"I died 1000 times" AN: So I got this random idea earlier, based around Caan's insane mutterings in the finale episodes: "I died 1000 times"
So here you are, a (hopefully) humorous take on those words. Yes, I know it's utterly stupid therefore I dub it AU. If these events ever happen in the show I would be seriously worried about its future.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Doctor or Caan. I did try to capture that crazy Dalek for a pet, but he escaped me. D:
"I died 1000 times."
And that was literal. It seemed that he had been endowed with the same power as Jack Harkness after one of the Doctor's faithful companions had meddled with the heart of the TARDIS, seen time and completely ruined her friend's life for the rest of time itself.
He was immortal with not-much-thanks to his undesired trip through time, back to the time locked Time War, where inevitably he saw raw time in its powerful grandeur. It floated around him, or he floated around in it, he wasn't very sure, but either way he must have absorbed some of its energy because now he couldn't be destroyed. No matter how many times the Time Lords surprisingly powerful weaponry hit him.
As if being capable of living for thousands of years in the first place was bad enough.
He was sure it was going to be the end for him when the Doctor's counterpart destroyed the crucible. How could he survive being blown into the vacuum of space, even after being blasted into five different parts?
Well that attempted suicide had gone drastically wrong and each torn body fragment grew. Grew into a perfect replica of himself. Immortality was a real nuisance.
It was quite fortunate for him that only one body fragment retained the ability to regenerate continually and the other ones soon died of asphyxiation; he did need to breathe, but considering he couldn't die then breathing wasn't an essential for survival any longer. Nor was radiation. He could hardly cope with his own self at times, never mind the thought of dealing with four others!
Some years passed before a passing freighter ship hit him; his splattered remains took a whole day to reform. That was painful, although oxygen deprivation helped him see the lighter side of it all, and he giggled non-stop for a few hours.
Eventually the ship landed on a planet, which cruelly enough, happened to be Earth. Caan had spent the next few months dragging himself around a modernised London, finding parts for a new travel unit, being stepped on, avoiding any police call boxes or phone booths (even the post boxes looked suspicious – so he avoided them too), and worst of all, being mistaken for dog foul.
He did manage to build something though, after many burns, scratches, knocks, falls, sweating, internal swearing and much dying. Crude at first, but as time went on he developed it into an almost-but-not-quite perfect replica of his former travel unit; it was pink.
Even when he had the chance to steal bronze he didn't bother; he had another chance at life, many more chances, and one thing for sure was that he was not going to live it the same way as his last ones. His new life would start with the colour pink.
And then came the time, that inevitable time, where he'd meet the Doctor again.
They crossed paths as the Time Lord was making his way towards a traditional style Fish n' Chip shop, where they actually made the food instead of using a machine to manipulate stored chemicals into the desired meal. For some reason, the smell had been attracting the Dalek for a while now, and a strange craving had built up. Unfortunately, he had no money. Not only that but the humans seemed to have forgotten about his race again and assumed he was a robot. They weren't going to serve him even if he did have any money.
The Doctor almost choked to death on the chip he was eating when he noticed Caan. Caan wasn't sure if it was the presence of a Dalek that had surprised him, or the fact that he was adorned with bright pink armour instead of the usual bronze colour.
"It was the only colour I could find at the time," he explained, staring at the ground awkwardly, also hoping the Doctor would offer him a chip.
"Bugger off!" the Doctor yelled, a strangely fearful look came over his face. "Stop stalking me, Caan."
Caan stared. "What?"
"First, we meet at the battle of Canary Wharf, which might I add, you and your stinky Dalek friends started. Then came New Bloody York. And then I meet you on Davros' version of the Death Star, where you tell me you jumped into the Time War. And lo and behold I remembered something. YOU! Perving on me and Romana as we spent our last night together on Gallifrey. Get out of my life already, you creepy fixed-point-in-time-thing-creepy-thing-you!"
At this point, bits of chips were flying out of the Doctor's mouth, along with much spittle. It was almost enough to put Caan off the idea of chips. Almost.
"I thought you were stalking me," Caan retorted.
The Doctor leered.
Caan, who was stupidly enough standing in the middle of the road, got knocked over by a massive lorry.
With a slightly amused expression, the Doctor took another chip and ate it whilst he watched Caan drag his mangled form from out under the heavy vehicle. The Dalek had become used to this eventuality over time, and had invented a way for his casing to draw power from his regenerative ability and employ it on its structure and systems.
Once the incident was over the Doctor pulled a face at him. "That's cheating," he commented on the travel unit.
"Fixing this became rather boring after a while."
"You don't even need it anymore."
"Well why don't you strip off all your clothes and drag yourself naked around the street. See what it's like," Caan suggested.
"I did that once," he said, "I'll never do it again."
"Indeed." Caan glared at the Time Lord. He was starting to get impatient. Those chips of his were almost finished now.
The Doctor noticed Caan was staring at his food and rolled his eyes. "No!" he called out suddenly. "Not even one."
This was disappointing. Surely after having done so much to ensure that the Doctor and universe wasn't destroyed he deserved one chip! And then there was that unforgivable moment where the Doctor offered Davros a ride out of the blast in his TARDIS instead of offering him - the one who had helped the Doctor in the background, whilst he betrayed his own people. He had done so much more than any of the Doctor's companions. And yet they got more than just one chip.
If he concentrated hard on the timelines, he could confirm that he would never be given a chip in any reality so he shifted his attention away from the packet the Doctor was carrying and changed the subject. "You do realise that your most 'faithful' companion is dead now?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yup. They all are; it's 1000 years in the future for crying out loud. No human lives for that long. Except Jack, and he won't be dead." He scrunched up the paper bag the chips had been contained in and flung it at the Dalek's head.
"Well aimed," Caan sneered, beginning to think the Doctor was just as bad as the Daleks.
He received a dazzling grin as a response. "Well, I've had 900 years of practise," the Doctor boasted, tucking his hands within his pockets and tuning to leave. "Well, I guess I'll see you again since we apparently stalk each other."
"Quite." Caan snarled. The Doctor's arrogant nature was beginning to re-awaken certain Dalek instincts, and what should have been a gun arm, twitched agitatedly. "I'll perv on you and the Master next."
"Oh and…" the Doctor started, ignoring the last comment, "you shouldn't overlook things. The smallest things can be quite amazing and surprising." He grinned manically before leaving Caan standing in the middle of the street wondering what the Doctor meant by that.
In one universe, Caan rolled away, full of negative emotions – destined to wage terrible havoc on Earth and the rest of the universe. That universe did burn. He also got bitten by a werewolf and became the notorious 'Bad Wolf' the Doctor so despised.
In another, he found that the Doctor had deliberately left a chip in the scrunched up paper bag, and suddenly what the Doctor had said became clear – if you overlook, you miss things. Not only that, but he realised time didn't always tell the truth. You made your own decisions; the universe could shift on the smallest choice made and it didn't always have to be bad. He became a hippy.
Caan ate the chip. He didn't like it.
But the bag they came in tasted nice.