to him. Tonks moved closer for a better look and saw the boy had rather shaggy brown hair and a pale complexion. He stared at the lake for a moment, then picked up a small stone beside him and tossed it over the edge. A few seconds later a soft plunk of water was heard from below.

Tonks looked from the boy to Remus, who had walked up behind her. There was something familiar about the boy sitting in front of her...

"Remus," she said slowly, watching the boy throw another stone into the lake. "Is he -"

"-A younger me?" Remus finished for her. He smiled ruefully. "Yes, it is."

Tonks looked back to the boy and saw he was indeed a teenage Remus. The resemblance was almost uncanny. His hair was darker and wasn't speckled with wisps of premature grey. But everything else was exactly the same - only younger. The two profiles were identical, as were the large hazel eyes. His legs were long, just like the older Remus, but he looked awkward; it seemed like he hadn't grown into his body yet. There were soft lines etched in young Remus's face - the same lines that would become more pronounced as the years went by. Even his clothes were a tad shabby. Nevertheless, it suited him. Tonks though the younger Remus was just as handsome as the older Remus.

She mentally slapped herself for the thought.

"So this is what you wanted to show me?" said Tonks, crouching down next to the young Remus so she could examine him more closely. "You as a teenager?"

"Shh," said Remus. "Just watch."

Watch what? Tonks thought.

"Hello, Remus," said a female voice.

Tonks turned her head around so fast she cricked her neck. The Remus sitting next to her turned as well, though not as quickly. Standing next to the older Remus (and judging by the way she was standing, she had no knowledge he was there) was a pretty girl of about sixteen. Her hair was a dark auburn and her eyes were bright green. She wore a black skirt and a green shirt that matched her eyes; her black robe was slung over her shoulder.

Younger Remus smiled. "Hello, Lily."

Tonks looked at the older Remus.

"Lily? Lily Potter?" she asked, amazed.

"Yes," Remus said as he watched his younger self motion for Lily to sit next to him. "But at this time her surname is Evans."

"What are you doing out here, Remus?" asked Lily to the young Remus. "Why aren't you eating dinner?"

"James and Sirius decided to have an exciting game of Lets-See-Who-Can-Flick-Peas-At-Snivellus-The-Longest-Before-He-Finally-Cracks-And-Tries-To-Jinx-Us."

"Ah, and old favorite," Lily joked, but there was a limited amount of humor in her voice. "I'm surprised that Snape hasn't committed suicide yet with all the torture those two put him through. Why can't they just leave him alone? He's troubled enough as it is."

"He never lets an opportunity slide to jinx us, so we can't exactly take that lying down, can we?"

"We?" Lily repeated, raising her eyebrows. "You don't jinx him too, do you?"

Young Remus shrugged. "If I am threatened, or one of my friends is threatened, then I will fight back."

"But you don't do it because you think it's fun?"

"I'm sitting out here, aren't I?" said young Remus, giving Lily a twisted smile. "Personally, I would rather not be in the same room with a James and Sirius verses Snape duel. The turnouts are never good."

Lily laughed as though he made a joke, and perhaps it was meant to be one (though Tonks didn't see the humor in it) for young Remus had laughed with her.

"So what's your excuse?" he asked.

Lily shrugged in an imitation of the boy sitting next to her. "I wasn't hungry."

Young Remus nodded slowly, looking lost in thought. Lily stared at him for a minute, and when he didn't take his eyes off of what he was looking at, she waved a hand in front of his face.

"Earth to Remus? You still here?" she said.

"Mmmm... not really," said Remus and he gave her another wiry smile.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing in particular."

"Oh."

Silence fell between them. Tonks watched the two teens with dawning comprehension forming in her mind. Lily kept quickly glancing at the younger Remus almost with a look of longing on her face. Tonks knew that look... she had used that look before... It was that same yearning look of passion that Tonks used on the older Remus when he wasn't looking. Lily, obviously, had a crush on the younger Remus, for that look cropped up every time she chanced a glance at him. But it seemed no matter how long Lily stared at him, pining for him to look at her, the young Remus kept staring at the lake, lost in his own world. He hummed a bit and Lily tapped her fingers on her thigh. Tonks's stomach dropped. It was the same thing she did when she was holding something inside her. Lily finally gave up and blew out a frustrated breath, facing the boy next to her.

"Remus, I need to talk to you."

Young Remus stopped humming. "What about?" he asked after a few seconds.

"About you... And me... us, Remus. I need to talk to you about us."

"Us?"

"Don't act like you don't know!" said Lily, looking slightly cross. "I don't know how you can stand it- I can hardly stand it-"

"Lily, is this about what happened the other night?" said young Remus.

Lily faltered. "M-maybe..."

Young Remus sighed. "We've been over this, Lily. It was a mistake. We both agreed it shouldn't have happened."

"But it did, Remus, it did!" said Lily, earnestly. "How can you pretend it didn't happen?"

"I'm not pretending it didn't happen," said young Remus. "I'm just regarding the situation as a mistake, that's all."

"No, that's not all!" said Lily, sprining to her feet. She would've knocked Tonks over if she had been solid. "It wasn't a mistake! We kissed each other! Willingly!"

"But it shouldn't have happened."

"Who says?"

Young Remus rose to his feet as well, standing a good six inches over her, and stared her straight on.

"I say, Lily. It was great at the time, yes, but it was only a kiss - a kiss that wasn't supposed to happen."

"It did though! It happened! And guess what, Remus, I enjoyed it!"

"I did too," said young Remus quietly.

"And that's wrong?" Lily exclaimed.

"The kiss itself was wrong. We shouldn't have-"

"Don't you dare say it shouldn't have happened again, because I think it should have! I felt something, Remus! Something I've never felt before! When you kissed me... gods, it felt like - like I was finally alive! No other boy I've kissed mad me feel that way, Remus. Didn't you feel it?"

Young Remus hesitated. Lily allowed him a few seconds before urging him on.

"Well?"

"I... I did feel something..."

"See!" Lily shrieked, beaming and pointing at him. "See! I told you! I knew I felt something good, Remus! I just knew something was between us-"

"Stop, Lily," said young Remus, holding up a hand. "When I said I felt something, I didn't mean I was happy about it."

Lily stared at him. "W-what?"

"Listen to me, Lily. I would do anything - anything - to have you. I would give up everything just so I could be with you. But we just can't."

"Why!" said Lily, desperately. "Why can't we be together? I love you Remus. I love you."

"No you don't," said young Remus, looking away.

"Yes I do! I love you with all my heart! I think I've loved you on some level when we first met! We click, Remus, we fit together!"

"Don't say that," said young Remus.

"But we do! We do, Remus!" Lily cried. She gasped and stared at him. "And you know it... don't you?"

Young Remus hung his head in defeat. With trembling hands, Lily lifted his face up to hers.

"Remus," she said softly. "Remus, look at me."

Young Remus brought his eyes to hers, staring into her green eyes and she looked into his.

"Remus, we both know we were meant to be together. There's no use in denying it. Who cares about what happened the other night... what matters is what's happening now. So why don't we just... just..."

Lily's sentence trailed off into nothing as young Remus's eyes continued to boar into hers. Lily stared right back, her eyes shining as though she were about to cry. Then, she pulled him forward and kissed him.

For a second, it seemed perfect. For a second, it seemed like that was the end of it - that young Remus and Lily would be together forever - but young Remus pulled away suddenly.

"Remus, wha-" Lily started, but young Remus interrupted

"No," he said, turning away. "No. This is wrong. This is wrong! We can't do this - I can't do this to you..."

"Remus," Lily said, reaching out to touch his shoulder, but he scrambled away.

"This can't happen! You don't love me! You can't love me! You're not supposed to love me! You're supposed to love James-"

"I don't care about James, I don't love him," said Lily, breathing hard. "I love you!"

"Dammit, Lily, no you DON'T! You can't! You don't deserve me! You deserve someone better, someone who'll love you and protect you! Someone who won't hurt you!"

"You only hurt me once and that was an accident!" shouted Lily. "You can't control yourself when you're a wolf!"

"Exactly!" young Remus cried. "I can't control myself at the full moon. Lord knows what I can do to you! I won't risk it, Lily, I can't risk it!"

"What if I don't care?" said Lily with vengeance.

"I care. I can't risk your safety!"

"Why not!"

"Because I love you too much!" young Remus cried.

The words echoed in the darkness. Lily stared at him, eyes wide.

"Y-you..." she stammered. "You just said you loved me."

Young Remus covered his face with his hands. Just then, the clouds opened and it began to rain.

"You just said you loved me, Remus."

"I know I did," he said into his hands. Slowly he picked his head up. "And I do. I love you so much that it hurts."

"I do too," said Lily, stepping closer to him. Young Remus stepped away in turn.

"But that's why we can't be together, no matter how much we want to be."

"Why?" said Lily, desperatly.

"Because I'm afraid I'll hurt you again," he said. "I can't trust myself. I'd never forgivemyself if something happened to you and it was my fault... I love you, Lily, but... I can't love you. We're better off as friends."

Tonk's heart skipped a beat.

We're better off as friends.

She knew those words very well indeed.

Lily bit her lip and turned her head away, fighting tears. The horrible truth was settling in. No matter how much she wanted him, no matter how much she yearned for him, he would always be just out of her reach.

Because he was a bloody werewolf.

She pressed her palms into her eyes and fell to her knees, sobbing. Young Remus stared at her, tears in his own eyes.

"I'm sorry, Lily,"young Remus touched her shoulder, but Lily pulled it roughly away.

"Don't!" she screamed and Young Remus flinched as though she had slapped him. "Don't touch me!" Lily spat, her voice low.

"Lily-" young Remus started, but Lily leaped up. She looked at him, tears spilling down her cheeks, her eyes over-bright. She opened her mouth, but there was nothing for her to say. She shook her head and turned on her heel, sprinting away towards the castle. Young Remus sighed and looked down. Lily had left her cloak lying on the ground. Young Remus stooped down and picked it up. He folded it over one arm, staring into the darkness where Lily had disappeared.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I think it's time to go," said a voice.

Tonks started and whirled around. The older Remus had his hand on her shoulder and a somber expression on his face. Gently he pulled on her arm. She felt her feet leave the ground as she was lifted higher and higher until -

Click

Her shoes hit the floor of Remus's basement.

Tonks blinked, confused, at him as he released her arm and shoved his hands into his pockets again.

"Remus," Tonks said, her mind reeling. "What was that?"

He didn't answer right away. He bent over the cauldron and stared into it, the scene the two of them had just left reflected in the watery substance.

"I don't regret what I did," he said finally. "It was hard to cope with at first... I loved her so much... But would've killed myself if I had hurt her... besides, she was better off with James..."

"How do you know?" Tonks said quietly. "How do you know she was better off with James?"

"He could take care of her better that I could. I can't always control my actions - what would have happened if I had seriously hurt her?"

"What if, Remus, what if. That's what it's like for you - you're living your live on what ifs!"

"Tonks, any other man who lived his life on tender hooks would be considered foolish. But for a man like me, who can't always be accountable for his actions, has to be more cautious. Yes, it may seem like a somber way to live life, but it's the way it has to be."

"No, it doesn't!" cried Tonks. "You have every right to be happy Remus! You and I both know you were responsible when you were young - you always knew when the full moon was and prepared yourself for it! You didn't have to detatch yourself away from someone you loved just because you -"

Tonks stopped dead, her mind working furiously. Remus had once loved Lily Potter. THE Lily Potter that would fall in love with James Potter. But Lily could have easily ended up with Remus. Easily. He was too afraid he would hurt her.

"We're better off as friends..."

Those were the exact word he said to her...

Then suddenly, something clicked.

"Is that why you showed me that?" Tonks said breathlessly. "To show me that I can't be with you?"

"I needed you to understand," said Remus.

"Understand what? That you made a mistake? That you think you're too dangerous for me? That you're afraid of me?"

"Tonks, you're getting this all wrong - I should've explained..."

Remus sighed and took Tonk's hands into his, forcing her to look at him.

"Tonks, the reason why I showed you that was for you to understand. I need you to understand. I like you, I like you a whole lot. But the fact is we can't be together. I'm too old, too dangerous for you - I don't want you to be seriously hurt on my account. It's the same with Lily. I loved her, but I knew no matter how much I wanted her, I couldn't have her. I didn't trust myself then - even now I don't trust myself when the full moon is near. And look how Lily ended up! She fell in love with James. He could make her happy - something that I could never do for her. So it worked out for the best."

"But, Remus, you loved her!"

"I was young."

"And you are now?"

Remus paused, taken aback.

"I can understand that when you young - teenagers don't understand a thing about love. They're afraid of taking a risk with someone! Just look at Ron and Hermione! They've fancied each other for years and look at what happened when Ron found someone else. They're not talking at all. Is that what you want to happen, Remus? For me to walk out of your life forever?"

"I would never want you out of my life."

"Then what do you want Remus?" Tonks cried.

"I want you to be my friend."

There was a long pause. Tonks stared at Remus. An odd thought came to her mind - a completely off-topic thought - and she gave it a second before speaking.

"My Patronus changed," she said.

Remus blinked.

"Er... alright. Um, w-why?"

Tonks shrugged. "I don't know. It just seems odd that I can't change myself anymore, but my Patronus changed completely."

"What is it now?" Remus asked.

"Some kind of dog."

Remus looked at her for a moment before reaching into his pocket and extracting a small box.

"Do you still have that locket you received last Christmas?"

"The one from -" Tonks stopped when she caught Remus's eye. She cleared her throat and continued. "Yes, I still have it."

"Here's something to go with it." he said, placing the box in her hands. "I found it a few weeks ago. I believe it will do as a Christmas present."

Tonks nodded and looked at the box in her hands. It was wrapped neatly in red and green wrapping paper with a small red bow tied around it. Though she couldn't understand why, her heart was telling her it was a sign to leave. She slipped the box in her pocket and shuffled her way as best as she could around the jumble of cardboard boxes. Remus followed as she climbed out of the basement and walked into the warm living room.

"Aren't you going to open your present, Tonks?" he asked.

"When I get home," Tonks replied, extending her hand. He looked at it.

"What are you doing?"

"Im waiting for a handshake."

Remus raised his eyebrows in confusion.

"Why?"

"Isn't this what friends do?"

For some reason, Tonks's voice was calm. She knew that her heart was ripped to shreds, knew that she was shooting down any last glimmer of hope that there still might be a chance with her and Remus, but her mind was miraculously clear. For the first time, Tonks let her head act before her heart. If she couldn't have him in the way she wanted, then by God she'll take him anyway she could.

Even if it killed her.

Remus stared at her, mouth slightly agape. She stared right back, head up and jaw clenched. Then, he slid his hand in hers and shook it.

"Yes," he said, not taking his eyes off of her. "Friends."

"Friends," Tonks said, dropping her hand and shoving it in her pocket. "Merry Christmas, Remus."

And before he could say anything, she spun around. With a loud crack, she Dissaperated, leaving Remus standing there looking at the spot where she disappeared, much like the way his younger self watched Lily walk away from him in the Pensive.

x x x

Cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

but he's so beautiful

such a beautiful disaster

and if I could hold on

through the tears and the laughter

would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster...

x x x

Tonks had been having pains in her lower stomach for almost a year. She didn't know what to do about it, she didn't think it was anything serious. At first, she just thought they were cramps because it was - well, it was that wonderful time of the month again. But then she started waking up in the middle of the night with massive stomach aches to the point where she had to take some of her mother's Muggle medicine to ease the pain. It was sharp, jabbing pains that felt like someone was poking her insides with a knife. She tried to ignore it, it usually didn't bother her during the day, but the more she tried not to think about it, the worse the pains became during the night. Up until a week in April the aches had been consistent.

It was then she realized something was seriously wrong with her.

She had just gotten home from work. It had been a fairly mediocre day; nothing serious except for a tiny scare from a small child in Liverpool who was attacked by a charmed tea cozy. There was a small investigation, but it turned out the boy's brother bewitched the sweater to get back at him for stealing his toy broomstick. There was no real development in the Hicopuff case except that the three men refused to talk. Kingsley and her were even thinking about closing the case, it was moving so slowly.

Tonks walked into her apartment and was about to make a cup of tea when the pains started up again.

It wasn't serious at first, just mild pins and needles in her stomach. When she crouched down to get the tea pot from her Lazy Susan, however, she found herself immersed in terrible pain that made her double up and fall to the ground. She didn't know what was happening or what was wrong with her, but she couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. She managed to crawl over to her coffee table and pick up her two-way mirror she had used that morning to get a hold of Kingsley. As best as she could she eked out Kingsley's name and she managed to get a few words out before the pain became to much, making her pass out onto the floor.

The next thing she knew, she was in a ward in St. Mungo's.

"How are you, dear?" came a warm voice from next to her.

Tonks blinked heavily as the room around her came into focus. Sitting next to her was a very familiar face.

"Molly?" she said in a raspy voice, and she tried to sit up. Molly's hand on her shoulder kept her laying down.

"Don't sit up, dear, you'll be sorry you did," said Molly Weasley. "The Healers said you took a pretty nasty fall."

"Fall?" Tonks asked, confused. "I didn't fall."

"Well, that's what they assumed. You were unconscious when Kingsley carried you in. He thought you might have fell and hit your head on something."

"He should know a little fall wouldn't hurt me, I do it all the time," said Tonks, trying to laugh but it immediately turned into a wince as she felt a surge of pain in her stomach. "How long have I been out?"

"Not long," said Molly, smoothing out her bed sheets. "Kingsley brought you about two hours ago."

As if on cue, Kingsley himself came walking into the room.

"Hey kid," he said in his deep baritone voice. He leaned over and scooped her up in his strong arms. "You feeling better? You gave me a real scare when I found you. I thought someone murdered you."

"I'm alright," said Tonks, burrowing her head in his chest. He gently patted her back and ruffled her hair.

"What happened?" he asked.

Tonks pulled away and scratched her head.

"I don't know really. One minute I was just fine and the next I'm rolling around on the floor. It was like someone was ripping my insides apart."

Kingsley conjured a large wooden chair next to Molly's. He looked at her closely and frowned.

"Was it a burning kind of pain?"

"No, it was a sharp pain."

"Well that rules out any poisons," said Kingsley.

"Have you had this kind of pain before?" asked Molly.

"No - well, yes, but not as bad," said Tonks. "I just thought it was, you know, cramps."

Molly formed a small "Oh" with her lips. Kingsley looked confused.

"If you had been having pains, why didn't you tell someone about it?"

"I didn't know what it was, I thought it was normal," said Tonks, slumping back on her pillows.

"How could pain be normal?" asked Kingsley.

"It's a girl thing, Kings," said Tonks.

"How long have you been dealing with it?" said Molly.

"Er, since... since the Ministry break-in last summer."

Then, Tonks's eyes flew open.

"Oh my God, of course! The Ministry break-in! I dueled with Bellatrix and she shot some odd curse at me that knocked me out! She did this to me! It had to be her, I just know it! She said she teach me a lesson for being against her!"

"Now, dear, don't get too far a head of yourself," said Molly, holding up her hands to calm Tonks down. "The Healers have checked you out and they should be here soon to tell you what's wrong. Oh, and Remus is on his way."

"WHAT!" Tonks yelped, receiving another stab of pain in her stomach, but she ignored it. "Remus is coming! Why!"

"He wants to see if you're ok," said Kingsley, taken aback at Tonks's outburst. Tonks gave a frustrated sigh and sank back on her pillows.

"When is he going to be here?" she asked, placing a hand over her eyes.

"In a few minutes," said Molly.

The door on the other end of the ward slid open and in walked a woman wearing white robes and a clipboard in her hand.

"Nymphadora Tonks?" she asked.

Tonks cringed.

"Yes, that's me."

"My name is Julia," the woman said. She was tall and blonde, with large blue eyes and a pleasant smile on her face. "I'll be you're Healer for today. Now, we took a look at you a few hours ago. You're friend said you were having pains in your stomach, am I correct?"

"Yes," said Tonks.

"For how long have you been having these pains?"

"Since last summer."

Julia looked shocked.

"Almost a year?" she said, looking at her incredulously. "Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I just thought they were normal pains," said Tonks, blushing. "Well - you, know what I mean."

"Are you referring to menstrual cramps?"

"Yes," said Tonks, embarrassed. She glanced at Kingsley, who looked away pointedly with a small grin on his face.

"Although those kinds of cramps are quite common, they don't last for more than a few days." Julia said, looking very nonchalant. "If it was your time of the month, then you would know what was wrong with you. So my next question is, did you have these pains during that time of the month?"

"That's usually when it's the worst," said Tonks. "But I would get them everyday."

Julia raised her eyebrows.

"You've been living through chronologic pain ever since last summer and haven't done anything about it?"

"No! I've been taking medicine!"

"Pain killers?"

Tonks opened her mouth to retort, but nothing came out. Instead she said, "Yes."

"Pain killers are just something to ease the pain, but it doesn't solve the problem," said Julia. "All pain killers do is delay the pain, and it builds up to a point where it explodes and something far worse occurs. You didn't just have a little fall today, it was all the pain you've kept inside of you that finally burst."

Tonks hung her head. Julia was making her feel stupider by the minute.

"Now I think I know what the problem is," said Julia, flipping through the papers on her clip-board. "But there's just one more thing I need to make sure of. From your records, I found that you're an Auror, is that right?"

"Yes."

"Have you been hit by any spells since last summer."

"Yes, I had a duel with a Death Eater last summer, and she - well, she blew me off my feet with a spell. I never heard it before."

"Was it unforgivable?" Julia asked.

"No, it was one she made up I think."

"Do you remember what it was?"

"Er..." Tonks said, trying to remember the night she dueled with Bellatrix. "Ovrula- no... Ovula-"

"Ovularuptutia?" Julia asked her eyes wide.

"Yeah, that's it," Tonks said. Molly gasped and clapped her hands over her mouth. Tonks looked at her and then at Julia. "What?" she asked.

Julia went through the papers on her clipboard.

"Ovularuptutia was pretty well known in the last war," she said, looking at her papers and nodding. " It almost became an Unforgivable, but it didn't pertain to everyone so it was disregarded only as a dangerous spell, like Suctemsempra."

"Why?" asked Tonks.

"It was only used on women," said Molly quietly.

"For what?" said Tonks, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

"For pain, mostly," said Julia. "But when used correctly, it can rupture a woman's entire reproductive system."

Tonks looked up at the Healer, nausea starting to claw at her stomach.

"Is that what happened to me?"

"I'm not sure yet, the results of the tests should be ready to look at in a few minutes. It's the worst case scenario, of course, if the spell was used incorrectly, then it wouldn't be anything I couldn't fix. If it was, however..."

Julia stopped and looked at Tonks. She kneeled down and brushed a strand of hair out of her face.

"I'm really sorry about this," she said. "It's a horrid curse, it really is."

"What happens if the spell was used correctly?" asked Tonks.

"You won't be able to have children."

That's what I was afraid of, Tonks thought.

Julia smiled sadly at her, and stood up. She looked at Molly and Kingsley, nodding at them.

"I'll have the results as soon as I can," she said. She walked to the door and slid it closed.

Tonks clenched her hands together. How could she have been so stupid? The more she thought about what happened to her over the summer and what hell she'd been going through since then, she came to the conclusion that she was a bumbling idiot. Hadn't she learned through Auror training that pain should always be taken seriously? Wasn't she the one that passed all her tests with ease (excluding Stealth and Tracking, but then again that wasn't entirely her fault) and had been condemned as one of the brightest and sharp eyed Trainee the testers had seen in a long time? She was excellent at puzzles and logic - she saw things most people didn't. So how was it that she couldn't see what was clear under her nose? Something had been wrong with her, but she chose to ignore it. She had other things to be worrying about.

Like Remus? said a sly voice in her head.

Stop it, she thought.

What was nagging at her, however, was the fact that she had heard about Ovularuptutia before. She'd learned about it during Auror school. She bloody learned how to block it. Why didn't she recognize it when her aunt fired it at her? Why didn't she try to defend it? She knew the symptoms of the curse, so why didn't she realize what was wrong with her?

I was distracted, she thought. All the shit with Remus... I completely forgot everything else...

"Dear?" came Molly's voice. Tonks started and turned to look at Molly. "Are you alright?"

Tonks nodded. She couldn't bring herself to speak.

"Do you want anything?" Molly aksed, looking over her, a motherly glint in her eyes.

Tonk shook her head.

"Alright... well, I'm going up to the sixth floor for a cup of tea."

She left.

"Hey," said Kingsley, patting Tonk's shoulder. "You're gonna be ok, kid."

Tonks didn't say anything, but she silently threw her arms around his middle. Goodness, he really was tall. He lightly removed her arms from his waist and placed his large hands on her shoudlers.

"Look, I have to get back to the Order. I'll talk to you when you get outta here tomorrow, alright? We'll go get a coffee or something. Remus should be here any minute, he'll keep you company."

He ruffled her hair once more, and Tonks felt a small smile drift onto her lips at the brotherly gesture.

"Thanks, Kingsley, don't be up too late, ok?"

"Promise."

He lightly punched her cheek and left. There was a seconds pause until the door slid open again.

It was Julia.

She walked up to Tonks's bed, a piece of parchment clutched in her hand. Tonks did nothing but stare at her. Her expression was hard to decipher; she didn't look upset or happy.

"Are those-?" Tonks asked, but Julia cut her off.

"You results? Yes, they are."

There was a pause.

"So..." said Tonks, urging her on.

Julia looked at her for a minute and sighed.

"I'm sorry."

There was a sudden slam on the other end of the room. Tonks and Julia both whipped around to find Remus standing there, traveling cloak soaked and dripping onto the floor.

"Tonks - I came as soon as I heard -" Remus stopped, seeing the look on Tonks's face.

Julia turned back to Tonks, a sad smile on her face.

"I'll leave you two alone," she said. She sympathetically patted Tonks's hand and left the room, giving Remus a nod as she passed him. As soon as the door shut behind her, Remus walked up to Tonks and sat down on the edge of her bed.

"What happened?" he asked.

Tonks looked up at him, shell shocked more than anything.

"Remember - " she started, her voice coming out in a sort of croak. She cleared it and started over. "Remember the Ministry break-in? When I got cursed?"

"Yes," said Remus, looking as though he was ready for the worst.

"It - it was Ovularuptutia."

Remus's eyes widened.

"Then that means -"

"I can't-," Tonks said, her voice breaking. She pressed a hand to her mouth as tears sprang to her eyes. She turned her head away from Remus. She hated, absolutely hated crying in front of him.

But then Remus took the opportunity to be completely wonderful and pulled her into a hug. He rubbed her back in large, comforting circles and she felt him rest his chin on the top of her head. And even though she knew she shouldn't, that she was completely going against what they agreed on a few months ago, she wrapped both her arms around his waist and dissolved into tears in his chest.

"Oh, sweetheart..." he whispered, almost inaudibly.

Tonks couldn't reply to this. So she did the only thing she could do, even if she was sending Remus's mixed messages and that she would have to remind herself that they would be back on 'just friends' terms tomorrow - she clutched at his damp black jumper and sobbed the world away in Remus's arms.

x x x

I'm searching for love and the logical

but he's only happy hysterical

I'm searching for some kind of miracle

I've waited so long...

So long...

x x x

Dumbledore was dead.

It seemed unbelievable, impossible, almost preposterous that Albus Dumbledore could ever die - let alone die so stupidly and quickly as people say he did. It couldn't be true, it absolutely couldn't be true. Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of the century, to die in the clutches of Avada Kedavra? No, he deserved to die better than that - more honorable than that. In fact, he didn't deserve to die at all. He was too much of a good person, to much of a comfort and too much of a genius to die.

But he did, and Tonks was forced to believe the one fact that she would rather eat poisonous toadstools than believe.

Dumbledore was dead.

And what was more, Snape had killed him.

Severus bloody Snape.

Tonks always knew he shouldn't be trusted.

She found out the news of Dumbledore's death the night Death Eaters sneaked into Hogwarts. Tonks was the first to find out that they were trying to get into the school. They tried walking right past her at the gates, the idiots, but Tonks would have none of that; she managed to hold them off for a few minutes as she called for help. But they stunned her before the others came - and they reeked havoc on the school. When she was revived, Tonks engaged herself in the pitch-dark battle near the Room of Requirement. Only one person was killed in the fight for the school; some Death Eater Tonks didn't know the name of and could quite frankly care less about. It was a miracle no one else was killed.

Bill was hurt, however. Fenrir Greyback bit messed him up quite a bit. His face didn't look the same anymore. Also, Neville was injured in the battle, though Tonks wasn't sure how.

All she really did know was that Dumbledore was dead.

Remus was in the Hogwarts hospital wing with her, along with Ron, Hermione, Luna, Ginny, Professor McGonagall, Molly, Arthur and Madam Pomfrey when Harry gave them the horrible news. Tonks thought Remus was going to pass out when Harry told them.

It was the first time she'd seen Remus cry.

After he had got somewhat a hold of himself, there was a long conversation about Dumbledore's tragic demise and how all of them hadn't suspected Snape of killing him before. No one had any answers, for years before Dumbledore himself had told them sternly that Snape was a changed man. He himself had said that Snape was to be trusted. For the first time, Albus Dumbledore had made a huge mistake - and for that he paid with his life.

The conversation didn't change much until Fleur Delacour, Bill's goddess of a fiancé, decided to show up. Tonks had been afraid when she walked in; surely she wouldn't want to marry Bill now that he was a sort of werewolf and not even remotely good looking anymore? But no, Fleur said indigently to all of them, speaking in a much improved English tongue, that she didn't care if her husband was a werewolf or good looking - his scars showed that he was brave.

And that did it for Tonks.

"You see!" she cried in a strained voice. She missed everyone's heads whipping around to look at her because she was glaring at Remus, who refused to look at her. "She wants to marry him, even though he's bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," said Remus, barely moving his lips. "Bill won't be a full werewolf. The cases are completely-"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks. She seized the front of his robes and shook him hard as she said it. The truth was she really didn't care, she didn't care one bit that he was a werewolf - she never had. She didn't care that every full moon he turned into something he wasn't, and that was the exact reason why she didn't care he was a werewolf because the thing he was when he was a werewolf was something completely opposite to the Remus she knew and loved. Remus was nice, caring, generous, smart, and downright incredible. One of the reasons why Tonks couldn't help but like him was because he was living proof that not all werewolves were like Fenrir Greyback. Not all werewolves were bloodthirsty beasts. And it was about goddamn time Remus realized that.

"I've told you a million times..." Tonks shouted at him, trying, begging to make him understand.

But, like always, he didn't.

"And I've told you a million times," said Remus, still refusing to meet her eyes and staring at the floor. "That I'm too old for you, too poor... too dangerous..."

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Molly quitely. Though Tonks was still determinedly looking at Remus, she saw out of the corner of her eye that Molly had a small smile on her face. Close to her was Harry, who had a look of dawning comprehension on his face as he stared at her. Tonks knew that she had basically shouted her love for Remus right in front of everybody, but at the moment, she didn't care much about that either.

"I am not being ridiculous," said Remus steadily and Tonks wanted to slap him. "Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you," said Arthur, smiling like his wife. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."

And he gestured sadly at Bill as he said it.

Tonks wanted to throw herself at Arthur's and kiss his feet, but she still had a hold of Remus's robes and she wanted to see his reaction at Arthur's statement.

"This is... not the moment to discuss it," said Remus, and he gently pulled his robes out of Tonks's grasp. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around distractedly, avoiding everyone's eyes. "Dumbledore is dead..."

And as much as Tonks hated to admit it, Remus was right. There would be a time to discuss the matter (yet again) but this wasn't it. They were supposed to be mourning Dumbledore's loss.

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Professor McGonagall curtly. Tonks silently agreed.

She waited for a grand time of two minutes, in which Hagrid arrived crying into a spotted handkerchief and then leaving again with Harry behind him, before she excused herself from the room.

Tonks really didn't know where she was headed or why she was running, and she had a strange feeling of Deja ' Vu as she puffed through the silent corridors of Hogwarts. She remembered the first time she ran away from Remus, nearly a year ago, when he told her he didn't like her and she ran, not knowing where her feet were taking her. Somehow, five minutes later, she found herself leaning against the large Beech tree by the lake on the Hogwarts grounds.

Tonks didn't know how much more of this she could take; Dumbledore's death, the aches in her stomach, the late nights at work, the blowing news that she couldn't have children, and the ongoing battle of love with Remus... everything that had happened to her since the beginning of last summer was all rolled into one large twisting knot in the pit of her stomach, weighing her down and ruining her life. Suddenly, the mystery of her hair color was not such a mystery anymore. She had so much on her mind, so much she had to deal with, that she couldn't transform anymore. Two summers ago, she was a happy-go-lucky Auror with a promising career. Now, she was a nearly depressed witch with absolutely no control of her Metemorphing powers anymore. No wonder she couldn't change her appearance at will anymore. She had no will anymore. She still wanted to live, yes, but not like this. She wanted her old life back, the life that she could change her appearance and laugh and be friends with Remus and be happy. But now, she didn't think she would ever get her old life back. Nymphadora Tonks had finally grown up.

She also didn't think that Remus would come looking for her after she'd ran out of the hospital wing.

But he did.

Damn sensitive git, Tonks thought bitterly.

He didn't say anything as he approached her, nor did he speak when he sat down next to her and hugged his knees to his chest.

"I think we need to talk, Tonks."

Tonks scoffed.

"I think you did enough talking back in there," she snarled,jerking her head towards the castle.

Remus didn't say anything, he just stared straight ahead at the rippling water in the lake.

"Did you really love Lily?" Tonks asked, feeling the words drop out of her mouth; she hadn't meant to say that.

"Yes, I did," said Remus, looking unfazed.

"But you pushed her away because you thought you were 'too dangerous'..."

"Tonks, I don't want to get into this - " Remus said, sighing and lacing his fingers together.

"You just said we needed to talk about this!"

"I didn't mean it like that, I meant..." But the rest of his sentence trailed off into nothing as he ran a hand through his hair. "Ok... yes, Tonks, I did push her away."

"Did she ever try to come back?"

Again Tonks felt the words come out of her mouth without meaning for them to be voiced aloud.

"What do you mean?" he asked, after a pause.

"Did Lily ever try to come back to you?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I'm just wondering," said Tonks dismissively. "Friends can ask friends questions, can't they?"

She didn't mean for the words to come out so harsh, but she couldn't help it. Remus, for the first time that night, looked her straight in the eye.

"She tried, once. But it was a feeble attempt. She went out with James a short time later and forgot all about me."

"Did you forget about her?"

"I could never forget about her."

"But she didn't keep trying to come back?" Tonks asked.

"No, she didn't"

"And were you happy about that?"

Remus sighed.

"No. I wasn't happy when I let her go. I had always hoped... well, it doesn't matter now..."

"What?" Tonks urged.

"I... I always hoped that we could somehow be together... but would have never worked between us -"

"Do you love me, Remus?" said Tonks.

This time, she meant to say the words that came out of her mouth.

"What?" Remus said after a long silence.

"I said: Do you love me?" She said it matter-of-factly, as though they were coursing the matter over tea. She felt bold, reckless - she had to know. She had to know if he loved her. She didn't know why, but she needed to know. "Do you love me, Remus?"

Remus didn't answer right away. He looked down at his entwined fingers, rubbing his thumbs together lightly. Tonks saw the ends of his lips turn up slightly in a sad smile for just a moment before he brought his eyes back to hers.

"Yes, I do."

When Tonks had envisioned this moment in her daydreams, the moment Remus finally confessed his love to her, she saw expected her stomach to leap with joy. She thought she would scream loudly or spin cartwheels, or slink to the floor and cry when she heard those words she'd been wanting so earnestly to come from his mouth. When she dreamt about it, he would be smiling happily at her, and she would be confessing her love to him as well. She thought that she'd show some form of jubilation at these words.

But she didn't.

Instead, her body began doing something very strange. She remained rooted to the ground, her eyes staring into Remus's and her jaw clenched tight. She didn't know what the emotion was exactly that was coursing quickly through her, but she did know that the cogs in her Auror-trained mind were working top-speed. She had no idea why in a situation like this, but she was actually thinking.

Tonks nodded at Remus and silently rose from the ground, her mind still working furiously. She turned her back to Remus and walked a few feet away from the tree. She paused a moment, feeling Remus's eyes on her back.

"Do you love me more than Lily?" she asked, her back to him.

"Yes," came the answer.

"But..." she said softly enough for him to still hear her and she turned her head slightly so she could see him. "We're better off as friends."

Remus didn't say anything.

x x x

He's soft to the touch

but frayed at the ends he breaks

he's never enough

but still he's more than I can take...

x x x

Tonks never really liked wearing dresses. They were too - well - dressy for her taste.

Her version of dressing up was a pair of nice pants (maybe a long skirt but that was for very fancy occasions.) and a blouse. Dressing up wasn't really her thing, she always liked to be comfortable instead of looking overly-done up. High heels scared her. Especially the really high stiletto heeled boots and sandals with the ultra pencil thin heels. She cringed every time she saw a girl wearing them. Why did women have to put themselves through such torture? Why couldn't they just dress down and casual like men did?

Tomorrow, however, would be an exception.

Tonks did have one black dress in her closet - cocktail length made with what she thought was a ridiculous amount of silky black material. Her mother picked it out, of course. In fact, she was the reason why Tonks even had a dress in her closet, because Tonks sure as hell wouldn't have picked it out on her own. Her mother was a firm believer that every girl should have a little black dress in her closet. "For special occasions." Tonks remembered her mum saying the day she brought it home and hung it resolutely in her daughter's closet. "You don't have to wear it every time you go out somewhere fancy, but just promise me that you'll wear it at least once." Tonks promised, but she hadn't worn it since the day the wretched thing was stuffed in her closet.

The night before Dumbledore's funeral, Tonks dug the dress out of her suitcase and laid it out nice and neat on the chair next to her bed.

Tonks let her head fall on the glass of the window as she watched twenty people or so line up what seemed to be about a million chairs on the lawn next to the lake. The funeral would take place at Hogwarts, and it made Tonks's stomach churn when she realized that tomorrow she would be sitting in one of those chairs - along with many other witches and wizards - to pay her last respects to the man who was the greatest sorcerer of the century. The table that was being magically lowered in front of the chairs would be tomorrow the table in which the body of Albus Dumbledore would lay upon in front of his many friends and admirers.

And tomorrow would probably be the saddest day of Tonks's life.

Tonks sighed and turned away from the window, unable to look anymore. She was spending the night in the castle - Professor McGonagall had allowed her to sleep in the Astronomy tower, the classroom bewitched temporarily as a bedroom. Tonks didn't mind at all; next to Defence Against the Dark Arts, Astronomy was her favorite subject when she was a student at Hogwarts. She'd always liked the stars, and in the classroom there was a large door-length window that opened to a balcony for the students to watch the stars. The window was still there, much to Tonks's delight and she opened it a crack to let the summer breeze filter through. She made sure she didn't look out onto the grounds; every time she did it made her feel sick to her stomach.

She flopped down on the magnificent four poster bed across the room from the window and stared up at the canopy. She really resented that dress that was laying on the chair next to her, she really did. She hadn't tried it on, of course, but she still didn't like it. It was the only thing in her closet that seemed appropriate, however, for a funeral. She didn't reckon anything else she owned would be acceptable to wear. The skirt was ok, but it didn't do her justice.

Tonks turned her head and looked at the dress. She'd also laid out a pair of black flip-flops (it was summer, after all) and her cloak in case it got windy tomorrow.

Hm, Tonks thought. Maybe it wouldn't hurt just to try it on...

In the next couple of minutes, she was staring at her reflection in a full-length mirror.

She did look rather nice, the dress only came down mid-calf. It wasn't skin tight, but it did hug her form in a semi-flattering way. The straps were thick, and held up her, er, chest area perfectly. As much as Tonks hated it, she did have a rather large chest - one of the main reasons why she wore T-shirts and robes most of the time. Dresses made her look too flashy, she thought, all because of her chest. And her legs, her legs were way too long for her own good. Tonks hated them probably more than anything on her body; she blamed her legs for being to long which therefore caused her to be too clumsy. In the black dress, however, all of the attributes she hated about herself were suddenly appealing to her. The front covered her chest wonderfully, without showing too much or making her look too big. The length was great, it made her legs look shorter. The flip-flops were a great touch - it was the one bit of herself Tonks could put into the dress to make it her own.

Unbelievably, her mother had been right on this dress.

What Tonks liked the most about the dress, however, was all the material that hung to her mid-calf. At first sight, she thought there was too much material for the thing to be a called a dress instead of a small tent. When she tried it on, she instantly loved it. She didn't like it because it made her look great or it was pretty or anything... it was the fact that when she spun around, it flared out and rippled beside her. Tonks thought it was the coolest feeling in the world.

Unfortunately, Remus had been standing at her door as she was spinning around for what was about the billionth time.

"Having fun?" came is humorous tone.

Tonks nearly screamed. What was he doing standing at her door, watching her spin around like a bloody ballerina?

"Remus!" she squeaked, and came to a screeching halt. She got a strong rush of vertigo as she did, and felt the material of her dress wrap around her legs. "Wh-what are you doing in here?"

Remus nodded at the window.

"I heard this was the best place to look at the stars."

Tonks didn't buy the statement one bit.

"You know, you're a horrible liar, Remus," she said, not sure if she was angry with him or not.

Remus merely shrugged and walked across the room to the window. He pushed it open and slipped outside. Tonks watched him as he poked his head back in the room and grin at her. "Care to join me?"

Tonks felt the fury bubble inside of her stomach. He had no right - no right - to be here, in her room, two days after their talk at the lake...

"Remus, get out."

The smile dropped off of Remus's face in a second.

"What?" he said, confused.

"I said, get out. Get out of my room."

"You know, you sound a lot like a child when you -"

"I said get OUT, Remus!" Tonks snarled, and she jabbed her thumb behind her at the door.

"Tonks, what -?" Remus began, but Tonks had had enough.

"Remus, why do you continue to do this to me? Why do you keep coming back, acting like nothing ever happened between us, after we have an argument?"

"I don't -"

"Yes, you do! You always do! You wonder why I won't stay away from you? It's because you always come back to me!"

"I never told you to stay away from me," said Remus, stepping back inside the room and looking her over. "You look nice, by the way."

Tonks shouted in frustration. Can't he see what he's doing to me? she thought wildly.

"Remus, you said you just wanted to be friends. You showed me that scene in your Pensive to make me understand why I can't love you, and then you tell me the other night that you do love me after you told everyone else in the hospital wing that you can't love me! I'm really confused, Remus, you told me that we're better off as friends and I backed off of you! But you told me that you loved me -"

"That's exactly the reason why I came up here," said Remus, shoving his hands in his pockets as far as they could go.

"You just said you wanted to see the stars."

"And you said I was a terrible liar, which in some aspects in true and in others not so true."

Tonks bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from retorting scathingly back. Remus shuffled around a bit, before he looked up at her.

"What I said last night at the lake... I meant it. I really do love you, I believe I have since before you told me the first time that you wanted to be more than friends. But it's the same thing with Lily, I was afraid that if we would become anything more than friends than I would hurt you when the full moon came around. I know it's hard for you to understand, but I wouldn't know what I'd do with myself if I ever hurt you. There's wolfsbane, yes, but what would happen if I should miss a dose? Or if there was a blue moon and I forgot to take the potion? I couldn't -"

"You've told me this before, Remus," said Tonks, interrupting bitingly.

"I know I did, but I just need to make you understand where I'm coming from when I tell you that-"

"No, Remus, I do understand. That's the one thing you don't get. I've understood that we couldn't be more than friends last Christmas. But you keep coming back to me. I've respected what you want, I did what you wanted..."

"You didn't let me finish, Tonks," Remus said. Tonks clenched her jaw together and nodded at him to continue. " What I was saying is that I need to make you understand where I'm coming from when I tell you that... you were right all along."

Tonks stared at him.

What did he just say?

Remus sighed and took a step towards her.

"Tonks, the other night when you walked away from me, I couldn't help but think about the time when I watched another girl I loved walk out of my life. And I know what I've said before, about being too dangerous for you... well, yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking in my room and in the library about everything that's happened to us in the past year, and I came to a conclusion that I've been an idiot all along. You were right, I do have every right to be happy. And I want to be happy. I don't want to watch another woman I love walk out of my life because I think I'm too dangerous. I've never taken that chance to love... And now... now I want to take that chance."

He was only a few feet away from her now, and he reached out to take her hands in his. He squeezed them gently.

"I want you to take that chance with me, Tonks. I want to be more than just friends. I want us to be more. It's untrue that we're better off as friends... No, I think we're better off together.

"So what do you say, Tonks? I know I may be too late, but it's worth a shot... Are you willing to take that chance with me?"

Tonks stared deep into Remus's eyes as she listened to his monologue came to a close, and what she saw there made her heart melt to the floor. He really did mean it, he meant all the things he was saying to her, she could see it in his eyes. He had been an idiot about being overly-cautious. He did have every right to be happy. And, yes, he really truly flat-out love her. He wanted to love her for a long time. But what he didn't realize was that as he was trying not to love her, he couldn't help but to love her. He wasn't going to risk losing another girl that he loved. He'd been lucky that he found love again after Lily. And now, he was asking her to take that risk with him, to jump into love without any regrets and let whatever happen, happen. He was asking her to love him.

Tonks couldn't think of anything to say, everything she wanted to tell him was preventing her from speaking. So she did the only thing she could do, the one thing she'd been wanting to do ever since she started to like him two years ago and what she'd wanted to do more and more as the years went by.

She kissed him.

Remus, obviously, hadn't been expecting that kind of reaction from her judging by the way he tensed up when Tonks's lips crashed onto his, but after a moment or two, Tonks felt him relax. He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close to him as she slid her arms to hook behind his neck, her fingers caught up in his hair.

It lasted... and it lasted some more...

Finally, it came to an end. Tonks felt Remus pull away from her and she slowly opened her eyes. He was looking at her, his eyes shining and a small smile on his lips. Tonks smiled dreamily back, feeling as though she was in some kind of cheesy romance novel. The window was open behind them, letting the moonlight trickle in and the warm night air sweep around them. Tonks felt her dress ruffle slightly as the breeze danced around it. The aftermath of the kiss was everything Tonks had every dreamed about - a strong mix of elation, amazement, lightheadedness, and even something that felt a bit magical. Tonks still had her arms resting around his neck and Remus was still holding her close. He brought a hand up to her face and smoothed a bit of hair out of her face.

Then, the world came out of it's romantic faze as Remus's eyes opened with astonishment.

"Tonks!"

"What?' Tonks said, startled. Was I not supposed to kiss him? Tonks thought wildly.

"You - you're- it's - look!" he stammered, pointing at the mirror. Tonks ran up to it, took one look and nearly screamed.

Her hair was pink again.

She stared at herself for a minute and then ran a tentative hand through her shockingly pink locks that were pixie short once more. She turned around quickly and looked at Remus, who looked just as shocked as she was.

"Remus - pinch me."

"What!"

"Pinch me, I said," Tonks replied sticking her arm in his face.

"I'm not going to -"

"Remus, I need to know if I'm dreaming this or not, so just do it -"

"No! I'm not going to pinch -!"

"Goddamit, Remus just do it!"

"No!"

"Do it!"

"No!"

"I swear, Remus if you don't pinch me I'm gonna - OUCH!"

"You said to pinch you!"

Tonks yanked her arm away from him and rubbed it reproachfully. She wanted him to pinch her, she just hadn't expected him to do it so hard. She stood back in front of the mirror and took a deep, calming breath.

"I guess I'm not dreaming then..." she said, pulling at a strand of pink hair rather hard. It hurt. I guess I'm really not dreaming...

Remus's reflection came up behind hers and she felt his hand on her shoulder.

"You know what I think, Tonks?" he said. "I think that the reason you couldn't change your appearance anymore was because you weren't happy. You didn't have the willpower to change, which caused you to look like what seemed to be your normal self - which I'm happy to say is exactly the same, excluding your hair."

"I thought that too..." said Tonks. "Who ever knew that transforming was not only an physical power, but an emotional power as well?"

Remus nodded and then walked toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Tonks said, as Remus opened the door.

"I'm going to bed, we're going to have a long day tomorrow and we both could use with some sleep."

Tonks smiled and walked up to him.

"Aren't you going to kiss me goodnight?" she asked playfully.

Remus smiled, raised her chin lightly with his hand and brought his lips to hers again.

It was a corny, she knew, but the effects of it were oh, so good.

But all too soon he pulled away and said "Goodnight, Nymphadora."

Tonks was so caught up in his goodnight kiss that she didn't realize he called her by her first name.

"It's Tonks..." she said, but then realized he wasn't standing there anymore.

Tonks walked slowly back to her bed and fell on top of it, unable to get the smile off her face. He said it, he finally said it. He told her he loved her. He told her he wanted her. And, bloody hell, he actually kissed her. She knew that it was foolish, and that she was acting like a young preppy schoolgirl, but she squealed into her pillow.

He kissed me, he kissed me... she thought happily. Then she remembered what Remus said to her, the one thing she remembered most:

It's untrue that we're better off as friends... No, I think we're better off together...

Together.

Finally, Tonks couldn't help but think. But just to make sure this isn't all a dream...

Tonks jumped out of bed and slid to a stop in front of the mirror. She ran both hands through her bright pink hair and then screwed her eyes up in concentration.

Long black hair... I want to have long black hair down to my waist... long black hair down to my waist...

She opened one eye and then opened the other one.

She had long, waist length black hair.

Tonks saw her reflection beaming as she swung her hair around her shoulder. I was soft and smooth and rippled beautifully as it cascaded over her shoulder. She ran her fingers through it for a minute and then closed her eyes again.

Ok, back to pink... pink and short... I want pixie short pink hair... pixie short pink hair...

She opened her eyes again. There it was, her hair was pink and short once more.

I'm back, Tonks thought.

She then slipped off her black dress (that she now was rather fond of) kicked off her flip-flops and laid them neatly back on the chair for the funeral tomorrow.

x x x

Oh cause I don't know

I don't know what he's after

But he's so beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster

And if I could hold on

Through the tears and the laughter

Would it be beautiful?

Or just a beautiful disaster...

x x x

If there was ever a symbol that could be used to describe the loss of someone who was ageless, powerful, and had the mind of a slightly mad genius, it would be best personified as a marble tomb.

It sat in front of the sea of chairs, sitting on them an extraordinary group of all different sizes, shapes and cultures - all dressed in black. There were people from different ends of the globe, people of different views and languages and heritages. Giants were sitting next to dwarfs, students across from professors, centaurs standing along side of merpeople. Though different in the ways that they looked and dressed, they all had one common term that brought them all together on the most beautiful summer's day.

And that was to mourn the loss of Albus Dumbledore.

It was a mark at just how great the man had really been when one looked around at everyone who gathered on the Hogwarts grounds that afternoon. He had reached so many, touched so many hearts while he was alive, that it really was quite remarkable that in a time of such animosity and hatred, enemies could put aside their differences for a few hours and sit along side of one other. Even though Dumbledore wasn't alive anymore, his spirit of what he worked so hard to achieve in the world was enough to bring this amazing group of people and creatures together.

Tonks was glad that she was one person in that group.

She really had been dreading the funeral for the past twenty-four hours; she'd never been to a funeral before. She didn't think she'd be able to bear watching Dumbledore being buried right in front of her eyes. Though true that Remus's confession last night was enough to delay her worrying for the night, her anxiety came back full swing in the morning. She'd went down to breakfast early, hoping some food would calm her nerves, but nothing she ate helped. It wasn't until Remus had arrived in the Great Hall just as she was pushing away her half-eaten porridge and escorted her out to the funeral did the butterflies in her stomach lesson a bit.

And now here she was, sitting in the fourth row of the group of extraordinary people and creatures, holding Remus's hand while she watched Hagrid (crying tears the size of sickles) carrying Dumbledore's body to his final resting place, and wondering why she, herself, wasn't crying yet.

She looked towards the lake and saw Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione sitting next to each other in the sixth row. Hermione and Ginny had tears glistening on their faces and Ron was screwing up his eyes as though he was blinded by the sunlight. Harry, however, did not look sad. True, Tonks could see a few astray tears shining on his cheeks, but she saw a small flicker of a smile on his lips when Hagrid sat down and blew his nose into his spotted handkerchief. As the sound of Hagrid's nose-blowing (that sounded like a loud foghorn) Tonks couldn't help but smile a bit herself.

Are people allowed to smile in funerals? She thought to herself, but quickly forgot the question as a small man got up in front of everyone and began to address the crowd.

Remus's thumb was slightly stroking the back of her hand, and Tonks squeezed his hand gently back.

She sat there with Remus and listened to the little man in the front continue on about the amazing life of Albus Dumbledore. He used many big words like "nobility of spirit" and "kindness of heart" and sure, that was Dumbledore seen from the perspective of people that didn't know him very well. This man was obviously one of those people. Another was Dolores Umbridge, who Tonks was annoyed to see sitting in the front row. As the little man in front went on and on about how powerful and majestic Dumbledore had been, Umbridge would nod solemnly and dab her eyes with a tissue.

Well, thought Tonks, at least she was pretending to be sad...

Anyone who knew really knew Dumbledore, however, would not be fooled by large words and glossy compliments. Dumbledore was more than just almighty and powerful... he was also generous, kind-hearted, and a bit mad at times. He loved a good joke and sweet candy. He enjoyed watching Quidditch as much as he enjoyed watching the students in his school succeed to their highest potential. He loved musical instruments, both playing and listening to them. He was a genius in every aspect, both mentally and physically. He was a crackerjack chess and Gobstone player. He could uphold the running of the finest school for wizardry, but still had time at the end of the day to watch and examine the stars. He loved to read, but loved the feel of fuzzy socks probably more his favorite book. There was so much more to Dumbledore that met the eye... and Tonks felt rather honored to be one of the small group of people that saw this side of Dumbledore.

The procession went by faster than Tonks had expected. The man up front finished his speech and returned to his seat up front. There was a few seconds of silence where only the rustling of the trees could be heard. Then, quite abruptly, the marble table which Dumbledore's body was laying on burst into flame. Several people screamed, including Tonks. The giant white flames sprang joyously into the air for a couple of breathtaking minutes before they simmered out. There, were the table had been, laid a marble tomb.

There was a moment of panic when about fifty or so arrows went soaring into the air from the forest. They fell short of the crowd and Tonks could just barely make out a herd of centaurs retreat back into the forest. Eerie music came from the lake and Tonks looked around to see merpeople singing a ghostly ballad before sinking back into the water.

After the merpeople were gone, a buzz of conversation reached Tonks's ears. People were getting up from their chairs, embracing their friends with sad smiles on their faces; the funeral was over. Tonks looked at Remus, bewildered.

"That's it?" she asked.

"That's it," Remus replied, getting out of his seat as well and holding out a hand to help Tonks up. But she didn't take it just yet.

"I thought that..." Tonks trailed off, gazing at the marble tomb up front.

Remus followed her stare and nodded in understanding.

"You thought they we're going to bury him?" he asked. Tonks nodded. "Maybe that's the Muggle way of doing it, but in a wizarding funeral, we don't bury the dead until everyone has left. It's a sign of honor and respect for the person passed on."

"Oh," Tonks said, feeling a bit like an idiot, but Remus chuckled quietly. Tonks smiled warily at him and took his hand.

Nearly everyone was out of their seats and walking back up to the castle. There was a luncheon at the school for anyone that wanted to go. But as Tonks looked around, she saw there was still a few stragglers. She smiled when she saw Hermione with her arms around Ron. She was crying into his shoulder and he was lightly stoking her busy hair, tears falling down his cheeks as well. Tonks had heard from Molly as the year went by that Ron had got himself a girlfriend and Hermione wasn't talking to him because of it. Tonks had been too distracted to care very much, but looking at the two of them standing in the sea of chairs, clinging to each other like it was the last day of their lived, she felt a warm glow fare up in her heart.

About bloody time those two got together, Tonks thought.

Remus tugged on her hand, and Tonks tore her eyes away from Ron and Hermione to look at him.

"We should get going," he said. Tonks, slipping her hand out of Remus's and looping her arm around his. She dug both of her hands deep into her cloak pockets, unsure of what to do with them.

"Hey!" she said, feeling something square in her pocket. She pulled it out.

It was Remus's Christmas present.

Tonks instantly felt her face flush, she still hadn't opened it since Christmas. To be honest, she completely forgot she put his present in her cloak pocket.

"Is that my Christmas present I gave you?" Remus asked, trying to grab it from her.

Tonks pulled it away. "Maybe..."

Remus crossed his arms and glared at her, but Tonks could see there was no real anger behind his eyes.

"Well, it's nice to know how much my Christmas present meant to you."

"I forgot I had it!" Tonks said, punching him playfully in the arm. Remus laughed and rubbed his arm with mock reproachfulness. Tonks rolled her eyes at him and tore the paper off the box. She opened the lid and something slid out of it, fluttering gently to the ground. Tonks caught it before it hit the grass.

"What the-?" she began, but felt the rest of her sentence get clogged up in her throat.

It was a moving picture of Sirius and herself.

The picture must have been taken sometime last year, for Tonks's hair was short and (although the black and white picture didn't show it) pink. It was a rather silly picture, Sirius had his arm around her shoulders, smiling cheekily at the camera. Tonks was smiling as well, until Sirius snaked his arm around her neck in a headlock and began to fake-chock her. The Tonks in the picture tried to play it off, but she was laughing too hard to do much of anything.

"What's this for?" Tonks asked breathlessly.

Remus didn't say anything, but he gently lifted the gold locket Tonks had received from Sirius the Christmas before last off of Tonks's neck.

"It's for this," Remus said. "He told me before he died that you didn't have a picture in it. When I went through his belongings, I found this in one of his drawers. He was going to give it to you, but he didn't get the chance to..."

Tonks gazed at him, clutching the photo in her hand. How could Remus remember something like that and she couldn't? Sirius even told her he was going to find a picture for the locket, how could she forget?

"Here-" Remus took out his wand from his robe pocket and tapped the picture twice. The picture shrunk to about the size of a small postage stamp. He slid Tonks's locket open with the nail of his thumb and placed the picture in the bottom flap, muttering a sticking charm to make sure it didn't fall out.

Tonks took one look at him and threw her arms around him. She was at a complete loss for words, which Tonks had to remind herself didn't happen often. Why does he have to be so wonderful? Tonks thought. The two of them had certainly come a long way. Who would have thought that in the two years ago when she met this shabby and tattered wizard (who just happened to be a werewolf) that she would fall completely and utterly in love with the idiot? Tonks was never really a strong believer at love at first sight, but after she met Remus, everything changed. Her whole way of thinking changed just by being around him. Though Tonks knew that just because they confessed their love to each other the night before didn't mean that the two of them were absolutely perfect just yet. There were still some twists and turns they needed to work out and both of them knew it was going to be very difficult. But who wanted to live a life without the imperfections? A life that was perfect didn't sound interesting to Tonks.

Besides, Tonks thought fondly as she heard Remus sigh contentedly and felt him slid his arms around her waist. Perfection is highly overrated anyway.

A werewolf and a Metemorphagi... who would've thought? Maybe that's why her and Remus fell in love - they were so different from each other. He was laid back and gentle, and she was outgoing and loud. He was graceful and down to earth, she was clumsy and had her head in the clouds. They were different in every way - but that's what made them so - well - perfect for each other. They completed each other in way that not a lot of people can. Tonks was lucky enough to find the love of her life at the age of twenty-one.

However, the future ahead of them would be trying and difficult, it was true, but it was like Dumbeldore himself had said once upon a time: "We are only as strong as we are united and weak as we are divided..." Love is what ended the war last time. And while Dumbledore's funeral would be a small bump in the road they were all traveling to the end of the war, as long as they remembered the great man's words, they would eventually find peace. As long as they stood together, they would fight back. As long as they stood united, they would advance toward a brighter future.

And as long they loved, they would win.

Tonks hugged Remus a little tighter.

They would win. She just knew it.

x x x

He's beautiful

Such a beautiful disaster...

x x x