On the 1st day of Christmas my readers gave to me

a flame for my Bloodsport story.

Thank you, one reader. You are as appreciated as you are nice and reasonable. People like you, who come with the comments they do, are much loved on ffnet. By the way, considering how brilliantly you write, you have all the right in the world to attack other people's stories.

Hey people,

I've been away from my fanfictions for a long time, and you guys deserve to know why. Therefore I'm writing a diary entry, seemingly

Ray's, about what has really been going on in my life. I'm being 100 % honest with you guys, not because I'm trying to get pity or understanding. This is not my excuse for not writing. I don't have one. I've been self pitying for a long time, but it stops now. Stops with sharing my life for the last year with you guys.

Dear Diary

I was up early this morning, 5 o'clock, watching TV, when I flicked the channel and found "Impossible" by Shontelle playing. I've heard the song a few times before, but never really payed attention. This time I did, however, and I suddenly found myself thinking about my own life recently and comparing it to the song.

For almost three years I was with Kai. I loved him. At least I thought i did. I don't know anymore. He hurt me so badly. I was young when i got together with him. He was my first boyfriend ever. I thought he loved me, too, like I loved him. I think now that I was the only person he could have. The only person who was so deluded I couldn't see the person everybody else knew he was.

When we started the relationship, he made it very clear he wanted to do what he thought "everybody else was doing". He was so desperate to be "one of the crowd", fitting in. Maybe even being one step ahead of everybody else. That wasn't me. I wanted to do what I wanted to, what I was ok with, and I let him know as much. He later let me know he almost left me over it.

The first year, as with most people's first year, was great. Not perfect, but great. We were together constantly, and I neglected my friends a lot for him. There were some small fights, of course. Who wouldn't fight when two people are trying to get accustomed to each other, trying to get used to being with someone who doesn't share the exact same thoughts and opinions about everything?

In the year to come, though, the fighting escalated, and started getting more dramatic. More scary. I'd always told myself that I would leave the second I saw a display of violence in a fight, no matter how much I loved a person, and I'd always looked down on, and actually got with a person who I heard stayed with violent partners. For the first time ever, I was in their shoes. I didn't leave. i justified it with that he wasn't hitting me, throwing me around. I can tell you, though, that several items in both his and my possession got broken in his anger.

In my first year with Kai, I'd thought that one should be able to share everything with the person one was with. I did. I shared my deepest, darkest fears with him. I shared pieces of my soul. He told me I was stupid, childish, selfish... The words went on. he made me feel pathetic for being who I was. For having the pains and troubles I had. In the end I closed up to him. I didn't tell him anything.

Soon, there were almost no happy times. Soon, all we had was anger and misery.

We'd been together for two years when I was out with friends, and I met Enrique. I'd seen him before when I was out with friends. He was in the same friend circle as myself, but it consisted of about twenty people, and he and I had never spoken. I'd watched him often. he was a social butterfly, and seemed to draw people to him, and this time it was my turn. He drew me to him, and we started talking. Withing seconds, we had clicked.

We seemed to have so much in common, and for the first time in a long time I found someone with the same humour as myself. We spoke all night, until 6 in the morning. It was magical. I had a friend unlike any other. A friend who seemed more like a soulmate. It because a joke between us. We both watched Supernatural, and said that when we died we'd share a heaven, like the two brothers Sam and Dean. He loved me like a sister, and I him as a brother. It was amazing. I felt that we truly were one. I would be almost sick with longing in his absence, and for the first time ever felt like I completed myself with him. Like I filled my skin.

Still, when I told my boyfriend about him, he got livid. Especially when he found out that I was being open with Enrique. About me. About everything. I was sharing deepest darkest fears with him. Everything. Even more than I'd ever shared with Kai. Enrique accepted it, accepted me, in a way no one ever had before.

I tried to make Kai see that the reason I hadn't ever been so open with him, was because I'd tried, and he'd shut me out. Shut me down.

We broke up. Not that day, but at a later date. Possibly a week later. I don't know. I was just so sick of everything, and as I was leaving his place, he made one of his usual comments. Kai was so set on that he was so grown up even though he was only a year older than me. He often spoke to me as if i was a child, and today he'd done it again. Enrique had shown me how happy I could be, how happy someone else could make me. How much I was worth. Having Kai once more show me how little my self worth meant to him. How little I mattered in his quest to make him feel better about himself. I told him I was sick of how he spoke to me. I broke up. It was almost friendly. We walked away from each other as crying friends.

I wish I'd left it like that. I didn't.

He called me up the next day. Asked to meet. We got back together. You know the best part? For us to get back together I had to meet his terms and agreements. Had to give up pieces of myself. The reasons I had broken up with him for, his faults, were things I had to change myself to accept. Brilliant, aren't I? I broke up with him, and he took me back, rather than me taking him back. I had to change, work with myself, when he was the one in the wrong.

Enrique was so disappointed. When Kai and I had broken up, I'd called him at once, and we'd agreed to go on holiday, just the two of us. He'd thought I was finally going to do myself justice, and here I was, going back to Kai. Not that he could say anything. His girlfriend was a manipulative cow if ever there was one. That, however, is his story to tell, if he so wishes to one day.

It was in June, though, a month later, that things turned interesting. I was away on holiday, when I checked my mail to find a message from my surrogate brother. It said six earth shattering words. "And now I am finally single." My world turned upside down. I felt a strange feeling in my stomach, and a pain in my chest.

I can't remember much of what happened then. It's a blurr and what I do remember is all over the place in my mind. Maybe I'll remember it later and add a diary entry about it.

What I do remember, however, was him telling me that he was supposed to go on holiday with his girlfriend three weeks from then, and now he didn't know what to do with the tickets and hotel order. He told me he wanted to take a girl, but that he wanted a friend so that as far as his ex could see, he was over her, but so that the girl he was with would know that they were friends, and nothing more. He said he wished he could take me, because we knew where we stood with each other, but that he knew I'd get problems with my boyfriend. I told him to screw that, and that I'd happily go.

Anyway, when I returned home, I'd had an agreement with Kai that we would have an entire week to ourselves, with no interruptions from the outside world. However, Enrique's break-up with his girlfriend was still only about 4 days old, and he wasn't taking it well. I told my boyfriend I needed to be there for him, and he finally agreed to that Enrique could come to his place and spend a few days with us. I knew he was jealous, and found thi an ok way for him to know that we were only friends. Very close friends, but friends and nothing more.

From day one, however, he was just angry and sour, complaining that he and I had no time together just the two of us. I explained to him that i was being there for my friend. That I would do this exact same thing for any of my friends, be they boy or girl. I was faithful, I told him. He should trust me. I'd never given him anything to doubt my trust, so he was being damned unfair. i told him that, had it been him, I'd be proud of my boyfriend being there for his friend when they need him. I'd never doubt him.

In the end he was being downright ridiculous. I told him as much. the screaming fight that ensued was the end of it. The final end.

This was punctuated quite nicely by my ex going out with a whole pile of our mutual friends and slagging me, telling them I'd been cheating on him and a lot of rubbish. He cost me most all of my friends. Oh well.

Enrique and I went to his place and holed up there for several days. We took comfort in each other's presence. Just stayed in bed day and night, sleeping watching films, or talking. He told me his girlfriend had gone off and cheated on him, and then broken up with him. I cursed her out, and he cursed out my ex, and we ended up joking about them and how pathetic we'd been. Said we wanted to stay single and just have each other. We, brother and sister, were happy.

Pesky feelings will always get in the way, won't they?

After a week together, just the two of us, we went on the holiday meant for him and his ex. As a lovely slap to the face, I went there free of charge, as Enrique not so kindly informed his ex when she returned his stuff that he would be taking the trip, and that there was no way in fucking hell that she was getting a refund from the girl he was taking with him.

Everything had gone fairly smoothly and we arrived at the hotel. I can tell you right now, that is a hotel you do not want to visit. They sucked balls. That, again, is another story, though. I'll write it as it's own chapter sometime. Hell, I'll tell you where we were and what hotel you want to avoid, even though I try to keep my personal life and internet life as separate as possible.

Enrique and I spent almost 12 days in paradise, hotel aside, and he was so kind and caring, and loving. We had the most amazing time, enjoying the lovely sun, great weather and just slacking around, doing what we pleased, forgetting about everything back home. It was inevitable, of course, that we soon turned our focus away fro other things and to each other.

After only having been single for three and two weeks, and having a better time than we'd ever before, treating each other how our previously significant others should have, we soon came to see, like in some cheap romance novel, that we were perfect together. Not as brother and sister, but together.

It just happened one day. We were outside, walking around, having fun, and suddenly we were walking around holding hands. Where we'd previously sat next to each other in pictures, we were holding around each other, and that night, we kissed each other before going to bed.

I wish that could be the end of my story. The happily ever after. Everybody wants that. Nobody wants pain and misery. Not in a story, and certainly not in real life. Just look at ten fanfiction stories with a happy ending, and ten with a sad. Which story has the most hits? As a fanfiction writer, I can tell you that happy stories are much the preferred ones, and why wouldn't they be? I myself avoid any and all stories that so much as have a character death, let alone a sad ending. i might have written some, but I don't expect them to be read.

After returning from our one trip Enrique and I still had one more trip, the one that we'd originally planned the first time I came to my senses and left my ex. We spent a few days at home, and then left on our second trip. Gods, we were as happy as newlyweds on our honeymoon. Everything was perfect. One couldn't get a happier and more loving relationship if one wrote it. I know. I've tried.

Our holiday lasted a week, before we came home. I almost wish our plane had gone down or something, because it was the last time I was so truly and completely happy. So naïve and trusting.

I will never forgive Enrique for what he did. I can't. It, what he did, his betrayal, has cut too deeply into me. It's an acid wound that will never fully heal. The scar is there, big and nasty. I will love him, I will try to move on with him, and maybe I'll even learn to trust him again. Maybe. I hope. I no longer believe in soulmates. In T'hy'las, if you're a Spock/Kirk fan. I can't. Not after what he did. I will never see him the way I one did. As a flawless god. I will never feel the same way about myself. Never have the same confidence. Never smile the same smile. Feel the same warmth and glow of love. It's something we, I, won't ever get back. I'll try to fight for him and me, for what we have. Try to pick our relationship from the burning rubble and maybe make something new from the scraps and odd ends that are left behind. Whatever we have, though, will still, be blackened from the ashes of the fire he caused, never to fade or be washed away by time.

He and I will be us, maybe forever, maybe not, but we'll never be US. That knowledge hurts. He's finally trying to be a better person. To do right by me. We'll see if he manages.

Cross your fingers. For him, and for me, because if this doesn't work, I don't know if I'll survive the result.