The Break that Wasn't.
Fandom: Lost Girl
Pairing: Bo/Lauren
Rating: T (Language)
Summary: What if Delinquents had been the season finale? Bo decides she'd rather not take a break and returns to change Lauren's mind.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost Girl or any one in it. This story is for entertainment (I hope) only
A/N: This is my first Lost Girl which I wrote for my friend's birthday .
I apologize if this is OOC and skips around the timeline a bit, it was unintentional. I had this idea of things I wish Bo & Lauren had discussed instead of Bo giving in so easily to Lauren's 'we need a break' speech. Also I haven't seen all the episodes in S2 so if I got something wrong, again I apologize.
Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.
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Bo swiped at the tear on her cheek as she walked away from Lauren's wondering what the hell had just happened.
Seeing that human kid Nelson strangling her lover nearly sent Bo over the edge. Her Fae nature was screaming at her to follow Dyson and finish what she'd started as she pictured the cuts and bruises all over Lauren's sweet face, but the rest of her was simply too numb to do it.
"We need a break." Those words ran over and over in Bo's mind, her heart breaking at every repeat. As hard as she tried, she couldn't understand what had happened. She had known things had been screwed up since the whole Dawning thing came up and that she'd made some pretty bad decisions, but she just figured Lauren was still feeling guilty about not believing her about Kenzi. Bo had done everything she could to show her that she forgave her and Lauren had never said anything else about it, just like she never said anything about Bo blowing off her award thing.
Suddenly Bo froze and a frustrated anger began to push out her depression. This was becoming a cycle with them. Someone would do something inadvertently hurtful and the other would just play it off as if everything was fine. There was so much between them and Bo began to understand that both of them were so afraid of losing what they had that they wouldn't talk about what was bothering them.
Even now, Lauren simply said she was tired and unhappy and Bo knew that it was partly true. Lauren had been through far more in five years than anyone, Fae or human, should have had to endure, culminating with her being nearly beaten to death by the boyfriend of a Fae Bo had brought down. Lauren willingly risked everything for her on a regular basis, even if it Bo resented her for it at the time and she never defended herself when Bo lashed out in return. She just kept her emotions locked inside of her, unwilling to give anyone a way to hurt her.
And that, Bo thought with a flash of insight, was the real problem. Lauren Lewis would fight until the bitter end for everyone else but had absolutely no idea how to fight for herself and Bo wasn't having it. Not any more.
Turning on her heel, she practically ran back to Lauren's quarters. She nearly tripped over her feet at the sight that greeted her. Instead of the almost stoic woman she'd left just a few minutes before, she saw Lauren crying as Bo had only seen her cry once before and it felt as if someone had kicked her in the gut to know the woman she loved was prepared to suffer alone.
"I'm not doing this," she said quietly, her heart aching to see Lauren so broken.
Lauren's head shot up at the unexpected voice. "Bo, please just…"
"No," Bo said as she closed the perpetually open door and joined Lauren on the sofa. Part of her couldn't help but be impressed at how quickly Lauren had regained her composure, but mostly she just hurt.
"I said I wasn't going anywhere and I meant it. I'm not going to let you give up on me…on us."
"You said you understood," Lauren said stiffly, so emotionally worn down she wasn't sure she could remain civil.
"I lied," Bo said simply. "I don't understand why you're pushing me away Lauren. I don't understand why after all we've been through to be together, you continue to think that you aren't enough for me. Do you know how that makes me feel?"
"This isn't about you," Lauren said numbly.
"That's it, isn't it?" Bo said curiously, struggling not to reach out to wipe the lingering tears from Lauren's face.
"That's what?"
"Lauren, when you…when I left it finally hit me exactly what you've been trying to tell me for weeks. What I should have realized a long time ago but was too caught up in my own issues to notice."
"You've had a lot going on Bo. You…"
"God, please stop doing that," Bo said with exasperation, drawing startled brown eyes to her and she calmed herself, not wanting to scare the woman who'd just been attacked.
"I'm sorry," she said more gently, "but you always do that. You always make excuses for me and I let you, but not this time. What we have is too important."
Lauren sighed and looked away. "Bo, I'm tired and I'm sore. Can't this wait?"
"No," Bo said scooting closer. She carefully reached out and took Lauren's chin, a chin she'd enjoyed kissing so many times before and pulled Lauren's gaze back to her. "I listened to you and now it's my turn. The first thing I need to say is something I haven't said anywhere near enough for you to believe it: I love you Lauren. I mean I am absolutely crazy in love with you, so much that I don't know what to do with it all."
Lauren's eyes slid closed at the heartfelt confession. "I…"
"Not yet," Bo said dropping her hand, afraid her nature would cause her to lose focus. "I said some very cruel things to you when you didn't believe me about Kenzi." Bo hated the way Lauren flinched at that but she had to be honest. It was the only way to truly move forward.
"A part of me is still disappointed and hurt," she admitted, "but my heart knows that you were right. You knew there was something wrong with me and as a doctor your job was to focus on that."
"I wasn't being a doctor Bo," Lauren said, knowing it was beyond time they talked about that. The guilt still ate at her almost as much as that first night they spent together. "If you want complete honesty, I really didn't care about Kenzi at that point. All I cared about was you. All I wanted was to make sure you were okay. Still think I'm all great and noble?" she asked with a bitter smile.
Bo was surprised by the admission but it didn't change anything. "Yes," she said simply. "The way you love people is amazing. The way you love me…I've never had that before and I'm not going give it up."
"It's a bit too late," Lauren said, the pain of the last few days and Tamsin's revelation sending a sharp pang of bitterness through her.
"Why?" Bo pleaded. "Is it because I missed your banquet? I told you…"
Lauren laughed but there was no humor it. "Alright, if you really want to do this, then yes. Your missing the banquet to go off with Tamsin is a big part of it, but I could have accepted that had you just been honest. Instead of telling me some pathetic lie about being at the Dal, you should have just said you were trying to save that girl. Of course you probably thought I was so engrossed in my petri dishes to care about the fate of a child."
Bo cringed. She'd forgotten what she'd said to Lauren about her job and how much she'd belittled it. "God, I'm so sorry for that Lauren," she said sincerely. "It was that stupid thing that Trick was playing for the Dawning. It made me act drunk and…"
"Yeah," Lauren snorted. "In Vino Veritas," she muttered.
"You have to know that I do respect what you do and how much admire you for it," Bo insisted, feeling increasingly discouraged by Lauren's dismissive shrug.
"Were you drunk when you nearly drained me to save Dyson?" Lauren asked suddenly feeling the flood of every hurt demanding to be released.
Bo was beginning to question her decision to come back. It seemed forcing Lauren to talk was making her more resentful and she was starting to fear that the 'break' could easily become a full on break-up'.
"I couldn't let him die Lauren," she said softly. "He's my friend and I care for him a great deal. I would have done the same for any of you."
Lauren sighed. She knew that Bo meant it. The woman would risk anything to protect those closest to her but she couldn't forget the way Bo had cried over the one man that still had a piece of her heart.
"Maybe," Lauren finally acknowledged reluctantly. "Of course maybe if you had ever felt enough to feed from me I wouldn't have been so surprised."
Bo was stung by that accusation. "Lauren you know why I won't feed from you," she protested.
"You said it was because you didn't want to hurt me, but I'm your doctor as well as your lover Bo. What am I supposed to think when you won't even let me help you when you need it? Especially when you have no trouble risking my safety for Dyson. All I can think is that I'm not good enough to help you, but I'm good enough to use to save the man you…him."
Bo gaped at Lauren for a moment, horrified by what she was hearing and then she had yet another realization that cut her already bleeding heart.
"How is it that someone who is so brilliant and so confident in their job can have so little faith in herself?" she asked sadly. "How is it that someone with a heart as big as yours can't believe that someone truly loves her? That I truly love you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Lauren retorted, her eyes stinging with the tears she refused to shed again.
Bo smiled gently. "Yes you do." Her smile faded and she picked up Lauren's hand, briefly diverted by how strong yet gentle those long beautiful fingers could be.
"Tell me Lauren," she ordered, dropping a kiss on Lauren's knuckles.
Lauren was as always, unable to resist a shiver at the feel of Bo's lips on her skin and she hated that weakness yet craved it nonetheless. She stiffened. She got through this before without breaking, she could do it again. If Bo wanted the truth, she'd get it.
"Fine. Maybe I doubt it because I always come last with you. It's always Kenzi, then Trick, then Dyson and apparently now Tamsin. Then, when you have time, there's me."
Bo started to argue but then something struck her. "What does Tamsin have to do with anything?"
Lauren chuckled. "My how protective you are of the Valkyrie."
Bo gritted her teeth and suppressed the flash of anger. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I know you kissed her," Lauren snapped, feeling the pain all over again. "The night you'd promised to share one of the most important events of my life with me, you were too busy kissing her to remember."
It was Bo's turn to close her eyes as the magnitude of that enormous mistake finally sunk in. "Lauren," she pleaded, meeting the accusing eyes that up until now had only looked at her with an adoration that took her breath away.
"No. Don't even try and say it was a 'succubus thing', because Tamsin was kind enough to point out that there was no feeding involved."
Fuck, Bo swore, vowing she was going to have a talk with the suddenly chatty Dark Fae. "Lauren, she kissed me. I'd just killed some asshole who was trying to kill me and she just…kissed me. It was over before I had time to push her away."
Lauren shook her head. "I want to believe you Bo, I do."
"Then believe me," Bo urged. "Or maybe your talk about not caring about my being a succubus was just talk. Maybe you do see me as some monster who can't keep it in her pants."
Lauren's eyes widened. "No," she protested immediately, unable to bear the pain in Bo's expressive eyes. "God Bo, never. I just…it's me. Every morning I wake up knowing that besides being only human, besides not being enough to help you when you're hurt and need me, I'm also not like you and the others. I'm not dangerous or even threatening. I'm a doctor that's all. And even if I were able to go out and hunt down bad guys with you, I'm tied to the Ash. My freedom doesn't extend past my lab. You…you're all of that and more. You're the most vibrant, passionate, exciting woman I've ever known and you're free. I can't share that with you and I can't blame you for wanting to spend time with those who are. I just can't take coming in last all the time either."
Bo's throat tightened painfully as she finally understood how the woman she'd always seen as so strong and confident, truly saw herself and she cursed every member of the Fae race for what they'd done to her. She cursed herself even more for not seeing it before now. Tamsin was right; she really did suck at reading people.
"Jesus Lauren," she said shakily. "Why have you never said anything?"
"I tried," Lauren replied quietly, driving the knife further into Bo's heart.
"I don't even know what to say," Bo said through tears of remorse and a building self-loathing. "I am so sorry Lauren that I couldn't see how much you were hurting. You always try so hard to be strong for everyone else and I just believed it. More than anyone I should have been able to see past those damned thick walls of yours and I didn't. I failed you."
Lauren sniffed and her heart clenched, recognizing the tone in Bo's voice and knowing the brunette was falling back into the well of self-doubt she'd finally begun emerge from. She wouldn't let that happen. She reached out and took Bo's hand in hers.
"No you haven't failed me Bo," she said firmly. "I know that you've feared relationships for so long that this is all so new to you. I also know that you've been trying so hard to come to terms with who you are and with the Dawning that your love life was not and shouldn't have been a priority for you. I understand that, I truly do."
"It should have been a priority," Bo interrupted angrily. "You should have been my priority. I love you, Lauren. More than I thought I could ever love anyone and I never really let you know that. At least not as often as I should have ."
Lauren wanted to argue but she couldn't. The first few days of their new relationship had been amazing and far more than she'd ever hoped for. Bo had been more than affectionate and loving but more importantly, she'd been happy. And for the first time in over five years, Lauren had been happy. She had fallen hard for Bo from the second she saw the succubus sitting defiantly in front of the Ash. The day Bo finally took a chance and said she wanted a relationship, Lauren knew that every sacrifice she'd ever made had been worth it.
Then Bo began to change and even knowing that part of it was because of the physiological evolution taking place inside of her, it didn't change the fact that Bo was still drawn to Dyson. Then came Tamsin. Lauren was smart enough to know that ultimately she could never compete with the wolf and the Valkyrie. Not just because they were Fae, but because they were everything that Lauren wasn't. And as her doubts grew, the more she felt Bo pulling away from her but still she held on and kept quiet instead of telling Bo how she felt.
"Bo, this isn't your fault," Lauren said sincerely. "I just wanted you so much that I never really let myself consider what I was asking you to give up for me. And no," she said when she saw Bo starting to reply, knowing what she was going to say, "I'm not talking about your feeding. God, I could never hate the one thing that keeps you alive. I'm talking about your freedom. Your ability to be the free-spirited woman you are without having to worry about me."
"That's bullshit Lauren," Bo said angrily. "This self sacrificing martyr crap may work on the Ash but I'm not buying it."
Lauren wasn't surprised by Bo's anger. She' actually expected it a lot sooner. "That's your problem then."
"Stop it," Bo ordered, fear that she was too late in understanding the woman she loved battling it out with frustration that Lauren wasn't even willing to try. "Stop pushing me away Lauren. It's not going to work. I fucked up and took you for granted. I know that now and I'm more sorry than I can say, but I'm not giving up without a fight. Don't you understand?" She kept her eyes on Lauren's refusing to let her pull away again.
"When I found out Dyson gave up his love for me, I was hurt Lauren. Almost as much as when I lost you to Nadia," she hated the flinch that crossed Lauren's face but continued, "but I didn't go to the Norn once the Garuda was defeated. I didn't push him to get his love back, but I'm sitting here fighting for you. Doesn't that tell you anything?"
Lauren didn't answer and Bo had no idea if she was reaching her or not. "God those walls of yours," she muttered almost to herself as she took Lauren's face in her hands, mindful of her injuries and trying not to let the fury at Lauren's assault filter back in.
"I. Love. You." Bo said slowly. "Only you. I don't want anyone else. Not Dyson, not Tamsin and sure as hell not the poor random bastards I have to feed on. You are everything to me Lauren and I know I haven't shown that very well. It's just, I know it's stupid but I don't really know how to be in love."
Lauren's heart broke at the simple honesty and she reached up to cover Bo's hand, as always startled by the vulnerability that this very dangerous woman carried inside. "It's not stupid Bo…"
"I want to though Lauren," Bo interrupted, "I want to learn with you but I need you to talk to me. I don't want you to hide your feelings just to spare mine because I'll only wind up hurting you and I can't stand the thought of that."
"You've gone through so much Bo. You've taken on the responsibility of caring for so many people not to mention learning about who you are, how can I add to that?"
"Because you love me," Bo replied instantly, "and you trust me enough to understand that I need to be there for you. Not just to protect you, but to help you carry all your burdens too. Your life has been no easier than mine Lauren and it hurts me to see you struggling alone when you don't have to. Please, don't send me away… let me show you that I can love you the way you deserve to be loved."
Lauren was trembling, her fear was that great but Bo's eyes…those beautiful, innocent and painfully expressive eyes melted the last bit of fight she had in her. "Do you mean it?" she asked hopefully.
Bo smiled the cocky little smile that Lauren loved. "I've never meant anything more," replied seriously. "I'm going to screw up Lauren. I know myself well enough to know that, but I will never hurt you deliberately. If I do just talk to me. Force me to listen if you have to but don't hold it inside. You're not alone anymore."
"Neither are you," Lauren replied kissing Bo's palm.
"Will you give me… us another chance?"
Lauren offered a watery smile. "How can I ever say no to you?"
"You can't," Bo replied as if it were the most obvious answer in the world, smiling at Lauren's chuckle.
Lauren's smile faded. "I won't settle for being last anymore Bo. I can't."
Bo swallowed. Normally an ultimatum like that would have had her running but she knew Lauren was protecting her heart.
"I know Lauren and I know that it's going to take time to make you believe how much I truly love you and that it's you I want. All I ask is that you let me try.
Lauren side and looked into the sweet, earnest brown eyes that were always more innocent than they probably should have been and nodded.
"I so want to kiss you now," she whispered her eyes moving to Lauren's incredibly talented lips, "but I don't want to hurt you," she added looking at the damaged mouth.
Lauren still wasn't convinced that one day, sooner rather than later, Bo would find her too high maintenance, but after those few horribly empty minutes after she'd suggested the break, Lauren knew that she had to try again. It was simply too painful not to have Bo in her life.
"I can take it," Lauren replied leaning forward and putting an end to Bo's hesitance. The painful sting was nothing compared to the beautifully gentle kiss Bo was giving her. It was a kiss of comfort and love and Lauren wondered how she ever thought she'd be able to live without this woman.
"I love you Bo," she said when they parted.
"I love you too," Bo replied feeling a sense of contentment like she'd never felt before and vowing that never again would she make this amazing woman cry.
The End.