I don't need anyone.

By: i heart psyduck

My therapist says everyone is a whole person. No one is ever missing a piece. And therefore, no other person ever completes you.

So to me that says I shouldn't feel like I need him. Or anyone else. On my good days, I remember that. On the bad ones, I sulk, I cry, and I wonder what's wrong with me.

Today's a bad one. I've sulked, and I've cried. I am currently trying to pull myself out of the imaginary gutter of despair.

I eye my orange note book. Again. Still prominent in the overflowing piles of my desk. If the state of my desk is a reflection of my mind, then the note book symbolized my only salvation. If I work on it, it promises me a chance to be rational, to believe, and to live in the moment again, as if the good times never paused.

Salvation is my orange scribble book. My idea book. I got 3 things on Graduation day. A Communications degree, a fashion design degree, and my notebook for planning my conquest of the world.

But it seems my luck for happy endings are not as good as for beginnings. There are 23 t-shirt designs – unsold. 3 good openings for motivations speeches – incomplete. And 7 quotes I liked and planned to contemplate and expand on creatively – left behind and ignored. Ugly white spaces. They feel like my failures.

This is where Sakura, my therapist, would tell me I'm having irrational thoughts. She's say they were not failures but creative spaces waiting for me. Or something like that. I can almost hear her voice. The next appointment is this Friday afternoon. 3 more days until then.

I'm still working freelance as a speaker, writer, and designer – well looking for work. My savings from my last corporate job of 1 and a half years will tide me over for another 9 month. Most people would be optimistic with the time span. Not all college grads even bothered to save. But the bad experience from being corporate, which is why I am still in therapy, also means there is almost no way I would return to that way of life. It sucks how one aspect of your life tends to bleed into all the other ones.

My love interest, Sasuke, and I have hit a snag. I'd met him through friends. We got along pretty well, though he was hard to read and kept a lot of emotions to himself. But since we got along and were both openly gay, we became friends with benefits after a while. The sex was great. Our friendship was fine. But I slowly developed FEELINGS for him. I tried to keep it to myself. Silence was never my forte. We talked about it and Sasuke didn't return those feelings for me. He's still hung up on his ex-boyfriend from 2 years ago and doesn't feel ready to be in a relationship.

I realized I will never get what I want out of the current Sasuke, so I took the steps to distance the 2 of us. I needed to see him less, talk to him less, and be with him less. I need time to forget his touches, his hugs, his random kisses, and all his kindness. Because I won't settle for less than a relationship.

It hurts him I think; I was one of two friends he really told stuff to. But he agreed that in the long run this was healthier for the both of us. It hurts me -- that he's so rational while I feel like a giant spiderweb being pulled apart piece by piece. I head to the bathroom to start my day, giving my orange book a sad glance. The world seems to be covered in a veil of gray today.