A/N: This is a oneshot parody of Lord of the Rings. I had this idea a few days ago and thought "Why not?". The Palm series will be concluded soon, but this will serve as a filler to bridge the gap. Enjoy! My usual disclaimer stands- happy monkey attacks!
Big Mike loved Donut Mondays. Almost as much as Donut Tuesdays, but not quite. This was the first donut of the week for him. He could feel the heat from it as he held it tightly in his thick palm.
He went to take the first bite from the crust, and stopped.
There was a knock on the door.
"Morgan, how many times do I have to tell you, not to knock unless it's a real emergency?" Big Mike yelled as he saw Morgan Grimes outside his office. He loved his mother, but was slightly disappointed the son wasn't Bartowski. Still, the kid had his uses.
"It is Big Mike. We've been surrounded by a militant force of the likes I haven't seen since I fought on the Underpass map on Modern Warfare 2,"
"Spies Grimes?"
"Worse sir. Much worse,"
*
The Buy More team was assembled near the automatic doors. Big Mike had left his donuts in his office and stood before the team.
"Gentlemen. Ladies. The sight you are about to see will shock you,"
He opened the double doors to reveal a line of angry mothers headed for the store across the car park. One of the mothers seemed to climb on top of the car to cheer them on.
"They bought our Super Savers Coupon last year and never reclaimed it. Because someone wouldn't accept it!"
Jeff gulped audibly, wiping down his remaining tufts of ginger hair with sweaty palms. Lester and Morgan took a step back in fright.
"Hold your brow! Hold your brow! My friends, I see a day when all our Call of Duty games are sold out and we have to order more in. I even see a day without Donuts if this evil is allowed to fight. But that is not today! I urge you now for all that you hold dear. Fight! Fight for the Buy More!" Big Mike urged them on.
"Will you lead us in to battle my liege?" Lester asked nervously.
"Hell no. It's Donut Monday. You idiots gotta fight for yourselves!"
*
The mothers approached, and the Buy More staff held their ground. Morgan walked up and down the aisle inspiring his co-workers.
"We'll never win here Morgan. Call Chuck," Anna instructed as they stood armed with their leaflets. Jeff and Lester stood at the doors, arms shaking.
"No good. He's on the day off with his lady," Morgan bowed his head.
Skip ran through the back doors, sliding as he slipped on the floor.
"They're waiting for us to move," Skip yelled, and Morgan noticed red stuff leaking from the Nerd Herder's shirt.
Tomato sauce. Lou.
"Jeffrey! Let loose the leaflets," Morgan yelled.
Jeff ran out into the crowd of women armed with the leaflets. As one, the women started running towards him.
"Morgan he's got no chance. Save him!" Lester screamed. Morgan could only freeze as he watched events unfold around him.
Jeff ran across towards the ladies.
"There's the pervert!" Lou screamed, hurling a sandwich which hit Jeff square on. Jeff dabbed his head and felt tomato sauce before breaking down into tears. Lester placed his head in his hands.
"Tomatoes. Jeff hates tomatoes,"
The women surged forward, headed straight for the front doors. Skip and Fernando stood together, armed with toasters.
"No gents. We won't attack first," Morgan reprimanded. Lou entered the store first, and Morgan froze up in fear before adopting the position. She collided with his fist and fell on to the floor.
"That's the Morgan for you baby," Morgan yelled as he forced the automatic doors shut. He took a momentary respite.
Before he heard Lester's girlish screams.
"The rear door has been taken. The Buy More has been breached! Retreat!" he yelled, diving over the Nerd Herd desk. Morgan could only brace himself as the end drew near.
And then Big Mike ran out of his office with the fire extinguisher. He took a dramatic look at Morgan.
"For Norman," he nodded, before running towards the oncoming storm of women. He leaped over Jeff's shuddering body despite his weight, showering the first line of women with foam.
Morgan stared desperately out of the doors as he held his chosen weapon next to him. And then in the distance he saw a sight that made his heart melt. More than sizzling shrimp.
The Nerd Herder.
Chuck, Sarah and Casey climbed out slowly armed with paintball guns. They walked in line into the Buy More.
"Chuck. Thank god you're here. Where have you been?"
"A Bartowski is never late Morgan. Nor is he early. He arrives exactly when he gets a call from his small bearded friend,"
Lou stood up dreamily and froze at the sight of Chuck and Sarah- arm in arm with paintball guns.
"Take your forces back into the firey abyss of Large Mart from whence you came," Morgan screamed to Chuck's confusion.
"I see you two finally got together. Has he told you I'm better?" Lou sneered, throwing down the Bartowski sandwich onto the floor. Sarah grimaced, and fired twice between Lou's chest.
"Guess no one will compare with you tonight," Sarah spat. The angry mothers ran, fleeing the store. They had won.
*
Big Mike walked down the line of troops, examining the mess before him. The store was a nightmare, with some of the people trying to press charges.
"Don't worry sir. I have contacts which will deal with this," Casey grinned, cracking his knuckles. Big Mike nodded at Chuck and Sarah who were covered in paint- a flash of confusion evident on his face having seen the Orange Orange girl there. He gave a celebratory nod to Morgan.
And then he came to Jeff.
"Jeffrey, this mess came from you. Are you willing to clean up this mess?"
"Yes sir," Jeff mumbled. He grabbed the mop and thrust it briefly at Lester, before walking down the aisle. Big Mike called Chuck over and indicated the screen next to him showing a Facebook group against Jeff.
"Bartowski. The battle for Buy More is over. The battle for Buy More Burbank is about to begin,"
"Cool. Text me when it happens," Chuck replied, arms linked with Sarah. Happily they walked out of the store, enjoying the distraction from the mission.
"Right then. Take down some Ring agents?" Sarah asked, casting aside her paintball gun.
"After you,"
*