My undying love

Written by Miss Barbara

Rating: Fr 7

Spoilers: None

Pairing: Kate and McGee

Summary: Some people tell us the dead can't speak, but others are here to prove otherwise.

Author's Note: I wrote this for the captivating Kate challenge and I am not sure it meets the requirments, but I am entering it anyway. It's written at 1:30 in the morning.

My thanks goes too Joan, for beta reading it and helping me with suggestions, thank you dear!

My undying love

It used to be just an expression, one of those things you say but don't really know the meaning of. Or something you say to satisfy others but don't really mean. Until that one moment you die, that split-second that changes everything, in your world, but also in the world of the people around you. The moment that the universe changes and never will be the same. That exact moment you will realize what it means, undying love. Because even after you have passed away your love and your loved-ones are still there. It's a strange moment, it shows you a lot of things, it was the moment that I learned Gibbs used to have a crush on our future director or that Tony will get hurt and his ass kicked a lot, in the future.

There are no more opportunities to get to know other people and learn to love them. Maybe that's not what undying love means. Your ability to learn to love other people has died, your stuck with the people you already love. It feels that way, and now that I am dead, feeling is so much more intense. Everything you do now goes trough feeling and emotions, it has to, because I don't really have the use of my body right now, or a body for that matter.

I had to watch them, it was like a train wreck, you don't want to see it, but somehow you can't draw your eyes away. I felt the bullet enter my brain and somehow had to watch their reactions from that moment on. There was this strange need to scream, to convince them that I was still there, that I could touch them. But my dead body was enough evidence, even for me. It was unrealistic, because I didn't feel different, only so much better at the same time. It made me happy that I could still feel, because all those murder cases we solved, I know now that the people who got murdered know what we did for them and it made me feel better, and normally I would say that it's rude and wrong to say, but now I don't really care, because apparently I'm dead, and it's slightly confusing the whole being dead thing, with my feelings and emotions.

There are colors too, somehow emotions have their own colors now, and really, nothing is the same, happy things feel yellow and horrible things have deep and dark colors. It's confusing.

The expressions in their faces changes from shock, grief and anger to revenge. Being dead might be harder for me than for them at that point. I watched Abby cry and make wordless shouts, hugging Bert tightly and hoping that is was just a nightmare. Tony was going past his limits in everything, pushing himself just so he didn't have to think. He ran twice as much miles the next day, just so he could concentrate at the pain in his body and not in his mind. Gibbs was the worst of all, he was blaming himself. I told him not to blame himself, I gave him little signs, but he wouldn't listen and I gave up, there is only so much you can do when you are dead.

And then I see you, I can't look at you, and you can't look at my body, and that's fine, for now. To be honest, that body is not where I am anymore, I live on in your mind. This isn't what either of us needs, we were suppose to be casual, having fun and just showing each other to have a good time, letting go in our own ways. We weren't that wild, and letting loose was not our thing. But he made me adventurous and I could push him to do things he would never have done on his own, letting go of his geeky side. Even though we both knew we weren't in it for the long run, it wasn't suppose to end like this. Never like this.

Suddenly you show up, opening my drawer that contained my body and pulling my body out. You whisper words of regret and how much you miss me and I want to tell you how much I miss you, but I can't. Suddenly Tony is there and you feel better, because he helps you getting trough this. Tony doesn't know about us, and it's better that way but I sense that you want to tell him and it's fine, because he can help you. I'm not alone, this place where I am is filled with people and I feel surrounded, but I sense you do feel alone, and you shouldn't because you are not.

Undying love, it's a funny thing, especially since I just died. But the funny thing about love is that even though I'm dead I still love you. My heart still jumps up when I see you, and I hope Ducky won't detect that, because that would be really weird, dying but still having an occasional heartbeat. I feel myself blush when you look at me with your big green eyes, loving me. Your grieving affects me, you don't feel the need eat, or breath, but you have too, because you have get on with your life.

A few days later I get buried, and it's funny since it didn't feel like a few days, it felt like ages while at the same time it was gone in a few seconds. You think about your first day on our team and how I stood on your shoulder, little did I know that those shoulders would help me trough hard times.

You place a rose on my casket and I can see you made peace with it. That's good, because I want you to get happy, fall in love and get married, because this love we had wasn't undying love, until I died. So you have to get on with your life.

To Timothy McGee, my undying love...

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I wake up with a shout from my usual nightmare. For years now I'm having this same dream, thinking what would have become of me, of the team if I would have died on that rooftop, but I didn't. Ari just grazed my temple and as far as I know Mossad eliminated him. I thank God every day for that sudden burst of wind that redirected that bullet.

"Nightmare again?" the man next to me asked and I roll closer towards him. He knows, about my nightmares, by fears and the things that keep me up. He knows about my undying love for him and how I couldn't live without him.

"I love you." I tell him over and over again, because I do, I love him. "I love you Tim." I tell him, I need him to believe me, feel what I feel and to understand my fears.

"I know, Katie" he says and when his strong arm pulls me closer I know that he means it, that he feels me, and it's good. Life will be fine, for now anyway. But most important of all, Tim has my undying love, and it's good to know that it wouldn't change, even if I died, or he died.

The alarm clock tells me that it's almost time to get our little boy out of bed and that assures me, because even when Tim and I die, the result our love will live on. So in a way, our love never dies.

To Timothy McGee, who has and will always have, my undying love.