New crackfic!

Totally the same situation as with the Jeremy Kyle ones, but this one just… isn't Jeremy Kyle

I own only myself as, as before, whilst Chaz continues to be owned by a mutant ninja turtle who can sing like a giraffe. Whilst the novelty may be nice, I understand that this can get a little annoying. Therefore, I pledge a sisterly alliance… but not as far to get me locked under the ninja turtle's control.

~short introduction as to how they get to the courtroom~

Chaz shakes her head as she realises her boyfriend, Sam, is continuing to not talk to his daughter, her sister… yeah, the situation in their family is complicated. It's best not to dwell on the whole 'Chaz and Vicky are half sisters but Chaz is Vicky's step mum because she is dating her Dad' thing because, well, it hurts your head. The complexity of the issues in their family of about 10 has been so great that it has actually caused Jeremy Kyle to go on permanent sick leave from his show whilst he works through the issues in his head. Half of the family – and the residents of Morganville who saw the shows… which was like 99% of them – half believe that Jeremy will turn up again in a short while, unshaven and confused, having finally managed to find a solution to something in his head.

"Sam?" she puts her arms around her boyfriend as he holds their daughter, Sapphire, who has his eyes exactly.

"Yes, honey?" he questions her back, wondering what she could want. After all, she was supposed to be in bed; since he had been such a lousy father for the past few weeks, he has all the crap jobs including changing (which he, unfortunately, has experience in so doesn't end up covered in baby poo when he attempts it) and the nighttime problems their nine week old baby has… which seem to be every fricking second of the night.

"Why are you still not talking to Vicky?" she asks and he freezes, not wanting to answer. Ever since the last show, he hasn't spoken to his daughter because she addled with Chaz to make sure that the baby would be the colour it is: he has attempted to kill Myrnin, so the latter has been put into protective custody (aka, living with Oliver whilst his fiancée is left alone) but he hasn't spoken to Vicky. In fact, Chaz half thinks that he is going to try and kick her out of the house he bought her soon enough.

"You know why; I'm not getting back into it," he sighs, putting the now sleeping baby into the crib and turning to face his girlfriend. "Don't try and make me change my mind, Chaz, because I don't want to."

"You forgave me for doing that though," she reminds him gently, letting go of him. "I don't see the difference, really."

"Yeah, but you forgave me about the whole cheating thing and the accusing you of cheating," he answers begrudgingly, not wanting to bring these heinous things up because he thinks that Chaz may get mad again and leave him.

"I don't care about that but I will if you don't leave tomorrow free," Chaz says sharply as they shut the door: it doesn't matter about baby monitors as Sam's impeccable hearing could catch any sounds of disturbance in Sapphire's room.

"Why?" he inquires, wondering with a suspicious edge to his thoughts why.

"You'll see tomorrow – and before you say anything about Saffy, she's already being babysat by Eve because she needs to realise that she doesn't need another baby currently," Chaz responds instantly, sighing as she remembers Eve's comments of the other day implying she wants another kid like now.

"Fine," Sam begrudgingly agrees. "Only if you go to bed now," he continues, and shoves Chaz into their room, where she promptly falls asleep.

~end of 'short' introduction~

"Hey, Dad," Chaz says with a smile as she and Sam enter the court room at City Hall, eager to get underway her little mastermind plan that her and Richard had concocted earlier in the week to get Sam talking to Vicky again.

Richard responds by wrapping his arms around his eldest child (the other as yet unborn) and giving her a hug, not daring to risk saying anything because, hello, vampire with impeccable hearing around. "Hey, sweetheart, you ok?"

"Yeah, fine, aren't you supposed to be in uniform?" she responds, motioning to his jeans and a t-shirt combo he is currently rocking.

"I'll just throw the robes over the top… I had them dry cleaned since the usual judge likes to go starkers underneath them usually…" he shudders before continuing, "after all, I thought it may be better for me to proceed over the discussions since I know what is happening… I think."

"Excuse me, what proceedings?" Sam asks his father in law… who is younger than him. Just one of the many peculiarities in the situation involving more related vampires than anyone could possibly wish to comprehend.

"Meh, you'll find out later," Richard tosses him off, using the privilege he has earned by being the father in law to stop Sam reacting… not that he would, however, since Richard is a little pissy with him since the whole cheating thing. "Starting in about fifteen, ok Chaz?" he confirms and she nods, so he walks off into the back to do whatever a judge does to get ready… in Judge McDermott's case, that seems to be stripping.

Chaz leads Sam through to the main courtroom and sits him down in one of the booth things where people wait before the court starts: he can't see anything but Chaz, something which he doesn't seem to mind. So he begins to kiss her and she lets him, not caring that she is a little mad at him since the whole cheating thing, but wanting to keep him in here.

…

Meanwhile, outside the little box Sam is currently locked in, almost, people are milling around. A girl almost at full term pregnancy, called Vicky, is walking very slowly down the centre of the courtroom to reach the area where she is to sit, her chair double the size of a normal one because of the size of her bump. Only she knows that it is twins she is having: Myrnin hasn't bothered to connect the words 'two heartbeats' with 'twins' yet, and everyone else seems too bothered with everyone else in life to ask her how many kids she is having. And she is slightly more concerned about the fact that her father, the one she loves so much, hates her and refuses to talk to her slightly more than she is about telling her family that she is having twins, one boy and one girl.

"Sit down," Myrnin says urgently, keen to ensure that he doesn't have to deal with her if she goes into an early labour. Especially since they are all the way across town from the hospital and, well, he doesn't really like the sight of blood. Slightly strange that, since he's a vampire, but looking at blood he can't have… urgh, it's like torture.

"Oh, I am so sorry that I can't think, ooohh, yes, it's time to sit down," Vicky snaps back, her tone laced with bitterness. This side of her, the moody cow who pretty much has to be right, will not be missed, he thinks wryly.

"I didn't mean… oh, whatever I say isn't going to be the right thing, is it?" he sighs, dejected. It's usually him who is in the mood; it doesn't feel right to have the boot on the other shoe.

"Not on your life, Myrnin," Amelie informs him with a small smile at her daughter who doesn't quite manage to reciprocate it. "Now, if you would move out of the way, Myrnin… you know, since this isn't about you," she snaps, revealing her own pregnancy monster. Myrnin shudders at his mother in law's coldness before wishing that he could just make every female he comes into contact with not be pregnant right now because, well, they're all moody people who have no patience for him.

"Yes, my dearest mother-in-law," he murmurs, moving to the other side of his fiancée, who grips his hand tightly, evidently over her little pique of a bad mood.

"Victoria, honey, even if he continues to be an absolutely appalling father, you know that you have me and Myrnin and your sister," Amelie presses but her daughter decides to ignore her, deciding that she doesn't want to consider this possibility.

"Try and turn me against him, Mother, and I will never speak to you again and you will never see-" she trails off, deciding she can't say 'grandchild' as it would be a lie but 'grandchildren' would give away that she is having twins. So it simply seems as if she has given up on the insult, causing Amelie to smile slightly, thinking she has won.

"I shall sit over here," she motions to the seat behind Vicky to the right slightly, and Vicky nods, wishing she could get rid of her overprotective seven months pregnant mother. Then, finally, she disappears, Oliver slinking in and sitting next to her.

"Get out of here, now, Oliver," Vicky hisses, unable to turn very well because of the protruding stomach so Myrnin easily (showing off with his vampire strength) lifts her chair up to face him. "If you don't, well, I will refuse you and my mother the chance to see me and my family again, understand?" she continues, sidestepping the child/ren issue by saying about her family.

Oliver snorts. "Well, I don't think that that will be particularly an issue for me," he responds. "After all, I don't like you that much since you called me all those hurtful names and living without Myrnin in my life will be nothing but a godsend," he continues, evidently not having paid heed to the fact Amelie would be barred also… but she has. Her face pales and she reaches out to grab Oliver's wrist to throw him up: even pregnant, she has much more strength than him.

"If this is what my child wants, you leave Oliver," she hisses at him, showing that whilst she may love him (ICK!), her daughter comes first. So the man looks down at her engagement ring pointedly for a minute before nodding coolly and leaving the area, moving to sit in the viewing area where the general public could be sitting if they knew about this.

At the same time, Richard calls Chaz (interrupting something which could have gone one hell of a lot further) to tell her he is about to emerge in the judges area and that she and Sam have to go out into the courtroom now. So Chaz takes Sam out and holds onto him so that when he sees his daughter sitting on the other side of the room, he doesn't bolt. But he doesn't: all he does is freeze, an aura of cold anger circulating around him.

"What is this?" he questions quietly, his voice revealing the anger. "I thought I said I never wanted to speak to her again?" he continues, the coolness developing into a fierce hot anger that encompasses the entire room.

"Oh yeah, because I am the bad one in this situation," Vicky snaps at him, allowing her hormones to get the better of her rather than pretending not to hear him as she would have done normally. "So what, I may have done that is so bad? It's not like I li…" she trails off then, deciding not to mention lying because, well, he could end up getting out of her that she is pregnant with twins: of course, it's going to be discovered in a few days but it could be a surprise and not be that she has known for a few months but not told anyone because she forgot. Of course, technically, it's all Myrnin's fault because if he had turned up to the ultrasound rather than forgetting about it, he would have found out at the same time.

Sam starts forwards and wrenches himself out of Chaz's grasp and spins across the room. He stops in front of his daughter, absolutely livid. He reaches out to grab her shoulders and she winces in pain, half expecting him to start shaking her as he did once when she was really young and he was absolutely crazy with anger. But, before he can do anything, Myrnin pulls him off her with ease.

"Touch her again," he whispers into his, um, father-in-law's (soon to be, at least) ear as he twirls him from the girl sitting still. "And I can assure you it will be the last thing you do, understand?"

Sam snarls, entirely feral, and stomps away from her, just as Richard enters the courtroom, looking entirely bored. "Yes, yes, all sit… oh wait, the majority of you are already," Richard looks at them without surprise, having expected this because of the state of two of them and the others just don't have common courtesy. "Let's get this underway. Chaz, please explain the purpose of this," he orders, sitting down in his own extremely comfortable seat and pours himself a cup of coffee and slides his phone onto the desk surreptitiously.

His daughter takes the floor in the centre of the room, directly between Sam and Vicky, Myrnin and Amelie. Here, she begins to talk in a steady tone, ignoring the looks of confusion of all of them: she hadn't explained to any of the people in the room, besides for Richard and Amelie, why they are present, so they want to know.

"So, we are here today to get rid of all the hatred for one another out of our systems and to realise that we are all the same family and shouldn't hate each other," she explains and Sam groans, hitting his head against the wooden bench in front of him. "Dad is going to be leading it, getting each party to say their piece and then it can go into a debate as to what's going on and, well, yeah," she lapses into silence, rushing off to sit in her seat in the middle because, well, she has no bearing on either side.

Richard swings his legs over the side of the chair and opens his eyes, having realised that the room has gone a deathly quiet and that he needs to move on to address the issue at hand. So he takes a large drag of his coffee and looks up.

"Sam, begin by explaining why you hate Vicky," Richard says bluntly, knowing he doesn't want to do this and is only doing it because his daughter emotionally blackmailed him into it.

Sam stands up and turns to face the 'opposing' side with a carefully blank expression. "She's messed up with my kid and expects me to be ok with it… oh, and she always seems to change her mind as to whether she prefers me or Amelie," he says, sort of running out of steam instantly.

Richard realises that he has finished, so turns to Vicky. "Same question, but you can stay seated. I don't have the patien—never mind," he cuts off as he realises the pregnant girl would probably take offence at what he was going to say.

She sighs. "I don't know… I don't even know why I'm here when all I want to be doing is watching… yeah, doesn't matter what I was going to watch," she smiles slightly and Myrnin laughs, knowing what she was going to say but deciding not to embarrass her by saying it: after all, she could stake him. "The only reason I'm here is because Chaz made me because I did what she asked so that she could have a coloured baby," she says, and the reminder of the skin colour causes Amelie's lips to purse, for mother dearest would have preferred (if her daughter had to grow up and have her own child and make her a grandmother) her granddaughter to be Caucasian.

Richard sighs, taking another sip of strong black coffee (pregnant wife is not a good thing for someone who still needs sleep) before continuing. "Well… it seems Sam has all the beef here, so why don't you, Chaz, say why you wanted Vicky to do what she did… lord, that sounds as if… oh, let's leave it," he cuts off again, deciding that Amelie can keep all the whorish names from what she was called on The Jeremy Kyle Show and not bother to insult Vicky who could end up saving his life if his ticker goes dodged.

Chaz stands up, surprised because she thought she was going to be left out of it, and moves back to the place where she was before. "I asked for Vicky to do this because I wasn't going to cheat to get the thing I have wanted since I was a little kid: remember, mum, when you got us the Bratz dolls and I only wanted Sasha and Yasmin because of their skin colour, meaning Vicky had to have the other two? Well, my obsession with a coloured baby came from there… but I don't want another one," she sighs, basically rendering Vicky's gene editing skills useless.

"Thanks, sis, for making me not needed whatsoever," Vicky huffs, still slightly annoyed that her sister had abandoned her previous wishes to have three children that are of the half cast colouring, therefore making the act she did that resulted in her father hating her useless. "You could have at least told me that before," she continues, her hand resting on her own bump which has three current kicks occurring – one baby is being greedy and kicking with both legs.

"Yeah, well, if I had then you wouldn't have agreed to do it, would you?" Chaz shoots back, knowing that if Vicky had considered this to be a one time job, she would have considered the risks to her relationships with people or perhaps have done some research into everything.

Richard averts his attention to his phone, which is constantly flashing with new messages from Hannah, who is informing him of every twist in the series of Desperate Housewives she is currently watching to alleviate her maternity leave boredom. That, he thinks wryly, is much more enjoyable than this. So he continues to text her back, ignoring the escalating frustrations in the courtroom.

Sam stands up and his anger at his daughter wavers for a second as he considers that she was pretty much duped into doing this – and she was pregnant at the time, so perhaps wasn't paying as much attention as what she should inbetween her bouts of morning sickness. So he allows her one chance of redemption, simply because he misses hanging out with her.

"I think that we should all tell each other any lies that we have told," he says, directing his gaze at his daughter. "Then we are all on the same page with the information and so can make balanced judgements as to what we want to do, whilst knowing all the facts."

Vicky sighs, not really wanting to do this because, well, it means that she has to confess that she is having twins rather than faking surprise at the birth. But, reluctantly because she knows she can get her Daddy back, she nods, as Myrnin does alongside Chaz – though, they all think wryly, the day Myrnin reveals his secrets will be the day that Oliver tells them that he is gay and loves pink ponies. Amelie, on the other hand, is more reluctant than them all to do this.

"Do I have to?" she questions and they all nod, shooting glares at her until she agrees. "Fine, but Sam can go first, then Myrnin, then Charlotte, then me and then Victoria," she dictates the running order, which they all agree to, Vicky wondering whether she could forge some illness to get out of there before having to confess her sins.

"I lied when I said that I never wanted to see you again, Vicky," Sam confesses quietly, his face free of anger and back to normal. Tears well up in her eyes as he stands on the other side of the room, this now being led by those involved rather than the man who is on his phone just about to call his wife rather than sorting out what is going on. "I lied because I was hurt but it was wrong… I also lied when I said that your hair looked nice when you cut it, Chaz, and I lied when I said I liked Myrnin because, well, there are many reasons why I don't. That's about it," he skips over Amelie entirely, the issues there probably too numerous to count.

"I don't have any lies that I told," Myrnin says proudly, skipping over proper grammar.

"We all know you do, Myrnin, so shut it and tell the truth!" his fiancée snaps at him, wrenching her hand from his and turning away (as far as possible) until he confesses.

"Ok… well, I don't really actually like chemistry, it's just to be a scientist, I have to… but, um, I lied when I said that I was happy that we are having a baby because I was actually more scared than I have ever been before in my life," he confesses and she takes his hand back again.

"Chaz, your turn," Richard says when there is a silence in the room, him looking up from the phone he is just setting down on the table.

"Oh, dad, sorry, I thought you weren't paying attention?" Chaz waspishly asks him, causing him to blush.

"Evidently I was, so unless you want to be arrested, please carry on," he retorts, a smile on his face. so Chaz sighs and turns back to the rest of the people in the room, confessing her lies.

"I lied to Vicky about the amount of children I wanted that were half cast, as well as lying to Sam about the naturalness of the baby," she sighs, talking extremely quietly. "I also lied to mother dearest, telling her that the baby looked just like her in the ultrasound, as well as telling her that I admired her dress sense when I pretended to be drunk," she continues and dear Amelie gasps in shock, her hand on her stomach as usual – she enjoys showing off about being the only pregnant female vampire.

"Amelie, your turn now," Richard sighs, preparing for one hell of a long list, wondering when she will lie. "You don't need to start your lies until after the year 1990, because anything before then I don't really care about."

She shrugs and shakes her head. "The lies I have told have absolutely no bearing on this court – they are to do with the town and I would prefer to keep them quiet, as so that you do not all try and kill me," she refuses, causing her eldest daughter to turn and look at her in anger.

"Answer the damned question or I'll kill you myself – understand?"

"No need for that, dear Victoria – I preferred it when you were the nice one," her mother sighs before answering. "Fine, I lied about the father of the baby at first. I also lied when I said I was fine that Sam had left me for Charlotte, but I got over that one long ago… other things have no bearing so I am not going to mention them. If you wish to find them out… no, don't do that," she cuts herself off, deciding that telling them to read her diary would not be a good idea.

"Finally, Vicky, please reveal your lies pertaining to the people present in this room," Richard says, interrupting Vicky's thoughts as to what lie she could tell now to get out of it. Unfortunately, nothing fits so she has to begin her lies. So why not start with the most important one?

She smiles slightly, and shuffles in her seat, wondering how fast she can move to get up and run out of the hall: impossible, she decides. "Well, I think um the aforementioned one regarding Saffy is one… and, um, I'm sort of having twins not one baby so that's the other one," she slips it in, but everyone still realises it. Richard even drops his phone onto the floor, having it fall into its respective pieces but he doesn't care, his mouth wide open at what she has just confessed.

Chaz smiles, Sam is confused, Amelie sighs, realising the thing her daughter tricked into (giving a lot of money per child she has) is coming true, whilst Myrnin just freezes.

"But surely we would have heard the heartbeat?" Sam asks, moving ever closer before stopping, realising that this is another reason to be hating her: she has lied about the amount of Grandchildren he is getting from her.

"You can't hear the heartbeat normally: it's probably because I have pretty much entire vampire blood, besides for the fact I'm human, so my skin is thicker," she responds tearfully. "Myrnin? Myrnin?" she repeats her fiancé's name but he doesn't respond.

"Well, this is just bloody great!" Sam exclaims, angry once again. "You not only lie about the involvement you had with my daughter, you lie about the amount of grandchildren I am getting!" he continues, throwing his hands in the air in anger.

This, of course, causes Vicky's blood to boil and she decides to fight back. So she tries to stand up, to be able to yell her response at him as she runs out of the room, but she can't manage it without Myrnin. "Myrnin? Sort of needing help here?" she says, but he doesn't respond yet again. She supposes that the shock of having two children must be a bit more of a shock than just having one – something which he had come around to.

"I don't think he's going to respond," Chaz helpfully points out, ducking the evil glare that Vicky shoots her way. "What? It's not my fault that you kept that secret and that he can't react probably days before you have the damn sprogs!" she laughs, falling into her seat with laughter.

Vicky, meanwhile, turns her attention to her fuming father (he has no right to be mad; he's not the Dad of the kids) with a pleading expression. "Since I apparently can't, feel like storming out whilst I shout after you what I was going to say?" she asks but he shakes his head.

"No, I'm not leaving," he responds adamantly, internally not bothered about the fact she lied (because… HE GETS TWO GRANDCHILDREN TO SPOIL ROTTEN!) but sticking to his guns because, yes you guessed it, 'he wants to prove a point'.

She blushes in response and sits back in her seat, folding her arms on her stomach. "Fine, I'm not going to say it," she retorts angrily, just as Myrnin moves.

"Two?" he whispers, looking at her with a look of fear. "Dear god, I couldn't cope with one, let alone two!" he wails, falling back.

"Why did he not find out at the scan?" Amelie asks her daughter gently, moving around to sit with her.

"He was too busy writing an ode to Bob in his diary," Vicky spits back, "He forgot about it!"

At the mention of the diary, Chaz ducks down further in her seat, keen to avoid the backlash she could get from the knowledge she learned. But, stupidly, she opens her mouth. "Oh, the one about how Bob is his bestest friend? Yeah, we read that!"

Myrnin, once again, freezes, whilst the rest of the room gasps at Chaz: the debacle about hating each other as well as the twins issue is over whilst they are shocked that she invaded Myrnin's diary to learn this fact.

"You read his diary?" Vicky smiles. "Good, I wanted to for ages but couldn't find it… where was it?"

"in the copy of Lord of the Flies," Chaz responds instantly, causing everyone to 'ahhh' in understanding: they all hate that book so would never find it. "I'd have thought, personally, he'd have upgraded to an internet one but, yano, evidently not!" she muses, just as Sam moves over the barrier to hug his daughter.

"Sorry honey," he whispers as he hugs her and his two grandchildren, all anger forgotten on both sides. "I didn't really mean it," he continues and she smiles.

She decides not to go down the route of 'I hate you and you are never going to see your grandchildren' as she was going to if one of them stormed out, instead simply agreeing with him and laughing…

… at the same time, Myrnin launches himself at Chaz, angered she read his diary, so Richard has to taser him down to stop him attacking…

… also at the same time, the back doors open, and guess who walks in?

That's right.

Jeremy Kyle.

"I couldn't stay away!" he explains his reason for returning, his jaw hairy with unshavenness. "It's too addictive! Have you anymore issues, now that this has been dealt with?" he crosses his fingers, pleading for a yes.

"She… she read my diary!" Myrnin wails as he sits up from the Tasering, beginning to sob. The rest of them ignore him whilst nodding at Jeremy.

"YES!" Jeremy cries, dancing. "I get to be Mr Authority again! Whoooop!"

And with that, Richard says, "I declare this court closed… sheesh, it's hot in here, no wonder McDermott goes starkers!"

So they all leave.

The end.

Next one shall be done soon!

This is over 5000 words!

LOL

Review please!

Vicky xx