Letter Goodbye
By Bohemian Storm
Disclaimer: I don't own them, they belong to J.K. Rowling.
Notes: This is a result of too much chocolate and feeling weepy over the impending death in Book Five
Dear Harry,
I hope all is well at Hogwarts, I know how much you enjoy working there. Trust me, everything will work out for the best. I'm sorry that I couldn't come to see your graduation, but I'm still running. You know that.
I can't run anymore. I've spent the last five years of my life on the run and my name still isn't cleared. I never expected to be away for so long and for that I'm sorry. I wanted to be the godfather I was meant to be; I wanted to take care of you like no one ever had before. I wanted you to feel as though you finally had the family you had lost when you were just a baby.
But I can't do that for you. Not now, not ever. I lost the fight, Harry. I tried so hard but even I can't do it anymore. I hurt everywhere. My body aches all the time and my heart hurts, Harry. It hurts and there's nothing that I can do to relieve that pain.
I wish you had been able to see us when we were younger. I thought about how much fun you would have had playing pranks with me. Your friend Ron would have loved the kind of things I pulled when I was at Hogwarts. I was so different then, but you would have loved the person I was. We would have been best friends like I was with your father.
I'll bet your friend Hermione would have gotten along perfectly with Remus when he was younger. They're two of the kind with their books and their intelligence. Hermione is maybe a bit more fiery than Remus had been, but I can imagine them being great friends.
You would have been a hit with James and Lily when they were younger. You're so much like both of them in different ways. You have James's love of Quidditch and his down to earth attitude, but you have Lily's shy exterior and warm interior. You have her eyes and his hair, I'm sure you hear that all the time but did you know about your smile, Harry? Did you know that your mouth turns up on one corner more than the other like James's smile? And did you know that your smile is incredibly contagious, like Lily's? I'll bet no one has ever told you that before.
I want to tell you everything but I'm afraid I can't do that. I only have a little while longer before the Dementors find me. They know where I'm staying, you see and I'm just so sick of running from them. I wrote in a journal, Harry and I hope that's enough to explain to you a little more about your parents and their lives. I can't tell you everything before they come for me, but perhaps the journal can explain the things I never could.
Don't come looking for me once you receive this letter, Harry. I'll be gone before Hedwig even makes it out my window. Yes, she's here. It's as if she knew that I'd need to send you a very special letter. I couldn't trust any other bird with this letter and I think she knew it.
I'm sorry I couldn't come see you once more. I'm sorry that I missed your graduation and the important things in your life. I suppose I was rather like an absent parent in that regard, wasn't I? I wish I could have been more for you, but I've let you down like so many other adults have done. I wish I could have been the one to prove to you than some of us are different. Some of us care and some of us love you more than we love ourselves. I wanted to be there while you grew up and I always thought I would be. I would have been at James and Lily's house every single day to see you but that never happened.
When they died I wanted to be your guardian and your parent, but I couldn't. I was in Azkaban and I'm so sorry that I let myself be taken there without a fight for you.
I failed you, Harry. I'm sorry, but I failed you.
They're close. I can feel the cold seeping into my room but I'm not done. There's so much I need to say and there isn't enough time for me to say it. I wish they hadn't found me just yet. I need another day, just one more day and then I could tell you everything I've always wanted.
I didn't mean to fail you.
I'm sorry.
They're here, Harry and I should go down to meet them. It would be rude to leave them standing on my doorstep.
I love you, Harry. I want to make up for all the wrongs that have happened to you, but I'm not the person to do that. I love you and I wish things were better for you.
Give my love to Ron, Hermione and Remus. Thank Dumbledore for me.
Tell Snape to keep his oversized nose out of your life.
I love you. Don't ever doubt that.
Sirius