TITLE: Loneliness
AUTHOR: Seersha
RATING: K+
PAIRING: Angel/Cordelia (friendship only)
SPOILERS: Season 2
DISTRIBUTION: Please do not archive anywhere. It will be up at FF if you would like to link to it.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters (obviously) and no copyright infringement is intended. No profit is made from this fanfiction.
TIMELINE: Sometime amongst the Darla arc during season 2.
SUMMARY: Cordelia is determined to ensure Angel doesn't feel lonely.
NOTE: Originally published November 2000.
.-.-.
The door to the Hyperion Hotel opened, being pushed rather roughly as Angel limped into the lobby.
Cordelia and Wesley looked up from their readings, at the sound of the opening door and watched silently as Angel entered.
He seemed tired, moving stiffly. He was obviously injured... and by the looks of things, rather badly.
"Are you okay?" Cordelia asked as she stepped from Wesley's side around the counter and moved towards the vampire.
"I'm fine," he said, taking off his coat with a slight grimace and flinging it over the couch arm.
Wesley and Cordelia exchanged a look. Angel was being dismissive again, brushing off their concern for him. 'Nothing like a macho vampire', Cordelia thought silently as she watched Angel walk, or rather limp, towards the stairs.
"Where are you going?" she asked him as he passed her.
"Bed," he told her. "I need to get a good... rest-of-the-night's sleep."
"Are you sure you're alright?" Wesley asked, coming to stand beside Cordelia as they watched Angel ascend the stairs.
"Guys, I said I'm fine," Angel repeated, glancing back at them before continuing.
Once Angel was out of sight, Cordelia sighed. It was a sigh of annoyance that Angel wouldn't open up to them lately and of feeling helpless to offer him any help.
Ever since the Wolfram and Hart and Darla scenario, Angel had slowly been getting more distant from them. He hardly talked to them anymore and was too stubborn to accept their support. They both wished he would tell them how he was feeling lately.
Wesley looked at Cordelia as she walked over to plop down on the couch where Angel had left his duster.
"Are you alright?" he asked her.
She looked at him and shook her head slightly. "I just feel so helpless. Angel's been cutting us off from him so much lately. I want to help him and it's obvious he is not okay."
"Yes, I agree," Wesley said, lowering himself into a chair opposite Cordelia.
"I mean, he won't even let us help bandage his wounds anymore!" she stated, trying to use an annoying tone to hide the fear that etched it.
Wesley wasn't fooled. "You're worried about him more than usual," he observed.
"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I be? There happens that there's a lot to worry about when worrying about Angel. Especially lately. He hardly says 'hello' and 'goodbye' when he enters the room these days! Pretty soon all we'll get from him is a grunt. Before we know it, we'll have Caveman-Angel on our hands!"
"I don't think it will get that bad, Cordelia. Angel does have an ability to shut people out when he wants to, but sooner or later... he'll let us back in. When he's ready."
"And when do you think that will be?"
Wesley looked down a moment, then back at Cordelia. "I don't know."
"What's wrong with him?" she asked Wesley, needing to have some kind of clue about Angel's state of mind lately.
"I think perhaps... he's lonely," Wesley said quietly, sadness in his voice.
"Lonely? Why? He's got us. We're here for him."
"Yes, we are. But only as friends. I mean, I think he's lonely for love... companionship."
"But, why now? He seemed to be getting better before Darla reared her pretty head!"
"Angel was never in love with Darla, but I think she did remind him just how much they shared. I actually think... somehow, she actually brought up more his loneliness for Buffy than anything else. He's missing her."
"He's always missing Buffy," Cordelia said softly.
Wesley knew that was right. But he continued anyway.
"I think with Darla coming back and all, he was reminded of how much he could have used Buffy's support to deal with it all. All the pain and all the buried feelings that Darla stirred up... he had to do it all alone. He probably feels that if he'd had Buffy, it would have been a lot easier for him to cope."
"But we could have done that! If he'd talked to us about it... we could have helped him. We still can. God, by now he should know that we'll help him through anything!" Cordelia wailed, feeling a little hurt.
"He knows he's got us," Wesley confirmed. "But he also knows that there are certain things we'll never understand about him... about his life. He gets home of a night and he goes to bed... alone. I think he's missing having someone to be able to hold when he sleeps or when he cries. Do you know what it must be like for Angel? To know that he'll never be allowed to be completely happy again? It only makes it worse for him that he knows what true happiness is like. If we've never experienced true happiness, we don't know exactly what is it and... we don't miss it. We only miss the idea of it. But since he knows what it's like..."
"It makes it harder to live without," Cordelia finished quietly. She knew what Wesley was saying, and she felt like she could kind of understand it all. "So, you think Angel's acting more distant because he's lonely for Buffy?"
"I think the loneliness is getting to him a great deal at the moment," Wesley said, avoiding giving Cordelia a direct 'yes' or 'no' answer. "I mean, Angel can't be alone forever. Loneliness is a scary thing to face, especially if you've got forever to live."
"Hey, I'm single and alone and I have no problems talking," Cordelia pointed out.
Wesley sighed. "It's different for us. We know that we can be as happy as we like and nothing will happen. Angel knows that if he's happy, he'll become the very thing that he hates the most."
"Angelus."
"Yes, exactly. Plus, the thing about Angel is, he's always felt that anything bad that he felt or anything bad that happened to him is what he deserves. No matter how much he might be lonely, Angel sits there and thinks that he deserves it. That's why he won't talk to us."
Cordelia leaned back heavily against the couch. "I wish we could help him."
"So do I," Wesley agreed.
They looked at each other for a moment, letting the other know just how worried for Angel they really felt.
.-.-.
Angel entered his room and closed the door behind him heavily. He paused just inside of the door for a moment and closed his eyes. He sighed and moved to the bed, still limping slightly. He slowly removed his shirt, to avoid any abrupt movements. He winced as he moved his right shoulder to shrug out of the garment.
After laying the shirt on the bed, he moved his left hand to his right shoulder and looked at it. He'd dislocated it and the muscles were sore and stiff. Angel rotated his shoulder a bit, then let go and limped to the freezer to get some ice. His leg had a gash in his calf, he knew, under his pants. Luckily, it had stopped bleeding on the way home, but it still hurt like hell.
He got out some ice and held it to his shoulder firmly, hoping to ease the throbbing pain for a minute. He held the ice against his already cold skin for a few minutes, until it felt slightly numb, then put the ice down. Bracing his right hand against the near by wall, he held his shoulder with his left hand and snapped the joint back into place with a sharp crack. He winced at the pain, before taking an unnecessary breath to calm himself.
Sighing, he limped over to the bathroom and took the time and effort to fix up the gash in is leg by cleaning and bandaging it. After that was done, he got himself into a pair of fresh pants and slumped heavily into a comfy chair.
He leaned back, letting himself relax his muscles and closed his eyes, intending to just let himself fall asleep right there.
A loud knock at the door made Angel snap his eyes back open. He briefly wondered who it could be, before getting up and going to the door to open it.
Cordelia stood on the other side, her hands behind her back and a large grin on her face.
"Hi!" she said cheerfully, moving past him without bothering to let him invite her in.
Angel let the door swing shut and followed her into his room, where she made herself at home on his couch chairs. He sat opposite her, still not having been able to say a word.
Cordelia didn't wait for him to, either. "So, I was downstairs and thinking about how much you've been quiet lately and I thought that I would take it upon myself to come up here and cheer you up," she informed him.
He blinked at her, taking in her words. "Uh, Cordelia, it's a nice gesture and all, but..."
She cut him off, taking a bag from behind her back and pulling out objects from it as she spoke. "I brought videos! I've got one of those classic ones that were made in, like, the forties," she said, rolling her eyes. "I wasn't sure what kind of movies you like, so I just went with something old. Something you could relate to."
"Gee, that's thoughtful of you, Cordelia," Angel said sarcastically. But his need for rest was evident in his voice despite his tone.
"Or," she said, pulling out yet another video tape, not noticing. "We could watch a more modern film. How does 'Scream' sound to you?"
He raised his eyebrows at her, almost unbelieving.
Her grin faded slightly. "Riggghht. I get it. Not looking to see people get their heads cut off and guts ripped out. That's understandable, considering everything that you did when you were evil." She stopped suddenly. Her eyes widened as she realised what she'd just said. "Oh, my God! Angel, I wasn't thinking! I didn't mean it to sound like..."
"It's okay, Cordelia," he quickly assured her. "I know what you meant."
She smiled apologetically at him, searching his eyes for a moment for any traces of a false truth. She found none, and was happy that he'd taken no offence to her comment.
"So," he said, pausing. "Why are you really here?"
"What do you mean? I'm here to keep you company," she said, slightly defensively.
"Look, Cordelia, it's not that I'm not grateful, I am, but I don't need you coming up here to keep me company on the grounds of pity."
"I'm not here on the grounds of pity," she argued. "I just thought you could use some company right now. I mean, what with everything that's being going on lately."
"Uh-huh," he nodded, sceptically.
"Wesley and I just thought that you might be feeling a little lonely, that's all."
"You and Wesley?" he asked.
Cordelia nodded slightly. "Well, actually... mainly just Wesley."
Angel sighed knowingly, leaning back in his seat a bit.
"Let me guess. You and Wesley were discussing about how worried you've been about me as of late, and ended up feeling sorry for me. So, you thought you'd come up here to cheer me up," he recapped.
She looked down at her hands, feeling a little guilty. She knew he wasn't angry, but he probably didn't want them hovering around him just because they felt sorry for him. She supposed he was right, after all. She did feel sorry for him.
Angel didn't say a word, just waited patiently for Cordelia to look at him again.
"Okay," she relented. "Maybe a little pity was involved. And... I guess when I think about how lonely you must get and about what you have to go through, sometimes, I feel sorry for you. But, I also feel bad. I feel sad... because you're the one person in all the world who deserves it the least," she told him.
He laughed bitterly at her last comment. It wasn't bitterness directed at Cordelia herself, but rather, himself. "No," he said flatly. "I deserve it the most."
"Angel, would you quit that already!" she snapped. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Yeah, and it makes it so much better that you feel sorry for me," he said sarcastically.
She sighed. "Okay, point taken. I just... You're the best friend I've ever had... you're like my family - an irritating, protective older brother, or something," she said with a slight smile, which he returned. "And, I hate seeing you sad... a lot. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel less... lonely."
"Cordy, you and Wes know that you're the best family I've ever had. I know I'll have you guys there for me if I need you, but there are some things that I have to deal with on my own. And I don't want you guys to have to feel bad for me... because even though I may sometimes..." he trailed off when she gave him a look, "Okay, even though I may... most of the time... get lonely... it makes it easier having you two here for me to talk to or to just have... close."
Cordelia smiled a little and they shared the moment, both knowing the truth in his words. After a minute, Cordelia chuckled and grinned widely at him.
"I guess we'll settle for the black and white flick, then, huh?" she asked.
He smirked at her, reaching and taking the 'old movie' off the couch and moving to pop it into his VCR.
Cordelia watched him, still limping, as he switched the television on and pushed play.
Angel returned and sat on the couch beside her, both settling to get comfortable as the movie began screening.
He turned and looked silently at her, watching intently as she concentrated solely on the television screen. Sometimes, especially when she'd come up and give him a 'cheering up session', he'd forget that she was still only 19. She'd grown so much since she'd come to LA and he actually admired her strength.
'Yeah, the loneliness is easier,' he thought looking at Cordelia. 'A lot easier.'
.-.-.
END