I do not Own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, all of this would've happened, and I wouldn't be writing. And, Akuroku would officially be a canon pairing, not just a pairing we all know is true.
I always knew he was going to leave someday. I'm not going to kid myself and say that it came as a shock, because it didn't. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen, and I'm not going to pretend it was unexpected. I always knew he was going to leave, but what I didn't' know is that would hurt so much. Funny, huh? Funny that I didn't know I could hurt until it was too late to feel.
I'm getting ahead of myself, though. I need to start at the beginning. The painful beginning, or was it the painful middle, the painful end? And was it really painful then? I remember nothing of pain, just lust, attraction, desire… love.
The beginning, right, I'll start at the beginning.
I was the one who found him. It was a cold day in January, and old Mansex had been bothering me all day to do something productive, so I went to take a smoke on this old clock tower in a new world I'd found. Barely anyone went up on it anymore in their town because of some accident that had happened a few years back. The view from the tower was amazing, so I'd taken to going there when anyone was being annoying.
I hadn't expected company.
He was as naked as baby Jesus, but he sure wasn't 'wrapped in swaddling clothing.' His eyes were as beautiful and blue as the sea. His hair was mussed looking and blonde as it could've been. His skin was as tan as it could be considering how fair I was sure he normally was. It was the skin of a boy who spent most of his time on the beach, or something of that like. He was shorter than me, but that really doesn't mean a whole lot, considering how freakishly tall I am. The thing that got to me, though, was how sad he looked, how hallow he seemed to be.
He was curled up with his knees to his chest, cleverly blocking his 'special' parts. He shivered in the cold air, and when I came up to him, he barely even blinked. I sank down on one knee in front of him, carefully putting on my 'platonic/sympathetic' face. After all, I didn't want to scare the little thing by my emotionless, numb face. Damn that numb look that had scared everyone.
"Hey, you ok? You want a jacket or something?" I asked, trying my best to look concerned. I was confused, and a little bit curious. What was this boy doing on top of the clock tower, naked?
It hit me suddenly, and I felt really stupid. Well, duh, he was a new one! I wondered why I hadn't guessed earlier, seeing as I basically was the same when I was 'born.' I'm guessing it was because I'd never been the one to find a new one, so I hadn't been sure.
I waited for him to answer, and when he did, something strange happened. When he answered, I felt something move in my chest, something that hurt, but felt wonderfully glorious at the same time. I was oblivious to what it was, at the time. At the time, I was guessing it was just heartburn (Yeah, fair, huh? We have no hearts, but we get heartburn. We're so abused) or something I'd eaten, but now I know. Now I know I'd had the first feeling since I'm been born. I know what you're asking, too. What did he say, Axel? Am I right? I'm sure I am. I'm almost always right, got it memorized.
He said, in a tone so lifeless and cold, "I don't feel."
I did the only thing I could think of doing. I took of my organization coat and draped it over him, even zipping it up for him. It was actually pretty comical, considering the size differences. He looked like he was swimming in black cloth or something equally bad. I didn't really say anything after that, and he didn't either. I sat there for a while, and we watched the sun set.
I hate sunsets. I don't know why people like them, or even enjoy them. Really, I find them hypocritical, ironic, and depressing. People always celebrate births, right? People are happy when things are born. People mourn deaths, right? People are sad when things die. So, why, I ask, do we celebrate, or even enjoy, sunsets? The sun dies when it sets, and the night comes into play. So, why, then, are we happy?
So, we sat and watched as the sun slowly drifted towards the ground, dying slowly and painfully. When I go, I don't want to go like the sun. I want it to be quick and painless, but I'm guessing that wouldn't ever happen, you know? Just not my kind of luck, I guess. As the dying rays of sunlight reached up towards the sky, desperately trying to find something to hold on, to keep from falling, I stood up again. I couldn't handle the bitter desperation of the end of a sunset, so I gave hand to the other boy, waiting for him to get up. He looked at my hand, covered in a leather black glove. He looked at me, then, and I'm pretty sure it was for the first time. I remember what I was wearing, because I always wear the same thing under my coat. I was wearing a fire red tank top and black jogging pants. He looked at my hand, and I just waited calmly. Finally, he stuck out a small, pale, frail one of his own, and I pulled him up.
"I hate sunsets," he mumbled.
I'm pretty sure it was then that I fell in love.
Mansex practically had an orgasm when I brought Roxas back. He was sure that he was going to be the key to finding our hearts, and all that shit. Really, I wasn't actually listening; I was counting the number of freckles on Roxas's arm. There were 4, spread out, and pale. Oh, yeah, the boy's name? It was Roxas. He couldn't remember his last name, but he knew his name was Roxas. I wondered briefly why he hadn't told me, but I didn't push it. After all, I remembered being new, confused, hurt, upset… being told you didn't have a heart was pretty tough, you know?
The thing was, he wasn't upset, scared, nothing. He took it all in, agreed to join, and moved into my room. You'd think, having our huge head quarters, that the kid would have his own room, you know? But, he just didn't. Apparently we were using all the other rooms for weird crap. I mean, we had an entire room used for bubbles. Seriously, I and Roxas found it one time, but that's another story.
Slowly, we became friends. He was quiet, moody, brooding, stormy and insecure. I was eccentric to the max, exuberant, wild, crazy, and in love with myself. We were the most unlikely friends, but slowly, he warmed up to me. We'd go around, explore, and have as good a time you could have without a heart. The thing was, when I was around Roxas, I didn't have to 'put on' my faces. I was suddenly laughing, smiling, doing things naturally. Mansex said that having a 'friend' was making it easier to call up fake emotions. I really didn't give a shit, though, since Mansex generally sucks. Heh, get it, sucks?
Roxas was slowly developing, too. He made timid, quiet jokes, and timid, quiet remarks. He was witty and clever when he wasn't trying. Soon enough, we was being almost half as loud as I am, or in other words, normal. We pulled pranks on other members, and we always were eating this ice cream he was in love with.
On the other hand, we were always talking about stuff. One time, he spent four days with me, just asking questions. I swear, I think he asked me 400 questions by the time he was done, and I just did my best to explain things. I felt myself getting close to him. We were really bonding. By March, I could easily call him my best friend, my partner, my comrade, even, maybe, my brother.
Things changed, though. I started getting these… feelings. I know, weird word, huh? We'll call them urges, then. We'd be hanging out, eating ice cream or something, and suddenly I'd really want to kiss him. We actually hugged a whole lot, for being guys, and sometimes, I didn't want to let go. I was scaring myself, and I tried distancing our relationship.
That, though, probably set off the bomb. He got upset, and retreated back into the corner of his mind. I had been trying to avoid him, to avoid the urges, so I wouldn't scare him. He didn't take it well, and finally, he confronted me.
"Axel, you bastard, listen to me!" he screamed at me one day, when we had a rare alone time in my room. I'd just put in my ipod, trying to resist the urge to jump on him and screw him into his bed.
He knocked the ipod out of my hand and glared at me pointedly. I didn't know what to do, so I tried the old 'This Axel is innocent' act.
"Huh? What?" I asked, trying to look surprised.
"You know what!" he shouted at me, and I dropped the act, sighing. "You've been avoiding me for weeks! What the fuck is your problem? I've been trying to ask for weeks, and for weeks, and… jeez, it's annoying. I don't have anyone else to talk to, you know! Everyone else just sees me as, you know, the key! Jeez, you're my best friend; you're not supposed to be a bastard when I need you!" he yelled at me. I dropped my whole act and just looked really surprised. This was almost the most he'd ever said in one whole paragraph. I couldn't believe it had hurt him that much. Actually, he looked really hurt.
Still, I didn't want to risk hurting him. I was scared, and I was selfish. If he knew how much I… urged after him, he'd leave me as a friend forever. Still, I didn't want to hurt him… what to do? I had wondered.
"Roxy, I'm just… it's… complicated." I finally got out, looking at the ground, and playing with my fingers, my mop of red hair falling into my green eyes a little.
"What's so complicated? I'm your friend, tell me!" he demanded, forcing me to stare at him, with those blue eyes so innocent, but something hidden underneath.
"I… you… and… oh, fuck it!" I yelled, and I kissed him. I knew I was going to ruin it, but I finally had to act on the urge. I expected rejection, and so I began to pull away. I was almost separated from him when he pulled me back; crushing his lips into mine in an even deeper kiss than the one I had started. My eyes went wide, and he took advantage of my shock, pushing his tongue into my mouth none so gently.
I finally broke the kiss off in order to breath, or pant, whatever. When I finally looked back at him, he was smirking, standing in front of me with his arms crossed.
"Took you long enough," he murmured, and dived down for more.
I wish I could tell you that everything was perfect after that. I mean, I really wish I could. I wish more than anything that I could just say "The end, happily ever after!" but it wasn't. True, Roxas's relationship with my continued to get better and better. We became closer than ever.
Soon after our little make out section, we pushed our beds together in our small room. Sleeping with him in my arms at night was probably the best feeling in the entire world. I'd always had problems sleeping because of my slight insomnia, but when I was with Roxas, our breaths mingling together, feeling our hearts beat in unison, I could sleep as long as I wanted.
I'm not going to say that things were less complicated, because they weren't. We had to keep our relationship hidden, because we were both kind of afraid that Mansex would try to tear us apart. We had a theory that both of us had half a heart, and that if you could kind your other half, you had a whole heart. After all, for most of our lives we'd been told we didn't have any heart, and it was kind of hard even to make that theory. Still, being with Roxas was like being in heaven while on Earth. It felt like I was cheating, but secretly, who cared if I was cheating? I had my Roxas; I deserved to get everything at once. After all, if he was mine, what in the world could possibly be wrong?
It seemed that a lot of things could be wrong, after all. In the Organization, it always seemed like we really weren't having a purpose. Most of the time, we played around, goofed off, and did practically nothing. I mean sure, we had to go on 'missions' but they weren't any big deal. Actually, most 'missions' were actually shopping trips, or doing the laundry. Shit like that, you know? Well, suddenly, Mansex realizes that Roxas has these things called key blades, and that if he kills a whole bunch of heartless, we can get our hearts back. Sounds great, yeah? Well, I guess it was a good plan.
Except, for you know, it sucked.
Roxas and I barely had anymore time together. Well, we did, but it was only fighting. I mean, fighting was fun and all, but it just wasn't good times. Sometimes, Roxas would get hurt. But, most of the time, I would get hurt. I could tell it was tearing Roxas apart, seeing me hurt, but we would always comfort each other, and then things were okay again.
I kind of knew that he would be leaving soon. That's probably why I attached myself to him to deeply those last few months. Sometimes, I would just sit there, shaking and crying in his arms, because I knew he was going to leave me, leave us all, for something I didn't understand. Sometimes he'd cry, possibly from guilt, but who knows? He never told me why. We were the closest we'd ever been, and then, finally, he left.
It was raining in The World that Never Was. Roxas had been gone the whole day, and I just knew. I was leaning against a wall, outside when it was raining. The other members stayed away. If I was outside when it was raining, they knew something was seriously wrong. I was leaning against the wall, staring at the sky, my heart pounding, and my red hair plastered against my face.
I heard him before I saw him. He had on his organization cloak, which he really didn't wear all that much, so I knew it was all just wrong. Everything was just so wrong.
He hesitated by me, and I know he was waiting for me to speak. So, I spoke to him, saying things I knew only he'd know what I mean.
"You can't turn on the organization! You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!"
Don't leave me, If you die, I'll die!
"No one would miss me," he said, but I knew his words were as fake as this façade.
You can live without me, Axel, pull yourself together.
He walked away then, trying to escape from my last words, the last one he'd hear knowingly. Some would argue that he never heard them, but I know he did, because I could hear how his breathing died for a moment when he walked, how he paused for a millisecond.
"That not true," I said, "I would."
He heard me, all right, but he had to leave, and nothing could stop him from doing so. I wouldn't stop him either, you know? The saying goes, "I you love something, you'll let it go."
I always knew he'd leave someday, but I didn't know it'd hurt so much.
And it was then that I knew. I knew I had a heart at that very moment. How do you know? You ask. I knew I had a heart…
Because I could feel it breaking.
I'd say things were the same after that, but they weren't, not at all. I lifelessly completed my missions, slowly, surely finishing them without passion or fun. The organization stopped pulling pranks, and we just numbly went about our business. I only used fire when I had to, preferring to just beat the snot out of the heartless with my weapons. My fire had died when Roxas left, using it would make me feel too fake, too hypocritical.
Then, I was given a chance to get him back, and I took it. It seemed like he was in some kind of false world, waiting for his other, Sora, to regain his memories so they could join back together. Suddenly, I had my passion back. I knew that Roxas would never want to join Sora freely. If he would have, I'd have let him, but I knew he didn't want to, and on that, we agreed.
Really, I was only promising myself some more heart break. I visited him multiple times, and he didn't even remember me, not one bit.
Finally, when he did, we had to fight to the finish. I'd been given orders to destroy him, but I knew I'd fail. Anyhow, I'd rather die than live a life without him.
It was a long fight, harsh and cold, without meaning or anything. He won, eventually, and I faded back into the real world, while he went and joined Sora.
Everything after that was kind of an odd colored blur. I did a whole bunch of stuff, trying to get him back, when I knew it was futile. Nothing I did worked, and really, I'm not exactly sure why I tried, but I did. I wanted him back so much. I wanted to feel my heart again, something I would only feel when I was with him. Something I could only do when I was with him.
Finally, I made my last move every, destroying myself for him. Yeah, I died so he would live; live on in the shell I didn't know. I knew his heart shone out to me, though, while I lay fading away, feeling my body detach from my heart. I died for him, I lived for him, and everything I did was for him. He was my reason for living, my reason for breathing. He was my passion, my drive, my fire.
And then, I knew my heart was real. But, the funny thing was, when I finally figured it out, it was too late to hurt, too late to feel. When I finally realized that my heart was my own, no one else's, it was too late to use it anyhow.
A heart is both a gift and a curse. It can make you feel like you're on the top of the world, or just as low as the bottom of the ocean. It can hurt you, or it can help you. It can make you, or it can break you. A heart is the biggest gift, and the worst disaster.
And the only thing worst than having a heart is not knowing you had one in the first place.
As I lay dying, Roxas came to me, smiling and holding out his hand. As I lay dying, watching his other kneeling next to me, my heart stood up and took Roxas's hand. I am with him now, though my body is not. We live together, feeling, being, and loving. Everything is pure and full of joy, because everything is with Roxas.
I always knew he was going to leave someday. What I didn't know was that he would always come back.
-Le Fin-
Author's Notes: This is what I like to call 'Axel's Side' of Kingdom Hearts Deuce. As you can see, I also like to think that he ended up with Roxas, if only in spirit. It makes me happy inside. I also love Reviews, the good, the bad, and the ugly. This was really only written for me, but I'm glad to share it with all of you.