Don't stand next to me.
I'll love the smell of ecstasy,
It makes me feel inspired.
Cuz you think love is like a
Sunrise up against you…
Somehow you're always right.
The lights swirled around me, casting a rather dizzying glow over the dance room. The music ricocheting off the dancing bodies sending it blasting everywhere and anywhere, leaving no place of silence, not place to think.
Though, that was how some preferred it… including me. It was so easy to get lost here, to give up anything relevant just to throw back a drink and dance with a stranger. And nowadays, distractions were always welcomed.
"You alone?"
I hated that question because they never realized what they were implying. What they really meant to say was "Are you here with anyone?" but "You alone?" always applied to me on a broader spectrum.
Yeah, I was alone, hence the drinking and the perpetual sadness looming over my head the way an ominous cloud hangs over the horizon.
I snorted but ignored him. I wasn't there for him or anyone else. I was here to cry my woes to Jack Daniels, knocking back anything that came into view, only to stumble home and wake up unaware of anything I did tonight.
"Guess I'm not needed here either, ne?"
He chuckled deeply and I shot him a glare out of the corner of my eye. He wasn't that bad on the eyes but I was unforgiving. He had committed the ultimate crime. He had brought up my reason for being here, my reason for sitting here alone on a Friday night.
A night supposedly dedicated to sneaking out, partying with friends only to get into trouble when your parents discovered you inebriated past the point of excuse, hiding in their closet naked, puking over their good shoes. A night dedicated to those who want to act stupid, but most importantly, a night dedicated to the friends who want to be stupid together.
The man sat down, ignoring my look of contempt and said "Look kid, I'm not here to get into your pants, m'kay? I'm just looking for a bit of company."
I just stared.
Finally, his eyes flashed in desperation and he pointed towards the dance floor "Look. See that guy in the middle of it all? With the long brown hair. That's my ex. He just dumped me, tonight, and then he just grabs two guys and begins to make-out with them as if nothing happened. As if I never existed."
The man slumped miserably and normally, I would've chosen this moment to bond. But all I could hear was "You alone?"
I felt my empathy shrivel up next to my humanity so I snapped. "I'm not here to sort out your problems, kid. I'm just here to get drunk, by myself, all alone." "What for? To watch the happiness of others so you have reason to justify your own self-pity?"
It was a low blow but seeing as I was the one being the arse, I allowed him the jab. He raked his hands through his hair "Look I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude to you… ummm-" "Naruto." I answered blankly.
"Right… Naruto… I've just never been in this situation before. So I don't really know the etiquette for this. He's the first guy I ever dated… I'm not gay… I don't think… ugh I don't even fucking know. He just was so nice and so fucking easy to talk to… and…"
"…And he broke your heart. Typical story of every guy here's first love. You're not gonna get any sympathy here. This happens to all of us, what makes you special? It happens over and over again, each time dragging us through what we don't want to face, consistently lowering any self-respect we have. Then we go and forget our troubles for a while with a bottle of tequila and a cute stranger and end up encouraging the rumours that all gay guys fuck like crazy, furthering lowering our self-dignity. It's a vicious cycle, get used to it or go back to your girls."
I snapped at him, the liquid courage I've been knocking back all night fuelling my outburst more than anything. I didn't blame the guy, I was just as naïve when I started; too ecstatic that I was finally able to go to gay bars and be surrounded with people like me, uninhibited, to think about the impact my actions would have or where they might lead.
The man just blinked dumbly, taken aback by the harsh words from the seemingly quiet stranger "You're right…" He laughed bitterly "So I guess you're used to it then too, ne? Is that why you nurse that cup like it's all you got left in the world? Is this what I'm destined to come to."
I snorted, "Destiny is just another excuse to sit back and do nothing, 'oh destiny will guide me through life!' Bullshit, life's what you make it not what some crappy fortune teller who get's paid 10 bucks a pop tells you."
The guy blinked "You're right again… damn." He stood up and paid for his drink, but before he turned to leave, he leaned in and tucked a card into my jacket "Since you're so intent on helping others with that brutally honest way of yours, why don't you let someone else help you for once? My name's Kiba, give me a call when that hangover passes."
He leant down and whispered something in my ear that even today; as I hesitantly make my way to call him… it's still ringing in my ears.
"You don't always have to be alone, Naruto."
Push me to the floor,
Make me think that you're the one that I adore.
Till the morning we will be as if
We're meant to be.
Push me to the floor…
I'll be thinking of the time
I felt inspired