Finally
Icecloud
It was in that one moment that all my hard work paid off. After moons of striving for his attention, after moons of pretending to not notice him - when really, I couldn't take my eyes off – I finally saw something more than friendship in those captivating amber eyes. Did it really take this, though? Did it really take all this work to show him that I was serious?
But it was right then, when I took that deep breath and dived in to save him. I could hear his screaming for me to go back, for me to stop, that he could handle it. How could he? They were all over him, and…well, I'd rather it be me than him. He always had someone else; he was handsome and charming and wonderful enough for that. I just had him. If he couldn't love me, if he wouldn't love me…no one else would. It would be pathetic of me to make him jealous. As clever as he is, he's not smart enough to realize that it was all for him.
And it was in that moment, that single moment, when my vision faded into darkness, that I realized that I didn't want to die. I shouldn't have shoved him to shelter; I should have let him keep fighting alongside me. Now I was being crushed by cats who's names I once knew. But then, in the next moment, the weight vanished, and I heard his cry of fury, and I felt his teeth in my scruff, lifting me to my paws. In the next, I was turning around, and I was about to shout at him like anyone else would do, when I saw it.
The concern. The anger at me for putting myself in danger. The worry. The protectiveness.
The love.
And in that moment, I knew that, finally, Lionblaze loved me in return.
Poppyfrost
I can never forgive myself for falling for him. For StarClan's sake, he loved my sister first. He always loved her more, because she was his first love. How could he love me after he loved my sister? When he had her, I stood back and watched, telling myself to give up. There was no way, absolutely no way he would find me at all as endearing, as beautiful, as wonderful as she was.
And I can never forgive myself for letting those beautiful blue eyes meet mine and stare right into my soul. Tears flooded my eyes, because I could see that he still loved her, and I was so mad at myself for still loving him. Yet there I was, crying, hoping desperately that he wouldn't see what was affecting me so much. But, with one look of his gorgeous blue eyes, and he knew. He knew, and he couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it either, that I was still trailing him like a lost puppy. But how could I not? I had learned to miss him whenever he was away, and cherish the times when he was with me. There was no changing that.
Yet I can never forgive myself for turning away out of self-frustration, out of distrust. He promised me that he would be there for me. I let him chase me, enjoying the attention…until he gave up. Then, I had to go back, begging desperately, telling him that I didn't mean it. For many moments I thought he was just going to sneer at me, like the giant snob that I knew he was. But in his words, I heard it.
The relief. The worry that I really meant it when I left. The kindness. The compassion.
The love.
And that's when I knew I could never forgive myself for, finally, letting Berrynose love me.
Hollyleaf
I wish I hadn't let him go. Truly, more than anything in the world, I wish I had just slowed down to look around and see that he was there. Yet, of course, I didn't look back. Caught in my own little world, I thought I could stand on my own, without anyone, because I didn't see that he was waiting for me to notice him. StarClan, I can be stupid.
And I wish I hadn't ruined my own life. Some days, I just sit down and cry and think of my old life, where everything was wonderful and simple. But then, I realize that it was never that because of the secrets and lies, and him. How could my life be simple if I had a cat in it who loved me more than anything on the earth? Why couldn't I turn around and see that he was there for me?
But really, I wish I hadn't done any of it. Couldn't I have just let everything go, and not let any of it get to me? Now, with darkness hanging over my heart, I have to hold on to the few times I saw him smiling and laughing and speaking to me with that beautiful voice and those beautiful eyes. I know that I'll have to go back. There's no way I can't go back, not knowing that he will never have moved on from me, that he will keep holding on to the sacred memories he has of me, and I of him. When I go back, when I see his face shining with surprise and love, I know I will truly see it.
The hope. The amazement that I can have someone like him at all. The joy. The peace.
The love.
I wish I hadn't waited so long to, finally, tell Mousewhisker that I love him.
Cinderheart
Right now, my head is spinning. The realization hits me like a bomb: this is the truth, this is how I feel and what I know. But how can this be so? How can these words have come from my own mouth, weaving themselves into a beautiful pattern and admitting the feelings that I have – unknowingly – held inside myself? Diving back into the memories, I can see that he is the right cat for me, forever and ever.
Yet right now, my head is clearing. Unlike his eyes, I am crystal clear. While he hides everything behind the swirling fog in his eyes, everything about me is readable, like a book, because it's all out in the open. My feelings are up for his examination, like he has examined my health, and like I have examined his life. And his eyes. And his face. And everything about him, really.
And right now, my head is agreeing, and I am letting out a loud purr to assure him that this is really what is going on. He admitted it first, in the darkness of this place, and after my confession of the feelings I didn't know I had, I must confirm it. More than anything right now, I want him to understand what I am feeling, the amazement for everything I have ever known. And in that purr, I can say it.
The safety. The truth that has harbored in my soul. The comfort. The awe.
The love.
Because right now, my head is pounding with the idea that, finally, I love Jayfeather.