Chapter 1: Coffee
A/N: This chapter is set in the beginning of Season 1 somewhere. Where exactly? I don't know, and I don't really care, so... Whatever... Just read now... And like it... Because I said so... Or something... I guess...
"What are you working on again?" Morty asked curiously as he handed Rick a screwdriver. His grandfather had been preoccupied with some device for the last ten minutes: That was a hell-of-a long time, considering it took Rick less than four minutes to make bombs massive enough to destroy everything in a mile radius and two minutes to make a keg of quality moonshine.
Rick hummed in slight annoyance. "What does it look like, M-OURGH-ty? I'm-I'm making a coffee machine!" Morty started.
"A coffee machine?! That doesn't look like a coffee machine..." Morty observed a bluish hazy glow coming from an inner chamber of black metal and an assortment of buttons with a lever on the side. The weirdest thing by far was that it had a green piece of paper on top that Morty could swear was breathing. "Aehhh..."
"Oh really? Well I'm sorry if I didn't properly conform to the rules of making c-OUGH-ffee machines! Everyone will-will tell you what to make and how to make it, Morty, but don't listen to em! You gotta, you gotta make it how you want it Morty, and this is what I want my damn coffee machine to look like!"
Morty tried not to roll his eyes. "Okay, fine Rick, jeez. I was just, I was just saying..."
"Well don't say," Rick advised. "There, finished!" Rick stood up and grabbed a purple crystal from a shelf. He proceeded to crush it up, put it onto the living green filter-shaped material at the top of the machine, and then poured hot water onto it that he'd been heating with a blow torch for the last three minutes.
Morty squirmed uncomfortably as he watched the green bio material wiggle and start to soak up the crystal-lined water.
"Why the crystals? What are they for?" Morty asked. "And why do you want it to pass through that weird green living skin stuff?" This was simply not making sense to the boy.
"God, Morty, can't you see what it is? Why do you ask so many questions?" Rick sighed. "I-I-It's a living creature that will filter the mix, a-and will ensure that we'll have maximum crystal particles per water coverage."
"You mean it's gonna-?!"
"Yes, Morty, it's going to excrement my coffee brew." Morty looked disgusted.
"And you're going to drink this why?!" Morty asked tersely.
"God Morty, don't be so loud! I still have a headache from last night," Rick chastised. "You know, you know, you know the most expensive coffee beans in the w-OUGH-rld are, are beans that have been crapped out if a squirrel's ass, do-on't you?"
Mort started up straight. "Well," he said, "I'm never having coffee again! Gee, couldn't you have just n-n-not told me t-that?!" Mort groaned.
Rick largely ignored him, pulling the now purple-blue glowing center container from the machine. "Well you're going to drink it at least one more time, Morty," Rick said as he downed a cup, re-filled it, and handed the cup to Morty. He then turned around and opened a green swirling portal on the garage door. "Hurry up and drink that Morty and then follow me!" Rick said before entering the portal, and Morty could tell that the 'coffee' had instantly helped Rick become more awake and aware, lessening the previously visible side-effects of Rick having gotten too drunk the night before.
Morty looked at the 'coffee,' smelt it, felt instantly revolted, grimaced, and then decided that he could go without the coffee. He, after all, hadn't been the one drunk off his ass last night. He wasn't so tired that he needed an energy boost, so he tossed the liquid into the garbage before setting the now empty cup on the workbench, running through the portal just as it closed.
The world Morty emerged on had a deep magenta-colored ground, with a deeper purple sky and a nearby revolving blue sun. It would be marveling to most people, but it was a fairly regular occurrence for Morty to see such planets, so he didn't think much of it. He saw Rick a few meters away and walked over to him.
"So where are we?" Morty asked.
"Dimension Z-352, planet Alpha-Q-7. Why do you ask if, if you won't actually take the time to memorize it?" Rick didn't look up from his devise. "And why the f*** do I take the time to respond?!"
"I, just, uhh..."
"Shh! Just drop it. C'mon, this way! My scanner says there are some Vaxians over here." Rick pointed towards the horizon. "This is a small celestial planet, so we won't have to go far to find them."
"What are Vaxians?" Morty asked.
"Not what, Morty. Who! In this dimension there's a single race that manages trading for the whole universe. This little rock is where the illegal stuff is sold," Rick said.
"I-illegal stuff? Like what?" Morty asked nervously.
"Don't worry about it Morty. There's a lot of government regulations out here Morty; practically everything is illegal! You-you can't think about stuff like the law, Morty!"
"Oh," Morty said quietly. When he next looked up, he saw a crummy-looking wooden hut with a tilted, rickety frame, barely standing in the center of a hazel-colored grass field. They approached the structure and Rick walked right in.
"Hey Vaxian," Rick said, "I need a double-processor boson generator," Rick said. Behind a splintered wooden counter was a grey-skinned creature with small black eyes and horns that pointed straight forwards. It looked up instantly as Rick and Morty entered the shack.
"Rick, I see you're back," the Vaxian said. "What do you need a boson generator for?" He asked.
"Hey, that's my business," Rick said. "Now do you have one or not?" The Vaxian laughed.
"Sure I do. Give me a second." He pulled out a device and pressed a button on it. To Morty's surprise, a light blue beam of light penetrated the roof and dropped a chrome box onto the wooden countertop.
"Great," Rick said. "How much for it?"
The Vaxian hummed in thought when his eyes suddenly cast downward. "Who's your little friend here?" The Vaxian asked, and Rick seemed to almost physically tense at Morty's side.
"Again, that's nine of your Goddamn business," Rick said darkly. "Now, I've got about a hundred Lexons on me. That should be more than enough."
A hundred Lexons was, in fact, more than enough. In reality, it was actually probably more than three times what the generator was worth. The only problem was that Vaxians were greedy, and once they put their mind to something, they wouldn't rest until they got what they wanted. Rick could see now that he made a fatal mistake. He should have left Morty outside! He hadn't really considered that the Vaxian could become interested in Morty; it was rare for a Vaxian to ask for living payment. Rick hoped that the Vaxian was just mildly curious and hadn't decided anything yet, in which case such a large sum of payment should distract the Vaxian.
"Hmmm," the creature hummed. "A hundred Lexons does sound nice..." It said, "but that's far too much. How about instead I just take the little creature you have with you?" The Vaxian asked. "It can only be worth twenty-five or so Lexons anyway, right?" The horned creature fixated its little black eyes on Morty, fascinated by what it saw. Rick instinctively pushed Morty behind him.
"No, I insist. You and I have been doing business for a long time," Rick said. "Just take the Lexons." The Vaxian shifted back, clearly thinking deeply about it. Its eyes tried to fixate on Morty again, but Rick hid him behind his back.
Morty was confused, and getting somewhat scared. He knew better than to ask any questions at this point; whatever was happening, it had Rick tense, which couldn't be good at all.
The Vaxian sighed deeply. "How much do you want this device?" The Vaxian asked. Rick grumbled and returned the sigh.
"Not that much," he said, now backing himself and Morty towards the door. The creature stood from its spot behind the counter, watching them carefully. "How-how 'bout I just come back another day?" To Morty, he whispered: "Quick, Morty, out the door, go!"
Morty blinked for a moment before obeying. As soon as the door to the little shack was creaking on its hinges, the Vaxian was bolting upright and towards them with a shriek.
"Run Morty, go, run!" Rick didn't have to tell him a second time. They sprinted from the shop, a screech piercing the air behind them. Morty looked back just long enough to see that the Vaxian had just slammed its way through the front door, splinters of destroyed wood flying everywhere, its eyes no longer black, but blood red, and sharp teeth had grown and were now protruding from its mouth.
"Oh, shit," Morty said as he kept running, Rick passing him because he'd slowed to look back.
"Just keep running Morty!" Rick demanded. He shot a portal towards a tree in front of them. The green oval swirled into existence. "Through the portal, Morty! Go!"
Rick entered first, slipping though the portal with ease, but just as Morty was trying to step in, he was met with resistance. Instead of letting Morty through as it had done thousands of times before, the portal acted as a trampoline, stretching inward as he ran into it full-force and then sling-shooting him backwards. Morty was thrown back and to the ground with a sharp "oof".
"RICK!" Morty hollered, panicked. He went to stand and move towards the portal again, but was stopped as the towering form of the Vaxian leaned over him from behind, blocking the portal from view.
"Looks like he's leaving you to me after all," it said. "How thoughtful of him." Its teeth barred and Morty yelled, trying to back away from the face leaning over, but he ultimately only moved himself backwards and towards the body of the creature which had just captured him. The Vaxian reached out a now razor-sharp clawed hand down towards him….
Only for it to be blown off by a carefully-aimed blast from one of Rick's many ray guns. "DAMN IT Morty! You didn't drink the F***ing coffee, DID YOU?!"
The Vaxian shrieked and stepped back away from Morty as Morty scrambled to get up and run to his grandfather's side. "C-coffee? I-I-You actually expected me to drink that?! I thought you were messing with me!"
"Goddamnit Morty," Rick groaned. "Climb the tree!" Morty turned around and looked up at the massive tree behind them. The lowest branch was at least ten feet in the air, out of Morty's reach, and the trunk was as thick as a car.
"How am I supposed to-?" Morty's question was cut off as Rick growled again, clearly annoyed, and shot his portal gun again, this time at the ground near the tall tree.
"Jump in the portal Morty!" He commanded as he shot at the Vaxian a few more times, who had already healed from the first shot and was now even more furious and powerful than it had been before.
"But I thought I couldn't go through the por-"
"JUST DO IT MORTY!"
Morty jumped, startled by his grandfather's yell, and did as he'd been told. He jumped on the portal, his weight making him sink into it a bit, and then it shot him upwards, up towards the tree branches above him. Morty gasped, surprised, and then clutched at one of the lower branches as he came up high enough to greet it.
Rick glanced back at his grandson to ensure he'd made it to relative safety before turning around and jumping into the portal himself, disappearing into it, the green swirling light vanishing into thin air.
"R-Rick?" Morty asked from his spot perched on a branch. He looked down and saw the Vaxian approach. It snarled up at him before sinking its claws into the bark of the thick tree. It began to hoist itself up.
"Oh, crud, oh man," Morty said under his breath, turning around and reaching for another branch above him. He began to work his way up the tree, trying to out-climb the creature which was slowly but surely clawing its way up to the branches. "Rick?" Morty called again, but there was no answer. His grandfather was not there to hear him.
Morty glanced down when he heard a snap below him, noticing that the Vaxian had reached a branch and broken part of it off because of its heavy weight. It didn't fall though, claws still firmly in the trunk, and it continued its climb, this time at a faster pace, aided by the branches.
Morty scrambled upwards, trying to pick up his own climbing pace but ultimately only going slower as smaller branches that scratched him and pushed back at him became more frequent the higher he went. The Vaxian was quickly closing in on him.
"RICK?!" Morty yelled this time as the Vaxian got close enough to swipe its claws at him and just barely miss his lower leg. Morty screamed when it tried again and this time caught him, tugging him downward. Morty held onto the branch above him for dear life, resisting the painfully sharp sting of the razor claws embedded in his left leg that sent searing white-hot pain through him every time the Vaxian tugged at him. Tears invaded Morty's vision and he knew he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.
A blissful sci-fi sound which Morty had heard numerous times before greeted his ears. He looked towards it just in time to see Rick finish stepping though a portal and onto a branch nearby. He shot the Vaxian again, making it let go of Morty, but not fall, before reaching down and pulling his grandson up onto the more stable branch.
"Drink it this time, Morty," Rick said sternly, shoving a cup of 'coffee,' as Rick had called it earlier, into Morty's hands. Morty instantly began to drink, despite the strong black-coffee-esque taste that invaded his mouth. "I had to make a whole new, a whole fresh batch because you f***in' threw your portion away earlier. I hope you're happy now Morty that I went through all this trouble for you." Morty nodded mutely, handing the cup back to Rick with slight tears in his eyes as pain still coursed through his left leg. He followed Rick through the portal as the Vaxian neared again, Rick pausing momentarily to drop a small round device.
As soon as the portal had closed, the little device exploded, disintegrating the Vaxian and the entire tree with it, along with everything else for a hundred-foot radius.
Morty groaned and sat down on a chair in the lab, letting his muscles relax as best as he could get them to.
"That planet has barriers up to prevent the teleportation of beings off the planet, in case anything gets stolen. That coffee is the blend used by the Vaxians who work there to counter-act the defenses against theft," Rick clarified.
"Next time, Morty," he said, sounding both annoyed and smug simultaneously, "just drink the damn coffee."
Morty glared, but did not verbally respond.
A/N: Well, that was random as balls.
Rickiew-Rickview-Review, or something like that... Yeah, just, type words and send them to me. Or don't. I don't know, I don't care, I'm gonna go play air-hockey by myself now. I'll update this again whenever I feel like it. Maybe sooner if other people feel like it too.