You Didn't Get Out
"It's not about fault, it's about will."
Dean always thought he had enough will to do anything. He had the will to follow in Dad's footsteps and become a hunter. He had the will to make a deal with the cross-roads demon and sell his soul to save his brother. He had the will to give himself over to God and heaven in order to save the world. He even had the will to let his brother say yes to Lucifer to stop the Apocalypse. But above all, Dean had always had the will to find Cass. No matter what.
At least, he did until Purgatory. Even now, when both he and Castiel were out, he would still remember how he had failed. How he had lost his will.
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Dean was devastated when Castiel had disappeared in that forest, leaving him with all those monsters. But even then, when he thought that the angel had left him to save himself, Dean didn't stop looking for him. Even when he found a way out of Purgatory, Dean kept on looking. "First we find the angel." he said, over and over and over again. The angel…his angel.
It was weeks…possibly months, he couldn't tell, of torturing, questioning and killing monsters until he got the answer he was looking for. Every time he would ask the same question as he pinned the new victim to a tree, crude blade held at their throat: "Where's the angel?" And each time he would get the same answer, "I don't know." and would promptly kill the man he held. Purgatory, the battle field of monsters…it does weird things to a person's soul. Makes them more like the monsters it was meant to contain.
Then finally, he got his answer, "Follow the stream…you'll find your angel there." He killed the vampire anyways, there was no mercy in this hell-hole.
If Purgatory changes humans, it distorts Angels, twisting and breaking them. That was how Dean found Castiel by the stream; the broken shell of an angel that once was but was no more. But upon seeing Dean, his hunter, Castiel's lips broke into the resemblance of a smile and he hugged the man tightly. Dean's smile could only be described as heartbreakingly beautiful and happy, a wide grin that spread across his lips as he hugged his angel tightly, promising that he would get him out.
But Castiel didn't get out.
Months later, when Castiel appeared on the earth again, Dean was a wreck, full of fault and guilt and pain. The angel found his hunter again at a bar, the den of inequity, drinking himself to death. "Hello, Dean." he said in that deep, gravelly voice of his that Dean knew so well, not even smiling as Dean jumped and turned around. He just stared at his hunter with penetrating eyes, trying to read his soul. But, as always, Dean's soul was blank, a clean slate. Empty.
"Cass." Dean said in a choked, raspy voice, rusty from disuse. He nearly fell forward, hugging his angel in that same dirty, old trench coat tightly, tears flowing freely from his eyes. "I'm sorry. So sorry. Oh Cass…" he breathed.
Castiel hugged his hunter back a bit awkwardly, smelling the sex and alcohol on him. It was an almost comforting, familiar smell for the angel, so much better than when Dean had reeked of blood and death from Purgatory. "What are you sorry for?" he asked after a while. "You have done nothing wrong, Dean." he said gently, pushing the hunter lightly back into his seat and sitting on the stool next to him, ordering a drink. "If this is about getting out of Purgatory…"
"You didn't get out." Dean said sharply, turning to look at the angel with a steady, hard gaze. "I couldn't get you out."
There was a moment of silence as Castiel threw back his drink and got another, downing that one as well. Now that he was back he had the air of the angel he once was…but he was still broken, and Dean knew he would never be whole again. "You saved yourself, Dean." Castiel said slowly, his voice rough and low as always. "That's what's important."
"No, it's not!" Dean almost shouted, looking at Cass like he was crazy. "It's all my fault, I should have got you out."
Castiel sat there for a moment, turning his glass over in his hands for a few moments before he finally spoke. "It's not about fault, it's about will." he said quietly and then there was a flutter of wings and Castiel was gone.
Dean was alone again.
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Will. Dean thought he had the will to do whatever he wanted. He would proclaim that what he did have was a GED and a 'give em hell attitude' and that seemed to always be enough. It got him through Lilith, it got him through the Apocalypse, it even got him through the Leviathan fiasco. His will even got him through Purgatory. But there was one thing his will couldn't get Dean Winchester through-
Losing Castiel.