Emotion Sickness
by Diena Taylor
Notes: Once again, themes of suicide. But, well, by this point you all should know what my stories are going to be about.
This part is dedicated to Mara, for reminding me-g-
**Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Never will. Unless I win the lottery... then I'd buy 'em... but first I have to buy my acting teacher a new theater 'cause the one we have at our school is terrible...**
Ensign Lucas Wolenczak sat cross-legged on his bed and stared at the screen of his laptop computer. Numbers and words scrolled by, but Lucas simply continued staring. He did not see the information in front of him, he was concentrating on the images in his mind's eye.
*****He was standing on a ledge on the roof of a twenty-story hotel, looking down at the street below. His heart was pounding fiercely, his breath was coming out in sharp exhalations. Now was the time. It would be very soon - it all would end. Everything would be fixed.*******
Lucas was snapped back to reality by Tony clambering down the stairs. "Ahoy-hoy, Luke," he said, sitting down on his bunk and pulling off his boots, throwing them against the desk, making as much noise as possible. Lucas didn't reply, didn't even look at Tony. "We alive up there?" Tony asked, craning his neck to look at his roommate.
"Barely," Lucas replied, monotone. And not for long, he added mentally. Jumping hadn't worked - no, it hadn't worked at all. But then he found there were easier ways, and he wouldn't have to wait until next shore leave either. He could simply find a time when he didn't have to go on duty for a while, then he could do it. End the pain. He hadn't been associating with many people lately, and he didn't have any off-duty obligations, so he wouldn't be missed until it was already too late.
"Double shifts?" Tony asked, guessing the obvious. Hudson liked to give Lucas double shifts, and nobody was quite sure of the reason. Perhaps Hudson was testing Lucas - seeing if the young man could handle the pressure of being an officer on the flagship of the UEO. As far as Tony was concerned, Lucas was holding up pretty well - despite the recent change in attitude, which pissed Tony off to no end.
As far as Lucas was concerned, this was the worst thing he'd ever been asked to cope with. It wasn't so bad, moving from his parents' house to the seaQuest, it really hadn't been all that bad. He had liked the seaQuest, and he had come to think of it as his home. But now- his home had changed so greatly. He hadn't asked for his home to change, he hadn't asked to be brought back from Hyperion. He hadn't asked for any of this, and he really didn't know if he wanted it.
"No, just dead tired," Lucas said dully. He just wanted Tony to leave him alone so he could come up with a new plan - one that would work better than his first. One that he couldn't - wouldn't - back out of. In some way, he wanted Tony to stay so he wouldn't have to come up with a new plan, but- he needed to. He needed to end this, needed to end the pain.
"Then go to sleep," Tony replied. Sleep, yes, sleep would work- sleep forever, there would be no more pain, no more sadness, no more- anything. Blissful silence, eternal rest. That would be- wonderful.
"I think I'll do that," Lucas said, deciding that this would be the last conversation he'd ever have with Tony. He knew what he was going to do now - and nothing could stop him. Nothing. He settled into his bunk to pretend to go to sleep, until Tony left.
"Goin' to watch a vid, wanna come?" Tony asked about twenty minutes later, pulling on his boots once again.
Lucas grunted, and rolled over in his bunk. He felt he should say something meaningful, considering he'd never see his friend again. Anything too meaningful would make Tony start to wonder, and then that would mess up his plans. "Goodbye Tony," he said, finally. "Have fun." There, it was said. That was done, and now all he had to do was go through with it. Tony left the room, slamming the hatch behind him.
Lucas considered going out before heading to med-bay and tying up all the loose ends, but that would rouse suspicion. He supposed the only person he really had the guts to talk to was Darwin - who wouldn't tell his secret if Lucas told him not to.
There, that was exactly what he'd do. And then- then it would be over, and everything would be all right. He'd finally be free.
fingertips.
E-Mail addy: jupiter2@ma.ultranet.com