A/N: OK, I normally don't do songfics but I love the Goo Goo Dolls and I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier. Oh yeah. I don't own Gilmore Girls. Or The Goo Goo Dolls. Although I wouldn't object to that. And can I just say that to get the dialogue from "Partings" for this episode, I had to watch that scene over and over and over again? I almost cried. So sad. Oh yeah, the song is "Feel the Silence" and it's off of the "Let Love In" album. Here goes...
Oh yeah, uno more thing. JOHN RZEZNIK IS A GENIUS :o) Ok, I'm done. Promise.
Feel the Silence
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
Lorelai felt the ring around her finger and twisted it again. She had finally done it. She would finally have her middle and her ending. She was married. She just couldn't figure out what was bothering her. She still felt unsettled. She couldn't shake this inexplicable sadness that had come over her. It was the same feeling she had when Rory and her were fighting. The feeling she got when she knew she hurt someone too deeply for a simple apology to work.
Turning over, she saw the clock flip to 2:30am. She inwardly cursed. She had to be at work at 8 the next morning. She sighed and forced herself to fall asleep.
All you remember now
Is what you feel
Lorelai stared the fuzzy clock down. Never before had she felt such hatred for an inanimate object. The clock read 1:30am, making this the second night she would go with barely any sleep since she had returned from France with her husband. She quietly got out of bed and silently padded downstairs to turn on the coffee machine. All she needed was one soothing cup and she would be falling asleep in no time. She spotted the book she was reading and opened it to occupy her thoughts while the coffee was brewing. The next hour was a series of her trying to read a sentence, putting down the book in frustration, and then picking it back up again. She had read a whole paragraph since she had come downstairs. She hated that even now even coffee couldn't fix what was wrong with her and that she couldn't seem to think about anything else. Sighing, she downed the rest of her coffee, shut off the coffee maker and walked upstairs for a night of staring down the alarm clock.
The truth remains
In midnight conversations
I asked for this moment
But you turned away
"Chris? Are you awake?" she asked the next night. It was 5 minutes until midnight.
"Yeah Lore." He hadn't been awake. "What's up?"
"I just feel so unsettled about Rory and me. I feel so bad about her not being there because we didn't wait, we didn't tell her and now she's mad at me."
"It'll be ok Lore. She's not that mad, just upset she missed it. It'll get better."
"I just feel so unsettled about the whole thing. That we didn't have family there."
"Lore, trust me, we did a good thing here. You're just jet lagged."
"I don't know if it is the jet lag, I just- Chris?" he had fallen back asleep. Resisting the urge to wake him back up and yell at him for brushing aside the fact that she was upset, she pulled up her covers and closed her eyes and tried to convince her body to sleep for the next few hours.
Sad like a lonely child
Broken the day you're born
I held the light to you
But I was so vain
Lorelai sat there as her mother played her answering machine message for a second time. Even in their happiness over their daughter's marriage, they couldn't resist exposing her faults to her daughter, as if Rory didn't already know that Lorelai wasn't perfect. But she knew that she should be used to it. After all, she was "big head" for the first few years of her life.
She thought back to the scene she had with her mother in the realtor's office. She couldn't remember letting herself be that vulnerable with her mother, ever. She chuckled at her foolishness. She had thought that after that, especially now that she was with Chris, that her parents would ease up on her a bit. She fought the urge to scream as she snapped back to attention when Emily played the message "one more time before dinner." This was going to be a long night.
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled I ask you for more But you push me away
Lorelai flipped over on her stomach, burying her face into her pillow. She thought she would have been exhausted after dinner with her parents, but once again, she was wide awake and it was nearing 2am. Closing her eyes, her mind wandered to the last big scene she had caused.
"Let's elope."
"What?"
"C'mon Luke, grab your keys lets go."
"Elope…"
"You said that would be fine in Martha's Vineyard, didn't you say that would be fine in Martha's Vineyard?"
"Yes I did but I'm just-"
"C'mon then lets go we can drive to Maryland, what the hell right? I mean you have to see Maryland eventually we can drive there and get married and then come back here and you get your stuff and you'll move in."
"Ok hold on!"
"I mean we have the plan already right? We just have to put the plan in motion!"
"Let's calm down we don't have to figure all this out now do we?"
"Yes we do because we've been waiting and waiting and putting it off and I don't want to put it off anymore!"
"Yeah but right now?"
"Yes now is the right time, it's the best time because its now!"
"Ok, come on."
"Your car or mine?"
"Lorelai, let's just talk this through."
"No I don't want to talk all we've done for months is talk. I want to do! I want to go!"
"Right, but we can't just take off and get married."
"Why not Luke, don't you love me?"
"You know I do!"
"But I love you Luke! I love you but I have waited and I have stayed away and I let you run this thing and no more! I asked you to marry me and you said yes!"
"Yeah but I'm just trying to think here!"
"We fixed up the house right? We have a bigger closet and I didn't get the purple wallpaper because you didn't want the purple wallpaper and if it's between you and the purple wallpaper I pick you!"
"I didn't tell you not to get the purple wallpaper!"
"Oh my god you didn't like it!"
"I don't care about wallpaper!'
"Do you care about me?"
"Yes!"
"Because I'm going crazy here! I made a commitment to you and I need to make it happen!"
"It will, it will happen ok; I just have April to consider!"
"But once we're married everything will be fine, Anna said so!"
"Anna said so? What does that mean?"
"When I talked to Anna she-"
"When did you talk to Anna?"
"After the party, I-"
"I didn't know you talked to Anna, you weren't supposed to talk to Anna."
"I know I'm sorr- god! No! I'm not going to defend myself! For months now I've been skulking around not saying anything, not having an opinion on anything like I'm Clarence Thomas or something and I'm done with that! I've been waiting for a long time and I don't want to wait anymore!"
"I have to think this through."
"No!'
"I have April-"
"You're going to have to figure out how April fits into our lives, not the other way around!"
"I'm trying."
"Try married!"
"Just wait!"
"No I'm not waiting, it's now or never.
"I don't like ultimatums."
"I don't like Mondays but unfortunately they come around eventually!
"I can't just jump like this!"
"Well I'm sorry to hear that. And I have to go."
Lorelai felt the hot rush of tears and was glad that Chris was asleep. She wanted to scream into her pillow, to let out every emotion that was pumping through her veins right now.
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside Everything means more now than Words could explain
Luke looked up as the bell rang. Pulling out her regular mug, there was no witty banter this morning. She simply sat on the stool and held on to her coffee mug for dear life. Luke noticed the ring that had been on her finger for the last six months was no longer there.
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside us
Looking for something more to say
She started coming into the diner more frequently. Of course for her morning coffee, but she started coming back for lunch and dinner too. Each time, talking to Luke more and more. It seemed like they were starting from the beginning.
I don't know where I'm going
Only know where I been
But you move through my soul like a hurricane wind
We've been so lost for so long
I don't know how to get back again
And we're drowning in the water
That flows under this bridge
When you're fighting the current
You forget how to live
And I wanted to reach you but I don't know where to begin
Lorelai turned over to stare at the empty space beside her. She didn't miss Chris. She started to shake as sobs racked her body. Crying out loud wasn't an issue anymore since Paul Anka was the only other being in the house. She didn't want to think about the possibility that she had lost him forever. She held the extra pillow close to her as she cried herself to sleep, uncertain as to what the next step was.
And you remain
A promise unfulfilled until today
Lorelai looked at the clock. 11:15. Gasping, she sat up quickly. She pulled on her coat and some shoes and ran out the door.
Luke was just starting to doze off when he heard pounding on the diner door. Running downstairs to see what the emergency was, he stopped in his tracks when he saw Lorelai standing there, fist against the glass, tears streaming down her face.
"Lorelai, is everything ok? Are you hurt? Is Rory hurt?" he asked quickly as he unlocked the door. She started to speak but couldn't. He pulled her into the diner, out of the cold and stood there with her, holding her up as she sobbed into his shirt.
"I'm so sorry Luke." She whispered as she lifted her head up to look into his eyes
They held each others gaze for a moment, and Luke leaned in and kissed her gently, pulling her closer to him, pulling her upstairs so they could both sleep.
And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone what will you say
Lorelai turned over and watched her diner man sleep. No doubt she had this man memorized. She smiled as he slowly opened his eyes. Grinning, he put his arm around her and pulled her to him, kissing her softly. She closed her eyes and slept.
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
How do we hold on
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry
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Please please let me know what you think? I hope y'all like it because I do. :o)