A/N: I was trying to think of something to write, and this just came out. There's not much known about Kanan, and this is my take on why she killed herself. It is the first of my pieces that I am giving an M rating, and that is because of the topics in this one. I may do one of these from Gonou's point of view.
Corruption
By
The Silver Feathered Raven
She hurt. She hurt all over. Every inch of her, even inside of her. She hurt.
Curled in a ball, her head resting on the cold floor of her prison, Kanan struggled to keep the tears at bay. She had cried so much over the past months, so much that she thought that the tears were all gone. But it seemed that they weren't as one salty drop trailed down her face, collecting in the corner of her mouth. With a trembling hand, she reached up to wipe the wetness away. But she stopped halfway, letting her arm drop back to the ground.
She hurt. God, she hurt.
She tried not to dwell on all that had happened, tried not to think about that-that creature's hands on her, or his—
She shuddered, biting down on her lower lip. Why was this happening to her? She…what had she done to deserve it? Was she being punished for loving Gonou?
Why couldn't things have just remained how they were?
Thinking of Gonou created a knot in her chest, an ache that wouldn't go away. She wanted him to come and save her…but at the same time, she knew that…that she was beyond saving. After all, she was so corrupted. So used, so violated, so…
Lost. Kanan thought that might be the word she was looking for. Lost. She didn't know where she was, or what to do. She was only alive at the mercy of him, and that was only because she was still live enough to play with.
Kanan knew that was the only reason. Because he was still able to…to…to do that and hear her scream in pain and fear. She knew because she had heard him say that, when he had finished and left her, leaving her to weep on the edge of the bed. He had told someone—she didn't know who, or even if he was talking to her or not—that the only reason she lived was because she amused him. And that she was beautiful. A-a good find, a good catch.
She wrapped her arms tighter around her, pulling her knees to her chest. Even that movement sent pain running through her, but she felt safer this way. As safe a she could feel, at least.
How…even if Gonou came, how could she face him? Beneath this dress, her body…she was no longer what she had been. There were scars and bruises and cuts and bites and…and she was…she was carrying…
When she had first realized, she had hoped with all her being that it was Gonou's. That somehow it wasn't his. But she knew, even as she hoped and prayed, that it was his. Gonou hadn't…it wasn't…she…
She didn't want this thing inside of her, but there was nothing to get it out. She had tried hitting her stomach, tried to cause it to loose itself from her womb, but it didn't work. It didn't work one bit.
Dimly, she could hear something. Out there, in the rest of this fortress. Something was happening, though she had no idea what. She heard screams and yells. Maybe Gonou—
No. It couldn't be. He—he was no warrior. Even if it were him, he would be dead within moments. She couldn't let herself get her hopes up. They would just be dashed to pieces upon the ground.
Why? Why, why, why, why? She didn't…did they deserve this? To be torn apart, to suffer like this? Was loving her brother this punishable? She…she didn't think so. The feelings she had for him, they…she couldn't control them. She loved him, and he loved her, but why…
Why did they have to be born as siblings?
Why did any of this have to happen?
She sat up slowly, feeling pain ignite in her abdomen. Her hands moved over her dress and her stomach roiled as she thought about what was there. About the creature inside of her. She wanted it out, wanted it dead. It was part of him and she wanted him dead as well. But she didn't have it in her to do anything. She was too frightened.
There was a part of her that could do it. That part would have her hands tighten around his neck the next time he called upon her, have her broken fingernails dig into his throat. That part of her would laugh as the blood spilled over her body.
But that wasn't her. It was part of her, but it wasn't her. She, Kanan, would never be able to do that.
She wondered if that part was also in Gonou. She thought that she had seen it in his eyes several times, the part that would kill just because. She had seen it when someone had insulted her, called her a whore and a slut. She had seen it, but never directed at her, for which she was so glad.
She hurt. There were gashes from claws along her back, rows on either side of her spine. They had closed, scabbed over, but there were still patches of blood staining her dress. Every time she moved they stretched and broke open, a constant reminder of what had happened to her. Bruises upon her breasts from his hands, bite marks here and there. Cuts upon her thighs, bruises from…
Kanan tightened her hands into fists, driving first one, then the other, into her stomach, in an attempt to rid herself of the creature.
She had always wanted a child, had thought that she would be a good mother. But when she had imagined the child, the father was always Gonou. And the child was not part youkai.
She could not be a mother to this child.
Her stomach hurt now. Bruises had most likely been added, but as she looked down she found no blood staining the ground. Her head sank, tears collecting in her eyes. It hadn't work.
Was this her punishment? For loving her brother?
She felt so dirty, so corrupted. How could she even face him? How would she feel, looking up into Gonou's eyes? She…
She couldn't do it. She didn't think that she could.
There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs and she looked up, ready to be called upon. No; she wasn't ready. But she had to be. She had—
"Kanan?"
Her breath caught in her throat. Was it—
"Kanan? Are you here?"
"G-Gonou?" Her voice sounded so faint, so broken. Oh, God, he was here. He—was that blood? His…oh, God.
"Kanan!" She saw him turn, saw his eyes light up as he saw her there, then saw the grief and pain and fear pass over his face.
"Go…nou." She had wanted this, hadn't she? "Is that you…?" Even seeing him there, she could barely believe it. But was it…was it really him? So much blood…
Gonou fell to his knees before her, arms reaching through the bars of her prison, holding her. She saw relief flood over his face and she felt her stomach churn. He didn't know…did he? "You're alive! You're really alive!"
Oh, God. He sounded so happy. She swallowed hard, closing her eyes. How…she couldn't do this. She opened them again, seeing the blood that covered the side of his face. "Your right eye…" Her voice trailed off. Had he…he'd come to save her? "Why did you come here?"
He was too late.
His hands tightened on her shoulder, trying to draw her as close as he could through the bars. "I'm so sorry, Kanan! For everything!"
He sounded…he almost sounded as though he were about to cry. Kanan felt the pain return to her chest and she looked down, not able to face him. There, by his side. A knife. She breathed in. Yes. That would work, because she just couldn't hold on anymore.
"L-let's go home, okay?" Gonou continued, unaware of what she had just decided on, his voice breaking. Kanan felt the tears begin to spill out over her cheeks. "I promise I'll protect you."
"It's too late." The words were past her lips before she could stop them. "All right?"
She saw his one good eye widen. "What?" She reached through the bars, her fingers closing around the knife. Gonou just sat there, frozen, as though he didn't know what was happening. And maybe he didn't. "What are you—"
The tears ran freely down her face now, filling her mouth with the salty taste. She backed away from him, rising to her feet. She took a deep breath. She had to tell him. She had to. "I'm carrying his child." There. She said it. She had to close her eyes, to block out the pain that shone from Gonou's face. "The spawn of that…beast is resting in my belly. That's why." She drew the knife from its sheath, keeping her eyes closed. She had to do this, and she didn't want to see his face. She was selfish, in that way. "Goodbye, Gonou." She let out a ragged breath, nearly sobbing.
She had to do this. She had to. She was nothing now, just corrupted filth. She—Gonou deserved better.
The sheath clattered against the floor and she raised the knife before her, her eyes still shut. Then, in one swift motion, she plunged it into her stomach, through where the child was.
She barely heard his scream as the blood rushed out, covering her body. She didn't even notice that she slipped to the ground. There was pain, yes, so much pain. But it was almost a good pain. It was dead. Gone. And this blood…this blood was cleansing her.
She hadn't even seen the pain on Gonou's face. But this was her choice…and in her eyes, there was nothing else to do.