"Denied anything ardently desired, the individual or state will argue and parley just so long - then, if the impelling motive be sufficiently great, will cast aside every rule and break down every acquired inhibition, plunging viciously after the object wished; all the more fantastically savage because of previous repression."
- H.P. Lovecraft

Chapter I:

The Secret

Billy

Billy took one last drag on his cigarette before flicking it into the street. He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against his blue Camaro. Though it was still early in the day, the summer heat warmed Billy's car. He took off his sunglasses, closed his eyes, and enjoyed the sensation of the sun warming his face.

He let out a discontented sigh as he reminisced about living in California. Billy had intended to spend the summer there with some of his friends. However, his father had confiscated all of his savings in order to pay for the damage caused by their last fight. Ironically, his father had inflicted the majority of the damage – and not just on the house.

Billy was awaiting the arrival of the rest of the construction crew. To make up the savings he had lost, he had to work two jobs. Construction by day and by night he worked in a garage as a mechanic assistant. Per usual, the rest of the crew was late. Billy put his sunglasses back on and was about to light another cigarette when he saw a familiar face.

Steve Harrington had pulled into the drive across the street, where his new girlfriend lived – though she could hardly be called that. She wasn't anywhere near to being on Billy's radar but he learned her name and association with Harrington from Max. Billy thought that normally she wouldn't be on Harrington's radar either. She was not ugly but she was not part of the popular social group. Her and Steve weren't dating per se but apparently spent a lot of time together.

Samantha – that was her name – was a goth theater chick. She wore dark makeup, dyed her hair, and usually hung out with the other theater dorks except for the rare party. She starkly contrasted with Nancy Wheeler, perhaps that was part of the appeal. However, Harrington was not the same person as he was last fall and to be honest, neither was Billy.

Steve

Steve immediately noticed Billy Hargrove as he turned onto Samantha's street. He was hard not to notice. He was leaning against his car with his hands in the pockets of his denim cutoff shorts. For the first time since Steve had met Billy, he actually looked peaceful with his eyes closed and his face relaxed. Steve had been aware that Billy had been working across from Samantha's house for nearly a week. He had been to her house every day since he found out.

Everyone assumed that he and Samantha were sleeping together. Jonathon became friends with her first and then he introduced her to Steve and Nancy. Nancy was not too fond of her but Steve and Samantha became quick friends. By graduation, Steve was spending most of his time with Samantha. However, they were just friends.

After everything that had happened the past two years, Steve had a difficult time adjusting back to normal life. He had no friends apart from Jonathon, Nancy, and the kids. Eventually, school became even more meaningless than it had been previously and his grades plummeted. Though he cared deeply for both Jonathon and Nancy, Steve was at his breaking point when Samantha was introduced to the group. Samantha was a welcome relief from not only Jonathon and Nancy's love fest but also from any talk of the Upside Down.

Unlike Nancy and Jonathon, Steve did not see the point in always discussing the atrocities of the Upside Down. At times he wished he could forget it all and go on pretending that nothing had happened. He knew that it was unhealthy to bury it and that had even led to the demise of his and Nancy's relationship. Eventually, repressing the memories also caused Steve to experience nightmares.

The nightmares started after Nancy had broken up with him and he was at his lowest. The constant antagonization that he had received from Billy did not help matters either. When he started helping Dustin and the other kids, it gave him something to keep his mind occupied from Nancy and the nightmares. However, at night his head was still filled with the horrors of the Upside Down. Funnily enough, when Billy had beaten him senseless, Steve dreamt peacefully.

Afterwards, Steve realized he had made the mistake of throwing the first punch. He had already lost a fight with Jonathon so he should have known better than to get into another fight. However, there was absolutely no fucking way that Steve was going to stand by as Billy bullied the kids. Steve understood that he had started it and that of course Billy would hit him back but was having trouble comprehending the extent to which Billy took it. There was so much rage and passion in his punches and surely Steve was not the cause of such anger.

Steve became increasingly interested in learning about Billy; he wanted and needed to know where that anger was coming from. Even in the beginning, while he was still recovering, Steve couldn't blame Billy. He could sense that his rage and hatred were deep-seated and not directed towards him, though Steve probably made a good punching bag in the moment. He tried pressing Max for information on her stepbrother, but she knew about as much as he did.

At school, Steve had to endure Tommy's insults about his bruised and broken appearance but to his surprise, Tommy did not know Billy was responsible. Billy had taken Steve's throne, with everyone referring to him as "King Billy". He was the school's star basketball player and popular with all of the girls, just like Steve had been at one time. Steve still played basketball with the team but he and Billy avoided each other like the plague. Steve wondered if it had to do with Max's threats.

Somehow, Steve's thoughts and dreams had been replaced with Billy. He knew it was an obsession, but for some reason Steve could not shake his curiosity even after his face was no longer a constant reminder. One day, much to Steve's surprise, Billy had approached him in the hallway. Steve was apprehensive but tried to play it cool. He was not expecting Billy to apologize.

He recalled with perfect memory the words that Billy had said, "Hey Harrington, you got a sec?" Steve wordlessly nodded and stood next to him. "I… there's been something I've wanted to say for a while now. I'm… sorry." It wasn't much but it was an apology and more than Steve had ever hoped for. Max shared her own surprise with the group the next week. Billy had apologized to her as well and gave her an explanation for why he had acted so aggressively towards her and Lucas.

All that Max had initially known about the family's move from California to Indiana, besides issues with Max's dad, was that Billy had gotten expelled for fighting and Neil and Susan. However, there was more to it. Billy was friends with a black guy and after other students threw racist remarks at him, Billy started a brutal fight leading to his expulsion. When Billy's father found out, he was pissed and gave Billy the worst beating he'd ever received. Not because he was kicked out of school but because he had been defending a black person.

Billy explained to Max that his aggression towards her friendship with Lucas was his attempt at protecting Max from his father. He was worried that if his dad found out, Max could receive a beating. Max also told the group that Billy was also starting to be nice to her – well nice for Billy. He even bought her a new skateboard. Max wasn't sure of the reason behind Billy's newfound kindness but thought it might have been due to her threats.

Steve did not learn anything else about Billy for the remainder of the school year. However, he did notice that Tommy was no longer stuck up Billy's ass. Steve heard a rumor from Nancy that Carol had broken it off with Tommy in order to go out with Billy. Steve never witnessed Billy and Carol together but that didn't mean anything. Though he was skeptical that the rumor was even true considering how long Tommy and Carol had been going out.

With what little Steve knew about Billy, he desired to learn much more. As he pulled into Samantha's driveway, Steve saw Billy move. Billy put on his glasses and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He put one to his lips and was about to light it when he looked up and saw Steve. Trying to act casual, Steve attempted to make his way to Samantha's front door.

"Harrington!" Billy shouted across the street wearing that demonic grin, "Never too early for some pussy, right?" Steve could feel his face turn red with embarrassment. Not knowing what to say, Steve simply nodded his head and rang the doorbell. It was only a few seconds before Samantha opened the door, but it felt like an eternity. Before the door could close, Steve could hear Billy whoop.

Samantha heard and turned to Steve, "What is that all about?" He could feel himself blushing, "Oh… nothing. You know how those types of guys can be." Samantha scoffed, "You mean assholes? Yeah I have an idea. C'mon let's go upstairs." Samantha put on the Smiths album, which Steve begrudgingly had to admit he was starting to like. Samantha was starting to complain about missing their gig in Chicago back a couple of weeks ago for about the hundredth time. Steve nodded his head but was not really listening; he was focused on watching Billy from the safety of Samantha's window.

Billy

Billy didn't know what made him shout at Steve, though he did enjoy teasing him. He loved to see Harrington turn red and squirm and it didn't take much. During that first basketball practice where Billy had showed Steve up, he tried giving Harrington some advice that he didn't take. In the showers, after Tommy was being a dick about Harrington's breakup, Billy tried to be friendly and give him some dating guidance. Though he didn't want to give Harrington the impression that he was too friendly, so he turned off the shower to fuck with him.

When Billy was looking for Max and found her with Harrington and those other boys, he was worried for her. He found it odd that Harrington was there with a bunch of kids. He had to make sure she was okay and Harrington was in his way. He knew Max was in there with Lucas and he had to put a stop to her hanging out with him. Billy had witnessed his father abuse his mother, she sometimes hit him first and always talked back. Susan was meek and quiet, so Billy hoped that it would prevent her from getting smacked around. Max, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. Her attitude and penchant for hanging out with a black boy would surely guarantee a beating from his father.

Billy had endured abuse from his father since he could remember. His mother would try to defend and protect him but that just ended in her becoming bloodied and bruised as well. Eventually, after a couple hospital visits, she stopped intervening. However, she was always there afterwards to comfort Billy. When Billy was 15 years old, his mother drove off the road and hit a tree. She wasn't found for hours after the accident and she had bled to death. Sometimes Billy has the thought that his mother may have drove off the road intentionally.

Neil met Susan at work, less than a year after Billy's mother, Emily, had died. Within six months, Neil and Susan were married. Before their marriage, Susan had been divorced from Max's dad for a few years. Max had spent a lot of time with her father before the move. Billy assumed that's why she was a tomboy and had an attitude. He also knew that was the other reason why they had moved to Hawkins, Susan and Neil wanted a fresh start as a family without Max's father getting in the way.

Despite her attitude, Max had really grown on Billy. He tried to hate her but despite his best efforts, including the attempt to make her hate him, he could not help but care for her. He no longer called her his "stepsister"; she was his sister, his family. Billy explained to Max, excluding some details, why he was so hostile towards her friendship with Lucas. He tried to make amends by apologizing, which included the purchase of a new skateboard. However, he understood that it would take Max awhile to forgive and begin to trust him.

The remainder of the construction crew had arrived a short time after Harrington went inside. Billy was working on the framing for the roof and glanced across to Samantha's house. The sun's glare was preventing Billy from seeing inside the windows. He wondered if Harrington could see him and remembered how nervous he was when he apologized to Steve.

Billy had a lot of questions following the night he assaulted Harrington. He had awakened in the front yard the next morning with a massive headache and not being able to recall all of the details from the night before. He remembered hitting Steve and how good it had felt, plus there was the evidence of his bruised knuckles. He also remembered Max taking a baseball bat and just barely missing his junk before making him promise to leave her and her friends alone.

Something that continued to plague Billy since that night was his conflicting emotions regarding the fight with Steve. Harrington deserved a beating but Billy knew that he had taken it too far. After dealing with his father earlier that night and then to have Harrington tell him what to do, he was furious and took it out on him. Yet, as guilty as Billy felt, he still enjoyed it. Billy loved the rush of adrenaline, the feeling of his knuckles hitting flesh and bone. He could almost get off on it.

When he saw Harrington afterwards, Billy was ashamed for finding joy in violence. Steve's bruised and swollen face made Billy sick to his stomach. Harrington's normally pale and perfect complexion had been transformed into a red, yellow, and purple mess. One of his eyes, which reminded Billy of a sad puppy, had broken vessels and was blood red around his brown iris. His soft pink lips had become red and puffy. Billy had brushed away the thought of what lips like that would feel like.

During basketball practice, Billy avoided Steve out of the guilt he felt. He knew that he needed to apologize, regardless if Harrington accepted it or not. Billy could not muster the courage to say sorry until after Steve was healed. He procrastinated until one day he saw Harrington in the hallway. Billy quickly stammered out an apology and walked away. He did not want to see that same look of contempt on Harrington's features that he'd seen so many times before.

Billy and the rest of the crew were packing up at sundown when he noticed Steve leaving. Something came over Billy once he saw Harrington looking his way. He smiled, blew Steve a kiss, and continued to smile as he flipped Harrington off. Steve looked bewildered for a second before shaking his head and laughing as he got in his car. As he pulled out of the driveway, he rolled down his window and proceeded to give Billy the finger while still wearing a grin. Billy thought that was the only time that Harrington had genuinely smiled at him.

Steve

Steve was still smiling halfway home. He didn't know what to think at first when Billy had blown him a kiss. His heart skipped a couple beats until Billy gave him the finger. Steve then laughed nervously as he got in the car but he could not get rid of the smile on his face. He wanted to respond to Billy other than laughing, so he rolled down the window and flipped him off. Still smiling, Steve remembered watching Billy from Samantha's window. At one point, Billy had removed his shirt and the sight of his glistening body had awakened a feeling that Steve was starting to become familiar with.

Of course Steve had experienced attraction and arousal, but nothing to this degree. The best that Steve could describe it was pure carnal lust. His entire body was enflamed in desire for Billy. Steve had quickly looked away and thought of naked grandmothers, he did not want to experience the awkwardness of a hard-on at the moment. He didn't want Samantha to get the wrong idea. No girl, not even Nancy, had produced anything close to what he was feeling. He wanted Billy in every way imaginable.

As soon as Steve arrived home, he went straight to his room and stripped naked. While he lay on his bed, Steve began stroking his rock hard cock. He thought about Billy and how he had felt seeing him shirtless and working up a sweat. Steve spit into his hand and smoothly stroked his dick, biting his lip and going as fast as he could. He imagined Billy's mouth around his cock and before his imagination could get too creative, Steve came. He grabbed a towel that had been lying on his floor and cleaned up the mess. "What the fuck?" Steve said out loud, "What is fucking wrong with me?"

He wanted to punch the wall, hit something. Steve started pacing around his room, trying to suppress the urge for violence. He nervously ran his hands through his hair and screamed in exasperation. Luckily he was the only one home. Steve was experiencing a full range of emotions today. He was feeling a mix of regret and guilt along with self-hatred. The self-hatred was a familiar friend, at least since Nancy had broken up with him. He was feeling absolutely disgusted with himself at the moment, just like he always felt after masturbating with Billy on his mind. It certainly wasn't the first time and probably far from the last.

There was only one gay student at Hawkins that Steve knew of, he was constantly harassed and occasionally beat up. Hawkins was a small town in Indiana, what more could be expected? Steve knew that he couldn't possibly be gay, he liked girls and he liked fucking girls. He had even loved a girl. But what other explanation could there be? He'd heard the term bisexual but did not exactly know what it meant. One thing Steve knew for certain was that he could never let anyone know about his feelings for Billy.