I Can't Make You Love Me
Turn out the light, turn down the bed.
Turn down these voices inside my head.
Lay down with me. Tell me no lies.
Just hold me close, don't patronize.
Don't patronize.
'Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't.
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't. No you won't.
'Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me.
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right.
Just give 'til then to give up this fight.
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me...
Looking up at her house on the hill, Scarlett quickened her pace. Rhett was there, and she felt eager to see him, to confess her love, to wrap her arms around him and beg his forgiveness for the horrible things she'd said to him after Bonnie's death and for the years she'd wasted on Ashley, for failing to see his love and her own. She'd lay her head on his broad chest, and tell him Melanie was gone, and he would comfort her.
Scarlett's rapid steps halted abruptly. There is a book of revelation in everyone's life, and surrounded by the chilly autumn mist, Scarlett read hers. Rhett had loved her for years, but that love was gone. She knew it with a certainty that drained the strength from her legs, and she dropped to the wet ground, feeling light headed and sick. Her obsession with Ashley had eroded Rhett's love for her until there was nothing left. Oh God, why at this moment, when she was so torn over losing Bonnie and now Melanie, why could she see into Rhett's heart with stunning clarity? This love she felt for Rhett opened him to her understanding at last and that understanding was torture. She put her hands over her face and shuddered. He hadn't come to her in those hours after her fall, when her life hung in the balance, and her baby was swept away in a torrent of pain and blood because he was racked with guilt. That guilt had hastened the death of his love for her. He lost hope that she would ever love him. His cool politeness after her accident spoke of his growing indifference. And after Bonnie's death, when she'd had uttered those unforgiveable words, there had been nothing between them but unspoken anger, reproach, bitterness. She'd never humbled herself to apologize to him, nor had she made any real effort to reach him, beyond leaving her bed room door ajar, hoping he'd respond to her unspoken invitation. He hadn't and she had not cared enough to seek him out, and try to undo the damage she'd done to him, before Bonnie's death and after.
The wet ground soaked into Scarlett's dress and she shivered with cold. She felt pain in her heart, as if it were literally as well as figuratively breaking. How could she go on? How many years would she have to face the emptiness of her life without her friend and the one true love of her life? She shook her head at the thought and for the first time in her life she wished she would die.
Scarlett saw that the apathy she now felt for Ashley was what Rhett now felt for her. Just as she was certain no power on earth would bring back the feelings of love she'd felt for Ashley, Scarlett knew there would be no rekindling of Rhett's departed love. She had thrown away her chance for happiness, and now she had only bleak lonely years of regret ahead of her.
Scarlett felt old, and so weary. Her limbs felt heavy, and her thoughts became slow and mercifully dull. She knew from long experience that the dullness of this moment would soon give way to sharp pain, even as burned skin, shocked by flames, have a brief moment of insensibility before the agony begins. Scarlett pushed herself off the slick wet ground, and, heedless that she was wet to the skin and covered in mud, she trudged up the hill toward the house her husband's love had built.
Scarlett opened the door softly and slipped inside the bright stillness of the hall. She saw the light under the dining room door, and realized that Rhett was probably seated at the table, drinking himself to oblivion, as he had so many nights since their daughter had been laid in the dark. She wanted to go to him, but he had always read her too easily. He would take one look at her face, see her love for him and he would pity her. She yearned for his arms, but she knew she could not endure hearing his voice when there was no love for her in it. She mounted the stairs, and once in her room, rather than calling for a servant, she shucked off the wet dress, her soaked undergarments, and using a small pair of sewing scissors, she cut herself free of the expensively embroidered corset. She washed the dirt off her hands and face and let the towel fall to the floor. After dragging a nightgown over her head, she climbed into her bed, shivering so violently the bed shook. Her hair had come loose and lay in an untidy and painful knot under her shoulder, but she made no effort to extricate the pins. Her eyes burned dryly, and her throat ached, but the tears would not come. She wished she had the bottle of brandy hidden in the hatbox under her bed, but she felt unable to move. If she moved, the world would crash and bury her under a mountain of grief and regret.
She gradually warmed and the shivering lessened, but did not cease. She lay in the darkness, unable to close her eyes and in the darkness she saw in an endless loop, Bonnie falling toward the jump rail, Melanie's face white with death, and Rhett walking away, his body getting farther and farther from her own.
Rhett sat in front of the large dining room window. The misty October twilight faded into darkness the wind rose, blowing away the mist and clouds. A fat harvest moon appeared, illuminating the spot where Bonnie had taken her last breath. Rhett rose with a sigh and pulled the bell summoning a servant. "You need somethin' Captain Butler? Rosa asked.
"Have you heard from Mrs. Wilkes?"
The girl lowered her head. "Dilcey say Miz Wilkes gone sir. She die almos two hours back."
Rhett was silent for a long moment. "Thank you Rose. Good night"
Rosa slipped from the room, and Rhett grasped one of the ornate chairs at the long dining room table. So Melanie was gone. He felt the sorrow of Melanie's death add to the grief he carried for Bonnie, and he wanted to drink the full glass of whiskey on the sideboard. Hell, he wanted to drink the whole bottle- to drain every bottle in Atlanta. But this last night in the house where Bonnie had lived her short life would not be passed in a stupor of alcohol. Once he got to Charleston, he'd drink and try to start forgetting, but tonight, he would say goodbye to Bonnie and to the house in which he had been her father.
He went upstairs to his room, and quickly packed a small bag. He'd send for the rest. Idly, as he placed clothing into his bag, he wondered where Scarlett was. I'm sure she will not waste any time, he thought. He doubted she'd object to the divorce papers his lawyer in Charleston was already preparing. She would marry Ashley Wilkes at last, he thought dispassionately. Odd that even that thought no longer held any power to wound him.
When he finished his packing, he walked to the nursery and sat for a long time in the chair where he had read so many stories to Bonnie. He was glad he didn't have to face saying goodbye to Wade and especially Ella. He couldn't face the children who'd been part of his life for all of theirs. He couldn't see them when his Bonnie was gone forever. He was afraid he couldn't hide his resentment that it had been his child who died, and not… no, they were better off without him.
He left the nursery, and stopped in front of the door to Scarlett's room. He quietly opened the door and entered the dark room, fragrant with the scent of rosewater. To his surprise, Scarlett was here. Pale moonlight illuminated her shape on the bed. When she neither moved nor spoke, he moved forward and stood lost in thought in front of the bed where Bonnie had been born. Melanie had been so happy that day, gaily declaring Bonnie's eyes to be as blue as the bonnie blue flag. He came out of his revelry when he felt himself being watched. He'd assumed Scarlett was asleep, but her eyes were open and she was shaking under her heavy bedclothes.
"Are you ill?" he asked, placing a large hand on her forehead.
"No Rhett, I'm just cold." she whispered.
Rhett flinched at the sorrow in her voice. He smoothly stuck a match to the candle on her bedside table. When he saw her love for him in her face, he thought detachedly that she had never looked so beautiful. He hoped she would not speak of her feelings. There was nothing left for her in his heart, but he had no wish to wound her.
"How long have you been home? Why didn't you come in and tell me about Melanie?" he asked tiredly.
"I couldn't face you." Her voice cracked. "I see now how I betrayed Melly. And you. I have lost both of you just when I know what you mean to me." Scarlett sat up and shook her head trying to get control of her thoughts and her tongue. She cleared her throat, and ran shaking hands through her black hair, picking out pins and keeping her eyes lowered. She would not do this. She would not illicit pity from Rhett. She had to save herself this last humiliation. He must not see her as pathetic. "I'm sorry Rhett, I'm babbling. It's been a long day. I'll be fine. I just need some rest and tomorrow I'll face this."
When he did not reply, she looked up and saw a faint gleam of admiration in his eyes. "Scarlett, you've grown up at last." he observed.
Her eyes filled with tears, and she blinked frantically to keep them at bay, but it was no use. "Too late" she said softly. The tears slid silently down her cheeks. She hastily put her hairpins on the table and lay back, turning her face away and pulling the blankets up to her chin.
"I'll get you another blanket Scarlett." He started toward her closet, but she abruptly sat up again and laid a cold hand on his arm.
"Please stay with me. Just for tonight. I don't expect... I know you don't... You don't have to...I'm scared Rhett. Please hold me. Just for tonight."
He looked at her silently, wishing he had not come into her room. He did not want this. But after a long pause, he nodded his head once, and said evenly "I'll return after I have undressed."
When Rhett re-entered her room, Scarlett had opened the curtains. In the moonlight once Rhett was asleep; she would watch his beloved face and memorize the feel of his body next to hers. She lay on her side of the bed, shivering harder from her foray out of bed. She faced the window, until Rhett was settled for sleep. She knew that after this night Rhett would never again lay beside her.
Rhett placed his robe at the end of the bed, blew out the candle and slipped into the bed. The memories associated with nights in this bed did not evoke any feeling, not resentment at the years when he was unwelcome here, nor pleasure at the thought of the dark passion of the night of Ashley's birthday party. He hoped Scarlett would not attempt to seduce him. He was not indifferent to her loveliness, but he did not want to use to satisfy his lust. It would not be kind to take her tonight and leave her tomorrow, and he did want to be kind to her.
Scarlett turned and went into his arms without a word. Surrounded by his warmth, her shivering eased. His arms held her, but there was no passion or love in his touch, as she knew there would not be. Her tears slipped quietly onto his chest, and he whispered kindly "Go to sleep Scarlett."
Scarlett raised her head from his chest and her eyes held his gaze. "I'm sorry Rhett. I am so sorry for everything. But most of all for what I said after Bonnie died. I wish I had died rather than utter those words to you. I know it was unforgiveable and evil and a lie. Bonnie's death was an accident. You were a wonderful father to our little girl and you gave her such a happy, joy-filled life. You raised a happy child, full of laughter." Scarlett's voice trembled and she could hardly speak past the lump in her throat. "I know saying I'm sorry can't change anything. I can't undo the hurt. I can't cha "She broke off abruptly and laid her head back on his chest. "Goodnight Rhett. Thank you for staying with me tonight."
Rhett had stiffed at the mention of Bonnie's name, but as Scarlett finished speaking, he relaxed. "I never thought I'd live to see the day when Scarlett O'Hara would be soothing." He smiled in the dark. "Goodnight my pet."
They lay awake in each other's arms for a long time. Finally Rhett spoke quietly: "I'm leaving tomorrow Scarlett. I won't be coming back."
"I know." Scarlett whispered. Her tears resumed and progressed to silent shaking sobs, and Rhett tightened his arms around her and whispered "Shhh. it's alright, don't cry. Tomorrow is another day." Tears were coursing down his own temples, soaking the pillow that smelled of roses and unrequited love.
AN: Edited to add: I should have pointed out that I borrowed MM's description of Scarlett's feelings after Melanie's death and Rhett's desertion, with a small change: I used a burn to describe the trauma, while MM used surgical incision. This is at the end of the book, after the final conversation with Rhett. And Rhett's comment about Scarlett being soothing at the end of my story is a twist of what he said in GWTW. And the "faint gleam of admiration" is also MM's. As is "tomorrow is another day".
Also, the "book of revelation" was borrowed from Anne of Green Gables. LMM used that phrase when describing Anne's realization that she loves Gilbert.
I hope that is all I have swiped from other authors. If I think of others I will add a note. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (Charles Caleb Colton).
And the song that inspired this story can be heard on YouTube. The video is a bit cheesy in spots, but Bonnie Raitt's voice is perfection. watch?v=nW9Cu6GYqxo
Thank you.