This story has nothing to do with the spoilers for 8.21, it's an idea I've had in my head for a while that's been begging to be written. Five hours on a plane, plus three hours stuck in an airport I should not have been in gave me plenty of time to write it. Thank you to Jessica327 for help with keeping Jake in character. Enjoy!
What Might Have Been
You stand in the Ballistics Lab doorway, just silently staring at her. She doesn't know you're there, and that's okay with you because it gives you time to just take her in. Years of undercover work have taught you how to breathe and move around without making a sound, how to observe without being noticed.
She's beautiful. Always has been and you know she always will be, but there's something different about her that you just quite can't put your finger on. Her long blonde hair that you just itch to run your fingers through falls in soft waves over her shoulders and down her back as it always had, but there's something different about that too that you just can't quite figure out.
She's sitting at a table, bent over a microscope, so you can't see her eyes, but you know if you could they'd be that bright shade of green that always made you smile. Her eyes were always that color when she worked; that fierce determination she had with her work always made them shine brightly, especially when she was interrogating a suspect she knew was guilty. You're desperate to see her eyes now though, because you want to see the color of her eyes deepen when she sees you, the way it always had when you were with her... well, except for that last time you'd seen her. That deep jade color hadn't been in her eyes then.
You watch with bated breath as she shifts from the microscope to a folder next to it, leaning over to write notes onto an official form. Your lips purse involuntarily as you watch her gloved hand move her hair off her neck as she leans over the form, her other hand writing her findings in that perfect script you'd recognize in an instant, and without even realizing it you lick your own lips as she sucks her own lower lip between her teeth as she concentrates on the data she's recording. You close your eyes to shut out the inappropriate thoughts you're having, because this was not the place for that.
Her sigh makes your eyes blink open and your gaze falls on her as she drops her pen and moves back to the microscope, her hands moving to her back to knead her muscles, something that makes your fingers twitch. The desire to let your hands replace hers makes you finally move from your position to announce your presence.
"Hey," you state simply, softly, in your usual manner.
She looks up with a start, obviously surprised to see you standing there. You stand on the other side of the table, smart enough not to invade her space after so long, although you want nothing more than to move around to the other side of the table and take her into your arms, maybe kiss her. But you don't, you know better. You aren't her boyfriend anymore, she made that clear more than three years ago. But, if you have anything to say about it, that will change.
"Jake," she says, and the way she says your name has you grinning. It shouldn't, because it wasn't like she said it with any measure of desire or happiness; it was only utter surprise in her tone, but hearing her say your name after such a long time makes you feel good. Makes you want her to say it again, only differently. "This... this is a... a surprise," she stutters out uncharacteristically... but you ignore that.
"I'd tell you I'm sorry, but that would be a lie," you tell her with that charming smile you always used on her. You lay your palms on the table, leaning into it, and closer to her, as you wait for her response, and it isn't quite what you expected, but you ignore that too because you're in love with her. Always have been, you'd discovered over the past few years.
Calleigh smiles, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes, and that's the first thing you notice. The second thing you notice is that she'd moved to sit slumped over, her elbows on top of the table, and you think to yourself that that's odd considering it seemed her back had been hurting moments ago. Not to mention it's also unlike her to sit like that. Calleigh was serious about her work; she never slumped slumped at her desk...or what would pass for a desk.
The next words you say tumble off your lips without processing through the filter in your brain that is supposed to stop them, but then, that filter never really did work well when it came to her. "You're as gorgeous as I remember," you murmur, "Even more so now." You're almost taken aback when you see her eyes widen and her posture stiffen slightly for a moment before she deftly schools her features into a tight smile as she looks down at the form she'd been writing on, as if she was confirming what she had just written. Definitely not the reaction you were hoping for. Nor were the words that came out of her mouth next.
"What brings you here, Jake?" Her words were kind, her tone soft as always; that's just the way she was. The southern woman in her would not allow her to be anything but. But you sense an underlying tension in her question.
You telling her how beautiful she was, was usually followed by a blushing smile and a quiet "thank you", not the smile you did get nor the question as to why you were there. But because it's Calleigh and because you'd been gone a long time, and she did break up with you before you left, you brush it off again. You can understand that her behavior isn't normal because of all that. But you intend to change that... and soon.
"We just wrapped up a big drug and illegal weapons bust down in the Keys," you tell her as you wait for her to meet your eyes. When she doesn't, you say her name, and that does it. "Calleigh..."
She interrupts you as her head snaps up, as her gaze meets yours, "When do you go out for your next undercover assignment?"
Her question excites you a little; you think she's asking because she's feeling you out, wanting to know if you're going to leave... again. You smile that crooked smile, because leaving is so not in your plans. "I'm not." And that's all you give her, that's all you need to say to get your point across with her.
Your heart starts to beat a little faster when she looks down at the bullet striations in the microscope and you can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing... you hope it's a good thing but her next words don't make you feel very good, because you detect a little strain in her tone.
"No?" you hear her say, and the way she forms that one word into a question has a curl of anxiety forming in the pit of your stomach, but you uncurl that anxiety because the idea of there not being a "you and Calleigh" in the future is just not in your plans. "Why is that?"
"Calleigh," you begin, reaching for her hand, but your hand only lands on the table with a soft thud because right as you reached for her, she moved her hands to the knobs on the microscope... only she's not turning them, and she's not looking at the striations.
You drum your fingers lightly against the table as you cock your head, eyes narrowing slightly. "I've decided that's not what I want, Calleigh," you tell her, eyes flicking over her features. You try one more time to get the reaction you want. "I was hoping I could take you to dinner tonight... so we could talk."
"Jake, I um..." she says as she slowly stands and backs away from the table. "I... no. I'm sorry," she tells you before turning slightly to pick up another bullet off the tray on the counter behind her.
And suddenly you realize you shouldn't have ignored the warning signs you'd been getting, because the woman you are in love with is quite obviously pregnant. The lab coat she is wearing is buttoned to a point, unbuttoned where the sides don't quite meet over the slight protrusion of her belly. You realize now why she sat slumped over the table when you entered the room, why she wasn't excited to see you, what it was you couldn't quite put your finger on... she glowed; this pregnancy had made her even more beautiful.
You can't help the jealousy that fills you, and the next thing that crosses your mind is...who.
No sooner had the thought popped into your head when the lab door swings open, followed promptly by a voice you hadn't heard in a long time, a voice you never did care for. "Babe, Ryan and I are being called out to a scene..."
You stand frozen in place as the voice stops, as the beautiful pregnant woman before you looks past you and smiles. Without turning around, you know who it is she is smiling at, who'd called her "babe" and it hits you like a punch to the gut... her baby's father is right behind you and it's none other than Eric Delko.
The air in the room is suddenly thick with an uncomfortable tension and you suddenly wish you were anywhere but there. You stiffen slightly when Eric moves up closer behind you, but he moves over to the other side of the table, to Calleigh's side. He acknowledges your presence with a simple, "Jake," before he turns to her.
"The scene is in the glades... got a floater. Hopefully we won't be too long, but promise me if we are that you'll lay down in the break room until I get back, okay?"
You're grateful he doesn't touch her in some way; you're not ready to see that. But you're also not ready to see the smile that lights her face, the sparkle in her green eyes as she responds with a quiet, "I promise." Clearly his concern touches her... and you remember that she never liked that from you.
You watch as he cocks an eyebrow and grins at her, as she opens her mouth in mock indignation before her look softens and she smiles back, "I swear, Eric... if it gets to be too late and I'm tired, I'll go lay down."
"Okay," the lucky man before you murmurs as he takes her hand in his for a few moments before he turns and leaves the room.
The look on your face must have been a pained one because when her gaze moves from the doorway Delko just left through to you, there is sympathy in her eyes, an emotion you never wanted to see in her.
"Jake, I..."
You interrupt her, not needing any excuses, justifications, or apologies... none were needed. "I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He was always between us."
She gives you a look of confusion and you sigh heavily. "Calleigh... even when you were with me, you weren't with me... you were with him. I always suspected there was something between the two of you."
Now more than ever you regret your decision to go back undercover all those years ago. Sure, she'd broken up with you, but maybe if you'd stayed you could have won her back, maybe that could have been your baby she was carrying. That thought has you pushing away from the table, backing up toward the door. "I wish that... " You pause, shaking your head. "Never mind." You decide she doesn't need to know what you wish. Instead you smile, not the crooked smile that used to turn her knees to jello, but one of resignation. You hold her gaze for a few moments, then tell her softly, "You look beautiful... happy." And with that, with the soft smile she gives you burned forever into your brain, you turn and leave... never to see her again. Or so you think.
...
Wrapping up the paperwork on the bust in the Keys has kept you at MDPD longer than you'd thought. It's now a little past seven and your stomach is growling, and you make your way to the locker room bathrooms with a long sigh. You're not sure where you'll grab dinner tonight, since the plans you'd had were dashed earlier in the day. Hell, you aren't even sure where you'll be staying that night. You'd rented out your condo when you went undercover and had hoped you'd be staying at Calleigh's that night... but that too wasn't going to happen. Someone else would be staying at Calleigh's.
You take care of business, moving slower than usual... after all, you don't have anywhere to go, anywhere to be. Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, above one of the many sinks, you stare at your reflection in the crappy lighting, noting your skin's pallor. You look like hell, and while it could be due to long nights and even longer days over the last few years, you know it also has to do with your current mood, the current state of your life.
You give yourself a shrug in the mirror and turn for the door, may as well grab some hamburger through some fast food drive thru and then find a not married and not attached buddy who wouldn't mind you crashing at his place for the night. As you push the men's room door open, you hear the locker room door open and the voice of none other than Eric Delko say "You okay, babe?" as he obviously comes through the door, and you know Calleigh must have entered the room while you were in the men's room.. As the sound of Delko's footsteps, no doubt carrying him to Calleigh, echo through the room, you slowly poke your head around the corner... and not seeing either Eric or Calleigh on this side of the lockers, you let the door quietly close and just as quietly make your way to the opposite end of the locker room, intent on staying in the dark corner until they leave.
You close your eyes as Calleigh's voice reaches your ears, and you hope they're just gathering their things so they, and you, can make a hasty retreat.
"Yeah, I'm just tired, it's been a rough day," you hear her voice say softly, and your heart clenches with the thought that you might have been the cause of that rough day.
When you hear Delko's equally soft voice say, "Come here," you feel this irresistible urge to watch them, to see if she's really happy you tell yourself as you move to the end of the row of lockers their voices are coming from and slowly move so that you still stand in the shadows, but can see them at the other end.
You watch as Delko reaches down and grasps Calleigh's hands and pulls her up and into his embrace, one arm around her shoulders, the other around her expanded waist. You release the breath you weren't aware you were holding when she lays her head on his shoulder and gives a contented sigh.
"I needed this," you hear her soft accented voice say.
The arm around her shoulders joins Delko's other arm across her back as he runs his palms up and down, stopping to knead the muscles in her lower back. "Tell me, baby." is all he says to her, and she opens up. You note with a bit of sadness that she'd never opened up to you that quickly... it had always taken some cajoling to get her to tell you what was bothering her. Then again, you realize that you hadn't always had the time to care; you had your own tough work that often occupied your time, and your mind.
Delko's fingers continue to knead the muscles in her back as she tells him, "I was trying to match bullets used in yesterday's shooting outside Baskin Elementary School to a shooting of a young woman five years ago in Coral Gables. Horatio feels the same man that killed that young woman back then is the same man that tried to kill Victoria Sanchez's mother yesterday. "
You'd heard about that case. A man drove past the school and shot at a woman that had been walking her daughter to school. The woman hadn't been killed but she had sustained gun shot wounds to her arm and leg, no doubt traumatizing the young girl. You knew Calleigh and knew she'd go at it with a dogged determination to find who the shooter was.
For the next several minutes you listen as she fills him in on the day, on the futility she'd experienced in her quest to find the shooter, and you feel a bit dejected that not once does she mention you, not once did you factor into her day, and you lower your gaze to the floor at the knowledge that you don't factor into her life at all anymore.
"Hey... was that a kick?" you hear Delko ask Calleigh with utter surprise and your gaze snaps upward again. Your lips part as you hear Calleigh's affirmative answer, as you watch Delko raise his hand to her rounded belly and caress over it with awe in his expression. His palm slides across her belly as he follows the baby's movement, and from your vantage point you can see his face, and it is clear from the look in his eyes that this is the first time he's felt their baby move.
Your heart drops further in your chest when you see Calleigh lean forward to kiss Delko, and to your dismay the kiss goes on and on, deepening when he cups her cheek and slides his hand back into her hair, changing the angle of his head as he deepens the kiss and unknowingly shielding their kiss from you. You drop your gaze to the floor once more, suddenly feeling like a peeping tom as their amorous actions continue, and you stay that way until you hear Calleigh say something that she never said to you.
"I love you," you hear her soft voice murmur, and if that didn't tell you that it was completely over between you and Calleigh, that you had absolutely no chance with her, what Delko did next really drove that home.
Your gaze follows Eric's fingers as he lifts the gold chain around Calleigh's neck, running his finger along the chain until he uncovers it completely from underneath her shirt. And there on the end of the chain are two diamond rings.... her engagement ring and wedding band you are sure. And you realize then that they are married. You should have known. Calleigh never seemed to you like the type to marry, but then maybe that was because she never saw you as the marrying type. You turn away as Delko slides the rings onto her fingers, and quietly make your way to the bench on the other row of lockers.
You lower yourself down onto the bench and put your head into your hands as you hear Calleigh tell Delko that she doesn't want to go out for dinner like they'd planned, that she just wants to go home and be with him. You give a quiet sigh as you hear Delko respond, "Why don't we stop by Julio's Cantina for some dinner to go and have a bed picnic. We can relax and watch a movie while we eat. How's that sound?"
You hear Calleigh's sigh followed by her agreement on the night's revised plans right before you hear the unmistakable sound of a kiss. Soon a locker door closes and their footsteps can be heard as they make their way to the door and leave the locker room.
It doesn't escape you what you missed, what you could have had, what might have been had you not made that fateful decision three years ago to go back to undercover work. You could have stuck around, you could have tried to get her back. You knew she wasn't happy with your activities when you went undercover, the activities you continued to indulge in even though you'd left that line of work. Having known her for as long as you had, you knew her family's history with alcoholism, and that's part of the reason you kept a lot of your drinking from her... why you'd lied to her that day she'd almost been run over and the drinks you had that morning before brunch almost cost her her job. You also knew trust was a big issue with Calleigh, that trust was key in all of her deep relationships... and that you'd let her down.
You raise your head and stare at the lockers before you, as if you could see through them to the lockers on the other side, to the spot where she'd stood with Eric Delko only moments before. They were married and she was pregnant with his baby. You think that you could have had that... you could have been married to Calleigh, she could have been having your baby, it could have been you that she wanted to be with that night, but you missed your chance.
You also know that you are kidding yourself. You know that she's different with him, different than she ever had been with you. She never smiled at you the way she smiled at Delko earlier, her eyes never lit up for you quite like they did when Delko walked into the Ballistics Lab. She opened up to him like she never did with you, that much had been painfully clear. She'd let Eric Delko in, really let him in. In a way that she never let you in, even back when you were both young and foolish, back when you were at the Academy together. Hell, she'd told Delko that she loved him... something she'd never told you. Then again, you'd never said those words to her.
With a sigh of resignation you get up from the bench, with one thought crossing your mind. She wasn't yours. Never had been. Eric Delko had her, had always had her. And the better man had won.