His thinking place.
He pulled his knees close to his chest as the cool early spring air pressed down on him. Faintly, ever so faintly, the sounds of radios and car engines and muffled human moans floated over to him. But he tuned them out. His thoughts tuned them out. He sat on the ledge, staring out into space, a void of contemplation. No one he knew would ever believe this, his almost perfect descent into meditation. Probably because it involved not talking.
Something he wasn't exactly known for.
He dove for the void, dove for the special place where his thoughts began. Looking for the instant when he could forget he was sitting in the dirt, on the edge of the fabled Lover's Lookout. Alone.
Reaching his threshold of solitude, he floated. Completely winked out of all his surroundings.
"Xander?"
Well, until he nearly had a heart attack.
"Jesus on toast!… Oh, hey Buff."
"Did I scare you?" Buffy stood over him, hands on her hips. She smirked, fingers drumming on her hip.
Xander shook off his fright, putting on his Xand-Man face. "Scare? Me? The Un-Scare-able Me? Never…"
"Uh-HUH. Remind me to check you for gray hairs tomorrow." She grinned at him. "Can I sit down?"
"On me?" At her glare, he straightened up and patted the dirt next to him. "Kidding! Really!"
With one last look, she sat next to him. For a moment, they were both silent, staring out over the landscape. Xander glanced at her sidelong, wondering why she was there, how she found him. She was dressed for patrol - sweats, tank top, windbreaker. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. He felt the familiar surge of lovelust that he'd felt since he first met her. Every time he saw her, every time she spoke to him, it was there.
"So… how's the Slayin' scene?"
"Oh, same old, same old. You know, look for creepies, find no creepies, get a Slurpee, still find no creepies, the usual."
"Slurpee?? And you didn't bring me one?" He put on his best pouty face, but to no avail. She continued to stare out over the city. "Well, fine then. I wasn't thirsty anyway, even though a frosty beverage could do me-"
"Angel broke up with me."
All wacky comments fell away from his lips. "Wh-what?"
She turned, looking at him. Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "He's… leaving. And not coming back."
"Oh, god… I'm sorry, Buff."
"Really? I figure you'd be happy… I mean, you haven't ever shown love for him." Her voice was quiet, rueful.
"Oh, gee, thanks for the compliment." Xander stood up, brushing the dirt off of his pants. "I may not like Demonbreath, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad for YOU." He turned to leave, anger beginning to rise.
"Wait…"
"What? You want to tell me how good of a person I am?"
Buffy got up shakily, her sneakers sliding in the loose earth. She walked over to him, laying a hand on his chest. "No… Xander, I'm sorry. I'm just falling apart inside. Why did he do this to me?"
Xander gasped inaudibly as she leaned forward, resting her head on his chest. He slipped his arms around her, feeling her body shake with sobs. The night was silent around them, sky arching above in a clock of darkness. "I don't know. I don't know why he'd do it to you. But… damn, I suck at advice."
She lifted her head, and for a moment he was struck dumb. Her tear-filled eyes were beautiful in the moonlight. "No, you don't. You're my friend…"
As she trailed off, Xander realized that her eyes still hadn't left his. He felt like he was drowning in filmy hazel. Her lips parted slightly, her breath loud. He felt his face leaning down towards her on it's own: he had no part in moving it. So close, smelling her and the dirt they had sat in.
Kissing, and her lips were like a flower. It seemed to go on for ages, and his mind couldn't process it, let alone enjoy it.
Kissing, and the night wrapped around them.
Until-
"No!"
Buffy recoiled back, her eyes looking even *more* hurt. "Xander… I…"
"No. I can't do this. You're rebound, and I… I can't go around kissing my friends anymore. It's not worth it."
"But…"
"NOT worth it. I'm going to go now." He stumbled backwards, still seeing her eyes on his. Finally, the pressure was too harsh, and he pulled his eyes away.
"Xand… I don't know why…"
Turning, he looked at the ground. "No, you don't. But I do. I've got to go."
He turned, for the last time, and scrambled up the incline towards the lot. As he walked into the night, he called over his shoulder. "See you later, Buff… and tomorrow you can tell me how you knew I'd be here, capice?"
Even as he walked away he could feel her watching him.
~fin~